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SPURIOUS APOPHTHEGMES.

1. His Majesty James the First, King of Great 3ritain, having made unto his Parliament an excellent and large declaration, concluded thus, “ I have now given you a clear mirror of my mind ; use ** it therefore like a mirror ; and take heed how you let it fall, or how “ you soil it with your breath.”

2. His Majesty said to his Parliament at another time, finding there were soime causeless jealousies sown amongst them ; ** That “ the King and his people, (whereof the Parliament is the representa** tive body,) were as husband and wife ; and therefore, that of all ** other things, jealousy was between them most pernicious ”

3. His Majesty, when he thought his Council might note in him somne variety in businesses, though indeed he remained constant, would say, “ That the sun many times shineth watery ; but it is not ** the sum which causeth it, but some cloud rising betwixt us and the ** sun ; and when that is scattered the sun is as it was, and comes to ** his former brightness.”

4. His Majesty, in his answer to the book of the Cardinal of Evereux (who had in a grave argument of divinity sprinkled many witty ornaments of poesy änd humanity), saith ; “That these flower§ ** were like blue and yellow, and red flowers in the corn, which “ make a pleasant shew to those that look on, but they hurt ** the corn.**

5. Sir Edward Cook, being vehement against the two Provincial Connsels of Wales and the North, said to the King ; ** There was ** nothing there but a kind of confusion and hotch potch of justice; ** one while they were a Star Chamber, another while a King's Bench, * another a common place, another a commission of Oyer and Ter“ miner.” His Majesty answered, “ Why, Sir Edward Cook, the * be like houses in progress, where I have not, nor can have, suc “ distinct rooms of state as I have here at Whitehall or at Hampton ** Court.”

6. The Commissioners of the Treasure moved the King for the relief of his estate, to disafforest some forests of his, explaining themselves of such forests as lay out of the way, not near any of the King's houses, nor in the course of his progress, whereof he should never have use nor pleasure. Why," saith the King, “ do “ you think that Solomon had use and pleasure of all his three hun** dred concubines.”

7. His Majesty, when the Committees of both Houses of Parliament presented unto him the instrument of Union of England and Scotland, was merry with them ; and amongst other pleasant speeches shewed unto them the Laird of Lawreston, a Scotchmam, who was the tallest and greatest man that was to be seem, and said, “ Well, now we are all one, yet none of you will say but here is one ** Scotchman greater than any Englishman ;'* which was an ambi** guous speech ; but it was thought he meant it of himself.” 8. His Majesty would say to the Lords of his Council when the sat upon amy great matter, and came from council in to him, “ Well, “ you have set, but what have you hatcht !” 9. Queen Elizabeth was importuned much by my Lord of Essex to supply divers great offices that had been long void, the Queen answered nothing to the inatter, but rose up on the sudden, and said, ** I am sure my office will not be long void.” And yet at that time there was much speech of troubles and divisions about the Crown to be after her decease : but they all vanished, and King James came in in a profound peace. 1o. King Henry the Fourth of France was so punctual of his word after it was ónce passed, that they called him the King of the Faith. 1 1. The said King Henry the Fourth was moved by his Parliament to a war against the Protestants : he answered, “Yes, H mean “ it ; I will make every one of you Captains ; you shall have con** panies assigned you.” The Parliament observing whereunto his speech tended, gave over, and deserted his motion. 12. A great officer at Court, when my Lord of Essex was first in trouble, and that he and those that dealt for him would talk much of my Lord's friends and of his enemies, answered to one of them, I will tell you, I know but one friend and one enemy ** my Lord hath ; and that one friend is the Queen, and that one ** eniemv is himself.” 13. The Lord Keeper, Sir Nicholas Bacon, was asked his opinion by my I.ord of Leicester, concerning two persons whom the §î sëemed to think well of: “ By my troth, my Lord,** said he, ** the ** one is a grave Counsellor, the other is a proper young man ; and ** so he will be as long as he lives.” 14. My Lord of Leicester, favourite to Queen Elizabeth, was making a large chacé about Cornbury Park, meaning to enelose it* with posts and rails, and one day was casting up his charge what it would come to ; Mr. Goldingham, a free-spoken man, stood by, and said to my Lord ; ** Methinks your Lordship goeth not the “ cheapest way to work.” “ Why, Goldingham ?* säid my Lord. “ Marry, my Lord,*' said Goldingham, ** Count you but upon the *' posts, for the country will find you railing.” 13. The Earl of Northampton, then Lord Privy Seal, was asked by King James openly at the table, where commonly he entertained the King with discourse, the King asked him upon the sudden, ** My “ Lord, have you not a desire to see Rome?” My Lord Privy Seäi answered, “ Yes indeed Sir.'' The King said, ** And why? My. Lord answered, “ Because, ifit please yoür Majesty, it was the seat ** of the greatest monarchy, and the seminary of the bravest men of “ the world, whilst it was heathen : and then, secondly, because ** afterwards it was the see of so many holy bishops in the primitive “ church, most of them martyrs The King would not give it

over, but said, “ And for nothing else?” My Lord answered, ** Yes, ** ifit please your Majesty, for two things more: the one to see him, ** who they say hath so great a power to forgive other men their ** sins, to confess his own sins upon his knees before a chaplain ** or priest : and the other to hear Antichrist say his creed.” 16. Sir Nicholas Bacon being appointe! a Judge for the Northerm Circuit, and having brought his trials that came defore liim to such a pass, as the passing of sentence on malefactors, he was by one of the malefactors mightily importuned for to save his life, which when nothing that he had said did avail, he at length desired his inercy on the account of kindred. Pr'ythee, said my I.ord Judge, how came that in ? Why, if it please you, my Lord, your name is Bacon and mine is Hog, and in all ages hog and baeon have been so near kindred that they are not to be separated. * Ay, but,'' replied Judge Bacon, ** you and I cannot be kindred except you be hanged; for hog is not bacon until it be well hanged." 17. Two scholars and a countryman travelling upon the road, one night lodged all in one inn and supped together, where the scholars thought to have put a trick upon the countryinan, which was thus : the scholars appointed for supper two pigeons and a fat capon, which being ready was brought up, and they having sat down, the one scholar took up one pigeon, the other scholar took the other pigeon, thinking theréby that the countryman should have sat stilI ìntil that they were ready for the carving of the capon, which he perceiving, toök the capon and laid it on his trencher, and thus said, * Daintily contrived, every one a bird." 18. A man and his wife iii bed together, she towards morning pretended herself to be ill at ease, desiring to lie on her husband's $ide ; so the good man to please her came over her, making some short stay in his passage over, where she had not long lain, but desired to lie in her old place again ; quoth he, how can it be effected ? she answered, come over me again ; ** I had rather,” said he, ** go ** a mile and a half aboi:t.” 10. A thief being arraigned at the bar for stealing a mare, in his pleading urged many things in his own behalf, and at last nothing availing, he told the Bench the mare rather stole him than he the mare, which in brief he thus related : that passing over several grounds about his lawful occasions, he was pu:rsued close by a fierce mastiff dog, and so was forced to save himself by lea inig over a hedge, which being of an agile body he effected, and in leaping, a mare standing on the other side of the hedge, leaped upön her back, who running furiously away with him, he could not by any means stop her until he came to the next town, in which town the owner of the mare lived, and there was he taken and here arraigned. 20. A notorious rogue being brought to the bar, and knowing his ease to be desperate, instead of pleading, he took to himself the liberty of jesting, and thus said, ** 1 charge you in the King's “ name, to seize and take away that man (meaning the Judge) in “ the red gown, for I go in daiiger of my life because of him.” 21- A rough hewn seaman being broüght before a wise Just-ass for songe misdemeanour, was by hiin sent away to prison; and bein somewhat refractory after he heard his doom, insoimuch ás he woul not stir a foot from the place he stood, saying, ** It were better to

“ stand where he was than go to a wgrse place.” , The Justice thereupon to shew the strength of his learning, took him by the shoulder, and said, ** Thou shalt go, * Nogus vogus,'* instead of * Nolens volens.' 22. A debauched seaman being brought before a Justice of the Peace upon the account of swearing, was by the Justice commanded to deposit his fine in that behalf provided, which was two shillings, he thereupon plucking out of his pocket a half-crown, asked the Justice what was the rate he was to pay for cursing ; the Justice told him sixpence ; quoth he, then “ Apox take you all for a company ** of knaves ô] fools, and there's half-a-crown for you, I will never ** stand changing of money * 22. A witty rogue coming into a lace shop, said he had occasion for some lace, choice whereof being shewed him, he at last pitched upon one pattern, and asked them how much they would have for só much as would reach from ear to ear, for so much he had occasion for; they told him for so much : so some few words passing between them, he at last agreed, and told down his money for it, and began to measure on his own head, thus saying, “ One ear is ** here, and the other is nailed to the pillory in Bristol, and I fear ** you have not so much of this lace by you at Ę; as will perfect “ my bargain ; therefore this piece of lace shall suffice at present in “ part of payment, and provide the rest with all expedition.” 24. A woman being suspected by her husbandfor dishonesty, and being byhim at last pressed very hard about it, made him quick answer with many protestations, ** That she knew no more of what he said “ than the man in the moon :” Now the captain of the ship called “ The Moon,” was the very man she so much loved. 25. An apprentice of London being brought before the Chamberlain by his master, for the sin of incontinency, even with his own mistress ; the Chamberlain thereupon gave him many Christian exhortations, and at last he mentioned and pressed the chastity of Joseph when his mistress tempted him with the like crime of incontinency. “ Ay, Sir,” said the apprentice, “ but if Joseph's mistress ** had been as handsome as mine is, he could not have forborn.” 26 When my Lord President of the Council was newly advanced to the Great Seal, Gondoinar caine to visit him; my said, “ That he was to thauk God and the King for that honour; “ but yet, so he might be rid of the burthen, he could very willingly ** forbear the honour. And that he formerly had a desire, and the ** same continued with him still, to lead a private life.” Gondomar answered that he would tell him a tale, ** Of an old rat that “ would needs leave the world: and acquainted the young rats : that he wguld retire into his hole, and spend his days solitarily ; ** and would enjoy no more comfort: and coinmanded them upon íii$ ** high Š not t9 offer to come in unto him. They forbore “ two or three days ; at last, one that was more hardy than'the rest, “ incited some of his fellows to go in with him, and he would ven. : ture tq see hgy his father did; for he might be dead. They went “ in, and found the old rat sitting in the miidst of a rich Paftmesam “cheese.'' So he applied the fable after his witty manner. 27. Mr. Houland, in conference with a young student, arguing a ease, happened.to. say, “ I would ask you δut this question.'* fic student presently intérrupted him to give him an ahswer. where.

unto Mr. Houland gravely said; “ Nay, though I ask you a ques** tion, yet I did not meam you should answer me, I mean to answer ** myself.”

38. At an act of the commencement, the answerer gave for his question, “ That an aristocracy was better than a monarchy.° The replier, who was a dissolute man, did tax him, that being a private bred man he would give him a question of state. The answerer said, that the replier did much Wrong the privilege of scholars, who would be much straitened if they should give questions of nothing but such things wherein they are practised ; and added, “ We have heard yourself dispute of virtue, which no man will say ** you put much in practice.”

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