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make my remarks according to circumstances; and having by nature a desire of conversing, though marred by an unconquerable timidity, my only resource is in the pen. Whether that pen be gifted with more fluency than my tongue, I am not a sufficient judge; but I am compelled to give vent to my ideas, like the barber's boy in the fable of Midas, not without fear that my paper may rise in judgment against me, and cry, "Taciturn has ass's ears."

But, joking apart, I have often wondered that no one has attempted to reduce conversation to a system, for the benefit of those whose ideas are not so unembarrassed, and whose tongues are not so glib as their owners could have wished. For want of a better, I have ventured to send you a scheme of my own, which has already been of advantage to me, and I hope may be so to others.

The Art of Conversation is divided into seven grand classes: The Dialectical or Argumentative : the Masticatory, or Table-talk: the Anacreontic, or Love-making: the Terpsichoric, or Ball-room talk: the Soirée, or Teaand-turn-out talk; the Poluphloisbian, or Fustian talk : and the Pompholugopaphlasmatic, or Noisy-nonsensical talk.

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Class 1.-The Dialectical or Argumentative. ⠀⠀ou!

The beauty and effect of this style consists in giving your opponent the lie without ceremony, as nothing tends so much to weaken his arguments as impeaching hist veracity; the next point is never to confess yourself beaten; but when hard pressed, to shift your ground, and attack

him at a new point. The usual subjects in this class are all matters relating to politics; and this style should never be used without an accompanying bottle.

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Class II.-The Masticatory, or Table Talk.

The chief point to be observed in this style is, that it should never be used to such a degree as to interrupt the more essential duty of eating; consequently, that man may consider that he has made some proficiency who can talk with considerable volubility with his mouth full, for thereby he kills two birds with one stone.

Class III.-The Anacreontic, or Love-making style.

In this class four things are essentially necessary: the first, Flattery; the second, Impudence; the third, Pertinacity; and the fourth, Self-sufficiency. Those who expect to be successful in this style, must take especial care to have always at their fingers ends a good stock of ready-made "Impromptus;" each of which should contain upon an average, four sighs, one bleeding heart, three lilies, and a rose; Cupid and Venus, to appear classical; three "till deaths," to appear faithful; and sixteen metaphors to appear poetical; for of those three appearances, the last is the best.

N. B. To this class the language of the eyes is a very necessary adjunct.

: Class IV.-The Terpsichoric, or Ball-Room Talk.. In this class the chief thing spoken is Nonsense; and

to speak that gracefully is the only object in view. Subjects are seldom sought from a distance; since the music, the lights, the floor, and the faces, will generally last pretty well to the last bar of "Finale." In criticising the last of these, great caution is necessary, as if handsome, you will often excite your partner's jealousy; if ugly, you stand a chance of hearing that you have been inveighing against her sister.

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Class V.-The Soirée, or Tea-Table Talk.

The subject of this kind of conversation is generally Scandal, and it is chiefly by means of these that malicious reports travel with telegraphic expedition. No person whatever should venture to attend one of these meetings without providing herself with the news of the day: how Lady F. flirted at the Opera with Colonel C.: how Mrs. R. lost two thousand at Ecarté, and pawned her diamonds to pay it; how a separation had been talked of between Lord and Lady D.; how Lady Rougenoir's complexion was owing to Atkinson's Circassian Bloom, and the colour of her eye-brows to Rowland's Tyrian Dye; with fifty other stories of the like stamp...

N. B. No story should be told without some little addition, which the ingenuity of the relater will readily suggest.

Class VI.-The Poluphloisbian, or Fustian style.

The grand principle of this style is Noise; and its merit consists in the use of big words where small would answer the purpose. The more recondite, and less in

telligible the words, the better is the effect produced. A professor of this style will never say, "Pray snuff the candle;" but "Vouchsafe to decapitate the supererogatory elevation of the luminary :" instead of "Brush my coat,” he would say, "Administer purification to the pulverulent superficies of my habiliments :" in short, he will stretch his jaws, and our language, to the greatest possible extent, and think more of himself for discovering a high-sounding word, than if he had Squared the Circle, or invented the Perpetual Motion.

Class VII.-The Pompholugopaphlasmatic, or Noisynonsensical style.

To this style the old proverb applies, "More Sound than Sense." It is chiefly used by Hectors, bravos, bullies, and those dandies whose stays are unfashionably loose enough, to admit of its being used with effect. It consists chiefly of oaths, to render which expressive, requires great power and skill. With ordinary performers they degenerate into unmeaning expletives; but with firstrate swearers they cannot fail to convince all those, who have not their ears stopped by good sense, or their minds depraved by that vulgar quality understanding.

Having thus completed my classes, I beg leave to announce to the world, my intention of publishing by subscription, a series of cards, containing every requisite to the above styles. The cards on class the first, will contain all the arguments of coffee-house politicians, on both sides of every question, arranged according to the Socratic method; by means of which those who wish

to display the versatility of their genius may change sides at their pleasure.

The Second Series will contain a vast variety of original stories, jeux d' esprit with suitable introductions: also two general speeches of thanks, adapted to any person, toast, or dinner.

The Third will contain new and original Raptures, warranted to captivate.

The Fourth will be found abundant in criticisms on the last new Quadrilles; with remarks on all descriptions of faces, blonde, brunette, Madonna, &c. &c. drawn from nature expressly for this work. Also an Essay on Lemonade, and an extract from Jarrin's "Italian Confectioner," on the subject of Ices.

The Fifth will contain every requisite of an accomplished scandal-monger; also an history of the Tea-plant, for a botanical coterie. Fictitious stories and false scandal will also be inserted; equal to true.

The Sixth will contain, "The Difficulties of Johnson," selected chiefly from his dictionary; also a supply of Greek words, of the best quality and loudest sound, neatly anglicised, warranted to contain more letters than any yet published.

The Seventh will contain a collection of challenges, and as many apologies; directions for talking big, with a copious assortment of lies, oaths, and gasconades.

If you will be so kind, Mr. Bouverie, as to insert this Scheme in the next number of your Miscellany, you may be assured that I will find a tongue to praise you; in the mean time believe me Your devoted Servant,

TOBIAS TACITURN.

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