"I'LL tell you what it is," said the President of the Social Glassites, at the same time mixing a fresh tumbler of grog, rather stiffer than the last, for the subject of Temperance and Tea-totalism had turned up, and he could not discuss it with dry lips," I'll tell you what it is: Temperance is all very well, provided it's indulged in with moderation, and without injury to your health or business; but when it sets a man spouting, and swaggering, and flag-carrying, and tea-gardening, and dressing himself up like a play-actor, why he might as well have his mind unsobered with anything else." "That's very true," said the Vice-President,· with a remarkably red nose. a gentleman "I have seen many Teatotal Processions," continued the President, "and I don't hesitate to say, that every man and woman amongst them was more or less intoxicated "Eh, what?" asked a member, hastily removing his cigar. "Yes, intoxicated, I say, with pride and vanity - what with the bands of music, and the banners, and the ribbons, and maybe one of their top-sawyers, with his white wand, swaggering along at their head, and looking quite convinced that because he has n't made a Beast of himself he must be a Beauty. Instead of which, to my mind, there can't be a more pitiful sight than a great hulking fellow all covered with medals and orders, like a Lord Nelson, for only taking care of his own precious health, and trying to live long in the land; and particularly if he's got a short neck and a full habit. Why the Royal Humane Society might just as well make a procession of the people who don't drink water to excess, instead of those objects that do, and with ribbons and medals round their necks, for being their own life-preservers!" "That's very true," said the Vice. "I've seen a Master Grand of a Teatotaller with as many ornaments about him as a foreign prince!' 66 Why I once stopped my own grog," continued the President, "for twelve months together, of my own accord, because I was a little wheezy; and yet never stuck even a snip of ribbon at my buttonhole. But that's modest merit, whereas a regular Temperance fellow would have put on a broad blue sash, as if he was a Knight of the Bath, and had drunk the bath all up instead of swimming in it.” "That's very true," repeated the Vice. "Temperance is, no doubt, a virtue," said the President; "but is not the only one; though, to judge by some of their Tracts and Speeches, you would think that because a Totaller drinks Adam's ale he is as innocent as our first Parents in Paradise, which, begging their pardons, is altogether an error, and no mistake. Sin and strong drink are not born relations; though they often come together. The first murderer in the world was a water-drinker, and when he killed his poor brother, was as sober as a judge." "If that arn't true," exclaimed the red-nosed Vice, "I'll be pounded!" "be "It was intemperance, however," said the President; cause why? it was indulging in ardent passions and fermented feelings, agin which, in my humble opinion, we ought to take Long and Short Pledges, as much as agin spirituous liquors. Not to mention the strong things that come out of people's mouths, and are quite as deleterious as any that go into them for example, profane swearing, and lying, and slandering, and foul language, and which, not to name names, are dealt in by parties who would not even look at Fine Old Pineapple Rum, or Cream of the Valley." "That's correct, anyhow," said the Vice; and he replenished his tumbler. "To be sure, Temperance has done wonders in Ireland," continued the President, "and to my mind, little short of a miracle-namely, repealing the Old Union of Whiskey-andWater, and which would have seemed a much tougher job than O'Connell's. However, Father Matthew has accomplished it, and instead of a Parliament in College Green we are likely to see a far stranger sight, and that's a whole County of Cork without a bottle to it." "Humph!" ejaculated the Vice, and took a liberal draught of his mixture. "But they'll take to party spirit in loo." "Like enough," said the President; "for when once we get accustomed to strong stimuluses, we find it hard to go without 'em ; and they do say, that many of those parties who have left off liquors, have taken to opium. But the greatest danger with new converts and prostelytes, is of their rushing into another extreme- and that reminds me of a story to the point." -- "Now then," said the member with the cigar. "It was last September," said the President, "when I owned the Rose in June, and a sweet pretty craft she was. I had bought a lot of lines and a trawling net along with her; and besides cruising for pleasure, we used now and then to cast about for a bit of fresh fish for my missus, or by way of present to a friend. Well, one day, just below Gravesend, we had fished all the morning, but without any luck at all, except one poor little skate that lay on the deck, making faces at us like a dying Christian, first pouting out its lips, and then drawing them in again with a long suck of its breath, for all the world like a fellow-creature with a stitch in the side, or a spasm in his chest. The next haul we got nothing but lots of mud, a bit of sea-weed, a lump of coal, a rotten bung, and an old shoe. However, the third time the net felt heavy enough for a porpus, and sure enough on hauling it up to the top of the water, we saw some very large fish a-flopping about in it, quite as big as a grampus, only nothing like the species. Well, we pulled and hauled, Jack and I-(you remember Jack) — till we got the creature aboard over the bulwarks, and there it rolled on the deck, such a Sea Monster as never was seen afore nor since. It was full six feet long, with a round head like a man's, but bald, — though it had a beard and whiskers of sandy-colored hair. We could not see the face, by reason of the creature always hiding it with its paws, which were like a man's hands, only with a sort of web between the fingers. All the upper part of the body was of a flesh or salmon color down to the middle, where the skin became first bluer, and then greener and greener, as well as more rough and scaly, till the body forked off into two distinct fish's tails. "I'll tell you what, master,' says Jack Rogers, after taking a good look at the monster, and poking it about a bit with a handspike, 'I'm blest if it is n't a Cock Mermaid !'' "No doubt of it," said the Vice. "To tell the truth," said the President, "I had the same thought in my head, but was afraid to name it, because such animals have been reckoned fabulous. However, there it was on the deck, as large as life, and a certain fortune to the owner, as an article for exhibition; and I won't deny that I began in my own mind a rough guess at the sum total of all the inhabitants of England, Scotland, Ireland, and Wales, at a shilling a head. Jack, too, seemed in a brown study, maybe settling what share, in right and justice, he ought to have of the profits, or perhaps wondering, and puzzled to make head or tail of the question, whether the creature was properly a beast or a fish. As for myself, I felt a little flustered, as you may suppose, not only by the strangeness of the phenomenon, but at the prospect of such a prodigious fortune. In point of fact, I was all in a tremor, like a steam-vessel with highpressure engines, and accordingly sent Jack down below for my brandy-bottle out of the locker, just to steady my nerves. 'Here's to us both,' says I, nodding and winking at Jack, 'and to the Cock Mermaid into the bargain; for unless I'm mistaken, it'll prove a gold-fish in the end.' I was rather premature for the noise of pulling out the cork made the creature look round, which was the first time we had caught a fair look at its face. When lo and behold! Jack no sooner clapped his eyes on the features, than he sings out again : "I'm blest,' says he for I did n't allow swearing— 'I'm blest if it is n't Bob Bunce!' "Well, the Merman gave a nod, as much as to say, 'You're right, I'm him;' and then scrambling up into a sitting posture, with his back agin the companion, made a sign to me for the bottle. So I handed him the flask, which he took a sup of through the net; but the liquor went against his fishified nature, and pulling a very wry face, he spirted it all out again, and gave me back the bottle. To my mind that settled the matter about his being a rational creature. It was moral impossible, though he might have an outside resemblance, like the apes and monkeys, to the human species. But I was premature again; for, after rolling about a bit, he took me all aback with an odd sort of a voice coming out of his mouth, which was as round as the hole of a flute. "Here,' says he, 'lend us a hand to get out of the net.' "It's Bob Bunce, sure enough,' cries Jack; 'that's his voice, I'll take my davit, howsomever he 's got transmogrified.' "And with that he stooped down and helped the creature, whatever it was, out of the net, and then popped him up on his two tails against the mast. "And now,' says he, if you're a Cock Mermaid, as master thinks, you may hold your tongue; but if so be you're Bob Bunce, as I suspects,' (and if Jack always used the solemn tone he did at that minute he'd make a first-rate popular preacher), 'why then don't renounce your godfathers and godmothers in your baptism, and your Christian religion, but say so at once like a man.' 6 "I ham Bob Bunce, then,' said the creature, with a very strong emphasis, or rayther I were,' and along with the last word two great tears as big as swanshot sprang out of his pale blue eyes, and rolled down his flabby cheeks. 'Yes, I were Bob Bunce, and known by sight to every man, woman, and child in Deptford.' |