OUR FOREIGN RELATIONS. THE Morning Chronicle has alluded to the precarious state of the Foreign Relations of Punch. We never like, at any time, talking about ourselves; but in this instance do not mind breaking through our usual reserve, to furnish our talented contemporary with the following authentic particulars : The Ports in France are closed against the admission of Punch. A private copy, however, is always sent over to the Tuileries, which LOUIS-PHILIPPE reads under the bed-clothes, the last thing at night, for fear of any one seeing him. It is a curious fact, that King's messengers are always sent off the first thing the following morning to the War Office, to complete the fortifications of Paris as rapidly as possible. The watchword of the Army is-" Mort au Punch. The whole of Prussia is blockaded against the entry of Punch. The police have the strictest orders to take any one into custody who attempts to smuggle in a copy. Every cheese, every little atom is sounded every cocoa-nut examined-every bottle viséd, to see if they contain any symptoms of Punch. The most important article of the Prussian Constitution will be (when it is published) :—“ It is high treason to read Punch." The Emperor of Russia has issued an Ukase in which it is forbidden to mention the name of Punch, under the penalty of ten years' exile in Siberia. A translation of every Number is laid every week before his Imperial Majesty; and whenever he is unusually cross, or indulges more than his wont, in edicts and confiscations, the servants of the Palace say to one another, "Look out! The Emperor has been reading Punch to-day`;" and the boldest Cossack trembles. Punch enjoys the advantages of Free Trade in China; and the Emperor, in his characteristic way, calls it "The Congou of Fun, and the Pekoe of Wit," and has written under innumerable copies, with his own celestial hand, "Strongly recommended for family use." ABD-EL-KADER is a regular subscriber to Punch, and always carries a copy about his person as a talisman against the "Sons of dogs," which it seems is the Oriental phrase for Frenchmen. MEHEMET ALI, ever since the bill of Punch was "stuck" by one of our bold staff upon the Pyramid, has graciously allowed a guard of forty sentries to be constantly stationed on the summit of that stupendous building, to look after it. Whenever he reads it, the descendant of the Prophet strokes his beard, and exclaims-" ALLAH be praised! Who'd have thought it ?" Africa and Asia are large consumers of Punch, ships of large tonnage trading there, being freighted frequently with no other merchandise; and America shows its admiration of Punch, in the same way that it does of the best English works, by reprinting it. It is not unusual to see two members of Congress fighting, like two Kilkenny cats, for the possession of an early copy. Punch circulates all over the world. A copy was lately found, entwined round the British Flag, at the top of the North Pole, and MRS. CAUDLE was spoken with last summer, in Behring's Straits. Wherever Punch is to be seen, there is freedom and joy,-wherever he is excluded, there is tyranny and gloom. The emigrant cannot have a better guide, in fixing his residence in a country, than in ascertaining first, whether Punch is admitted. Such is a condensed summary of the present state of our Foreign Relations. Bad and Good Oranges. Ar a recent inquest in St. Giles's, MR. WAKLEY told the jury that he had discovered a manufactory of Oranges, at which bad oranges could be made to put on the face of good ones. "The process pursued was the submitting of unripe and inferior oranges to the action of steam, or par-boiling them. This made them swell, filled out their rinds, and made them thin, the usual external sign that the fruit was good. To give them the last polish, and heighten their outward attraction, they were rubbed with a greasy piece of flannel, or with something more objectionable." last polish," did he not, as we may say, take his robe of royal purple, (having "nothing more objectionable") and rub and rub his brother Oranges, to pass them off on the world as most delectable and wholesome fruit-especially from Ireland? It is strange that MR. WAKLEY, with his proverbial sagacity, did not see, in the trick of St. Giles, only an imitation of a parliamentary trick of St. James! THE SHUTTLECOCK PAUPER. HE was old and thin, so that, under the skin, And, like whipcord strands, curled the veins of his hands, And his song went along with the clink of his hammer- "The story-books tell of the Wandering Jew· "Here I've lived by hard labour, man and boy, forty years; But "love of their neighbour" don't bind overseers, All in vain-with my toil of spade, scythe, pick and plough- "In this parish I married, as the church books can show, "Game ne'er made me poacher, want ne'er made me thief; I can't die where I like, I must live where I can,- "In England and Wales, if you search 'em all o'er, HOW TO READ THE DEBATES. As it is really a day's labour to read the Debates-and it is a luxury which only gentlemen possessing £1000 a year can afford-we advise persons who wish to acquire some knowledge of the legislature of their country, and yet have their business or pleasure to attend to, merely to glance over the "hears" and the "cheers," which are interspersed, like so many glow-worms, along the dark, interminable lanes of type. The "laughs" also are worth stopping in one's dreary journey to listen to, and an "Order from the Speaker" may also justify a momentary stoppage; but when there is nothing but a gloomy expanse of level, unbroken, barren-looking print before the reader, we recommend him to run over it as fast as he can, not to make a single stop, but to jump over each member's style in the most expeditious manner. spots we have marked are the only places worth halting at the few oases in the Grand Parliamentary Desert-all the rest is dust, dust, dust, nothing but dust, which would blind in time the strongest pair of line of march, the bold traveller, who intends running through the Arabia Petræa of Debates, will get to the end of his day's journey in the early part of the morning, and will have all the afternoon for resting himself. With a feeling of the truest benevolence we wish him a happy journey. The Well, it is not generally known that this process was first discovered by the KING OF HANOVER, when Duke of Cumberland. All the world recollects the talk about the bad Oranges in Ireland, his Royal High-eyes, and lay up the most indefatigable reader. By pursuing this ness being thought the sourest and most unwholesome Orange of the lot. Whereupon, in his place in the Lords, (assisted by an Orange from the same tree, LORD RODEN,) the Duke submitted the Oranges to certain warm and steaming speeches, endeavouring to make them swell into Oranges of a respectable appearance; and, then, to give them "the A GOOD IDEA. AMONG the petitions presented to the House of Commons, on Thursday evening, was one by MR. WAKLEY, from a gentleman in debt, who, out of a conscientious regard to the interests of his creditors, had applied to Parliament to lend him the money to settle with all of them. A desire to pay one's debts is so exceedingly laudable, that we hope the gentleman who has had the manliness to avow his embarrassments, will not be thwarted in his noble project of paying twenty shillings in the pound, by any ill-judged parsimony on the part of the Legislature. The debtor confesses he has taken the idea from the great piece of statesmanship lately propounded by LORD JOHN RUSSELL, as Prime Minister, in accordance with which Government is to lend, or give, which are often convertible terms, the money to pay the debts of the Irish landlords. It is delightful to see a private individual coming forward in a spirit of fine morality, and offering to pay his own debts on the same terms as those which are suggested to an entire nation by high ministerial authority. "Out of debt out of danger," is an admirable motto; and as Ireland is to be put out of danger by being got out of debt, we trust that MR. WAKLEY'S embarrassed petitioner will reap the fruits of his own honesty by the aid which-his being a parallel case to that of Ireland-he is fairly entitled to. What is true of the whole is true of a part, and what is good policy with regard to a whole community, must be good policy with regard to one of its members. The prayer of the gentleman's petition seems to be so reasonable, when we look at the policy Ministers have adopted with regard to Ireland, that we sincerely wish he may get it. 66 either. He was in the barbarous habit of requesting the philosopher to review his works, and putting him in prison if he expressed an unfavourable opinion. Had His Majesty been lucky enough to possess Quarterly Review in his dominions, he would have been spared this harsh alternative. VOLTAIRE on one occasion remarked that FREDERICK might be a great king, but was certainly a small poet, for which cutting sarcasm his pension was stopped and himself confined for several years in the fortress of Glatz, where he made the acquaintance of the well-known BARON TRENCK, and wrote his celebrated epic, the Pucelle de Belleville," on the outside of a pewter pot, with a rusty nail. FREDERICK set out in life with that determination to make his way, which has always marked the character of great conquerors and celebrated highwaymen. He found Prussia 2190 German miles in extent, and left it 3515, with seventy millions of dollars in the treasury, and an army of 200,000 men to keep off the owners, in case they claimed their property. All this was the fruit of the most unblushing spoliation, conducted on that large scale which entitles royal practitioners to the title of Great, while'smaller depredators seldom rise, except to the gallows. He did not, however, promise his subjects a Constitution. He contented himself with being the TURPIN of the house of Brandenburg, leaving to his present Majesty the character of its "ROBERT MACAIRE," which he now alternates with that of its "TARTUFFE," in a style quite unparalleled. ADDRESS OF CONDOLENCE TO PRINCE ALBERT. Mr. Punch, his bosom happening to be fired with loyalty, begs to move that the following Address of Condolence be presented by his numerous readers to PRINCE ALBERT : May it please your Royal Highness :-We, the undersigned, readers PUNCH'S HISTORICAL PORTRAIT GALLERY. of Punch, and constituting a large majority of the people of your FREDERICK THE GREAT. Gracious Consort, beg to approach your arm-chair-they lament that they are as yet unable to say throne-with feelings of condolence and sympathy. We never, except in case of necessity, omit that portion of our duties as subjects, which consists in daily reading the Court Circular, and making ourselves duly acquainted with all the movements and proceedings of our illustrious Sovereign, yourself, and your august family. From the first of last September until recently, we hardly remember to have perused a single Court Circular in which we did not find it related that your Royal Highness, in the morning, had, for several hours, enjoyed the diversion of shooting. We were thus made sensible of the high gratification derived by your Royal Highness from that amusement, and of the strong attachment of your Royal Highness to your princely gun. We are hence enabled to sympathise with your Royal Highness in what we conceive must be your Royal feelings during the present suspension of sport. We therefore humbly venture to condole with your Royal Highness on the termination of the shooting season, which occurred on the first of this month; and respectfully to express the hope that you will find some other amusement, which will be a resource and consolation to you between this time and the first of September next. This distinguised monarch is identified, in the popular mind, with war, jack-boots, high shoulders, snuff taken in immense quantities from the waistcoat pocket, and VOLTAIRE. His career is remarkable for the seven years' war, which is popularly confounded with the thirty years' detto, but should, we need not say, be carefully distinguished from it. FREDERICK was well known for his military sternness and brevity, which have made him a favourite on the stage and off. His amusoment, while in camp, was to order out the candles at ridiculously early hours, and then to prowl about, detecting those who neglected to "dowse their glims," and immediately putting them to death. His connexion with VOLTAIRE redounds very little to the credit of THE "STABLE MIND" ON CRACOW. ON the first night of the Session LORD GEORGE BENTINCK-with all the coolness of TATTERSALL's-assured the House that the people of Cracow were delighted at the annexation of the city. The Austrian Eagle was, in fact, quite a pet with them; in witness thereof they illuminated. Liberty was extinguished, and they lighted candles in gratitude therefore. And now, what says the last protest of LORD GEORGE's delighted citizens of Cracow ? "The inhabitants received notice that they were not to quit their houses, that doors and windows were to be kept closed, that the patroles were ordered to fire on any one who might come out at a door, or look out at a window, and that all the windows were to be lighted throughout the night. This last was an effectual precaution for preventing the inhabitants from moving about, or peeping furtively into the streets." And by windows so lighted, LORD STABLEMIND reads the huge content of an outraged people! Now, had the city been burnt to ashes, his Lordship would, doubtless, have eulogised the conflagration as a bonfire kindled to show far and wide the extreme felicity of the houseless! The Prattle of Parliament. THE House of Commons is "at it again ;"-at its old trick of talking to no purpose. LORD GEORGE BENTINCK brings forward an Irish Railway Bill, which he well knows will never pass; LORD JOHN RUSSELL declares that he shall oppose it, and yet allows it to be dis cussed. "Time," says the adage, "is money;" of which Parliament is giving too much away to have any left to waste. We hope that the legend of " Tempus Fugit" will be conspicuously printed up in the new House of Commons. First Juvenile (in cab). "WELL, CHARLEY, HAVE YOU HAD IT OUT WITH THE OLD BOY?" Second Juvenile. "YA-AS; AND-AW-WHAT DO YOU THINK THE UNDUTIFUL OLD GOVERNOR SA-AYS?" Second Juvenile. "WHY, HE SA-AYS I MUST DO SOMETHING TO GET MY OWN LIVING!" THE LIVERY OF PARLIAMENT. WE are not great admirers of the hat-band, shoulder-knot, and plush, when worn by footmen; and certainly not when donned by Members of Parliament-for some wear a livery, only, as Ophelia says, "with a difference." We repeat it; we do not think that even a JEAMES should be taken by the aristocracy-whether of gules or bullion-and fantastically drest, even as a little girl dresses her doll, in yellow, red, pink, purple, like a human tulip; nevertheless, it will take some time, no doubt, ere human vanity consents to have its servants out of livery. But surely, with the Reform Bill, we ought no longer to have Members of Parliament drest like lacqueys. The last victim is the Honourable Footman for West Sussex, RICHARD PRIME, Esq; in more holiday phrase, the nominee of the DUKE OF RICHMOND. What said the honest "MR. A. H. Cox, of Brighton?" Why, he "protested against the farce being called an election for West Sussex. For," he continued "There was the DUKE OF RICHMOND and the DUKE OF NORFOLK, and two or three more, who, if they liked, could choose their own footmen as their representatives (cheers and counter cheers). The electors on this occasion had not the slightest power of preventing the election of MR. PRIME ['True']. ** Ile repeated it was slavery to the tenants, and he defied any one to say that the DUKE OF RICHMOND's tenants dare vote against the Duke's nominee (MR. RUSBRIDGER). [Duke's agent, It is false; cries of True, true.']" Most true; and upon this truth, RICHARD PRIME, ESQ. was elected Member for West Sussex; that is, he put on the Duke's livery. Yes; Truth, with her clear starlight eyes, sees PRIME, upon the hustings, endue his nether self with the Richmond plush, don the coloured coat, with its motley collar and facings, and stuck all over with the RICHMOND buttons, and then PRIME putteth on the hat with the Richmond band, and he is all over covered with the Richmond livery; only with this difference-the Duke's footman wears it upon his outward man, and the Duke's Member wears the livery upon his soul. The Duke's motto is En la Rose je fleurie; which PRIME, as a member of Parliament, thus freely translates-Under the Duke I flourish! PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL. "DEAR PUNCH, "I SHOULD like to know how you came by the information respecting my domestic inconveniences, which you published in your last Number. I suspect you must have been mesmerised, and have become a clairvoyant. You allude to the unsatisfactory composition of the peas pudding which was lately served up to me with some underdone pork; but you unaccountably omit the more important fact, that for a long time I have never met with a cabinet pudding to my taste. It seems that you and I, or rather I and you, were mistaken with respect to the attempt at the Sunday-closing of the soup-kitchens at Liverpool. The truth is, that I was hoaxed by one of those correspondents, who, as I complained in the Lords, are always pestering me with their letters. I am sorry that I misled you; but still you were to blame in too readily relying on my ipse dixit. Are you not aware that you must not mind everything that I say? |