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S CE N E I.
Changes to Milan.
An Apartment in the Duke's Palace.
Enter Valentine and Speed.
Val. Not mine; my gloves are on.
Val. Ha ! let me see: ay, give it me, it's mine :
Speed. Madam Silvia! Madam Silvia!
Speed. Marry, by these special marks; first, you have learn'd, like Sir Protheus, to wreath your arms like a male-content; to relish a love-song, like a Robin-red-breast; to walk alone, like one that had the pestilence; to figh, like a school-boy that had loft his A, B, C; to weep, like a young wench that had buried her grandam ; to fast, like one that takes diet; to watch, like one that fears robbing; to speak puling, like a beggar at Hallowmass. You were wont,
when you laugh’d, to crow like a cock; when you walk'd, to walk like one of the lions; when
you fafted, it was presently after dinner; when you look'd sadly, it was for want of money; and now you are metamorphos'd with a mistress, that, when I look on you, I can hardly think you my master.
Val. Are all these things perceiv'd in me?
Speed. Without you? nay, that's certain; for without you were so simple, none else would; But you are so without these Follies, that these follies are within you, and shine through you like the water in an urinal ; that not an eye that sees you, but is a physician to comment on your malady.
Val. But tell me, dost thou know my lady Silvia? Speed. She, that you gaze on so as she sits at supper? Val. Haft thou observ'd that? ev'n she I mean.
Speed. Why, Sir, I know her not? [ Val. Dost thou know her by my gazing on her, and yet know'ft her not?
Speed. Is she not hard-favour'd, Sir?
Speed. That's because the one is painted, and the other out of all count.
Val. How painted ? and how out of count?
Speed. Marry, Sir, so painted to make her fair, that no man counts of her beauty.
Val. How esteem'st thou me? I account of her beauty.
Speed. You never saw her since she was deform’d. Val. How long has she been deform'd ?
Speed. Ever since you lov'd her. .
Val. I have lov'd her, ever since I saw her ;
Speed. If you love her, you cannot see her.
O, that you had mine eyes, or your own eyes had the lights they were wont to have, when you chid at Sir Protheus for going ungarter'd!
Val. What should I see then ?
Speed. Your own present folly, and her passing deformity: For he, being in love, could not see to garter his hose; and you, being in love, cannot see to put on your
hose. Val. Belike, boy, then you are in love : for last morning you could not see to wipe my shoes.
Speed. True, Sir, I was in love with my bed ; I thank you, you swing'd me for my love, which makes me the bolder to chide
Speed. I would you were fet, fo your affe&ion would cease.
Val. Last night she injoin'd me to write some lines to one she loves.
Speed. And have you ?
Val. No, boy, but as well as I can do them :
Val. Madam and mistress, a thousand good mor
Speed. Oh! give ye good ev'n; here's a million of
Sil. Sir Valentine and fervant, to you two thousand.
Speed. He should give her interest ; and she gives it him.
Val. As you injoin'd me, I have writ your letter, Unto the secret, nameless, friend of yours ; Which I was much unwilling to proceed in, But for my duty to your ladyship.
Sil. I thank you, gentle servant ; 'tis very clerkly done.
Val. Now trust me, madam, it came hardly off: For being ignorant to whom it goes, I writ at random, very doubtfully.
Sil. Perchance, you think too much of so much pains ?
Val. No, madam, so it steed you, I will write, Please you command, a thousand times as much.
Sil. A pretty period ; well, I guess the sequel ;
I care not ;
you no more Speed. And yet you will; and yet, another yet.
[Aside. Val. What means your ladyship ? do you not like it ?
Sil. Yes, yes, the lines are very quaintly writ ;.
Val. Madam, they are for you.
Sil. Ay, ay; you writ them, Sir, at my request ; But I will none of them; they are for you: I would have had them writ more movingly.
Val. Please you, I'll write your ladyship another.
Sil. And when it's writ, for my fake read it over; And if it please you, so; if not, why so.
Val. If it please me, madam, what then?
Sil. Why if it please you, take it for your labour; And so good morrow, servant.
[Exit. Speed, O jest unseen, inscrutable, invisible,
As a nose on a man's face, or a weathercock on a
steeple ! My Master fues to her, and she hath taught her suitor, He being her pupil, to become her tutor : O excellent device ! was there ever heard a better? That my master, being the scribe, to himself should
write the letter ? Val. How now, Sir, what are you reasoning with yourself?
Speed. Nay, I was rhiming; 'tis you that have the reason.
Val. To do what ?
Speed. To yourself ; why, she wooes you by a
Speed. What need fhe,
Val. No, believe me.
Speed. No believing you, indeed, Sir: but did you perceive her earnest?
Val. She gave me none, except an angry word.
Speed. And that letter hath she deliver'd, and there's an end.
Val. I would it were no worse.
Speed. I'll warrant you, 'tis as well: For often have you writ to her ; and fhe in modesty, Or else for want of idle time, could not again reply ; Or fearing else some messenger, that might her mind dis
cover, Herself hath taught her love himself to write unto her lover. All this I speak in print; for in print I found it.