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He sbills mine glass off lager bier,
Poots schnuff indo mine kraut.
Dot vas der roughest chouse;
But leedle Yawcob Strauss.
He dakes der milk-ban for a dhrum,
Und cuts mine cane in dwo,
Mine cracious, dot vas drue!
He kicks oup sooch a touse:
Like dot young Yawcob Strauss.
He asks me questions sooch as dese:
Who baints mine nose so red?
Vrom der hair ubon mine hed?
Vene'er der glim I douse.
To dot schmall Yawcob Strauss ?
I somedimes dink I schall go vild
Mit sooch a grazy poy,
Und beaceful dimes enshoy;
So guiet as a mouse,
Charles Follen Adams
JONES AT THE BARBER SHOP
SCENE. — A Barber's Shop. Barber's men engaged cut
ting hair, making wigs and other barberesque operations.
Enter JONES, meeting Only the barber
Jones. I wish my hair cut. Oily. Pray, sir, take a seat. [Oily puts a chair for Jones, who sits. During the following
dialogue Oily continues cutting Jones's hair. Oily. We've had much wet, sir. Jones. Very much, indeed. Oily. And yet November's early days were fine. Jones. They were.
Oily. I hoped fair weather might have lasted us
Jones. At one time - so did I.
[A pause of some minutes.
Jones. No! in town!
Oily. Amazement! — but I now remember well.
Jones (looking at him). No- 'twas yourself.
(A long pause, interrupted only by the clipping of the scissors.
Oily. But, sir, the hair when dry Turns quickly gray.
Jones. That color I prefer.
Oily. But hair, when gray, will rapidly fall off, And baldness will ensue.
Jones. I would be bald.
Oily. Perhaps you mean to say you'd like a wig. -
[Another pause ensues, during which Oily blows down JONES's neck
veloped during the process of hair-cutting. Oily. We've brushes, soaps, and scent, of every kind. Jones. I see you have. (Pays 6d.) I think you'll find
that right. Oily. If there is nothing I can show you, sir.
Jones. No: nothing. Yet - there may be something, too, That you may show me.
Oily. Name it, sir.
(Shop-bell rings and curtain falls.
"O come and be my mate!” said the Eagle to the Hen;
“I love to soar, but then
I want my mate to rest
I have no wish to try,
O come and be my mate!” said the Lion to the Sheep;
My love for you is deep!
Could not, had I the will -
“O come and be my mate!” said the Salmon to the Clam;
“ You are not wise, but I am.
But my love is all devotion,
ocean!” They wed, and cried, " Ah, this is Love, my own!” And the Clam sucked, the Salmon swam, alone.
Charlotte Perkins (Stetson) Gilman
THE HEIGHT OF THE RIDICULOUS
I wrote some lines once on a time,
In wondrous merry mood,
They were exceeding good.
They were so queer, so very queer,
I laughed as I would die;
A sober man am I.
I called my servant, and he came;
How kind it was of him,
He of the mighty limb!
“These to the printer," I exclaimed,
And, in my humorous way,
I added (as a trifling jest),
He took the paper, and I watched,
And saw him peep within;
Was all upon the grin.
He read the next; the grin grew broad,
And shot from ear to ear;
I now began to hear.
The fourth; he broke into a roar;
The fifth; his waistband split;
And tumbled in a fit.
Ten days and nights, with sleepless eye,
I watched that wretched man, And since, I never dare to write As funny as I can.
Oliver Wendell Holmes
ADDRESS TO THE TOOTHACHE
My curse upon your venom'd stang,
Wi' gnawing vengeance;
Like racking engines !
A' down my beard the slavers trickle!
To see me loup;
Were i' their doup!
When fevers burn, or ague freezes,