TRIM'S EXPLANATION OF the fifth COM

MANDMENT.

-PRYTHEE, Trim, quoth my father,—What dost thou mean, by 'honouring thy father and thy mother?

Allowing them, an't please your honour, three halfpence a day out of my pay when they grow old. And didst thou do that, Trim? said Yorick. -He did, indeed, replied my uncle Toby-Then, Trim, said Yorick, springing out of his chair, and taking the Corporal by the hand, thou art the best commentator upon that part of the Decalogue; and I honour thee more for it, Corporal Trim, than if thou hadst a hand in the Talmud itself.

T. SHANDY.

CORPORAL TRIM'S DEFINITION OF RADICAL HEAT AND MOISTURE.

I INFER, an' please your worship, replied Trim, that the radical moisture is nothing in the world but ditch-water-and that the radical heat, of those who can go to the expense of it, is burnt brandy-the radical heat and moisture of a private man, an' please your honours, is nothing but ditchwater-and a dram of geneva-—and give us but enough of it, with a pipe of tobacco, to give us spirits, and drive away the vapours-we know not what it is to fear death.

I am at a loss, Captain Shandy, quoth Doctor Slop, to determine in which branch of learning

your servant shines most, whether in physiology or divinity.-Slop had not forgot Trim's comment upon the sermon.

It is but an hour ago, replied Yorick, since the Corporal was examined in the latter, and pass'd muster with great honour.

The radical heat and moisture, quoth Doctor Slop, turning to my father, you must know is the basis and foundation of our being-as the root of a tree is the source and principle of its vegetation, it is inherent in the seeds of all animals, and may be preserved sundry ways, but principally, in my opinion, by con-substantials, impriments, and occudents.Now this poor fellow, continued Doctor Slop, pointing to the Corporal, has had the misfortune to have heard some superficial empiric discourse upon this nice point.- -That he has, said my father.Very likely, said my uncle.—I'm sure of it, quoth Yorick.

T. SHANDY.

DR. SLOP AND SUSANNAH.

WHEN the cataplasm was ready, a scruple of decorum had unseasonably rose up in Susannah's conscience, about holding the candle, while Slop tied it on; Slop had not treated Susannah's distemper with anodynes-and so a quarrel had ensued betwixt them.

-Oh! Oh! said Slop, casting a glance of undue freedom in Susannah's face, as she declined the office-then, I think I know you, Madam

-You know me, Sir! cried Susannah fastidi

ously, and with a toss of her head, levelled evidently, not at his profession, but at the doctor himself,- -you know me! cried Susannah again.

-Doctor Slop clapped his finger and his thumb instantly upon his nostrils; Susannah's spleen was ready to burst at it;-Tis false, said Susannah.Come, come, Mrs. Modesty, said Slop, not a little elated with the success of his last thrust,-if you won't hold the candle, and look-you may hold it and shut your eyes:-That's one of your Popish shifts, cried Susannah :--Tis better, said Slop, with a nod, than no shift at all, young woman! -and I defy you, Sir, cried Susannah, pulling her shift sleeve below her elbow.

It was almost impossible for two persons to assist each other in surgical case with a more

splenetic cordiality.

-A little this way, said

Slop snatched up the cataplasm.-Susannah snatched up the candle ;Slop; Susannah looking one way, and rowing another, instantly set fire to Slop's wig, which being somewhat bushy and unctuous withal, was burnt out before it was well kindled.- -You impudent whore! cried Slop,-(for what is passion but a wild beast?)-you impudent whore, cried Slop, getting upright, with the cataplasm in his hand;

I never was the destruction of any body's nose, said Susannah,--which is more than you can say:Is it?-cried Slop, throwing the cataplasm in her face :-Yes, it is, cried Susannah, returning the compliment with what was left in the pan.

T. SHANDY.

MR. SHANDY'S BED OF JUSTICE.

THE ancient Goths of Germany, who (the learned Cluverius is positive) were first seated in the country between the Vistula and the Oder, and who afterwards incorporated the Hercule, the Bugians, and some other Vandallic clans to 'em,— had all of them a wise custom of debating every thing of importance to their state, twice; that is, -once drunk and once sober:- -Drunk-that their councils might not want vigour:- -and sober--that they might not want discretion.

Now my father being entirely a water-drinker,

-was a long time gravelled almost to death, in turning this as much to his advantage, as he did every other thing, which the ancients did or said; and it was not till the seventh year of his marriage, after a thousand fruitless experiments and devices, that he hit upon an expedient which answered the purpose; and that was, when any difficult and momentous point was to be settled in the family, which required great sobriety, and great spirit too, in its determination,- -he fixed and set apart the first Sunday night in the month, and the Saturday night which immediately preceded it, to argue it over, in bed, with my mother: by which contrivance, if you consider, Sir, with yourself,

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These, my father, humorously enough, called his beds of justice;-for from the two different coun

sels taken in these two different humours, a middle one was generally found out, which touched the point of wisdom as well, as if he had got drunk and sober a hundred times.

It must not be made a secret of to the world, that this answers full as well in military discussions, as either in military or conjugal: but it is not every author that can try the experiment as the Goths and Vandals did it—or, if he can, may it be always for his body's health; and to do it, as my father did it, I am sure it would be always for his soul's.

My way is this :—

In all nice and ticklish discussions,-(of which, Heaven knows, there are but too many in my book), where I find I cannot take a step without the danger of having either their worships or their reverences upon my back-I write one half full,

-and t'other fasting ;- -or write it all full, -and correct it fasting;- -or write it fasting,-and correct it full, for they all come to the same thing :- -So that with a less variation from my father's plan, than my father's from the Gothic-I feel myself upon a par with him in his first bed of justice, and no way inferior to him in his second.

-These different and almost irreconcileable effects, flow uniformly from the wise and wonderful-mechanism of nature,—of which,-be her's the honour.--All that we can do, is to turn and work the machine to the improvement and better manufactory of the arts and sciences.

Now, when I write full,-I write as if I was never to write fasting again as long as I live;-that is, I write free from the cares as well as the terrors