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Mrs. Squash. I should like to have my, and my hu-band, Dr. Pill, says he could not questions answeruit the gal herselt. prescribe without it.
Niss Fairmail. Madam, I never made a Mrs. Squead. The more is the pity; they pie of the kind you name.
only use Latin to hide the pion Dames of Mrs. Squash. A pretty farmer's wife you'd their nasty drugs. My husband once took it make!
into his head, that every good farmer mus! Miss Fairiin. Madam, I applied for a know Latin, that he might know the larned school, and not for a husband.
names of vegetables; and so every single tree JIrs. Lug. (Holding her hand 10 her ear.] was called an Arbor alter that; and every What! does she want a husband! Why, squash, an Iguana.falciforma peripaldica, vor there's Jonathan Squash, jest old enough some other such nonsense,
For my pari. for her
I hope to hear a squash called a squash us Mrs. Vestry. Ladies, let us not wander long as I bear the name. from the purpose of our meeting. Miss Fair. Mrs. Vestry. Ladies, let us not forget the man, will you be good enough to inform the object of our meeting. Miss Fairman, may committee where you were educated, and the ask at what school you were educated ? extent of your studies.
Miss Fairman. At the Female Monitcrial Mrs. Blunt. Ay, ay; where were you School, madam. in Boston. allicited! what do you know? Come, I'll Mis. Lug. What school is that? A to: question you, myself. In what state were you school! that will never do, miss; we are il born into the world?
wig; here. Miss Fairman. In Massachusetts, madam. Mrs. Squash. I really believe the gal is a Mrs. Blunt, In Massafiddlestick!
Jackson-man in disguise. Miss Suap.
Mrs. Blunt expected you Miss Tuirman. Ladies, you mistake ilio would say you were born in a state of sin nature as well as the name of the school aud misery. She is a sound divine, but no is called monitorial, because the elder pupiin, geographer.
who assisi the teacher, are called monitors. J's.' l'estry. Please to inform us, Miss Miss Prim. Ay, ay; this is one of the Fairman, of such particulars as we may need new-fangled notions that have made instrue to aid us in our judgment.
tion so vulgar an employment, thai I carvet Mess Frirman. I have had a good school endure it. When children take up the feruie, cducation. ladies, but pretend to nothing more it is time for us (drauing herself up] to lay it than is necessary to qualify me to teach the down. common branches in a common village school,
Mrs. Blunt. You don't intend to introduce wbich is all I understand yours to be.
any such notions here, miss'? Miss Prim. That will never do for Smart M: Fairman. I hoped, madam, thai a ville: we must have something more than judicious use of monitors would not be
In my day, no teacher with such objected to. pretensions would have dared to apply for a Mrs. Squash. What! do you mean to set school. Have you ever studied algebra ? other children to teach my darters ?
Miss Firman. Never I did not know Miss Fuirmin. I should like to employ that it was taught in a common village the more advanced pupils, whosever children school.
they may be, in instructing those who know Meus Prim. It is not; but it is the basis less than themselves. of a good education. No lady should be
Mrs. Brief. Then Mrs. Cowyard's brats iguorant of algebra.
may be set to teach our children, Mrs. Vertri! Mrs. Lur Wbat! don't the gal know Mrs. l'estry. I have no objection to this. there is such a thing as a zebra? (Holding is her children know more than ours. My her hand up to her er.)
husband says we should always be willing to Miss Snap: This knowledge would be of receive instruction from any source, however more use to her than algebra. Pray, Miss humble. Prim, did you ever study algebra yourself? Miss Prim. I dare say. Mr. Vestry would
Miss Prim. Yes; I spent two weeks npon even allow that children are competent to the delightful science, and almost made myselt teach children. Preposterous idea! mistress of it.
Mrs. l'esiry. I know he would allow it; Mrs. Pull. Did you ever make use of it for I have often beard bim say, that men are afterwards ?
only children of a larer growth, and there Miss Prim. I came to examine, but not to was no more difference between his attait be catechized, madam.
ments and those of his parishioners, than there Miss Snap. When a stocking was minus is between some children and others. He a foot, did your algebra ever make it plus ? considers himself as a monitor amougst hais
Mrs. Lug. What! docs the gol blush? | brethren. Well, I like to see young folks blush.
Mrs. Brief. If he is only a monitor, pray Mrs. Pill. Pray, Miss Fairman, have you who is our ieacher ? or liave not we any? ever learned Latin ?
Mrs. l'estry. He is accustomed t call the Miss Fairman No, madam: my father did Saviour the great Teacber. But I think we not think it so important for females as their had better ascertain how the young ladly has own language; and he never encouraged the been instructed, and what she has learned. study of it hy his daughters.
before we condemn her system utterly. Afrs Pril. He was a dolt. Whiy, Latin, Mrs. Pill I should like to ask her one miss, is the basis of every learned profession; / question Play, iniss, if one of your pupi's
whould cut her finger badly, what would Miss Snap. So, because she can't cook
punhill, she is not allowed to become a Miss Snap. (Aside to Miss Fairman.] Squash! Ti her you would send for her husband, Miss Prim. I must withhold my appro!). Pill, and you will make her your friend bation from one who has no soul for the loves
and language of flowers, and who has never Miss Fairman. I should probably send her studied algebra. incone, maduin.
Miss Snap. And whose charms being plus, 31. Blunt. Come, come, let me put her a would render yours a negative quantity. apsjous question. Young woman, bow many Miss Prim. My children-I mean my commun dements are there?
neighbor's, for I desire to be thankful that I Miss Fairman. Ten were given by Moses, have none of the nasty things--shall never wiadam.
ko to a monitorial school with my cousent. Mrs. Lug. How many did she say? Monitorial, indeed!
(Euil.) Miss Srap. Ten.
Mrs. Luc. Who did she say was dead ? Mrs. Lug. Ay, ay; that's right; the gal's Miss Snap. Your tories, I suppose. riglii for once.
Mrs. Lug. Well, I am sorry for thein sirs Blunt. Now tell me how much of the I had rather they had repented; but they Pruner you know by heart. What comes sha'n'l get foothold in our village, wbile I am next arter “The cat doth play. And after on the committee. Good bye. 12uit.] s!ay."
Miss Snap. A good riddance upon them sliss Snar. (Aside to Miss F.] Tell her, all! Now, Miss Fairman, let me congratulate " Whia'es in the sea, Great fish they be." you npon escaping from such patrons.
Miss Fairman. I must confess my ignorance, Mrs. Vestry. Give me your hand, my drar. madam.
You have bome the trial modestly and Mrs. Blunt. Young woman, I don't know patiently. My husband has been applied to what my husband. Deacon Biunt, would say, 1 for a preceptress of an academy, and I am w find you so ignorant of the first principles sure, that, after he bas heard the result of of religion,
this meeting, he will confer the situation Aiiss Fairman. Madam, I would respect. upon my young friend. Cone, let us find fully remark, that I have been laught to draw himn.
(F. F. D.) the principles of my religion from the Bibic,
752. and not from the Primer. Mrs. Biund. Yes, that is one of Mr. Vestry's
Miss PhHow vulgar you will appear in notions; but every body learned the Printer the city, Miss Homespun! It is a pity that when I was a gal. I could say it backwards you have not the advantage of a quarter's as well as forruds.
instruction in the city, as I have bad. Miss Prim. Will the yonng la-dy be good Miss Homespm. I have no fears on my enough to inform the committee whether she own account. I shall make no pretensions to bus studied botany ?
superior refinement, und, therefore, shall not Miss fuirmun. I have, madam.
risk any failure. Miss Prim. Did you study the philosophical Miss Pull That will not do, my dear, ia part of the science, which ireals of the loves the city. If one has not a certain jinnissy and the language of plants?
quar, she will be considered as savage as Viss l'airman. No, madam, I have only it sbe bad been brought up on a dissoluta Nudied their structure and uses.
oiland. Miss Prim. I supposed you had neglected Miss Homespun. It may be so; but such the only clhereal part of the science. This treatment would only lead me to pity then, comes of your new-fangled system, I suppose and not to undervalue myzelf. I do not
Miss Fairman. No, indeed, madam. Non believe that unassuming manners, and unpresense can be taught by the monitorial plan, tending conversation, are ia so much dauger as well as by any other. The subjects taucht of being insulted. depend upon the teacher, and not upon the Miss Pull I shall endeavor 10 spare you system.
as much as I can; but one who has always Mis. Blunt. I have seen enough of the gal. been in the country, can liave no superstition She will never do for me.
She don't even how much she is exposed to be quizzed by kouw ber Primer. [She dashes out.) the knowing ones of the city. My quarter's Miss Snap. “The eagle's flight Is out of education did the business for me.
Miss Home pun. You almost alarm me, Mrs. Brief: Mr. Brief will never suffer bis Miss Puff; but I will not believe, until I see, children to be taught by Mrs. Cowyard's that the superior education of the city ladies brats.
untits them forinaking a proper discrimination Miss Snap. “Out, out, Brief candle!" between plain sense and nousense. I expect
Mrs. Pill. I cannot swallow her i norance a lady from the city to spend a few daye, of Latin
witlo me. Miss Shap. Because she could not swallow Viss PWhen is she a comincm? your pills, I suppose.
Miss Homespun. That m'y be she at the Mrs. Squash. I cannot vote for a miss so door. youing that she caunoi make a punkin pie. Miss Puff. Well, now, my dear, be careful Tuzlit, at first, she might do for my son and do not expose yourselt. Put a little of duwuhan. (As de.)
[Edit] iny o dick-alone on your dress.
Miss Homespin. I never use any per Palrick. Throth, I was thinkin' so myself. funery, Nlie Put, and have been ucrostoined to And now, captain jewel, it is I that wishes think that perfect weatness perds lo such aids. we had a gridiron
Als l'ind Oh, iuy dear, a person of Captain. Why, Patrick, what puts the fashion woulu think of using less than a point notion of a gridiron into your head? 2 ro
Patrick. Becase I'm starving with hunger, DI ss Ilomeegen. I shall make it a point to captain dear. avoid such fully, even if it costs me eternal Caplann. Surely you do not intend to eat banislainent from tbe city.
a gridiron, do you? Mess Puig Your obstinacy will bring down Patrick. Ale a gridiron! bad luck to it! some tremenduous mortification upon your no. But it' we had a gridiron, we could dress hacad.
a beet stake. des Home pun. I will risk it. But there
Captail. Yes, but where's the beef steak, comes my city friend; I shall hope to profit Patrick ? by her advice, before I visit the city.
Patrick. Sure, couldn't we cut it off the Miss Pill My dear, there is nothing like pork ? speuding a whole quarter at some city Captain. I never thought of that. You aro seminary, if you would not have your country a clever fellow, Patrick. (Laughing.) air's preteplible.
Patrick. There's many a thrue word said iliss lomnes pien. It is too late for me to in a joke, captain. And now,
go So to school again, and therefore I shall be and get the bit of pork that we saved from contented to observe what I may, without the rack, l'il go to the house there beyant, exposing my ignorance.
and ax some of them to lind me the loan of a Duiss Phil. You may as well expect to sridiron.. inake a muit' out of a leg of brocon.
Patrick. But, Patrick, this is France, and Mess Itemespun. It is not such an impossi. they are all foreigners here. bility. I trust.
Parrick. Well, and how do
you know but Miss 1': My dear, your disposition is so I am as good a furriner myself as any o' ingenious and candid, that you will be the them? dupe of every one you meet. What a pity
Captain. What do you mean, Patrick? that you had not gone one quarter with me to Putrick. Parley voo trongsay? that city seminary! It would have taught Captain Oh, you understand French, you the right use of language, at least; for, as then, is it? I said before, you can bave no superstition Pretruck. Throth, you may say that, captain how precise the city ladies are in this respect. dear. Now, while I should be conversius fuently Chptrin. Well. Patrick, success to you. with thun, you would be standing iute as a Be civil to the foreigners, and I will be back Slutule. But your friend is comins i
with the pork in a minute. [He goes out.) retire.
Patrick Ay, sure enough 111 Le civil to Miss Homespun. You need not withdraw. them; for the Frinch are always mighty Niiss Prif Yes, my dear, I do not wish 10 plite intirely, and I'll show them I know atford your friend any opportunity for compari what good manners is. indade, and here 80!), considering how poor a chance you bave comes munseer himself, quite convaynient. had; for you know the proverb says, “com. [.4x the Frenchman cuirs, Parck takes oil parisons are odorois." You must have courage, his hul and making a low low, says,! God now, and make some pretty remarks on the suve you, sir, and all your chiluren. I beg season, the foilage of the trees, and other your pardon for the libeity I take, but it's only things that go to constitute pasturat felicity: being in disthress in regard of atomy, that I Now, do, my dear, take my advice. Good make bowld to trouble ye; and it je could bye; farewell; adieu !
lind me the loan of a gridiron, I'd be intirely Aliss Homespun.
Poor girl! she means obleeged to ye. well; but if she would make a convert of Frenchman. (Staring at him.) Comment! me, she will be disappointed. True gentility, Patrick. Indade its thrue for you.
lin and real civilization, cannot approve of such tathered to paces, and God knows I look ridiculous notions as she bas adopted. I shall
quare enough; but its by rason of the storm, not use more than half a point of Cologne but dhruv us ashore jist here, and we're all water, if the city belles do banish me to a starvin'. dissolule orland.
(F. F. D.)
je meet.) 753. TUE CRIDIRON.-TIIE CAPTAIN, PATRICK, AND
Patrick. Ob! not at all! by no manes! TUE FRENCH MAX.
we have plenty of mate ourselves, and we'll Patrick. WELL, captain, whereabonts in whress it, if you'd be plased jist to lind us the wide world are we? Is it Koosia, the loan of a gridiron, sir. Making a low Proosia, or the Jarmant oceant?
buar.) Capace Tut, you fool; it's France. Fienchman. (Staring at him, bitt not under.
l'arrick. Tare an ouns! do you tell me so? standing at word.) and how do you know it's France, captuin l'atrick. I beg pardon, sir; but may be dear?
I'm undier a mistake, but I thought I was in Captain. Because we were on the coast France, sir. Ant you all furriners here? of the Bay of Biscay, when the vessel was Parley voo frongsay ? wrecked. BRONSON 22
French man. Oui, monsieur
Patrick. Then, would you lind me the loan I own self will show you the way, and then you of a gridiron, if you plase? [The Frenchman can't miss it, you know. stares more ihan erer, us if anaious to under. Stranger. 'I would not give you so much stand.) I know it's a liberty I take, sir; trouble, Mr. O'Callaghan. but it's only in the regard of bein' cast away ; O'Collaghan. It is never a trouble, se and if you plase, sir, parley vco frongsay? plase your honor, for an Irishman to do bio Frenchman. Oui, monsieur, oui.
duty. [Bowing.) Patrick. Then would you lind me the loan Stranger. Whither do you travel, friend? of a gridiron, sir, and you'll obleege me. O'Callaghan. To Dublin, so piase your
Frenchman. Monsieur, pardou, monsieur honor. Sure, all the world knows that Judy
Patrick. (Angrily.) By my sowl, if it O'Flannaghan will be married 10 morrow, was you was in disthress, and if it was to God willing, to Pat Ryan; and Pat, you owld Ireland yon came, it's not only the know, is my own foster-brother—because gridiron they'd give you, if you axed it, but why ?-we had bat one nurse belwane os, and something to put on it too, and a dhrop of that was my own mother; but she died one dbrink into the bargain. Can't you understand day-the Lord rest her state soul!-and left your own language? (Very slowly,) Parley me an orphan; for my father married again, -100---frongsay-munseer!
and his new wife was the divil's own child, Frenchman. Oui, monsieur; oui, monsieur, and did nothing but bate me from morning
till night. Och! why did not 1 die before Patrick. Then lind me the loan of a grid. I was born to see that day? for. by St iron, I say, and bad scram to you.
Patrick, the woman's heart was as cold as . Frenchman. (Bowing and scraping.) Mon hailstone. Bieur, je ne l'entend
Stranger. But what reason could she have Patrick. Phoo! the divil sweep yourself for treating you so unmercifully? and your long longs ! I don't want a tongs O'Callaghan. Ah, your hönor, and sore at all at all. Can't you listen to rason ? enough, there are always rasons as plenty as
Frenchman. Oui, oui, mousieur; certaine potatoes, for being hard hearted. And I was ment, mais
no bigger than a dumpling at the time, so I Patrick Then lind me the loan of a could not help myself, and my father did not Gridiron, and howld your prate. (The French care to help me, and so I hopped the twig, mnan shakes his head, as if to say he did not and parted old Nick's darling. Och!
may the understand; but Patrick, thinking he meant divil find her wherever she goes! But here it as a refusal, says, in a passion,) Bad I am, alive and lapeing, and going to see Pas cess to the likes o' you! Throih, if you were married ; and faith, to do him justice, he's 26 in my counthry, it's not that a way they'd use honest lad as any within ten miles of us, and you. The curse o' the crows on you, you no disparagement neither; and I love Pal, owld sinner!-The divil another word I'll say and I love all bis family-ay, by my sowi to you. (The Frenchman puts his hand on his do I, every mother's skin of them--and by the keurt, and tries to erpress compassion in his same token, I have travelled many a long countenance.) Well, I'll give you one chance mile to be present at his wedding. more, you owld thafe! Are you a Christhian Stranger. Your miles in Ireland are much al all at all? Are you a furriner, that all the longer than ours, I believe. world calls so p'lite? Bad luck to you! do O'Callaghan Indade, and you may belav gou understand your mother tongue? Parley that, your honor-because why ?--St. Patrick ve froligsay ? Very loud ] Parley voo measured them in bis coach. you know. frusysav?
Och! by the powers! the time has been-but Prouchmun. Oui, monsieur, oui, oui. 'tis no matter--the divil a copper nou belonge
Patrick. Then, thunder and turf! will you to the family. But, as I was saying, the day find me the loan of a gridiron ? [The French has been-ay, by my troth, and the night, mon shakes his head, as if he did not too when the O'Callaghans-good luck to understand; and Pat says, rehemently,) The them!-held their heads up as high as the ourse of the hungry be on you, you owld best; and though I have not a rod of laud negarly villain ! the back of my hand and the belonging to me, but what I hire, I love my sowl of my fut to you! May you want a country, and would halve my last potatoe wich gridiron yourself
. yet! and wherever I go, every poor cratur that has none. it's high and low, rich and poor, shall bear Stranger. Pray, how does the bride of it, and be hanged to you ! (F. F. D.) appear?
O'Callaghan. Och! by my soul, your 754.
honor, she's a nate article; and then she O'CALLAGHAN.
will be rigged out as gay as a lark, and se Stranger. I HAVE lost my way, good fine as a pacock-because why ?--she has friend. Can you assist me in finding it? great lady for her godniother--long life and
O'Callaghiin. Assist you in finding it, saccess to her!-who bas given Jady two is't? Ay, by my faith and troth, and that 1 milch cows, and five pounds in hard money. will, if it was to the world's end, and And Pat has taken as dacent apartments as farther too.
any in Dublin--a nale, comely parlor, as you'd Stranger. I wish to return, by the shortest wish to see, just six fale under ground with route, to the Black Rock.
a nice, beautiful ladther to vo down--and ali O'Callaghan. In lade, and you will, so $0 complate, and gentule, and comfortable, an plame your honor's honor-and O'Callaghan's i a body may say
ILIBH COURTEST.--8TBAXGER AND
Stranger. Nothing like comfort, Mr. Sesquipedalia. Sir, you have bestowed a O‘Callaghan.
degree of interruption upon my observations. O'Callaghan. Faith, and you may say I was about, or, according to the Latins, that, your honor. (Rubbing his hands.) fulurus sum, to give you a little information Comfort is comfort, says I to Mrs. O'Callaghan, concerning the luminary who appears to have when we are all saled so cleverly around a deceived your vision. My name, sir, is Tullius prea big turf fire, as merry as grigs, with the Naro Titus Crispus Sesquipedalia, by pro dear little grunters snoring so swately in the fession a linguist and philosopher. The most corner, defying wind and weather, with a dry abstruse points in physics or metaphysics, thatch, and a sound conscience to go to slape to me, are as transparent as ether. I have upon
come to this house for the purpose of obtaining Stranger. A good conscience makes a the patronage of a gentleman who betrienus soft pillow.
all the literati. Now, sir, perhaps I have O Callaghan. Och! jewel, sure it is not produced conviction in mente lua ; that is, iu the best beds that makes the best slapers ; your mind, that your calculation was erroneous. for there's Cathleen and myself can slape like Digit. Yes, sir, your person was mistaken; two great big tops; and our bed is none but my calculations, I maintain, are correct, w of the softest-because why ?-we slape on the tenth place of a circulating decimal. the ground, and have no bed at all at all. Sesquipedalia. But, what is the subject
Stranger. It is a pity, my honest fellow, of your manuscript? Have you discussed ibe that you should ever want one. There, infinite divisibility of matter? (giving him a guinca.) Good bye, Mr. Digit. No, sir, we canuot reckon infinity; O'Callaghan.
and I have nothing to do with subjects that O Callaghan, I'll drink your honor's health. cannot be reckoned. that I will! and may God and the blessed Sesquipedalia. Why, I can reckon about Virgin bless you and yours, as long as grass it. I reckon it is divisible ad infinilum. But grows and water runs
IF. F.D.) perhaps your work is upon the materiality o!
light; and if so, which side of the question do 755. PEDANTRY
you espouse 1 Diatt, a mathematical Pedant. SESQUIPEDALIA, Digit. Oh, sir, I think it quite immaterial. a Linguist and Philosopher. TRILL, a musical Sesquipedalia. What! light immaterial ! Pedant. DRONE, a Servant.
Do you say light is immaterial ? Digit. Is your master at home, sir?
Digit. No, I say it is quite immaterial Drone. [Speaking rery slowly.] Can't say; which side of the question I espouse. I have s'pose he is ; indeed, I'm sure he is, or was nothing to do with it. And, besides, I am a Just now.
bachelor, and do not mean lo espouse any thin! Digil. Wliy, I could solve an equation, at present. while you are answering a question of five Sesquipedalia. Do you write upon the
rus--I mean if the unkuown terms were attraction of cohesion? You know maiter las all on one side of the equation. Can I see the properties of attraction and repulsion. him ?
Digit. I care nothing about matter, so I Drone. Very likely, sir. I will inform him can find enough for matbematical demon that Mr.
stration. Divit. Digit, Digit.
Sexquipedalia. I cannot conceive what Drone. OK, Mr. Digy-Digy wishes to see you have written upon, then. Oh, it must be him.
(Erit Drone.) the centripetal and cer.trifugal motions. Digit. (Alone) That fellow is certainly a Digit. (Pecvishly.) No, no. I wish Mr. negative quantity. He is minus common
Morrell would come. Sir, I have no motions It'this Mr. Morrell is the man I take but such as I can make with my pencil upou him to be, he cannot bat patronize my talents. my slate, thus, (figuring upun his hand :) Sbould he not, I don't know how I shall obtain Six, minus four, plus two, equal eight, mino: a new coat. I have worn this ever since 1 six, plus two. There, those are my motions elbows have 180 often formed langeries with in the depths of arithmeticle suppose you the surface of my table, that a new coat is never soared into the regions of philosophy very necessary. But here comes Mr. Morrell. / You never thought of the vacuum which line ŞEnter Sesquipedalia.] Sir, (boning low, so long filled the heads of philosophers ? I am your most mathematical servant. I ani Digit. Vacuum! (Pulling his hand to his sorry, sir, to give you this trouble ; but an forehead.] Let me think. affair of consequence, pulling the rage over Sesquipedalia. Ha! what! have you got it kis elbows)--an affair of consequence, as your sub manu ; that is, under your hand! Ha! servant informed you
ha! ha! Sesquipedalia. Servus non cst mihi, domine; Digit. Eh! under my band? what do yoa that is, I have no servant, sir. I presume you meun, sir? that my head is a Vacuum ? beve erred in your calculation; and
Would you insult nie, sir ? insult Archimedes Digil. No, sir. The calculalivns I am Digit? Why, sir, I'll cipher you into infiitile about to present you, are founded on the divisilnl.ty. I'll set you on an upright cont. inost correct Theorems of Euclid. You may I'll give you a centrifugal motion out of the cxamine them, if you please. They are con- window, sir! l'!! tear you up by the roots tained in this sinal manuscript. 1Producing and scatter your solid contents to the winds . folio.)