(A POLITICAL VERSION OF THE JUDGMENT OF PARIS.)

walk.

"I came to seek you," said MISS GRIFFIN, all of a glow. "Ladies,"-and she turned to her pupils suddenly huddled together, FLUKE, however, standing out from the crowd in very bold relief,-"Ladies, to your tasks. In five minutes I shall be prepared to examine the Turtle-Soup Class." "If it's real turtle, ma'am," said FLUKE, "I'm not yet in it. You know, when you examined me, I hadn't got beyond calf's-head." MISS GRIFFIN now really felt that the moment was arrived when, with a tremendous repartee, she ought relentlessly to crush that daring girl, once and for ever. MISS GRIFFIN's mind was made up-she would do it. And then, frowningly she looked above her-then below her but, somehow, the withering retort would not come: then she looked to the left, into the very middle of a bush of wormwood-then to the right, on a bed of capsicums-still, neither sharp nor bitter syllable would present itself. Deep was the vexation of MISS GRIFFIN. She felt majestic pains," (akin, no doubt, to those of JUPITER, when he would coerce rebellion, but has somewhere mislaid his thunderbolt.) And then MISS GRIFFIN smiled, and said, "Nevertheless, MISS FLUKE, you will attend the class. Go in, child. When you are able to write a letter like this,"-and MISS GRIFFIN laid her hand as reverently upon the sheet as though it had been a hundred pound Bank-note-"then, for all this care, all this indulgence, how you will bless me!"

MISS FLUKE, without condescending to award the least hope of any such future benediction on her part, just jerked a curtsey, and, like a fantailed pigeon, minced her way to the house, followed by her companions; whose sides-had MISS GRIFFIN turned to view them-were shaking with laughter in its softest sounds.

"I suppose I shall be rewarded for my trouble with that little minx -pardon the expression," cried MISS GRIFFIN, shrinking from the epithet with all the delicacy of a woman.

No doubt, madam," said we, comfortingly. "No doubt, your mission is, indeed, a trial-"

"Sir, but for consolation, for encouragement like this," and MISS GRIFFIN shook the letter-"it would destroy the marble statue of saint. But this conveys with it a real solace."

a

"The most delicious I ever looked upon," cried MR. CORKS, coming up at the word, and rubbing his hands, as we at first thought, in affectionate sympathy with the governess. "I wonder how much it weighs! You should see the turtle on its back! A disc, sir-a disc that would have covered ACHILLES. I cannot account for it"-and CORKS, suddenly intonated in his oiliest falsetto,-"but I do feel a sort of-ofsympathy-of tenderness, when I see a turtle thrown upon its back! In a moment, my imagination transports me to those waters of cerulean blue-to those shores of golden sand-to the impearled caverns of the deep-where the creature was wont to swim, and bask, and dive; and then-to see it on its back-greatness overthrown-awaiting the knife. I do feel for the creature! I always feel for it."

MISS GRIFFIN's eyes-as the Professor of Intonation ran up and down his voice-dilated with sensibility. Hurriedly she cried, "But this, and things like this-to say nothing of the turtle-are my best reward. It is, sir," and MISS GRIFFIN turned to us," it is from a dear pupil of mine, the late CAROLINE RUFFLER, now LADY MTHISTLE, of the Madras Bench. She went out in The Forlorn Hope, with goods for the

Indian market."

"For all the world, like a writing-desk"-said the figurative CORKS a writing-desk with secret drawers. To the common eye-the unthinking eye-there looks nothing: all seems plain and above-board,and then, you touch the hidden spring, the drawers are open, and discover, who shall say what yellow gold, what rustling notes? And such" said CORKS, dropping his voice like a plummet-"such is woman's heart."

pick you out some delicious little bits-what I call bits of real feeling." MISS GRIFFIN sighed, and continued. "Nevertheless, I think I can "That will do," said CORKS; "from the little toe of DIANA, we may judge the whole of the Parian statue."

Now, this is so like her," said MISS GRIFFIN, and she read, "You will naturally inquire, my dear, dear governess, what I wore at my first ball. You know that I always detested the meretricious show of jewels. A simple flower was ever my choice-a rose-bud before a ruby!"" creature. Always keeps open shop." And there nature, divine nature "-said CORKS-"is such a kind

did not wear a single gem. I appeared in my white muslin, voluminously "Therefore, as you may well imagine""-read MISS GRIFFIN-"I flounced; nevertheless, how I did blaze. For what do you think? Inside my flounces, I had sewed a hundred fire-flies, alive, and as it were who by their looks had lived forty years in the country, smothered, I burning! You can't imagine the effect and the astonishment. Women may say, with flies day and night, had never before thought of such a thing -and I am sure some of 'em, for spite-the wicked creatures!-could have eaten me for it. SIR ALEXANDER has since told me '-that is her husband," said MISS GRIFFIN, so very solemnly, that we almost felt inclined to touch our heart. MISS GRIFFIN, after a pause, continued. "SIR ALEXANDER has since told me that the cheapness of my jewellery slightly touched his heart; but-being resolved to die a bachelor he would not be subdued. Nevertheless, as he confessed, those fireflies imprisoned in muslin did fash him. You will perceive that SIR ALEXANDER is from the balmier though colder side of the Tweed. Providence conferred honour upon the very flourishing town of Saltcoats, by selecting it for his birthplace. Yes, dearest governess, my taste, my economic taste, was not altogether lost. Think how prettyand how cheap! Fire-flies captive in white muslin bonds!""

"I don't know," said CORKS, "but I think there's some meaning in that."

should there be? But let us go on. The dear girl then says, 'My "None-nothing!" cried MISS GRIFFIN, with prettiest mirth; "how final triumph was, dearest governess, as you ever predicted; it was the triumph of the kitchen. SIR ALEXANDER visited the dear friends who protected me. I had heard much of his love for his native land and everything belonging to it. How often he wished to lay, at least his bones, in the kirkyard of Saltcoats, though he continued to sit upon the Bench of Madras. SIR ALEXANDER was to dine with my friends. felt that my moment was come. I asked one boon-only one; the sole direction of one cook for the coming day. Need I say it was granted? It was in that interval that I felt the strength of the principles I had imbibed in your pantry. A something in my heart assured me of conquest; and I was calm-I may say, desperately calm!" "Beautiful!" cried CORKS. "Quite Siddonian." MISS GRIFFIN smiled, and went on with LADY M'THISTLE's letter.

I

"The dinner-hour arrived. SIR ALEXANDER-it had been so settled took me down. Course after course disappeared; and SIR ALEXANDER took no more than his usual notice of them. At length a dish was placed before him. His eye gleamed-his lip quivered-he snatched off the cover. He saw his native haggis!" "What is haggis ?" asked CORKS.

at

MISS GRIFFIN waved her hand, and read-"SIR ALEXANDER looked the hostess; and she-dear soul-instantly said, and very audibly"The cook, SIR ALEXANDER, sits beside you!' He smiled; but-I since know his character-his judicial prudence rose within him. He would not commit himself! he would first taste the haggis. He ateand ate-and ate-and his face grew red and bright; and as he ate, I could see it, Scotland rose before him. He saw his blue hills-he heard the rushing streams-his foot was upon the heather! A tear-a patriot tear-trickled from his right eye. I could have kissed it from his cheek! The guests saw, but respected his emotion, and were silent. For twenty years had they beheld him on the Bench, in the most tremendous moments, and yet had they never seen the strong man wecp before! And now he dropped a tear upon his native dish-and I had unlocked that tear, and made it trickle from its sacred source! Why should I further describe? In three days-SIR ALEXANDER having first with his own eyes supervised my preparation of a second haggis'Your affectionate Pupil,

"CAROLINE M'THISTLE.' "P. S. I send you a turtle. Love to all the girls."" "Beautiful!" repeated CORKS.

Very beautiful-I may say, too beautiful," cried MISS GRIFFIN; who then twitched out her pocket-handkerchief, and made for the house. "Very odd, sir," we observed, 'very odd that a man should be

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caught in matrimony by a haggis. If cookery's to do it, the chains of HYMEN may be forged out of black puddings."

"I can't say, sir," replied CORKS, "but one thing is, I think, plainthat to catch and keep a man's heart, it may now and then be necessary to tickle his stomach."

MR. JOHN BULL AND HIS DIFFICULTIES.

HE pressure in the pecuniary affairs of that highly respectable individual, MR. JOHN BULL, which has occasioned a temporary irregularity in some of his engagements, forced him to appear before MR. COMMISSIONER PUNCH, for examination on the subject of his liabilities, and as to the causes which led to his having incurred them.

MR. JOHN BULL expressed his readiness to afford the honourable Commissioner every information, and the following dialogue ensued between them :

Mr. Commissioner Punch. Well, sir, I regret to find so respectable an individual in such a degraded position. You have always been considered prudent, industrious, and wealthy; but here I find you in a state of temporary insolvency, putting people off when they ask you for their just debts, and complaining of tightness. I shall be happy to hear what you have to say in explanation of the state of things to which I have alluded.

Mr. John Bull. I regret, sir, to say, that though my industry has not relaxed, I fear my prudence has been for a time forgotten. You have, perhaps, heard of the Railway Mania?

Mr. Commissioner Punch. I have, indeed; and I fear you have been involved in it. I find in the schedule now before me that you have already paid some millions for this fancy, and, what is still worse, you have undertaken to pay some millions more on account of it. How do you propose doing so?

Mr. John Bull. To say the truth, sir, I fear I must rely on that buoyancy, or elasticity, or whatever else it is called, in my resources which some people give me credit for.

Mr. Commissioner Punch. Those people are not your friends, MR. BULL. As to buoyancy, sir, a bladder is buoyant, but if you put too much weight upon it, it will burst; and my braces are elastic, sir, but if I pull them up too tightly, they will break. But, sir, I fear the Railway Mania is not the only extravagance in which you have been engaged. I suspect, sir, you have been spending the profits of your speculations before you realised them. What is this, for instance, that I see about your supporting two Italian Operas? Was not one enough for you?

Mr. John Bull. That observation is very fair, sir; but you must remember, that though I have doubled my Italian Opera expenditure, I have cut off my British Drama altogether.

Mr. Commissioner Punch. Pooh, pooh, sir! This is unworthy your high character. You know that for some years your British Drama expenditure has been merely nominal. I am afraid that you resort to this subterfuge in the hope of concealing some piece of flagrant folly that you have been guilty of. Come, be candid with me, and tell me the truth. I think I have heard something about Ireland.

Mr. John Bull. Ah! there it is, sir. I have got a very troublesome sister, who leads me a terrible life, and is a constant drain upon my resources. But, sir, what am I to do? The poor thing is very badly off, and I can't leave her to starve, which she must have done this year, if I had not nearly ruined myself by helping her.

Mr. Commissioner Punch. Very true, very true; but can't your sister manage to earn her own living as you have done? Perhaps she is delicate, and can't work.

Mr. John Bull, Delicate! Oh dear no, sir, it's not that. Delicate, indeed! Why, she has as good an appetite as mine; and as to delicacy, if you knew how she could abuse me, you wouldn't suspect her of over delicacy. Why, sir, she will have it that nearly all I've got comes from robbing her, when, if you'll believe me, I was never a shilling the better, but many pounds worse, for the relationship.

Mr. Commissioner Punch. I am sorry to hear of these family bickerings between those who ought to live together in harmony.

Mr. John Bull. Very true, indeed, sir; but it's no fault of mine. The fact is, my sister has been very badly advised, and I think if it had not been for that, we should never have quarrelled. It's true I've been a little harsh to her at times, but upon my word, sir, she's been very provoking.

Mr. Commissioner Punch. Has she no friends but you? Can't she get any one to employ her?

Mr. John Bull. Some have tried it, but she is so very violent that nobody will have anything to do with her. She's driven some of her best friends away from her, while she has denied herself very often of her last farthing, to put it in the pocket of some great bragging bully of a fellow, named REPEAL, who is always advising her to cut with me, though I am continually contributing much more than I can spare for her subsistence.

Mr. Commissioner Punch. I perceive by your schedule that your outlay under this head has been very large this year. Your generosity would have acted unworthily if you had done otherwise. It is rather has outrun your prudence. I cannot blame you for it, and indeed you hard upon you; but you must make up for the deficiency by extra exertion and economy; but not that sort of economy which does more harm than good, by setting an example of meanness which limits the receipts of every one just as much as it limits their outlay. True economy, sir, consists, as I need not tell you, in avoiding mere waste, but not in a wholesale retrenchment, which cramps everybody with whom you have dealings. I hope, after your recent outbreak of extravagance, you will not go to the other extreme, and sink into stinginess. That is the only danger I apprehend. Good morning, sir. You may have your protection, and I make no doubt you will ultimately retrieve your circumstances.

MR. JOHN BULL, having thanked the Commissioner for his kind and valuable advice, withdrew amidst a long-continued interchange of obeisances.

WHAT'S UP NOW?

THE following is extracted from our old friend, the Court Circular:— "On Tuesday the Astronomer Royal and Mr. AIRY had an interview with the RIGHT HON. E. STRUTT, at the offices of the Commissioners of Railways."

IT would really seem, from the above, as if the long-contemplated atmospheric railway to the Moon was to be put at last into execution, and that the Astronomer Royal and Mr. AIRY were being consulted about the elevations, and what cuttings would be necessary to get through have one advantage, which could not fail to recommend it above all the mountains in the lunar districts. The proposed Railway would others, and that would be its superior facilities in promoting accidents. In that respect it would leave all its mundane rivals far behind it, including the talented North-Western. We expect that Charles's Wain, sation for infringement of vested interests, for it has hitherto had all if the new Railway crosses its path, will be putting in a claim for compenthe travelling on the celestial highway exclusively to itself, and will not naturally like being driven off the road. MR. GREEN will be appointed, as a matter of course, Surveyor-General of the new line.

ATROCIOUS.

Your

DURING HER MAJESTY's recent visit to Cambridge, one great drawback was the paucity of ice-creams at the festivities. A learned dignitary, whose name we will not divulge, was guilty of pouring into the royal ear the offensive pun for which we request the reader to prepare his nerves, or we will not answer for the consequence. Majesty," remarked the learned culprit, "we can only boast of the Cam, but Oxford has the good fortune to possess the Isis (Ices)." We have heard that the perpetrator of this enormity was at once placed in custody; but has since been released, after having been bound over to keep the peace towards the Queen's English for a quarter of a century.

Cruel Sport.

subjected at elections. A NEW style of torture has lately sprung up, to which members are They evidently feel a deal of pain when labouring under the attack, and are sometimes totally deprived of speech; at others, they go abruptly from side to side, and stammer and stutter, and at last cry out-"We will not be fettered with pledges." old one, which was very popular in the "good old times," when it was This torture of the fetter might appropriately assume the name of an thought nothing to put a member to the torture by exposing him to La Question. The rack, in this instance, is the hustings; and we hope that electors, when they get any obstinate member upon it, will

not torture him too much.

MAKING A CLEAN BREAST OF IT.

DON FRANCISCO, the QUEEN OF SPAIN'S uncle, has been ordered to travel to "the baths;" and for this political reason; he has behaved so very dirtily to her Majesty, that she thinks it only proper that he should go and wash himself.

I WISH I had had time to finish it; England will never know what High Art really is till it has seen Punch's own historical picture, thirty five feet by ten, painted by the aid of a ladder.

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Punch's subject is Gascoigne committing Prince Henry for gross contempt of Court. The work unites all styles and schools. It is as full of action as ARMITAGE, as full of costume as CORBOULD, as full of MICHAEL ANGELO-drawing as WATTS. This is the true principle of regeneration for modern Art. How can a picture fail to be good when it is made up of scraps from everything that is best? If the whole is equal to its parts, a number of good parts must make a good whole. My Chief Justice is a great deal larger than life, taking the proportions of the rest. This is to give him dignity. My Prince, you see, is squaring, in a sort of half-sportive, half-sporting defiance of the Court and his officers. He has just administered his one, two," to the Chief Justice, and is thrown back on his guard. BENJAMIN CAUNT, ESQ., stood for the figure. The costume, I flatter myself, is correct. The dress was furnished by Titchborne-Street NATHAN, and cost £50! My Ushers I have painted naked, and very muscular. This is necessary to the ideal treatment, and redeems the literalness of the costume of my principal figure. ETTY has gone on the same principle in his Joan of Arc, where we have soldiers of the fifteenth century dressed like savages of the South Seas, in waistcloths, et præterea nihil. I flatter myself there are few finer backs than that of my head Usher. You will see something like it in the Cartoon of PISA. We don't grow such backs now-a-days.

Altogether, let the young artist study this picture. It is my artistic theory exhibited in practice. PRINCE ALBERT can hardly be persuaded to quit my atélier. MR. ROGERS disputes with Toby the honour of cleaning my palette and preparing my colours. The Commissioners of the Fine Arts are buzzing round me and bidding against each other as I write this description. But they shan't have it. It shall be presented to the Nation, when the new National Gallery is built. My pen and pallette, in a gold framework, shall be copied below the picture. Punch is not ungrateful.

THE ST. STEPHEN'S BILLS OF MORTALITY.

WE regret to state that the week's returns exhibit an awful mortality among the infant Bills. An increase in the number of these deaths is always to be expected about this time, but this year the advance in the rate of premature dissolutions is appalling. Much of this is to be attributed to the extreme carelessness of parents, as well as to the constitutional weakness of the Bills themselves, and the overcrowding to which they are exposed. There is, in fact, no part of Westminster which stands so much in need of stringent sanatory regulations as St. Stephen's. The system of its legislative offspring will never be healthy until both Houses are thoroughly drained of the noxious stuff that is allowed to accumulate there during the session, nor, indeed, until they have undergone general purification and enlightenment. The state of the Committee Rooms especially disgraceful to those to whom the comfort of "the working classes" is intrusted.

HOW TO BE HOSPITABLE.

IT seems that the members of Trinity College, Cambridge, were debarred, during the Installation, from entering their own rooms. When they applied for admission they were very civilly told that their rooms were occupied by some illustrious Master of Arts, or a German Bachelor, and that they must look out for lodgings elsewhere. This cheap munificence of the Dons certainly entitles the Installation to be called the most splendid turn-out that has ever been celebrated at Cambridge. An Undergraduate writes to inform us that he attempted, at twelve o'clock, to enter his apartment, with a party of young friends whom he had asked to supper, and that he found it occupied by a Bishop and two or three heads of the University, whom he had no recollection of inviting to pass the night with him. He declares he was never so put out in all his life, and that he certainly should have argued the matter, in a quiet gentlemanly style, with the venerable Bishop, only he recollected there was a heavy penalty if any Undergraduate attempted to walk over "the lawn" at Trinity.

COMMERCIAL INTELLIGENCE.

SUCH has been the glut of grain imported at Lyons and Marseilles, that there is no room to stow it away, and it has been placed in the most richly-furnished apartments of those cities. Sacks of corn have been turned into cushions for ottomans, and are being used as tempoheight they had reached during the recent monopoly.