SAM WELLER'S ACCOUNT OF AN ELECTION.—DICkens.

Mr. PICKWICK; SAM WELLER.

Scene: Mr. PICKWICK'S Chamber.-Mr. PICKWICK at his toilet. Enter SAM.

Mr. Pickwick. Well, Sam, all alive to-day, I suppose? Sam. Reg'lar game, sir; our people's a col-lectin' down at the Town Arms, and they're a hollerin' themselves hoarse already. Mr. P.

Ah, do they seem devoted to their party, Sam? Sam. Never see such dewotion in my life, sir.

Sam. Uncommon. I never see men eat and drink so much afore. I wonder they ain't afeerd o' bustin'.

Mr. P. That's the mistaken kindness of the gentry here. Sam. Wery likely.

Mr. P. (Looking out of the window.) Fine, fresh, hearty fellows they seem.

Sam. Wery fresh; me and the two waiters at the Peacock has been a pumpin' over the independent woters as supped there last night.

Mr. P. Pumping over independent voters!

Sam. Yes; every man slept vere he fell down; we dragged 'em out, one by one, this mornin', and put 'em under the pump, and they're in reg'lar fine order now. Shillin' a head the com

mittee paid for that 'ere job.

Mr. P. Can such things be!

Sam. Lord bless your heart, sir, why, where was you half baptized? That's nothin', that ain't.

Mr. P. Nothing?

Sam.

Nothin' at all, sir. The night afore the last day o' the last election here, the opposite party bribed the bar-maid at the Town Arms to hocus the brandy and water of fourteen unpolled electors as was a stoppin' in the house.

Mr. P. What do you mean by "hocussing" brandy and water?

Sum. Puttin' laud'num in it. Blessed if she didn't send 'em all to sleep till twelve hours arter the election was over. They took one man up to the booth, in a truck, fast asleep, by way of experiment; but it was no go-they wouldn't poll him; so they brought him back, and put him to bed again.

Mr. P. (Musingly.) Strange practices these.

Sam. Not half so strange as a miraculous circumstance as happened to my own father, at an election time, in this wery place, sir.

Mr. P. What was that?

Sam. Why, he drove a coach down here once. 'Lection time came on, and he was engaged by vun party to bring down woters from London. Night afore he was a going to drive up, committee on t'other side sends for him quietly, and away he goes vith the messenger, who shows him in; large room— -lots of gen'l'm'n-heaps of papers, pens, and ink, and all that 'ere. "Ah, Mr. Weller," says the gen'l'm'n in the chair, “glad to see you, sir; how are you?" "Wery well, thank'ee, sir," says my father; "I hope you're pretty middlin'," says he. "Pretty well, thank’ee, sir," says the gen'l'm'n; "sit down, Mr. Weller— pray sit down, sir." So my father sits down, and he and the gen'l'm'n looks wery hard at each other. "You don't remember me?" says the gen'l'm'n. "Can't say I do," says my father. "O, I know you," says the gen'l'm'n; "knowed you wen you was a boy," says he. "Well, I don't remember you," says my father. "That's wery odd," says the gen'l'm'n. "Wery," says my father. "You must have a bad mem'ry, Mr. Weller," says the gen'l'm'n. "Well, it is a wery bad 'un," says my father. "I thought so," says the gen'l'm'n. So then they pours him out a glass of wine, and gammons him about his driving, and gets him into a reg'lar good humor, and at last shoves a twenty pound note in his hand. "It's a wery bad road between this and London," says the gen'l'm'n. "Here and there it is a heavy road," says my father. "Specially near the canal, I think," says the gen'l'm'n. "Nasty bit, that 'ere," says my father. Well, Mr. Weller," says the gen'l'm'n, "you're a wery good whip, and can do what you like with your

horses, we know. We're all wery fond o' you, Mr. Weller; so in case you should have an accident when you're a bringin' these here woters down, and should tip 'em over into the canal without hurtin' of 'em, this is for yourself," says he. "Gen'l'm'n, you're wery kind," says my father, "and I'll drink your health in another glass of wine," says he; wich he did, and then buttons up the money, and bows himself out. You wouldn't believe, sir (looking saucily at Mr. PICKWICK), that on the wery day as he came down with them woters, his coach was upset on that 'ere wery spot, and ev'ry man on 'em was turned into the canal.

Mr. P. (Quickly.) And got out again?

Sam. (Very slowly.) Why, I rather think one old gen'l'm'n was missin'; I know his hat was found, but I ain't quite certain whether his head was in it or not. But what I look at is the hex-traordinary and wonderful coincidence, that arter what that gen'l'm'n said, my father's coach should be upset in that wery place, and on that wery day!

Mr. P. It is no doubt a very extraordinary circumstance indeed. But brush my hat, Sam, for I hear Mr. Winkle calling me to breakfast.

SAM WELLER AS A WITNESS.-DICKENS.

Mr. JUSTICE STARELEIGH; SERGEANT BUZFUZ; SAM WELLER.

Scene: A Court Room.

Buzfuz. Call Samuel Weller.

(SAM steps forward, takes his place on the witness stand, places his hat on the floor, and coolly surveys the court.)

Judge. What's your name, sir?

Sam. Sam Weller, my lord.

Judge. Do you spell it with a V or a W?

Sam. That depends upon the taste and fancy of the speller,

my lord. I never had occasion to spell it more than once or twice in my life-but I spells it with a "V."

Voice from distant part of the room. Quite right, too, Samivel-quite right. Put it down a we, my lord-put it down a

we.

Judge. (Looking up.) Who is that, who dares to address the court?(To SAM.) Do you know who that was, sir? Sam. I rayther suspect it was my father, my lord. Judge. Do you see him here now?

Sam. (Looking up to the ceiling.)

No, I don't, my lord.

Judge. If you could have pointed him out, I would have committed him instantly.

(SAM bows, and turns to BUZFUZ.)

Buz. Now, Mr. Weller.

Sam. Now, sir.

Buz. I believe you are in the service of Mr. Pickwick, the defendant in this case. Speak up, if you please, Mr. Weller. Sam. I mean to speak up, sir. I am in the service o' that 'ere gen'l'm'n, and a wery good service it is.

Buz. Little to do, and plenty to get, I suppose?

Sam. O, quite enough to get, sir, as the soldier said, ven they ordered him three hundred and fifty lashes.

Judge. You must not tell us what the soldier, or any other man, said, sir-it's not evidence.

Sam. Wery good, my lord.

Buz. Do you recollect anything particular happening on the morning when you were first engaged by the defendant-eh, Mr. Weller?

Sam. Yes, I do, sir.

Buz. Have the goodness to tell the court what it was.

Sam. I had a reg'lar new fit-out o' clothes that mornin', and that was a wery partickler and uncommon circumstance vith me in those days.

Judge. (Angrily.) You had better be careful, sir.

Sam. So Mr. Pickwick said at the time, my lord; and I was wery careful o' that 'ere suit o' clothes-wery careful indeed, lord.

my

(JUDGE looks sternly at SAM, and motions BUZFUZ to go on.) Buz. Do you mean to tell me, Mr. Weller, that you saw

nothing of this fainting on the part of the plaintiff in the arms of the defendant, which you have heard described by the witnesses? Sam.

Certainly not. I was in the passage till they called me up, and then the old lady was not there.

Buz. Now attend, Mr. Weller. You were in the passage, and yet saw nothing of what was going forward. Have you a pair of eyes, Mr. Weller?

Sam. Yes, I have a pair of eyes-and that's just it. If they wos a pair o' patent double million magnifyin' gas microscopes of hextra power, p'raps I might be able to see through a flight o' stairs and a deal door; but bein' only eyes, you see, my wision's limited.

(JUDGE smiles, BUZFUZ looks vexed, turns and consults his notes, and continues.)

Buz. Now, Mr. Weller, I'll ask you a question on another point, if you please.

Sam. If you please, sir.

Buz. Do you remember going up to Mrs. Bardell's house one night in November last?

Sam. O, yes-wery well.

Buz. O, you do remember that, Mr. Weller. I thought we should get at something at last.

Sam. I rayther thought that, too, sir.

Buz. Well, I suppose you went up to have a little talk about this trial-eh, Mr. Weller?

Sum. I went up to pay the rent; but we did get a talkin' about the trial.

Buz. O, you did get a talking about the trial. Now, what passed about the trial? Will you have the goodness to tell us, Mr. Weller?

Sam. Vith all the pleasure in life, sir. Arter a few unimportant obserwations from the two wirtuous females as has been examined here to-day, the ladies gets into a wery great state o' admiration at the honorable conduct of Mr. Dodson and Fogg— them two gen'l'm'n as is settin' near you now.

Buz. The attorneys for the plaintiff. Well, they spoke in