Page images
PDF
EPUB

Mr. Lancet. Mr. President !

and my science. Certan'! Ah! ma foi ! what President. Mr. Lancet, gentlemen,

you call certan'! Monsieur le President Mi. Lancet. I rise, Mr. President, to ask pardon'; what sex you are ? t'e gentleman last up. if it is any more absurd President. Sex! u believe in phrenology, because its professors Dr. Begarre. Oui, what religion party you Hitler iu regard to particular cases, than to belong? bozlieve that medicine is a science, when President. Oh! I am an Episcopalian. odoctors so generally disagree, that nothing is Dr. Begarre, Eh bien. [Speaking to Dr. certain in medicine, except that the patient Noddle.) El vous, Monsieur le Docteur Nod besc die? The gentleman says that some pro dell'? tessors have told him that he was a rogue, and Dr. Noddle. It is well known that I am a others that he was a fool; I would ask, Mr. Presbyterian. l'resident, if it is impossible for both to be right? Dr. Begarre. Eh bien. (Looking at Di Squire Sponge. Mr. President!

Powow. Et vous, Monsieur le Docteur President. Squire Sponge, gentlemen. Pow wow?

Squire S'ponge. The gentleman seems to Dr. Powoworo. I am a Baptist, I suppose. think that the science of medicine is uncertain, Dr. Begarre. Très bien. Et vous. Monsieur ind really something must be conceded to him le Reverend Greatsol, what sex you follow? on this point; but, for a moment, I should like Mr. Greatsoul. I am called a Methodist. 1. contrast the uncertainty of phrenology with Dr. Begarre. Erough. (Shrugging hos tablished principles of my profession. shoulders.) Pardon'.

You have prove de The great principles of law, sir, are so well certainty of de science of téologie. Ma foi! Bettied, that no one can be in doubt about dere is notting certan' but dat you all diffare liem; and, until phrenology attains to some. row, nevare, all time. I vill not spokes no thing like the same stability, it must lay aside more. all pretensions to the rank of a science.

President. Gentlemen, the hour to wbjci: Dr. Begarre. Monsieur le President, I stand your debate is limited by the by-laws, has iny self up again, to say to the gentilhomme up elapsed, and the debate must be arrested. I at last, that it phrenologie was no more certan it your mind that the question be put in the dan bis law, I should be much sorry. Ma foi! usual manner? If so, please to manifest it. Monsieur le President, you cut off de head of

(All hold up hands.) s our trin, and de lawyer tell you all juste, all President It is a vote. Such, then, as are propare. . Eh bien, you go wid your bead cut of opinion that phrenology is entitled to the of -

no, your frin go wid his head cut off rank of a science, will please to hold up their to de oder lawyare, and he say de ting is hands.

(Some hold up injuste. De one lawyare show to you de case, President. Such as are otherwise minded de decision, ten, tive, dozan, all for you. Den

(Some hold up) de oder lawyare, he have five, ten, dozan President. The question is decided in the tuzzer way. "Eh bien, well den, de juge say affirmative. all two ways parfaitement juste, and de juree (Several cry out, Doubted! Doubted!) dey no gree. Voila! what you call certainty? President. The decision is doubted, gentle Ma foi ! dare is notting certan', but dat both men. Will you be good enough partees will be sheeted out of all de l'argent, Mr. Straightway. Mr. President, I woulu what you call sponge. It must be allow dat I ask, whether the decision of this question de law is certainement one grand science. here, will settle the question even here. I move I have hear dat dey throw de Salem vish in that the meeting be ardjourned. de vautare, and if he swim, he visk, certan', Dr. Begarre. I will be his second. and he have de body squeeze out of his President. It is moved and seconded, that breath ; but if he himseli drown under de this meeting be adjourned. If this be your vautare, he have de consolation to learn dat mind, gentlemen, you will please to signily it. he is no vish. Monsieur le President, de

(All hands up rish is de man who go to de law; if he President. The meeting, then, is adjourned. swim, he is ruin; if he no swim, (shrugging

(F. F. D.) his shoulders.] den dat is all. Dr. Noddie. I must confess, Mr. Presi.

762. I'LL TRY; OR, YANKEE MARKSMAN. dent

LORD PERCY, with his regiment, firing at a target President. The Rev. Dr. Noddle, gentlemen on Boston Common. JONATHAN, an awkward looking

Dr. Noddle. I must confess, Mr. President, country boy, that had outgrown his jacket and that the charge of uncertainty lies, with some

trousers. force, against the two sciences of law and Percy. Now, my boys, for a trial of your medicine ; but will the friends of phrenology skill! Imagine the mark to be a Yankee; and hazard a comparison of their science with that here is a guinea for whoever hits his heart. of theology, that sure word of prophecy, as (Jonathan draws near to see the trial; and unerring as it is eternal and unchangeable. when the first sildier fires, and misses, he I think the gentlemen in the affirmative must slops his hand on his thigh, und laughs concede that their science has no claims to inimoderately. Lord Percy notices hima. certainty, compared with those of theology. When the second soldier pircs, and misses,

Dr. Begarre. Ah, Monsieur le Ministère, Jonathan throws up his old hal, and laughe I am great much sorry to myself oppose to again)

ou. Mais, but, I cannot hold on to my tongue, Percy.' (Very crossly.] Why do you lauga, when you make comparaison between téologie fellow?

men.

Jonathan. To think how safe the Yankces Perry. Do you think your father can shoot are, if you must ki.cw.

as well as you do? Percy. Wliy, do you think you could shoot Jonathan. I don't know; but I guess ho better!

wouldn't be afeard to try. Jonathun. I don't know; I could try

Percy. Where did you learn your skill? Percy. Give him a pun, soldier, and you Jonathan. Oh, father larnt me, when I xoay return the fellow's laugh.

wasn't knee high to a woodchuck. Jonathan. [Takes the gun, and looks at Percy. Why did he teach yon so young? every part of it carefully, and then soys,) It Jonathan. 'Cause, he said, I might have to ! on bust, will it ? Father's gun don't shine shoot red-coats, one of these days. T'ke this, but I guess it's a better gun.

Percy. Ah! Pray, my boy, do all the Percy. Why? Why do you guess so? farmers in your town shoot as well as you do?

Jonuithon. 'Cause I know what that'll den, Jonathan. Yes, and better, teu. and I have some doubts about this ere.

But

Percy. Would they like to shoot at red. jook o here! You called that-air mark a

coats, as you call them ? Yankee; and I won't fire at a Yankee.

Jonathan. I've heerd 'em say they'd like Percy. Well, call it a British regular, if to try. son please; only fire.

Percy. Come, my good fellow, while yon Jonathan. Well, a reg'lar it is, then Now are well off, you had better join us, and fight for freedom, as fatper says. (He raises the for your king; for we shall hang every Yankee ***21, and fires.] There, I guess that-air red we catch, vat has got a hole in it! [Turning to the Jonathan. I guess you won't catch any. soldiers. Why don't you laugh now, as that. Percy. Well, we can try, as you say; and, wir fellow said you might [Pointing to l'erey.) since we have caught you, we will hang you

Percy. You awkward rascal, that was an for a traitor. accident. Do you think you could hit the Jonathan. No you won't. Yon paid me mark again?

yourself for killing them three red.coats; so I Jonulhan. He! I don't know ; I can try. guess you won't hang me for that.

Percy. Give him another gun, soldiers ; Percy. No, my good fellow, I like you too and take care that the clown does not shoot well. I am sorry that my duty to my king :09. I should not fear to stand before the obliges me to injure men who show, in every mark myselt.

thought and action, that they are true English. Joruthan. I guess you'd better not.

You may go free; but the next time Percy. Why? Do you think you could you see my troops firing at a mark for exercise, bit me!

you must not be so uncivil as to laugh at them, Jonathan. I don't know; I could try. when they miss. What say you ? Percy. Fire away, then.

Jonathan. I don't know whether I can [Jonathur fires, and again hits the mark.] help it. Jonu! lun. Ha, ha, ha! How farlier would Percy. Well, you can try, can't you ? longh to see me shooting at ball-gun-shot! Jonathan I s'pose I can; for Deacon

Percy. Why, yon rascal, do you think you Simple tried to milk his geese, but his wife could bít the mark at twice that distance ? didn't make no more butter for his trying,

Jonathan He! I don't kuow; I'm not I guess. ateard to try.

Percy. Begone! or I shall bave to put you Percy. Give him another gun, soldiers, and under guard. Oflicer, give him a pass to place the mark further ofl.

Charlestown; but never let him come among J.Jonathan fivex again, and hits as before.] our troops again. His example is

bad Jonathan. There, I guess that-air reg'lar one.

(F.F. D ) 18 as dead as the pirate that father says the udge bangs till he is dead, dead, dead, three

763. times dead; and that is one more death than George How are you, Dick? Why, what's Scripter tells on.

the matter, boy? Whose sins are you limeni. Percy. There, fellow, is a guinea for you. ing now? Jonaikan. Is it a good one? (Ringing it.) Richard. Yours, George. I cannot but Percy. Good? Yes. Now begone! tremble for you, when I consider what must

Jonathan. I should like to stay, and see be the inevitable consequence of your present them fellows kill some more Yankees.

line of conduct. Percy. Aside ] The fellow is more rogue George. Pshaw, Dick!

Now don't. my than tool. [ 70 Jonathan.] Sirroh, what is good fellow, distress yourself ou my account; your name?

for I am determined to enjoy life, and I bouid Jonathan. Jonathan.

be sorry to have my enjoyment the source Percy. Jonathan what?

of pain to an old friend. Jonihan. Wot'll you give to know? Richard. What do you mean by enjoy. Percy. What is your father's name? ment? Jonathan He was named arter me.

George. Enjoyment! Why, plenty of ail Percy. You lying rozue, how could that be, the good things of this world, and a comfort. if you are his son?

able sit down, now and then, with oue's Jonatiurn. Why, you see. his name was frieuds. George, and he was aleard they'd think be Richard. But, do you not recollect that was called arter King George, and so the your resources are by ro means equal to your Sin'ral Court altered it to lov.

dress, and other extraordinary expenses 1

DRESS AND ASSURANCE.

accu

George. We bloods look to our dress for Richard. You mizht add, that drinking and resources, and not tu our resources for dress, tobacco, gaming and debt, were once the vices as you do.

ot' meu; but now every fashionable urchiu car Michurd. Can you do this bonestly? driuk his bottle smoke his cigar, and bet like

Grorge, Houest.ly! (Drawling il oul.] a gamester. Of debis. I have nothing to add We have no such woni in our vocabulary. to the description you have just given me.

Richard. Su it would seem, But, tell me, George You have omitted one accomplish bow do you contrive to keep up such an ment, however. The lad of fashion must swear appearance of wealth and fashion, when I can a little. Nothing will show oue's consequence barely subsist? What is the chief requisite ? like a volley of oaths, now and then. But

Gewue. Assurance, my dear. Lay in a dress is the remote cause of all this. I am good stock of assurance, and you have a mine sorry to own it, but you seldom see a man at your disposal.

of sense who is a fop. When you dress a Richard But will assura ce clothe me? calf's head, you must always take out the

George. Yes, and feed you, too. Hark ye, brains. Dick. If your clothes are worn out, or unfash Richard. But how do all these conse jonavle, go to a tailor, and order a suit of the quences proceed from dress? best cloth. 10 be sent to your lodgings Say George I will tell you, since I have begur. nothing about the price, mind you-ay nothing to reveal our secrets. The time was, Dick, about that. None but the vulyar, wlis intend when modesty was considered an 10 pay: ever say any thing about the price. plishment in children, and deference to iber:

Rihard. Well, but must uol pay for superiors a duty. But now, almost as soon as them!

they can walk, children are expected to *** Geoge. Pay for them? No, man. When rid of their modesty, and learn to disregasi Pricklouse calls for his money, order another the presence of their elders and superiors. suit. Try this expedient till he refuses to Richard. How does this attect their dress! work for

you, then swear at him for a trouble George The competition commences ?? so ne puppy, and forbid b m your bouse. school; and then. as the tuition will all be

Ricard Clothes, however, are not all I lost without practice, and there is some tear sball need.

of the lad's relapsing into his former modesty, Googc. That's true, Dick. But they will he must be introuuced into company, an! procure everything else. What's a man frequent balls and assemblies, where cires wiihout clothes? A sniooth shilling, that indispensable. And as, with a genteel coni. hardly passes für what it really weiglus, while and a thorough knowledge of ille caparity every body gives currency to one tresh from of bis heels, he meets with a better reception the mint. Clothes, Dick, are a sine qua non

than real worth does in a plain garb, it is po with us bloods.

wonder that so many of our young men decorrer Richard. How so? Every body appears their persous, instead of adorning their minds to laugh at your fashionable trim, and to and parade at the corners of our stretta, wonder how you dare appear so ridiculous. instead of attending to their business or

George. Yes: and yet the same people do studies. us bomage. No door is closed against a tine Richard. But is not all this an argument coat. Few tradesmen inquire how we came against dress ? by it; and where the lady wlio does not George. Yes, Dick; but what has argument prefer it to an olu, uvlashionable one, let who to do with fashion? You might as well talk on will be in it?

reason to the idiot, who is not a subject vt in. Rihard. But still I should appear awkward Richard Do you ever consider what the in company,

end of all this tolly must necessarily be? George Not if you have assurance. George, Oh, no! Futurity is another word impudent fellow may do a thousand awkward we have nothing to do with. But I have made thin as, that would ruin a modest man. Nay, my confessions, and have no idea of bearing is Dick, we sometimes have onr blunders lecture upon them. So, good bye to you. imitated. You recollect the story of Lord The first glass I drink, shall be to your health Spencer, who, losing the skirts of luis coat and reformation. accidentally, bad assurance enough to wear Richard. You had better continue thirsty. what was leli on bis shoulders, and obtained and promote your own. I thank you, how. the honor of introducing the garment which ever, for the bints you have given me; and, bu ars his name.

I trust, in future, I shall remain contented with Richard. He was more successful than the my obscurity, and uo longer envy those whose fox we read of in the table. who, having lost exterior is their only recommendation. his tail, wished to persuade his brethren of the

(F. F. D.) inutility of that appendage.

764. George. He was ashamed of his loss. Dick

SQUIRE Gruff, who has been a Representative, Depend upon it, that fox wanted an-urance, MR. ETHER, a City Barber, "showing off' in a But my principles are gaining xround lost; Country Village. or how else can you account for the fact, that (SCENE--The rillage bar-room.) men of threescore are turning fops, aut most Elhor. (Always drurling affectedly.) OLD of the rising generation attend 10 noihing but A POCKYPHA! do you vegelate in this village dress. Time was, when the cloak and surtout Gruj. Yes. were the peculiar gurb of mauliood. Now no E'hor. You don t say su! boy is without them.

Girl Yes, I do.

AD

TIIB DANDY.

but

Ether. I can't live out of the metropolis. Ether. Name! sir!-name! It is decidedly Your sun taus memans me like a Hottentut-impolite to ask a genıleman his name. I cannot indeed it does.

auswer so impolite a question—upon my soul, (iruif. It does not prevent your looking I cannot. Greent.

Gruff Give me your card, then. Ether. Your air, 100, stifles me; and your Ether. Excuse me,I left the last perfumed dust is altogether inconsistent with tree respira one at Miss Vanilla's, just before I had the tou-it is, indeed it is.

extraordinary bappiness of meeting you, Gruif. You'll die one of these days.

Gruff: Give me one that is not pertumed. E her. You are disposed to be facetious, Ether. Excuse me, my dear sir-you dis. friend. But I have found it inipossible to live tress me exceedingly. I am not accustomed in America, since I visited Italy. Our houses to such personalities-decidedly unaccustomed are beaver-danis, decidedly. I can't look at a -altogether unused, I assure you. building here I can't really.

Gruff. Is not your name Ether? (irut Have you seen the State House? Elher: Sir! you are disposed to be faceEther. I called to see it one morning, tious, sir-decidedly facetious, sir, upon my

honor. Wbat could superinduce the unac. Cruil Wasn't it at home?

countable liberty that you have taken, in Ether. You are a very facetious gentle suspecting that my name may be eh! 1984.-you are, upon my soul; but I had rather what did you conjecture that it was ? take a pilgrimage to Mecca, than climb up to Gruff. I've shaved at your shop Luiat cupola I couldn't survive the fatigue Elher. Some stupendous conspiracy has couldn'l, by Hercules!

been formed to disturb my equanimity-it (irul You had better go up, then, at once. bas, indeed it has.

E her. I went up ten steps, and sank under Gruff. You seem to be all in a latber. 1: ---Wooned, absolutely swooned; and that Ether. 'Sdeath and gunpowder-tea! why tibariau of a guide liad no fan to lend me. do you persecute me in this decidedly unplea. di is bomicide, rank homicide, by Hercules ! sanı manuer? Beware, sir! I may become Ciruj Are there no stairs in Italy? passionate-decidedly passionate, sir -- and

her: You are disposed to be facetious, then I cannot answer for the consequences! tend. But you never travelled-I'll bet a yes, sir, for the consequences! I may do a will sized ice-cream you haven't.

deed that may be irrevocable, irreme diable, Gornj I'll take the bet.

sir--unequivocally irremediable as death itself, Biker You won't though, will you? Well, sir!-I may indeest, sir! I'm glad to meet with a traveller; for there's Grut. Young man, you bad better go home wuthing here worth talking about. When one to your shop. You never saw any thing of viits been abroad, home is execrable-perfectly Italy, but the Naples soap you sell. ll you isdeous, I assure you.

are ashamed of your business, let me tell you Gruff: Better stay away, then.

that every honest trade is a respectable one; Elher. You are right, friend—decidedly and, in my opinion, the plainest barber is, in right. I wish the boiler of the steam.packet every respect, superior to au aflectei moukey that transported me back, had collapsed-1-decidedly superior-pon my soul.superiorapon my soul, I do-even though my epidermis it is indeed, sir.-So, good bye to you iad been damped by the steam.

(He goes oul.) Grut. Can you swim?

Ether. Well, this is deridedly plain-upon Ether. You are too facetious, old horse. my soul, it is; and, if it was not for one thing radish? But it is relapsing into barbarism to more than another, I'd follow that old crabstick coine home again-it is dying by inches—it is, - I would decidedly-upon my honor, I would. indeed it is.

I deserve two immortalities-indeed I do Grutt. How tall are you?

for not becoming passionate, unrestrainedly Ether. I shall evaporate in a consumption passionate, under such provocation. But I au six weeks-1 shall, indeed.

will punislı him. I'll take him by the nose, Grull. You had better hang yourself. if he ever enters my shop again, and if I don't

Ether. No, that would be vulgar-decidedly lacerate his jugular for him, it will be because vulgar-unmitigated vulgarity Sit would, in. I'm afraid 10-indeed it will, it will indeed. deed. I would put my head into a bowl of (He goes oul, pulling up his dickey with a German cologne, if I thought I could keep it determined air.)

(F. F. D.) under. Gruff. I'll hold it down for you.

765. TRE FEMALE EXQUISITES. Ether. Thank you kindly. I hate to trouble MRS. KERBEY. Becky, her Daughter. KATI, her a friend, in such an unpleasant business.

Niece. Madge, the Servant Girl. GrultNo trouble. I've drowned a hundred Mrs Kersey. TELL me what you have puppies in my day.

done to the gentlemen who have just left the Ether. Do you mean to apply that offensive house in such a rage? Did I not request you appellation to me, sir?

to receive them as your destined husbands? Gruff. You applied it--I didn'ı.

Becky. How could we treat them civilly, Eiher. Oh, you didn't apply it. Well mother, when they offered themselves at the apologized; for I am averse to bloodshed first visit? decidedly averse to shedding blood, sir.

Mrs. Kersey. And what was there improper Gruif Look here, young chap! what is in that? your name?

Becky. Oh, horrible! If the affair were

managed in this vulgar manner, a romance Becky. Impertinent? How insupportable! would soon have an end.

And who is his lady? Katy. Aunt, my cousin is perfectly right. Madge. He called her the Marchioness How can one receive people entirely unac. Quizzilla. quainted with the delicacies of gallantry? Becky.. [To Katy.) Oh, my dear, a marI don't believe they ever heard of Tenderland, chioness !-a marchioness! It is, no doubt, and the sighs, and billet-doux, and sentimental some intellectual lady, who has heard of our raptures, that are the peculiar growth of its arrival. Thirk of il-a marchioness! my dear. suil.

Katy. Let us adjust our dress, and sustain Becky. Does not their whole appearance the reputation which bas preceded as. [To indicate this ? Come to make a formal visit, Madge.) Run and bring us the counsellor of and expect to be admitted the first time! the Graces.

Katý. And then, to wear a coat without Madge. Gracious, ma'am! I don't know trous, and hands without gloves! Besides, what sort of a critter that is. You must talk I noticed that their stocks were not in the Christian if you wish me to understand you. newest style

Katy. Bring us the mirror, then, ignora. Becky. "And their vests were fully an inch mus! and take care that you do not sully too long.

the glass by letting your ugly image pass Mrs. Kersey. You are both crazy-Katy, before it. and you, Becky

(Madge, going out, meets the Marchioness Becky. Oh, for goodness' sake, mother,

entering, rciled.] do leave off calling us by these outlandish Madge. Madam, these are my mistresses. pames!

Marchioness, Ladies, you will be surprised, Mrs. Kersey. Outlandish names, miss! are no doubt, at the audacity of my visit, but your they not your true and proper Christian reputation bas broughi it upon you. Merit Dames!

has such charms for me, that I break down all Becky. Heavens! how vulgar! What barriers to gel at it. astonishes me is, that you should ever have Becky. ll you are in pursuit of merit, you had so intellectual a daughter as myself must not hunt for it on our domain, Who ever heard of Becky or Katy in retined katy. li you find any mert here, you must conversation ? and either name would be have brought it. enough to blast the finest romance that ever Becky. Madge! was written

Madye. Ma'am. Katy. It is true, aunt; for it is distressing Becky. Approximate hither the sedentary to an ear of any delicacy to bear such words aids of conversational intercourse. pronounced. And the name of Seraphina Madge. Ma'am! Cherubina, which my cousin has adopted, and Becky. Brin, some chairs, dolt! that of Celestina Azurelia, wbich I have Kaly. Come, madam, do not be inexorable bestowed upon myself, have a grace which to that chair, which is stretching out its arms even you must perceive.

to embrace vou. Mrs. Kersey. Hear me--I have but one

[The morchioness sits affectedly.) word to say. I will bear of no other names Marchioness. Well, ladies, what do you than were given you by your godtthers and think of the city.

(Eril Madge.] godmothers; and as to the gentlemen, I know Becky. We have not yet had an oppor. their worth, and am resolved that you shall tunity of seeing its inetlable attractions. marry them. I am tired of having you upon Marchioness. Leave that to me. I will my hands.

establish an academy of wits at your house, Becky. Allow us to breathe awhile among and not a rhyme shall be made in the city t'ie fashionables of the city, where we have without your knowledge. I sometimes scratch hardly arrived. Give us time to weave the a line or iwo myself, and you will find at least web of our romance, and do not hasten the two hundred songs of mine, as many sonnets, catastrophe of our being with such unrefined four hundred epigrams. and more than a precipitation

thousand inadrigals, to say vothing of enigmas, Mrs. kersey You are a finished pair of charades, &c, running the rounds of the first fools, and shall be married or go to the mad. circles bouse immediately! (She goes on. Becky. Only think, my dear-over a thog.

katy. Merry on us! how completely sand mudrivals! material your mother is! How dull'is her Katy. And in the first circles, too! onderstanding! and how dark her soul! Murih.ones Hearing of your arrival, I

Becky. I can hardly persuade myself that have come to do you the homage of presenting I am really her danghter, and I am persuaded you an imprompiu that I made upon myself that some adventure will hereafter develope yesterday. I am unequalled in impromptus. A more illustrious parentaze.

Koty. An improruptu is the wuchstoue Enter Mudge.]

of wit. Madge There is a man below, who says Marchione e. Listen, then. his lady wishes to speak with you.

kuty and Breky. We are all attention. Becky. Dult! Cannot you deliver a message Marchioness. You will understand that I with less vulgarity? You should say, “A suppose a gentl. man to make the verses upon necessary evil wishes to be informed whether receiving a glance from my eyes. it is your pleasure to be accessible."

Katy and Beckej. What an ingenious Mudge. I don't understand French, ina'ain. I device?

« PreviousContinue »