Famine, Lent, and dessolation, sit in onyonskind jackets before the doore of his indurance, as a Chorus in the Tragedy of Hospitality, to tell hunger & poverty thers no reliefe for them there and in the inner part of this ugly habitation stands Greedinesse, prepared to devoure all that enter, attyred in a Capouch of written parchment, buttond downe before with Labels of waxe, and lin'd with sheepes fells for warmenes: his cap furd with cats skinnes, after the Muscovie fashion, and all to be tasseld with Angle-hookes, in stead of Aglets, ready to catch hold of all those to whom hee shewes any humblenes : for his breeches, they were made of the lists of broad cloaths, which he had by letters pattents assured him and his heyres, to the utter overthrowe of Bowcases and cushin makers, and bumbasted they were, like Beere barrels, with statute Marchants and forfeitures: but of all, his shooes were the strangest, which, being nothing else but a couple of crab shells, were toothd at the toes with two sharp sixpennie nailes, that digd up every dunghill they came by for gold, and snarld at the stones as hee went in the street, because they weare so common for men, women, and children, to tread upon, and hee could not devise how to wrest an odde fine out of any of them.

Thus walks hee up and downe all his life time, with an yron crow in his hand instead of a staffe, and a Sarjants Mace in his mouth, (which night and day he gnaws upon) and either busies himselfe in setting silver lime twigs, to entangle yoong Gentlemen, and casting foorth silken shraps, to catch Woodcocks, or in syving of Muckehills and shop-dust, whereof he will boult a whole cartload to gaine a bowd Pinne.

On the other side, Dame Niggardize, his wife, in a sedge rugge kirtle, that had beene a mat time out of minde, a coarse hempen raile about her shoulders, borrowed of the one end of a hop-bag, an apron made of Almanackes out of date, (such as stand upon screens, or on the backside of a dore in a Chandlers shop) & an old wives pudding pan on her head, thrumd with the parings of her nailes, sate barrelling up the droppings of her nose, in steede of oil, to saime wool withall, and would not adventure to spit without halfe a dozen of porrengers at her

ebow.

The house, (or rather the hell) where these two Earthwormes encaptived this beautifull Substaunce, was vast, large, strong built, and well furnished, all save the Kitchin: for that was no bigger than the Cooks roome in a ship, with a little

court chimney, about the compasse of a Parenthesis in proclamation-print; then judge you what diminutive dishes came out of this doves-neast. So likewise, of the Buttrie: for whereas in houses of such stately foundation, that are built to outward shewe so magnificent, every Office is answerable to the Hall, which is principall, there the Buttrie was no more but a blind Cole-house, under a paire of stayres, wherein (uprising & down lying) was but one single kilderkin of small beere, that wold make a man, with a carrouse of a spooneful, runne through an Alphabet of faces. Nor usd they any glasses or cups (as other men), but onely little farthing ounce boxes, whereof one of them fild up with froath (in manner and forme of an Ale-house) was a meales allowance for the whole houshold. It were lamentable to tell what miserie the Rattes and Myce endured in this hard world: how, when all supply of vitualls failed them, they went a Boot-haling one night to Sinior Greedinesse bed-chamber, where finding nothing but emptines and vastitie, they encountred (after long inquisitiō) with a cod-peece. . . Uppon that they set, and with a couragious assault rent it cleane away from the breeches, and then carried it in triumph, like a coffin, on their shoulders betwixt them. The verie spiders and dust weavers, that wont to set up their loomes in every windowe, decaied and undone through the extreame dearth of the place, (that affoorded them no matter to worke on) were constrained to breake, against their wills, and goe dwell in the countrey, out of the reach of the broome and the wing: and generally, not a flea nor a cricket that carried anie brave minde, that would stay there after he had once tasted the order of their fare. Onely unfortunate golde (a predestinat slave to drudges and fooles) lives in endlesse bondage ther amongst them, and may no way be releast, except you send the rot halfe a yeare amongst his keepers, and so make them away with murrion, one after another.

O but a far greater enormitie raigneth in the heart of the Court Pride, the perverter of all Vertue, sitteth appareled in the Merchants spoiles, and ruine of yoong Citizens, and scorneth Learning, that gave their up-start Fathers titles of Gentry.

All malcontent sits the greasie sonne of a Cloathier, and complaines (like a decaied Earle) of the ruine of ancient houses: whereas, the Weavers loomes first framed the web of his honour, and the locks of wool, that bushes and brambles have tooke for

toule of insolent sheepe, that would needs strive for the wall of a fir-bush, have made him of the tenths of their tarre, a Squier of low degree and of the collections of the scatterings, a Justice, Tam Marti quam Mercurio, of Peace and of Coram. Hee will bee humorous, forsoth, and have a broode of fashions by himselfe. Sometimes (because Love commonly weares the liverey of Witte) hee will be an Inamorato Poeta, and sonnet a whole quire of paper in praise of Lady Swin-snout, his yeolow-fac'd Mistres, and weare a feather of her rain-beaten fanne for a favor, like a sore-horse. Al Italionato is his talke, and his spade peake is as sharpe as if he had been a Pioner before the walls of Roan. Hee will despise the barbarisme of his owne Countrey, and tell a whole Legend of lyes of his travailes unto Constantinople. If he be challenged to fight, for his delaterye excuse, hee objects that it is not the custome of the Spaniard, or the Germaine, to looke backe to every dog that barkes. You shall see a dapper Jacke, that hath beene but over at Deepe, wring his face round about, as a man would stirre up a mustard pot, and talk English through the teeth, like Jaques Scabd-hams, or Monsieur Mingo de Moustrap: when (poore slave) he hath but dipt his bread in wilde Boares greace, and come home againe or beene bitten by the shinnes by a Wolfe and faith, he hath adventured uppon the Barricadoes of Gurney, or Guingan, and fought with the yoong Guise hand to hand.

Some thinke to be counted rare Politicians and Statesmen, by beeing solitary as who should say, I am a wise man, a brave man, Secreta mea mihi: Frustra sapit, qui sibi non sapit and there is no man worthy of my companie or friendship when, although he goes ungartred like a malecontent Cutpursse, and wearres his hat over his eies like one of the cursed crue, yet cannot his stabbing dagger, or his nittie lovelocke, keepe him out of the Legend of fantasticall cockscombs. I pray ye, good Mounsier Divell, take some order, that the streetes be not pestered with them so as they are. Is it not a pitiful thing that a fellow that eates not a good meales meat in a weeke, but beggereth his belly quite and cleane, to make his backe a certaine kind of a brokerly Gentleman: and nowe & then (once or twice in a Tearme) comes to the eighteene pence Ordenary, because hee would be seen amongst Cavaliers and brave courtyers, living otherwise all the yeere long with salt Butter & Holland cheese in his chamber, should take uppe a scornfull melancholy in his gate and countenance, course

& talke, as though our common-welth were but a mockery of government, and our Majestrates fooles, who wronged him in not looking into his deserts, not imploying him in State matters, and that, if more regard were not had of him very shortly, the whole Realme should have a misse of him, & he would go (I mary would he) where he should be more accounted off.

Is it not wonderfull ill-provided, I say, that this disdainfull companion is not made one of the fraternity of Foole, to talke before great States, with some olde mothe-eaten Polititian, of mending high waies, and leading Armies into Fraunce?

A young Heyre, or Cockney, that is his Mothers darling, if he have playde the waste-good at the Innes of the Court, or about London, and that neither his Students pension, nor his unthriftes credite, will serve to maintaine his Collidge of whores any longer, falles in a quarrelling humor with his fortune, because she made him not King of the Indies, and sweares and stares, after ten in the hundreth, that nere a such Pesant, as his Father or brother, shall keepe him under: hee will to the sea, and teare the gold out of the Spaniards throats, but he will have it, byrladie: and when he comes there, poore soule, hee lyes in brine, in Balist, and is lamentable sicke of the scurvies: his daintie fare is turned to a hungry feast of Dogs and Cats, or Haberdine and poore John, at the most, and which is the lamentablest of all, that without Mustard.

As a mad Russion, on a time, being in daunger of shipwrack by a tempest, and seeing all other at their vowes and praiers, that if it would please God, of his infinite goodnesse, to delyver them out of that imminent daunger, one woulde abjure this sinne whereunto he was adicted: an other, make satisfaction for that vyolence he had committed: he, in a desperate jest, began thus to reconcile his soule to heaven.

O Lord, if it may seeme good to thee to deliver me from this feare of untimely death, I vowe before thy Throne, and all thy starry Host, never to eate Haberdine more whilest I live.

Well, so it fell out, that the sky cleared and the tempest ceased, and this carelesse wretche, that made such a mockery of praier, readie to set foote a Land, cryed out: not without Mustard, good Lord, not without Mustard: as though it had been the greatest torment in the world, to have eaten Haberdine without Mustard. But this by the But this by the way, what pennance can be

greater for Pride, than to let it swinge in hys owne halter? Dulce bellum inexpertis: theres no man loves the smoake of his owne Countrey, that hath not been syngde in the flame of another soyle. It is a pleasant thing, over a full pot, to read the fable of thirstie Tantalus: but a hard matter to digest salt meates at Sea, with stinking water.

Anoth misery of Pride it is, when men that have good parts, and beare the name of deepe scholers, cannot be content to participate one faith with all Christendome, but, because they will get a name to their vaineglory they will set their selfelove to study to invent new sects of singularitie, thinking to live when they are dead, by having their sects called after their names, as Donatists of Donatus, Arrians of Arrius, & a number more new faith-founders, that have made England the exchange of Innovations, & almostas much confusion of Religion in every Quarter, as there was of tongues at the building of the Tower of Babell. Whence, a number that fetch the Articles of their Beleefe out of Aristotle, & thinke of heaven and hell as the Heathen Philosophers, take occasion to deride our Ecclesiasticall State, all ceremonies of Divine worship, as bug-beares and scar-crowes, because (like Herodes souldiers) we divide Christs garment amongst us in so many peeces, and of the vesture of salvation make some of us Babies & apes coates, and others straight trusses & Divells breeches: some gally-gascoines, or a shipmans hose, like the Anabaptists & adulterous Familists: others with the Martinists, a hood with two faces, to hide their hypocrisie and, to conclude, some, like the Barrowists and Greenwodians, a garment full of the plague, which is not to be worne before it be new washt.

Hence Atheists triumph and rejoyce, and talke as prophanely of the Bible, as of Bevis of Hampton. I heare say there be Mathematitions abroad that will proove men before Adam, and they are harboured in high places, who will maintaine it to the death, that there are no divells.

It is a shame (senior Belzibub!) that you should suffer your selfe thus to be tearmed a bastard, or not approve to your predestinate children, not only that they have a father, but that you are hee that must owne them. These are but the suburbes of the sinne we have in hand: I must describe to you a large cittie, wholly inhabited with this damnable enormitie.