BALLAD FOR THE CAMBRIDGE ELECTION. "I authorized my Committee to take the step which they did, of proposing a fair comparison of strength, upon the understanding that whichever of the two should prove to be the weakest, should give way to the other."- Extract from Mr. W. J. B-kes's Letter to Mr. G-lb-n. B-KES is weak, and G-lb-n too, No one e'er the fact denied ;Which is "weakest" of the two, Cambridge can alone decide. Choose between them, Cambridge, pray, Which is weakest, Cambridge, say. G-lb-n of the Pope afraid is, B-kes, as much afraid as he; Never yet did two old ladies On this point so well agree. Choose between them, Cambridge, pray, Which is weakest, Cambridge, say. Each a different mode pursues, Each the same conclusion reaches; B-kes is foolish in Reviews, G-lb-n, foolish in his speeches. Choose between them, Cambridge, pray, Which is weakest, Cambridge, say. Each a different foe doth damn, When his own affairs have gone ill; B-kes he damneth Buckingham, G-lb-n damneth Dan O'Connell. Choose between them, Cambridge, pray, Which is weakest, Cambridge, say. Sixteen hundred and sixty, who only wants thaw- Well knowing how dear were those times to thy FROM HIS EXCELLENCY DON STREPITOSO DIABOLO, ENVOY EXTRAORDINARY TO HIS SATANIC MAJESTY. St. James's Street, July 1. 1826. GREAT Sir, having just had the good luck to catch An official young Demon, preparing to go, Ready booted and spurr'd, with a black-leg despatch From the Hell here, at Cr-ckf-rd's to our Hell, below I write these few lines to your Highness Satanic, To say that, first having obey'd your directions, And done all the mischief I could in "the Panic," My next special care was to help the Elections. Even some of our Reverends might have been Thanks, reverend expounder of raptures Elysian,s Excuse me, Great Sir- there's no time to be There's Faber, whose pious productions have been All belied, ere his book's first edition was out; civil ; There was Counsellor Dobbs, too, an Irish M. P., There was also but why should I burden my lay With your Brotherses, Southcotes, and names less deserving, When all past Millenniums henceforth must give way To the last new Millennium of Orator Irv-ng. A MILLENNIUM at hand! I'm delighted to hear Go on, mighty man, -doom them all to the shelf, it As matters, both public and private, now go, Only think, Master Fred, what delight to behold, A bran-new Jerusalem, built all of gold, Sound bullion throughout, from the roof to the flags A City, where wine and cheap corn 2 shall abound- As your 1 This reverend gentleman distinguished himself at the Reading election. And when next thou with Prophecy troublest thy sconce, Oh forget not, I pray thee, to prove that thyself once. THE THREE DOCTORS. Doctoribus lætamur tribus. 1826. THOUGH many great Doctors there be, Doctor S-th-y, and dear Doctor Slop." with Revelation, the Prince is said to have replied, that "he was not aware he had ever had the honour of being known 2 "A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of to St. John." barley for a penny."- Rev. vi. 3 See the oration of this reverend gentleman, where he describes the connubial joys of Paradise, and paints the angels hovering round "each happy fair." 4 When Whiston presented to Prince Eugene the Essay in which he attempted to connect his victories over the Turks 5 Mr. Dobbs was a member of the Irish Parliament, and, on all other subjects but the Millennium, a very sensible person he chose Armagh as the scene of his Millennium, on account of the name Armageddon, mentioned in Revelation." 6 The editor of the Morning Herald, so nick-named. The purger-the proser-the bard- Doctor Slop, in no merit outdone By his scribbling or physicking brother, Can dose us with stuff like the one, Ay, and doze us with stuff like the other. Doctor Eady good company keeps With "No Popery" scribes on the walls; Doctor S-th-y as gloriously sleeps With "No Popery" scribes, on the stalls. Doctor Slop, upon subjects divine, Such bedlamite slaver lets drop, That, if Eady should take the mad line, He'll be sure of a patient in Slop. Seven millions of Papists, no less, Doctor S-th-y attacks, like a Turk; 2 Doctor Eady, less bold, I confess, Doctor S-th-y, for his grand attack, Has been had up to Bow-street, for his! And truly, the law does so blunder, That, though little blood has been spilt, he May probably suffer as, under The Chalking Act, known to be guilty. So much for the merits sublime (With whose catalogue ne'er should I stop) Of the three greatest lights of our time, Doctor Eady, and S-th-y, and Slop! Should you ask me, to which of the three Great Doctors the preference should fall, As a matter of course, I agree Doctor Eady must go to the wall. But as S-th-y with laurels is crown'd, With a swingeing "Corona Muralis !" 4 Alluding to the display of this doctor's name, in chalk, on all the walls round the metropolis. 2 This seraphic doctor, in the preface to his last work (Vindicia Ecclesiæ Anglicana), is pleased to anathematize not only all Catholics, but all advocates of Catholics: "They have for their immediate allies (he says) every faction that is banded against the State, every demagogue, every irreligious and seditious journalist, every open and every insidious enemy to Monarchy and to Christianity." 3 See the late accounts in the newspapers of the appearance of this gentleman at one of the Police-offices, in consequence of an alleged assault on his "maid-of-all-work." 4 A crown granted as a reward among the Romans to persons who performed any extraordinary exploits upon was such as scaling them, battering them, &c. — No doubt, writing upon them, to the extent Dr. Eady does, would equally esta bish a claim to the honour. 5 So described by a Reverend Historian of the Church :"A Delta hat, like the horizontal section of a pyramid.". GRANT'S History of the English Church. That brim of brims, so sleekly good Not flapp'd, like dull Wesleyans', down, But looking (as all churchmen's should) Devoutly upward-towards the crown. Gods! when I gaze upon that brim, So redolent of Church all over, What swarms of Tithes, in vision dim,Some pig-tail'd, some like cherubim, With ducklings' wings-around it hover! Tenths of all dead and living things, That Nature into being brings, From calves and corn to chitterlings. Say, holy Hat, that hast, of cocks, For hats grow like the heads that wear 'em; And hats, on heads like his, would grow Particularly harum-scarum. Who knows but thou may'st deck the pate Or, haply, smartest of triangles, Thou art the hat of Doctor Ow-n; The' example of his reverend brothers, To prove that priests all fleece their flocks, And he must fleece as well as others. Blest Hat! (whoe'er thy lord may be) Thy sleek possessor to a mitre ! NEWS FOR COUNTRY COUSINS. 1826. DEAR Coz, as I know neither you nor Miss Draper, As to Greece and Lord Cochrane, things couldn't look better His Lordship (who promises now to fight faster) Has just taken Rhodes, and despatch'd off a letter To Daniel O'Connell, to make him Grand Master; Engaging to change the old name, if he can, From the Knights of St. John to the Knights of St. Dan ; Or, if Dan should prefer (as a still better whim) Being made the Colossus, 'tis all one to him. From Russia the last accounts are that the CzarMost generous and kind, as all sovereigns are, And whose first princely act (as you know, I suppose) Was to give away all his late brother's old clothes- -2 Is now busy collecting, with brotherly care, The late Emperor's nightcaps, and thinks of bestowing One nightcap apiece (if he has them to spare) On all the distinguish'd old ladies now going. (While I write, an arrival from Riga-the "Brothers" Having nightcaps on board for Lord Eld—n and others.) Last advices from India-Sir Archy, 'tis thought, Was near catching a Tartar (the first ever caught In N. Lat. 21.)—and his Highness Burmese, Being very hard press'd to shell out the rupees, And not having rhino sufficient, they say, meant, To pawn his august Golden Foot 3 for the payment. (How lucky for monarchs, that thus, when they choose, Can establish a running account with the Jews!) 1 Archbishop Magee affectionately calls the Church Establishment of Ireland "the little Zion." 2 A distribution was made of the Emperor Alexander's military wardrobe by his successor. 3 This potentate styles himself the Monarch of the Golden Foot. |