759. PEDIGREE. Mary. AUNT BETTY, why are you always mending that old picture? Aunt Betty. Old picture, miss! and pray who told you to call it an old picture? Mary. Pray, aunt, is it not an old picture? I am sure it looks ragged enough to be old. Aunt Berty. And pray, niece, is it not ten times more valuable on that account? I wish I could ever make you entertain a proper respect for your family. Mary. Do I not respect the few that remain of them, and yourself among the rest? But what has that old-what shall I call it? to do with our family? Aunt Betty. It is our family coat of arms --the only document which remains to estab lish the nobility and purity of our blood. Mary. What is purity of blood, aunt? I am sure I overheard Mrs. Pimpleton say your complexion was almost orange, and she believed it arose from some impurity of the blood. Aunt Betty. Tut, tut, you hussy! I am sure my complexion will not suffer by a comparison with any of the Pimpleton race. [Tossing up her head.] But that is neither here nor there: it matters not what the complexion is, or the present state of the blood, provided the source is pure Do people drink the less water because it filtrates through clay? Mary. But what is pure and noble blood, aunt? Aunt Betty. Blood, my dear. which has proceeded from some great and celebrated man, through the veins of many generations, without any mixture with vulgar blood. Mary. Then whom did we proceed from, Aunt Betty? Aunt Betty. From Sir Gregory McGrinceil, who lived in the time of Elizabeth, and left sons a dozen, from the youngest of whom, James McGrincell, gentleman, we are descended. Mary. What does a gentleman mean, aunt? Aunt Betty. It means one who has too high a sense of his ancestry, to engage in any of what are vulgarly called the useful employments. Mary. It must mean a lazy man, then, I should think. Was he not extremely poor, aunt? Aunt Betty. Poor? What is poverty in the scale of nobility? It is the glory of our house, that they have always preferred honorable poverty to disgraceful industry. Mary. Why, aunt. every body does not think as you do. I heard the parson's wife say you would be a better Christian, and serve your Maker more faithfully, by doing something profitable, than by spending your time in idleness, and depending upon the Church for support. Aunt Betty. She had better mind her own business, and not slander her parishioners. Mighty well, indeed! if the descendant of Sir Gregory McGrincell is to be taught her duty to her ancestors by the daughter of a ploughman, and the wife of a country parson! Mary. I am sure she is a very good woman, and my mother considers her & pattern of humility. Aunt Betty. Did she display her humility in walking before me at the deacon's funeral Answer me that. Mary. She had not the arrangement of the procession, aunt. Aunt Belty. She ought to have known her place, however. I shall take care how I go to any more vulgar funerals to be insulted, I promise you. Mary. I cannot see what should make us better than our neighbors, for my mother once told me that your grandfather was only a hostler. Aunt Betty. Your mother takes a great deal of pains to expose the dark spots in our escutcheon. But did she ever tell you, that, when my grandfather was engaged in that profession, it was customary for gentlemen to be their own grooms? No, I'll warrant not. Mary. Then there is no disgrace in any employment, if it be only fashionable? Aunt Betty. None at all, my dear; for Count Rumford was a cook, and Sir Isaac Newton a spectacle-maker. Mary. But of what use is our noble blood in this country, aunt, where merit alone is respected? Aunt Betty. Merit, indeed! and what have we to do with merit? It is well enough for those of vulgar origin to possess merit; the well born do not need it. Mary. How did our great ancestor obtain his title, then? Aunt Belty. Oh, to be sure, the founder of a family must do something to deserve his title. Mary. What did Sir Gregory do? Aunt Betty. Do! why he painted so flatter. ing a likeness of Queen Elizabeth, that she knighted him immediately. Mary. Then he was a painter by trade? Aunt Betty. By trade! The minx will drive me distracted. Be it known to you, miss, we have never had a tradesman in our family, and I trust I never shall live to see it so degraded. Painting was merely Sir Gregory's profession. Mary. I hope I shall learn, in time, to make the proper distinctions; but I fear it will be difficult, for my mother always taught me to allow no other distinction than that of personal worth, and, I must confess, I do not see the propriety of any other. Aunt Belly No, and I presume you never will, while your mother entertains her present low ideas of meritorious industry, as she pleases to call the occupation of those who are mean enough to work for their living. I did hope to make you sensible of the dignity of your descent; but I now find I must look elsewhere for an heir to my invaluable legacy -this precious, precious coat of arms. (F. F. D.) 760. THE ENglish travellER. Traveller. Do You belong to this house, friend? Landlord. No, it belongs to me, I guess. [The Traveller takes out his memorandum- | book, and, in a low voice, reads what he writes.] Traveller. "Mem. Yankee landlords do not belong to their houses." [Aloud.] You seem young for a landlord: may I ask how old you are! Landlord. Yes, if you'd like to know. Traveller. Hem! [Disconcerted] Are you a native, sir? Landlord. No, sir; there are no natives hereabouts. Traveller. "Mem. None of the inhabitants natives; ergo, all foreigners." [Aloud.] Where were you born, sir? Landlord. Do you know where Marblehead is? Landlord Because my daddy was. Traveller. But you were born somewhere. Landlord. That's true; but as father moved up country afore the townships were marked out, my case is somewhat like the Indian's, who was born at Nantucket, Cape Cod, and all along shore. Traveller. Were you brought up in this place, sir? Landlord. No; I was raised in Varmount till mother died, and then, as father was good for nothing after that, I pulled up stakes and went to sea a bit. Traveller. "Mem. Yankees, instead of putting up grave stones, pull up stakes, and go to sea, when a parent dies." [Aloud.] You did not follow the sea long, for you have not the air of a mariner. Landlord. Why, you see, I had a leetle knack at the coopering business; and larning that them folks that carry it on in the West Indies die off fast, I calculated I should stand a chance to get a handsome living there. Traveller, And so you turned sailor to get there? Landlord. Not exactly; for I agreed to work my passage by cooking for the crew, and tending the dumb critters. Traveller. Dumb critters! Of what was your lading composed? Landlord. Aleetle of every thing-horses, hogs, hoop-poles, and Hingham boxes; boards, ingyons. soap, candles, and ile. Traveller. Mem. Soap, candles, and ile, called dumb critters by the Yankees." [Aloud.] Did you arrive there safely? Landlord. No, I guess we didn't. Landlord. We had a fair wind, and sailed a pretty piece, I tell you; but, jest afore we reached the eend of our rige, some pirates overhauled us, and stole all our molasses, rum, and gingerbread. Traveller. Is that all they did to you? Landlord. No, they ordered us on board their vessel, and promised us some blackstrap. Traveller. "Mem. Pirates catch Yankees with a black strap." [Aloud.] Did you accept the invitation? Landlord. No, I guess we didn't. And so they threatened to fire into us. Traveler. What did your captain do? Landlord. "Fire, and be darned!" says he, "but you'd better not spill the deacon's . I tell you Traveller And so you ran off, did you? Landlord. No; we sailed off a small piece. But the captain said it was a tarnal shame to let them steal our necessaries; and so he right about, and peppered 'em, I tell you. Travelier. Mem. Yankees pepper pirates when they meet them." [Aloud.] Did you take them? Landlord. Yes; and my shear built this house. Traveller. "Mem. Yankees build houses with shears." Landlord. It's an ill wind that blows nowhere, as the saying is. And now, may I make so bold as to ask whose name I shall enter in my books? Traveller. Mine. Traveller. "Mem. A common Yankee hill cannot be drawn without three thousand instruments." [Alond] Faith! Landlord. your Yankee draughtsmen must be great bunglers. But come, sir, give me breakfast. for I must be going; there is nothing else in this vicinity worthy the notice of a traveller. (F. F. D.) 761. PHRENOLOGY.-A DISCUSSION. MR. FAIRPLAY, President. MR. SCRIVEN, Secretary. Speakers-MR. STRAIGHTWAY, MR. HARDEN, MA. CRANEY. MR. STIFFLIP, MR. OCCIPUT, DR. LITTLEHEAD, DR. SUTURE, DEA. SLENDER, REV. MR. GREATSOUL MR. FEARFUL, MR. WITTEE, MR. CONVOLUTE, DR Powwow, DR. BEGARRE, DR. SNEAKER, MR. LANCET, SQUIRE SPONGE, REV. DR. NODDLE. [The members are seen talking together in groups; and at last, the Secretary raps on the table, and says,} GENTLEMEN-The hour has arrived when this meeting should be called to order; and, as the president and vice president are both absent, it will be necessary for you to appoint a president pro tem. Will you please to nominate. Secretary. Gentlemen, I caught the name of Mr. Fairplay. If it be your minds that he preside, this evening, over your deliberations, you will please to signify it. [All hold up hands, and the Secretary says,] Secretary. It is a vote. Mr. Fairplay, will you have the goodness to take the chair? Mr. Fairplay advances to the chair, takes off his hat and cloak, and, lefore sitting, addresses the society, who are all seated, thus,] Mr. Fairplay. Gentlemen-When I am Louored in this way, I make it a point to accept. and to perform the duty to the best of my ability. Should I fail to give satisfaction, it will not only prove my incapacity to preside, but yours to make a proper selection of a presiding officer I have no doubt, however, that your debate will be conducted with so much courtesy as to render my duty pleasant and easy. If you will give your attention, the secretary will read the subject of discussion appointed for this evening. the [Different members nominale Dr Bump, Deacon | to deny, that Doctors Gall and Sparzheim were lender, Captain Gruff, Squire Screw, Mr. | skilful anatomists, and that they examined Fairplay. the structure of the brain, of the nerves, and of the skull, more carefully than any other had done; and this, surely, did not disqualify them for judging of the USES of the brain and nerves. It is customary for quacks and impostors, sir, to start with less knowledge than those who are called regular practitioners; but they started, sir, with more. And if their opponents, whom I may also cail their enemies, have since confessed that their discoveries in anatomy are real and impor tant, we have reason to hope, sir, that they will, ere long, be also compelled to confess. that the application of their facts to illustration of mind, is only foolish, because it is above the comprehension of fools. Mr. Stifflip. Mr. President! President. Mr. Stifflip, gentlemen. Mr. Stifflip. I rise, sir, to reply to the gentleman last up; and I shall endeavor to do so effectually in a few words. I acknowledge, sir, that the researches of Gall and Spurzheim threw some light upon the structure and operations of the brains and nerves. But, sir, this acknowledgment may be made, without any obligation to follow them into the mazes whither they wandered, after they left the sure basis of facts. to soar into the regions of fancy. I may believe, sir, in the number, and magnitude, and movements of the planets. as taught by astrologers; but, sir, I am not obliged to believe all their nonsense about the influence of these bodies upon the destiny of men. While Gali and Spurzheim confined themselves to anatomy, they did well; but when they began to speculate upon the mind, they went beyond their depth, and could not expect any reasonable man to follow them. I never will believe, sir, that the flights of the almost infinite mind depend upon the size and operations of the brain. Why, sir, some animals that have no brain, astonish us by their performances. How will the gentlemen in the affirmative get over this fatal objec tion? Secretary. The question is, "Is phrenology entitled to the rank of a science?" [He then repeats it in a loud and dis'ine! voice] President. Gentlemen, the subject is before you, and you are invited to express your opinions upon it. Mr. Straightway. Mr. President! President. Mr. Straightway, gentlemen. Mr. Straightway. It appears to me, sir, that the question lacks precision, inasmuch as it is very uncertain what definition it attaches to the word science. Johnson, sir, tells us that science is "knowledge." Gibbon says it is synonymous with "speculation." I would propose, therefore, sir, that, before we proceed any farther, we ascertain in what sense the word science is to be understood, President. The chairman of the committee who proposed the question, is present, and will be good enough to answer the gentleman's inquiry. Mr. Harden. Sir. the committee were aware that the term science is often loosely applied to knowledge of all sorts, but they believed that there was a stricter sense in which it should be used; and in behalf of the committee, I would propose that the definition of science shall be, "certain knowledgeknowledge founded on facts." Mr. Craney. Mr. President! President. Mr. Crauey, gentlemen, Mr. Craney. The definition, sir, that the gentleman has given, is certainly very strict; but I shall not object to it, if we be required to prove no more than can be proved of the other sciences To open the debate, therefore, sir, I assert. that phrenology is a science, founded on facts, and as certain as any human knowledge. It is founded on facts sir, inasmuch as most of the important discoveries in anatomy are the basis of it; and its truths are demonstrable to the senses. It is certain, sir, in so far as its principles, if understood, may be applied to estimate the mental power by the size, and form, and other pecul arities of the head. Ithink, sir, no one will be bold enough Mr. Occiput Mr. President! President. Mr Occiput, gentlemen. Mr. Occiput. The gentleman asks, sir, how we shall get over his fatal objection. As the Indian got over the rainbow, sir, by getting under it. When the gentleman asserts, sir. that some animals without brain astonish us by their performances, does he mean that they perform any intellectual operations like those performed by man? No, sir; no. Their performances are confined to eating, continuing their species, and dying. The gentleman must know, sir, that the lower animals, to which he alludes, are not, as he asserted, with out brain. But, sir, their brain, like the god of some of our own species, is in their stomachs. I believe no animal has yet been found, sir, without a nervous system, and bundles or knots of nerves, which, though not in the head, are the seat of what intelligence they possess. If the gentleman will bring us a human being without any brains in his skull, and yet possessing as much intelligence as if his skull was large and full, then we must confess that phrenology is all a lie. Dr. Littlehead. Mr. President! | [In a squeaking voice.] President. Dr. Littlehead, gentlemen. Dr. Littlehead. I should like to ask. Mr. President, whether the gentleman will pretend, as some have done, that the intellect depends upon the size of the cranium, and, of course, upon that of the cerebrum and cerebellum. Mr. Occipat. We do pretend so, Mr. President. Dr. Littlehead. Then, Mr. President, I must protest against any such preposterous method of measuring the illimitable intellect. Sir, I maintain, myself apart. sir, that I have seen as many smart men with small heads as with large ones, sir. And whence have we the proverb "A great head and little wit, if it be not a fact, sir, that a great head is no evidence of intellectual superiority? Sir, I protest, with all the intellectual power I possess, against the injustice aud folly of the gentleman's position. Dr. Suture. Mr. President! Dr. Suture. I rise, sir, to calm the fears of the gentleman last up, by assuring him, that, although a large head is generally an index of powerful intellect, and a small one of inferior capacity, still there are exceptions to the general rule, and I pray the gentleman to consider himself as one of them. The fact is, sir, there are three sorts of large heads-the diseased head, which is often monstrous, even in children; the large head, whose chief bulk is behind the ears, in which the animal propensities predominat ›; and the large head, whose chief bulk is above and before the ears, in which the intellect predominates. I might add, that there are several kinds of litle heads, but I do not wish to be personal. I will remark, however, that sometimes a small head is connected with great nervous irritability; and, in such cases, the little head is sometimes a match for a large head that is attached to a sluggish body; but this, as I said before, is an exception. Deacon Slender. Mr President! President. Deacon Slender, gentlemen. Deacon Slender. Inanasal, drawling tone.] Mr President, we live in strange times, sir. When I was a boy, sir, we larnt every thing from the Bible, and the Bible threw light upon every kind of knowledge. But now. sir, it seems as if the chief object of science was to prove that the Bible is wrong, and that it is contradicted by science and by facts. I want to know, sir, what we are coming to: for, if the effect of larning is to destroy the Bible, I shall vote against laying any more taxes to support public schools. Mr. Greatsoul. Mr. President! President. Rev. Mr. Great soul, gentlemen. I Mr. Greatsorl I rarely take any part in your debates, Mr. President; but the inquiry of my worthy friend, just ap, indnces me to make a remark upon an error which. I fear, is to prevalent among many whose hearts are BRONSON. 23 right, but whose fears are wrong. He seems to think, sir, that the sciences, and especially some new sciences of our day, have a tendency to destroy the authority of the Scriptures. Now, sir, I will venture the remark, that the system of religion taught us in the Bible derives much of its beauty from the illustrations of science, and depends upon science for some of its strongest points of defence. Natural science cannot alter the revelation of God to man-a revelation of spiritual truths to the spirit. It has happened, to be sure that the discoveries of science have been thought not to agree with some statements in the Scriptures; but, sir, these statements relate t physical facts, to which the Bible only alludes as the prevailing belief of the day. There is no treatise upon geology, geography, astronomy, or metaphysics, in the Bible; nor does the Bible pretend to teach these sciences, or any other. It leaves them where it found them. Now, sir, am 10 phrenologist; but I am prepared to say, that if this science is founded upon facts, and is true, it must aid the cause of revelation; for it must enlarge the human mind, and enable it better to understand those truths which, while they are lowered to the comprehension of the simplest mind, are able, also, to stretch to its utmost reach the intellect of angels. I hope my worthy neighbor will cease to jook, with fear, upon the progress of any science; for, if it is of man, it will come to night without his assistance; but, if it is true, or, what is the same thing, if it is of God, man cannot overthrow it. Mr. Fearful. Mr. President! President. Mr. Fearful, gentlemen. Mr. Fearful. He has his hat on.) I hope I shall be excused, sir, for wearing my hat; but I have no idea of having my head inspected, sir, and turned to ridicule, for the amusement of this audience. Not that I believe, sir, that the professors of this pretended science can tell my character any better from the outside of my head, than they can from the outside of my hat; but they have a habit, sir, of ridiculing the person whose arguments they cannot answer, and I am not to be ridiculel sir, by them. Mr. Wiltre. Does the gentleman mean sir, that we may not exercise our Yankee privilege of guessing what is concealed under his hat! Mr. Fearful. The gentleman may guess sir, for it is all guess work; and I dare say sir, that if he judges of my character by the bumps of my hat, he will come as near to the truth as they generally do. Mr. Willee. I guess, then, sir, the gentle. man has a small head, and is ashamed of it. His hat is pretty large at the ears, where it should not be, and very small at the top, where the nobler faculties lie. His hat will not savo him, sir Mr. Fearful. [Taking off his hat with some rehemence. Sir. I have as good a head na the gentleman himself, sir. Mr. Wittee. I dare say he has, sir. I only made my remarks to see if his self esteem would let him keep his hat on, under the imputation that his head was a diminutive head. I knew he could not do it, sir, if there is any truth in phrenology, any more than the crow of old could help singing, when old Reynard flattered her. Mr. Fearful. I rose, at first, sir, to remark, that phrenology can never be true, because the Creator would never so expose our characters, that others could read them on our heads. This would subvert the whole system of society, sir; for those who were gifted would despise their less fortunate neighbors, and those who were marked with criminal propensities, would not dare to show their heads. This is the remark I wished to make, sir; and I assert, that no man can know what is in man, except from his actions. do so. Mr. Convolute. Mr. President! Dr. Powwow. Mr. President! Dr. Powwow. The concluding remark of Dr. Begarre. Monsieur le President! President. Dr. Begarre, gentlemen. Dr. Begarre. Monsieur le President, I me Ma foi! up get; rise to respond to de gentilhomme who has just himself seated down. Monsieur le President, what for why he tin our science nobel do make men coquin, rogues, any more as de old system. Eef 1 fine out by de cranium, and he by de actiona, dat one man is grand rogue, I no keep de me... so, any no more dan he. He tink de Create ar to de man have give one ver bad mind, a.. ma foi! I tink so too. Eh bien, well now, the tink de man wid de mind unfortunate car himself reform, make bettare. Ma foi! I tink so too. Mais, but de gentilhomme say you tra de bump so de man bad must be man lai toujours, always. Now, Monsieur le President, how de bump come on de head? Because de faculty of de mind want him to work wia. If de faculty work hard, great deal, wiz him, he grow large, he grow strong, like de litted boy when he work, eat like any ting, till he grow great man, grand homme. Den, if de oder good bonnes faculties say to de bao faculty, "You mus reform, you mus work not any more;" den he mus stop to grow, and ore dese day he grow littell encore, again. Dr. Powwow. Does the gentleman mean. that when his leetell boy has become a great man, if he leaves off working, he will become a leetell boy again? Dr. Begarre. Oui, monsieur, I mean dat de organ will grow weak, feebell, as de littel garçon, boy, what you call. De exercise of de faculty make de organ bump strong, and de non exercise of him make him weak ag'gen. I hope de gentilmens, all two of dem, understand dat de bump no fix de faculty, but de faculty fix de bump, or unfix him, as he please. I sensible, Monsieur le President, dat I no speak de langue Anglaise propare, and I demand pardon. I tank you. I myself sit down. Mr. Wittee. Mr. President, I rise to ark "Is phrenology if we are not departing from the question before us? The question is, entitled to the rank of a science?" are speculating upon other subjects But we President. If we are inquiring as to the truth of facts, and the certainty of knowledge. we can hardly avoid discussing all the es But as our time has negriv dental questions to which phrenology as given rise. expired, I hope the gentlemen will coufia e themselves, as strictly as possible, to the question. Dr. Sneaker. Mr. President! President. Dr. Sneaker, gentlemen. Dr. Sneaker. I rise, sir, to remark. that. in my opinion, nothing can be more absurd, than for the friends of phrenology to pretend that there is any thing certain in any of their speculations. Go to one professor, and he will tell you that you are a rogue; and go to another, and he will tell you that you are a fool. If any thing could be told by the bumps, as bumps never deceive, like features, there could not be such a discrepancy. 1 have had all sorts of things said about my head |