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Peer) a ufeful Magiftrate in the Country. I am always proud of meeting his Lordfhip at the Quarter Seffions; but I always take Care to have the Chairman at leaft between us on the Bench, that it may not be too vifible to the Country, what a prodigious Difparity there is in every RefpecT: between us.
But I will now divide my Text, in order to difcufs it more thoroughly; and will confider the natural Confequences of Bodily Deformity; firft, how it affedls the outward Circumftances; and laftly, what Turn it gives to the Mind.
It is certain, that the Human Frame, being warped and difproportioned, is leflened in Strength and Activity; and rendered lefs fit for its Functions. Scarron had invented an Engine to take off his Hat; and I wifh I could invent one to buckle my Shoe, or to take up a Thing from the Ground, which I can fcarce do without kneeling; for I can bend my Body no farther than it is bent by Nature. For this Reafon, when Ladies drop a Fan or Glove, I am not the firft to take it up; and often reftrain my Inclination to perform thofe little Services, rather than expofe my Spider-like Shape. And I hope it will not be conftrued as Piide, if I do not always rife from my Seat when I ought; for if it is low, I find fome Trouble in it; and my Center of Gravity is fo ill placed, that I am often like to fall back. Things» hanging within the Reach of others, are out of mine. And what they can execute with Eafe, I want Strength to perform. I am in Danger of being 4 trampled trampled upon, or ftifled in a Crowd; where my Back is a convenient Lodgment for the Elbow of any tall Perfon that is near. I can fee nothing; and my whole Employment is to guard my Perfon. I have forborn to attend his Majefty in the Houfe of Peers, fince I was like to be fqueezed to death there againft the Wall. I would willingly come thither when his Majefty commands, but he is too gracious to expect Impoffibilities. Befides, when I get in, I can never have the Pleafure of feeing, on the Throne, one of the beft Princes, who ever fat on it. Thefe and many others are the Inconveniences continually attending a Figure like mine. They may appear grievous to Perfons not ufed to them; but they grow eafier by Habit; and though they may a little difturb, they are not fufficient to deftroy the Happinefs of Life; of which, at an Average, I have enjoyed as great a Share as moil Men. And perhaps one Proof of it may be my writing this Effay; not intended as a Complaint againft Providence for my Lot, but as an innocent Amufement to myfelf and others.
I cannot tell what Effect Deformity may have on the Health; but it is natural to imagine, that as the inward Parts of the Body muft, in fome meafure, comply with the outward Mould; the Form of the latter being irregular, the firft cannot be fo well placed and difpofed to perform their Functions ,• and that generally deformed Perfons would not be healthy of long-lived. But this is a Queftion beft determined by Facts; and in this Cafe the Inftances are too few, or unobferved, to draw a general ConcluH 4. lion fion from them. And Health is, more than is commonly thought, in a Man's own Power; and the Reward of Temperance, more than the EffecT: of Conftitution; which makes it ftill more difficult to pafs a Judgment. Efop could not be young when he died; and might have lived longer, if he had not been murdered at Delphi. The Prince of Orange fcarce pafled the Meridian of Life; and the Duke of Luxemburg died about the Age of fixty-feven. The Lord Treafurer Eurleigb (the Honour of whofe Company I claim on the Authority of [«] OJborri) lived to feventy-eight; but his Son the Earl of Salljbury, who died about fifteen Years after him, could not reach near that Age. I have heard (but know not if it is true) that Mr. Popes Father was deformed, and he lived to feventy-five; whereas the Son died in middle Age; if he may be faid to die, whofe Works are immortal. My Father was not deformed, but active, and my Mother a celebrated Beauty; and I that am fo unlike them, have lived to a greater Age; and daily fee my Acquaintance, of a ftronger Frame, quitting the Stage before me,
But I leave it to better Naturalifts to determine, whether Deformity, abftractedly confidered, is prejudicial to Health; for in its Confequences, I believe, it is moft commonly an Advantage. Deformed Perfons have a lefs Share of Strength than others, and therefore fhould naturally be more careful to preferve it; and as Temperance is the great Prefervative of Health, it may incline them to be more temperate.
[»] See HiftoricaJ Memoirs of Q^Elixabetb, by Francis QJbon, Efq.
I have I have Reafon to think that my own weak Frame and Conftitution have prolonged my Life to this prefent Date. But 1 fhould impofe upon my Reader, and affront Heaven, if I afcribed that to Virtue, which took its Rife from Neceffity. Being of a confumptive Difpofition, I was alarmed, when young, with frequent fpitting of Blood; this made me abftain from Wine, and all ftrong Liquors, which I have now done for near thirty Years. But
(Incidit in Scyllam cupiens vitart Carybdim.)
By this I fell into another Misfortune; and the Stone was the Confequence of my drinking raw Water; but Care and Perfeverance with Abftinence, have fo far fubdued that Diftemper, that at prefent it is but little Interruption to my Eafe or Happinefs. And weak as I am, I daily fee many dying before me, -who were defigned by Nature for a much longer Life. And I cannot but lament, that the Generality of Mankind fo wantonly throw away Health (without which [o] Life is not Life) when it is fo much in their own Power to preferve it. If every Virtue in its Confequence is its own Reward, Temperance is eminently fo; and every one immediately feels its good Effect. And I am perfuaded that many might arrive at Comoro's Age, if they did but follow his Example. On thinking upon this Subject, I have adopted many Maxims, which to the World will feem Paradoxes; as certain true Geographical Theorems do to thofe, who are unacquainted with
 Non tft viveft, fed valtre, vita.—Mat. 1. TJ. Ep. 70.
the the Globe. I hold as Articles of Faith (but which may be condemned as Herefies in many a General Council affcmbled about a large Table) that the fmaUelr Liquors are beft: That there never was a good l:iowl of Punch; nor a good Bottle of Champaign, Burgundy, or Claret: That the beft Dinner is one Dilh: That an Entertainment grows worfe -in proportion as the Number of Dimes increafe: That a Faft is better than a Lord Mayor's Feaft: That no Conoifleur ever undetftood good Eating: That no Minifter of State or Ambaflador ever gave a good Entertainment: No King ever face down to a good Table: And that the Peafant fares better than the Prince, &c. Being infpired with fuch Sentiments, what Wonder is it, if I fometimes break out into fuch Ejaculations. O Temperance! Thou Goddefs moft worthy to be adored! Thou Patronefs of Health! Thou Protector of Beauty! Thou Prolonger of Life! Thou Infurer of Pleafure! Thou Promoter of Bufinefs! Thou Guardian of the Perfon! Thou Preferver of the Underftanding! Thou Parent of every intellectual Improvement, and of every moral Virtue!'
Another great Prefervative of Health is, moderate Exercife; which few deformed Perfons can want Strength to perform. I never chofe long Journies, and they have been fatiguing to me; but I never iound myfelf worfe for Fatigue. And (before I was troubled with the Stone) I have, on Occafion, rode fifty Miles in a Day; or walked near Twenty. And, though now flow in my Motions, I can be on my