general on the peace establishment-a Fabius foiled the skill and courage of parade day! The day for which all the Hannibal. A retreat is ordered, and other days of his life seem to have been made. We can see the troops in motion; umbrellas, hoe and ax-handles and other like deadly implements of war overshadowing all the field, when lo! the leader of the host approaches, "Far off his coming shines;" his plume, white, after the fashion of the great Bourbon, is of ample length, and reads its doleful history in the bereaved necks and bosoms of forty neighboring hen roosts! troops and general, in a twinkling, are found safely bivouacked in a neighboring grocery! But even here the general still has room for the exhibition of heroic deeds. Hot from the field, and chafed with the untoward events of the day, your general unsheaths his trenchant blade, eighteen inches in length, as you will remember, and with energy and remorseless fury he slices the watermelons that lie in heaps around him and shares them with his surviving friends. Other of the sinews of war are not wanting here. Whiskey, Mr. Speaker, that great leveler of modern times, is here also, and the shells of the watermelons are filled to the brim. Here again, Mr. Speaker, is shown, how the meet. As the Scandinavian Heroes of old, after the fatigues of war, drank wine from the skulls of their slaughtered enemies, in Odin's Halls, so now our militia general and his forces, from the skulls of melons thus vanquished, in copious draughts of whiskey assuage the heroic fire of their souls, after the bloody scenes of a parade day. But, alas, for this short-lived race of ours, all things will have an end, and so even is it with the glorious achievements of our general. Time is on the wing and will not stay his flight; the sun, as if frightened at the mighty events of the day, rides down the sky, and at the close of the day, when the hamlet is still," the curtain of night drops upon the scene; Like the great Suwaroff, he seems somewhat careless in forms and points of dress; hence his epaulettes may be on his shoulders, back or sides, but still gleaming, gloriously gleaming in the sun. Mounted he is, too, let it not be forgotten. Need extremes of barbarism and civilization I describe to the colonels and generals of this honorable House the steed, which heroes bestride on such occasions? No, I see the memory of other days is with you. You see before you the gentleman from Michigan mounted on his cropeared, bushy-tailed mare, the singular obliquity of whose hinder limbs is described in the most expressive phrase, "sickle hams"; her height just fourteen hands, "ali told;" yes, sir, there you see his "steed that laughs at the shaking of the spear;" that is his "war-horse whose neck is clothed with thunder." Mr. Speaker, we have glowing descriptions in history, of Alexander the Great and his war-horse Bucephalus, at the head of his invincible Macedonian phalanx, but, sir, such are the improvements of modern times, that every one must see that our militia general, with his crop-eared mare, with bushy tail and sickle ham, would literally frighten off a battle-field a hundred Alexanders. But, sir, to the parade day. The general thus mounted and equipped is in the field, and ready for action. On the eve of some desperate enterprise, such as giving order to shoulder arms, it may be there occurs a crisis, one of the accidents of war, which no sagacity . could foresee or prevent. A cloud rises and passes over the sun! Here an occasion occurs for the display of that greatest of all traits in the character of a commander, that tact which enables him to seize upon and turn to good account events unlooked for as they arise. for the caution wherewith the Roman Now "And glory, like the phoenix in its fires, Exhales its odors; blazes and expires." man, the general, whose military history We now come to see something of the our able and experienced general from Michigan has reviewed. We know that debates like this have sometimes been had in the British Parliament. There, I believe, the discussion was usually conducted by those in the House, who have seen, and not merely heard, of service. We all know, that Colonel Napier has in several volumes, reviewed the campaigns of Wellington, and criticised the movements and merits of Beresford, and Soult, and Massena, and many others, quite, yes, I say quite as well known in military history as any of us, not even excepting our opinions of Napier, because we know, he general from Michigan. We respect the not only thought of war, but that he ing upon the criticism under consideration. fought too. We respect and admire that In almost all scientific research, we find combination of military skill, with pro- that what is now reduced to system, and found statesmanlike views, which we find arises to the dignity of science, was at in "Cæsar's Commentaries," because we first the product of some casualty, which, know the "mighty Julius" was a soldier, falling under the notice of some reflecting trained in the field and inured to the ac- mind, gave rise to surprising results. The cidents and dangers of war. But, sir, we accidental falling of an apple developed generals of Congress require no such the great law of gravitation. I am sure I painful discipline to give value to our have somewhere seen it stated that Pyropinions. We men of the nineteenth rhus, the celebrated king of Epirus, who century know all things instinctively. is allowed by all authority to have been We understand perfectly the military art the first general of his time, first learned by nature. Yes, sir, the notions of the to fortify his camp by having a river in gentleman from Michigan, agree exactly his rear and a morass on his flank; and with a sage by the name of "Dogberry," this was first suggested to him, by seeing who insisted, that "reading and writing a wild boar, when hunted to desperation, come by nature." Mr. Speaker we have back himself against a tree or rock that he heard and read enough of the "advance may fight his pursuers, without danger of of knowledge, the improvements of the his being assailed in his rear. Now, sir, species and the great march of mind," if I comprehend the gentleman from but never till now have we understood the Michigan, he has against him on his point extent of meaning in these pregnant not only the celebrated king of Epirus, phrases. For instance, the gentleman but also the wild boar, who it seems, was from Michigan asserts that General Har- the tutor of Pyrrhus, in the art of castrarison has none of the qualities of a general metation. Here then, are two approved because at the battle of Tippecanoe he authorities, one of whom nature taught was found at one time at a distance from the art of war, as she kindly did us colohis tent, urging his men on to battle. He nels, and the other that renowned hero of exposed his person too much, it seems. Epirus, who gave the Romans so much He should have staid at his tent, and trouble in his time. These authorities waited for the officers to come to him for are near two thousand years old, and, as orders. Well sir, see now to what con- far as I know, unquestioned, till the genclusion this leads us. Napoleon seized a tleman from Michigan attacked them standard at Lodi, and rushed in front of yesterday. Here again, I ask who shall his columns across a narrow bridge, which decide? Pyrrhus and the boar on one was swept by a whole park of German side, and the gentleman from Michigan artillery. Hence, Napoleon was no officer; on the other. Sir, I decline jurisdiction he did not know how to command an of the question, and leave the two hundred army. He, like Harrison, exposed his and forty colonels of this House to settle person too much. Oh, Mr. Speaker, what the contest, non nostrum tantas compoa pity for poor Napoleon that he had not nere lites." studied Steuben, and slaughtered watermelons, with us natural-born generals of this great age of the world! Sir, it might have altered the map of Europe; nay, changed the destinies of the world! Something was said by the gentleman from Michigan about the encampment at Tippecanoe. If I understood him rightly, he condemned it as injudicious, because it had a river on one side and a morass on another. Now, Mr. Speaker, I shall give no opinion on the question thus stated; but it just now occurs to me that this very subject, which I think in the military vocabulary is called castrametation, admits of some serious injury bear THE EDINBURGH LADIES' PETI TION TO DR. MOYES, WITH LORD BYRON'S Dear Doctor, let it not transpire Of rain and hail, of frost and snow, A matter which our thoughts run much on, Approved by 300 Ladies, 1807. LORD BYRON'S REPLY. [The following are Lord Byron's own words in reference to the preceding composition :-" This petition, a sprightly little poem, was put into my hands by a lady for whom I entertain a very great respect, accompanied by a wish that I would reply in the Doctor's name. Though by no means adequate to the task, I have endeavoured, in the following lines, to give such answers to the questions as my own trifling experience suggested, more from my dislike to refuse any request of a female than the most distant hope of affording a perspicuous or satisfactory solution of the different queries.March, 1807."] In all the arts, without exception, From morbid symptoms diagnostic And that at length mankind got rid of 'em, The town to see the veteran Kemble Why fools are oft preferr'd to wise men sleeping, 'Tis known by men of nice precision, That Hymen is the best physician; He will unravel hopes and doubting, And put an end to fits of pouting. May each amongst you find a mate THE DUMB-WAITER. [FREDERICK S. COZZENS, 1818-69; born in N. Y.; in early life a wine-merchant, and editor of the Wine Press, for which he wrote papers on the culture of the grape and the manufacture of wine. This led him to more popular authorship, and he contributed to Magazines. His first volume was Prismatics, by Richard Haywarde. Then came the Sparrowgrass Papers, his best effort. Afterwards he published Acadia, or a sojourn among the One of his latest and best works is Sayings, Wise and Blue Noses; and a Memorial of Fitz-Greene Halleck. Otherwise.] WE have put a dumb-waiter in our house. A dumb-waiter is a good thing to have in the country, on account of its convenience. If you have company, every thing can be sent up from the kitchen without any trouble; and if the baby gets to be unbearable, on account of his teeth, you can dismiss the complainant by stuffing him into one of the shelves, and letting him down upon the help. To provide for contingencies, we had all our floors deafened. In consequence, you cannot hear anything that is going on in the story below; and when you are in an upper room of the house, there might be a democratic ratification-meeting in the cellar, and you would not know it. Therefore, if any one should break into the basement, it would not disturb us; but to please Mrs. Sparrowgrass, I put stout iron bars on all the lower windows. Besides, Mrs. Sparrowgrass had bought a rattle when she was in Philadelphia; such a rattle as watchmen carry there. This is to alarm our neighbor, who, upon the signal, is to come to the rescue with his revolver. He is a rash man, prone to pull trigger first, and make inquiries afterward. So One evening Mrs. S. had retired, and I was busy writing, when it struck me a glass of ice-water would be palatable. I took the candle and a pitcher, and went down to the pump. Our pump is in the kitchen. A country pump in the kitchen is more convenient; but a well with buckets is certainly most picturesque. Unfortunately our well-water has not been sweet since it was cleaned out. First, I had to open a bolted door that lets you into the basement hall, and then I went to the kitchen door, which proved to be locked. Then I remembered that our girl always carried the key to bed with her, and slept with it under her pillow. Then I retraced my steps; bolted the basement door, and went up into the dining-room. As is always the case, I found, when I could not get any water I was thirstier than I supposed I was. Then I thought I would wake our girl up. Then I concluded not to do it. Then I thought of the well, but I gave that up on account of its flavor. Then I opened the closet doors: there was no water there; and then I thought of the dumb-waiter! The novelty of the idea made me smile; I took out two of the movable shelves, stood the pitcher on the bottom of the dumb-waiter, got in myself with the lamp; let myself down until I supposed I was within a foot of the floor below, and then let go. We came down so suddenly that I was shot out of the apparatus as if it had been a catapult; it broke the pitcher, extin then he wanted me to explain it! But what kind of an explanation could I make to him? I told him he would have to wait until my mind was composed, and then I would let him understand the mat guished the lamp, and landed me in the middle of the kitchen at midnight, with no fire, and the air not much above the zero point. The truth is, I had miscalculated the distance of the descent,-instead of falling one foot, I had fallen five. My ter fully. But he never would have had first impulse was, to ascend by the way I came down, but I found that impracticable. Then I tried the kitchen door: it was locked. I tried to force it open; it was made of two-inch stuff, and held its own. Then I hoisted a window, and there were the rigid iron bars. If I ever felt angry at anybody it was at myself, for putting up those bars to please Mrs. Sparrowgrass. I put them up, not to keep people in, but to keep people out. I laid my cheek against the ice-cold barriers, and looked at the sky; not a star was visible; it was as black as ink overhead. Then I thought of Baron Trenck and the prisoner of Chillon. Then I made a noise! I shouted until I was hoarse, and ruined our preserving-kettle with the poker. That brought our dogs out in full bark, and between us we made the night hideous. Then I thought I heard a voice, and listened: it was Mrs. Sparrowgrass calling to me from the top of the stair-case. I tried to make her hear me, but the infernal dogs united with howl, and growl, and bark, so as to drown my voice, which is naturally plaintive and tender. Besides, there were two bolted doors and double-deafened floors between us. How could she recognize my voice, even if she did hear it? Mrs. Sparrowgrass called once or twice, and then got frightened; the next thing I heard was a sound as if the roof had fallen in, by which I understood that Mrs. Sparrowgrass was springing the rattle! That called out our neighbor, already wide awake; he came to the rescue with a bull-terrier, a Newfoundland pup, a lantern, and a revolver. The moment he saw me at the window, he shot at me, but fortunately just missed me. I threw myself under the kitchen table, and ventured to expostulate with him, but he would not listen to reason. In the excitement I had forgotten his name, and that made matters worse. It was not until he had roused up everybody around, broken in the basement door with an axe, gotten into the kitchen with his cursed savage dogs and shooting-iron, and seized me by the collar, that he recognized me, and the particulars from me, for I do not approve of neighbors that shoot at you, break in your door, and treat you in your own house as if you were a jail-bird. He knows all about it, however, somebody has told him-somebody tells everybody every thing in our village. TEN JESTS OF HIEROCLES. [HIEROCLES, "The New Platonist," flourished in Alexandria about the middle of the fifth century.] 1. A YOUNG man, meeting an acquaintance, said, "I heard that you were dead." "But," says the other, "you see me alive." "I do not know how that may be," replied he: "you are a notorious liar; my informant was a person of credit." 2. A man wrote to a friend in Greece, begging him to purchase books. From negligence or avarice, he neglected to execute the commission; but, fearing that his correspondent might be offended, he exclaimed, when next they met, "My dear friend, I never got the letter you wrote to me about the books." 3. A robust countryman, meeting a physician, ran to hide behind a wall: being asked the cause, he replied, “It is so long since I have been sick, that I am ashamed to look a physician in the face." 4. A man, hearing that a raven would live two hundred years, bought one to try. 5. A foolish fellow, having a house to sell, took a brick from the wall to exhibit as a sample. 6. A man, meeting a friend, said, “I spoke to you last night in a dream." "Pardon me," replied the other; "I did not hear you." 7. A man that had nearly been drowned while bathing, declared that he would never enter the water again till he had learned to swim. 8. During a storm, the passengers on board a vessel that appeared in danger, seized different implements to aid them in swimming, and one of the number selected for this purpose the anchor. 9. A wittol, a barber, and a bald-headed man travelled together. Losing their way, |