CIVIC SPORTS, NO. II.

Extracted from the Journal of Simon Swandown.

The Wedding Day.

First they kiss'd,

Then shook fist,

And look'd like two fools just a-going to marry,-Old Song.

Saturday, Nov. 15, 1823.-9 A. M. Dressed myself in my new blue coat, white waistcoat, diamond shirt-pin, sea-green small clothes, and white silk stockings, not forgetting a pair of white kid gloves, to attend celebration of marriage of Betsy, third daughter of my old friend Benjamin Blueball, the pawnbroker in Fleet-street, with Richard Highdry, son of Ezekiel Highdry, the tobacconist in Long-lane, Smithfield. Waited half an hour for my wife, who had solemnly engaged to get on her things" at nine precisely. No time for breakfast; but as Blueball had promised us a magnificent one in Fleet-street, that did not much matter. To save time, walked down stairs to shop, and served Clutterbuck's clerk with two quire of foolscap and a quarter of a pound of red sealing-wax; he evidently all the while much puzzled to account for my early finery. Wife's flounces being at length adjusted, set off as gay as larks, in a hackney chariot, up from Bushlane toward place of appointment. Stopped by a coal-waggon at corner of Cannon-street, while carter was throwing down empty sacks, and bawling one, two, three, four! Wife thrust out of window her head, covered with a white beaver hat, ornamented with white ostrich feathers tipped with scarlet, and told counting man that we were in a hurry. Carter grinned, and answered, "Then you had better wait till your hurry is over!" Wife drew back in anger, observing, however, that the fellow really had not a bad set of teeth. Coalheavers and chimney-sweeps always have white teeth. Val. Verjuice says, it proceeds from the blackness of their faces; as a Drury-lane messagebearer looks a capital actor when planted among the sticks on Richmond-green. Drove through Lombard-street, and got a nod from my banker, Sir Daniel Discount, who was seated at a pulpit-desk punching holes in old checks, super-enlightened by a fat mould candle four to the pound. Wife looked up at Mansion-house windows, but could not catch a glimpse of her bran-new ladyship, or either of the honourable misses. Drove, at an easy rate, along Cheapside; feeling a serene complacency at being well dressed. Turning toward St. Paul's, when wife gave a loud scream as if she was stuck, and, with a pull at the check-string that almost brought the driver's little finger into her lap, exclaimed that she had quite forgotten a toy for little Sally Blueball. Deviated to corner of Paternoster-row, and stopped at Dunnett's toy and Tunbridge warehouse, with rocking-horses enough to stock both theatres. Paviours and passengers made an awe-struck alley to let us pass. Much deliberation before final decision. Leaden rope-dancers, tumble-down London cries, nut-cracking human heads, and wax dolls with moveable eyes, successively chosen and rejected. Wife at length pitched upon a little white dog, who, on being earnestly pressed, barked under his fore-paws. Had a private opinion that it sounded more like a cuckoo, but was too prudent to give it utterance.

10 A. M. Arrived safely in Fleet-street, Wife desiring Blueball's shopman to be particularly careful of her shawl. Ushered up stairs, and introduced in form to the assembled company. Heard my own name repeated above twenty times, and longed for Bishop to set the serenade to music: "Sir Christopher Contract, Mr. Simon Swandown; Mr. Simon Swandown, Sir Christopher Contract; Mr. Simon Swandown, Sir Samuel Suffrage; Sir Samuel Suffrage, Mr. Simon Swandown." Ditto (wicy warcy, as the man has it in "Sweethearts and Wives,") with Mr. John Blueball and Mr. Peter Blueball, brothers of our host. Ditto with Mr. Prune and Mr. Pob-joy, brother and half-brother of Mrs. Blueball, Head hardly settled, when it was set dizzy again by similar changes rung between my wife and the wives of the aforesaid. Observed three old ladies, dressed, poor creatures! in white muslin at this inclement season, seated near the fire, and staring at the hearthrug. Asked Blueball, in a whisper, who they were? was answered, in another whisper, that they were maiden aunts of Mrs. Blueball, who had come up to London on purpose; that he did not at this moment recollect their names, nor where they came from; he knew it was from some place beginning with an M. It might be Malton, or Maidstone, or Margate; no, that was not it: he was pretty sure it was either Malmsbury, Manchester, or Mauritania: at all events, it began with an M. After the storm of introduction, sea settled into a dead calm, nobody knowing what to talk about. Mrs. Blueball hereupon pulled nursery-bell, and a shower-bath of brats ensued. Wife now produced white dog, which was received by little Sally, who, in the hurry of possession, quite forgot the requisite curtsey. That homage being performed at the instigation of mamma, wife put urchin up to the barking process, and the whole house ere long echoed "cuckoo :"-odd overture to a marriage festival! Every body habited in white: could not help thinking of the Miller and his Men. Much whispering and getting into holes and corners. Walked to the window: saw an old woman cleaning Waithman's upper casements, and thought of Whittington and his Cat. Two of the little Blueballs, in their passage near the hearth-rug, unluckily pounced upon by two of the maiden aunts from the place beginning with an M. Little innocents forced to stand like stocks to have their heads smoothed down by two venerable paws. Did not see the necessity of this, their pates being previously sufficiently glossy, but said nothing, the family having, I found, expectations in that quarter. Felt a gnawing in my internals, and looked about sharp for tea and toast. Hinted my feelings to Bob Blueball, and was greeted with a horse-laugh, appended to "You'll get no water here, great Rusty Fusty. We don't breakfast till we come from church."

11 A. M.

A knock at the street-door announced the advent of the bridegroom, and brought Betsy the bride into the room, supported by Emma and Harriet, her two elder sisters. A general rising, accompanied by that sort of compassionate attention which is bestowed upon gentlemen in the press-yard while their fetters are being knocked off. Betsy's eyes red; dressed in order to look particularly well, and consequently never looked so ill. In two seconds, in stalked Richard Highdry. Ribbed white silk stockings, and breeches of the colour of

our Elizabeth's canary-bird: hair auburn, according to the Miss Blueballs; but had he come upon any errand short of courtship, I am convinced they would have dubbed it red. A hurried bow and a blush denoted the iniquity of his object. Seated himself, as in duty bound, next to his mistress upon a music-stool. Offered him a chair; but he answered, in a tone of affected indifference, "No, thank you—this will do very well!" vibrating and creaking all the while like a tin chimney cap in a high wind. Another knock, and an announcement of two dingy-looking trustees under the marriage-settlement. Blueball in high spirits, snapping his fingers, jingling his keys in his breeches pocket, and darting his physiognomy into every body's face, like one in quest of his wits. Mrs. Blueball communicated apart with one of the dingy trustees, who thereupon thus addressed the company: "It is time to go to church. Saint Bride's being such a mere step, it is settled that we go on foot." Bride now applied sal volatile to her nostrils, and groom, in my humble opinion, looked like a decided ass. Written paper produced by other dingy trustee, setting forth order of precedence, viz. Mr. Blueball and bride, Mrs. Blueball and groom, Sir Christopher Contract and Lady Suffrage, Sir Samuel Suffrage and Lady Contract, Bob Blueball and my wife, myself and Mauritanian aunt No. 1, Peter Blueball and ditto No. 2, Mr. Prune and ditto No. 3, the two dingy trustees with Emma and Harriet Blueball, and Mr. Pob-joy with the French teacher. Troops filed off, and descended to street-door. Order of march much impeded by a string of Meux's drays extending from Temple Bar to the Hand-in-Hand Fire-office. Three first couple darted between two drays, remainder left on pavement in front of door. Mauritanian aunts thus separated, to their no small terror. Forces at length congregated safely in St. Bride's church. Rank and file ranged round the altar. Audible sobs from mamma, and serious symptoms of hysterics from Emma. Bridegroom fumbled in his waistcoat pocket for ring; would gladly have given him mine, but wife would not let me. On being questioned whether he would take Betsy Blueball for his lawful wife, groom waited half a second, as if to deliberate, and at length out bolted "I will!" like a pellet from a pop-gun.

12 M. Order of return impeded at corner of Bridge-street, by Bethel Union charity-boys, in dwarf leather breeches, headed by Lord Gambier, and tailed by Mr. Wilberforce, singing a suitable hymn in duetto. Hundreds of servant-maids looking out of garret windows. Safe back at starting-post. Magnificent breakfast in the mean time set out in drawing-room. Found juniors of family busy in making up packets of bride-cake, with little bits drawn through the ring for special favourites. Wife made me cram ours into my coat pocket: grease evidently oozing through: did not quite approve of having my new blue coat pocket made a buttery hatch, but thought it expedient to say nothing. Coffee handed round by simpering maid. Bridegroom, having one hand round bride's waist, reached his cup too carelessly in the other, and consequently tilted half its contents upon his own Canary shorts. The latter, in the parts thus deluged, assumed an autumnal tinge not ill suited to the season. More finger-snapping and tomfooling from Blueball, who exhibited in triumph the key of the street-door,

swearing that, on a day of such fun and jollity, nobody should depart till midnight. Looked about for the fun and jollity: Momus's writ returned Non est inventus.

1 P. M. Affairs at a dead stand-still. Piano opened by Emma. Three aunts reinstated near the hearth-rug. Two of them beckoned their former captives, but youngsters hung fire, as not approving of any more head-patting. Bride tried her hand at " She loves and loves for ever," but burst into tears at the second line, and finished the business with a glass of water. Two dingy trustees began to pore over draft of marriage settlement; the words "3 per cents-vestedbody-issue, if any-then to such only child-toties quoties," being distinctly audible. Flattened my nose against window-pane, and betted sixpences with Bob Blueball upon passing hackney-coaches: if number above 500, I was to pay him; if below, he me. Hack chaise and pair drove up to door, to convey happy couple, accompanied by Nancy, to Star and Garter, at Richmond. Kisses, tears, and farewells. Bridegroom's asinine aspect in no way diminished. Had he been ridden by Balaam, Martin of Galway's bill would have protected him from ill usage. Tried to get a kiss from the bride, and got my mouth full of Brussels lace.

2 P. M. Ennui banished by political discussion. Great abuse of the Cortes by Mr. Pob-joy for cowardice: proposition denied by Sir Christopher Contract, who swore that Spain owed all her prosperity to that quarter. Found at length that they were talking of two distinct people, Mr. Pob-joy alluding to the submissionists at Cadiz, and Sir Christopher to the gentleman in armour personated by Mr. Cooper at Covent-garden theatre. Wife much occupied in shewing Lady Suffrage the mode in which the scarlet tips were made to adhere to her white feathers. Lord Mayor's-day dinner discussed; three men in armour criticised; and many causes assigned for the absence of the nobility. General opinion that they were all deep in civic magistrate's books, and dreaded being dunned. Another political storm. Sir Christopher contended that Lord Holland ought to be thrown into the sea; and Sir Samuel Suffrage swore that Mr. Canning deserved to be hanged. Thought to soften down matters, as I do at home; so I suggested that Mr. Canning should only be half hanged, and that Lord Holland should be sunk only up to the middle in Probert's pond. Proposition treated by both parties with an indignant frown, as proceeding from a wretch who knew nothing of the matter. Took up Morning Chronicle, and read for the fourth time account of sale at Gill's-hill cottage. Mr. Prune, a great collector of curiosities, shewed me a feather from the bed that Miss Noyes slept in the night of the murder; knocked down to him yesterday by Page the auctioneer at £4. 10s. Had nearly finished that article, and was setting about reading the whole paper, beginning with No. 17,028, and ending with "Printed and Published," when old Blueball whisked the paper out of my hand, and exclaimed, "What! reading? No reading to-day. This is, as Tom Thumb says, 'a day of fun and jollity."" Wondered when the fun and jollity was to begin. Looked out of the window, and envied the black sweeper officiating at the base of Wilkes's pedestal.-N.B. Idleness a very laborious trade. If any youth has no objection to a fatiguing occupation, let him be bound apprentice to a nothing-to-do man.

3 P. M.-Determined to stand it no longer. Watched opportunity, when host was chuckling and poking the ribs of trustee at the window, to open parlour-door softly. Stole down stairs on tiptoe; rushed out of back door; put my foot upon an inverted pail; used mop as schoolboys do a leaping-pole, cleared Mother Mangle's railway; got safe into Flower-de-Luce-court; bolted out into Fleet-market; walked briskly up Ludgate-hill; and on turning up Ave Maria-lane, heard a hard breathing in my rear. Heart palpitated like the woman's in Ovid, who was turned into a holly-bush. Quickened my pace; and on entering Paternoster-row, bobbed swiftly to the left, and dived into the viscera of Newgate-market. Slackened my pace, no longer dreading pursuit: walked leisurely along Cheapside, the Poultry, and Cornhill; and, with great delight, on full 'Change, mixed myself with Jews, jobbers, brokers, and Turkey merchants. Talked with Moses Tresorio, whose splashed black satin breeches, boots, and spurs, denoted the muddy state of the road from Stamford-hill. Chattered with Cringe the broker about yellow pine timber, Zante fustic, musquash skins, tub bark, and gum arabic: was in the very act of looking at stonemason chipping the smut from the dilated nostrils of George the First, when somebody gently touched my elbow, and on turning round, to my great consternation! beheld Blueball's shopman, who, touching his hat, exclaimed, "Beg pardon, Sir, but master says you must come back." Gave him a shilling to promise to say he could not meet with me. Went home, and caught Peter Pencil, my foreman, practising the jumping waltz with Betty, with a blind fiddler aiding and abetting upon a two-stringed kit.

5 P. M.-Went back to dinner, and mollified Blueball with a story about a returned acceptance of Colonel Palaver's, and the necessity of giving notice to the drawer. Ladled out the peas-soup, sitting between maiden aunt No. 1, and Lady Suffrage. Long story from the latter about dead bodies found in a cave under Manchester-buildings, with dice-boxes in their hands. Conversation during dinner rather miscellaneous, the subjects being length of leases in Long-lane, Lilliputpavement in St. James's-square, massacre of Mr. Barber Beaumont in his ground-floor study, price of a couple of Dorking fowls, Miss Waithman's feathers, Letitia Hawkins, Clara Fisher, Moore's "Fly not yet," and Edwin's "Fal de ral tit."

6 P. M.-Hints from old Blueball to me to propose health of bride and bridegroom: trembled as I filled my glass: had the requisite speech quite by heart yesterday, having been heard by wife without missing a word. Got upon my legs, and transposed a dozen initials, viz. -said that "I rose to toast a propose, which I had no doubt the company would delight with a great deal of drink; that I was not much used to spublic peaking, and therefore should merely health the drink of Mr. and Mrs. Richard Highdry, and may they be a cappy hupple!" Speech received with great applause, notwithstanding the hey contrary sides of its consonants. Mrs. Blueball burst into tears in order to return thanks-felt highly flattered by the flattering manner in which, &c.; that she had lost the flower of her flock, (here the eldest survivor reddened)—she should never see her equal, (here the second survivor bridled)—she hoped and trusted she never should lose another. (Here Emily, just come out, giggled and cast a glance upon her flirting asso