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That then she mounts by just degrees
“ From the feet upward to the head”-
Hence, long before the child can crawl,
Again ; as she grows something stronger,
* Now mark, dear Richard, from the age
“ Hence for some years they ne'er stand still:
• To her next stage as Alma flies,
* Another motion now she makes :
In dying accents he complains -
“ But, O my Muse, just distance keep;
Dick, who thus long had passive sat,
Loye's advocates! Dick, who are those ?"“ The poets, you may well suppose. I'm sorry, sir, you have discarded The men with whom till now you herded. Prose-men alone, for private ends, I thought, forsook their ancient friends. In cor stillavit, cries Lucretius ; If he may be allow'd to teach us. The self-same thing soft Ovid says, (A proper judge in such a case,) Horace's phrase is, lorrel jecur ; And happy was that curious speaker. Here Virgil 100 has plac'd this passion. What signifies too long quotation ? In ode and epic, plain the case is, That Love holds one of these two places.”
“ Dick, without passion or reflection, I'll straight demolish this objection.
“ Firsi, poeis, all the world agrees,
That Cupid goes with bow and arrows,
Such images have sometimes shown
Keep time with their own trumpet's measure, A mystic sense, but oftener none.
And yield them most excessive pleasure. For who conceives, what bards devise,
“Now, if 'tis chiefly in the heart That Heaven is plac'd in Celia's eyes;
That Courage does itself exert, Or where's the sense, direct and moral,
'Twill be prodigious hard to prove That teeth are pearl, or lips are coral ?
That this is eke the throne of Love. "Your Horace owns, he various writ,
Would Nature make one place the seat As wild or sober maggots bit:
Of fond desire, and fell debate ? And, where too much the poet ranted,
Must people only take delight in The sage philosopher recanted.
Those hours, when they are tir'd of fighting? His grave Epistles may disprove
And has no man, but who has kill'd The wanton Odes he made to Love.
A father, right to get a child ? “ Lucretius keeps a mighty pother
These notions then I think but idle ; With Cupid and his fancied mother;
And Love shall still possess the middle. Calls her great queen of Earth and Air,
“This truth more plainly to discover, Declares that winds and seas obey her;
Suppose your hero were a lover. And, while her honor he rehearses,
Though he before had gall and rage, Implores her to inspire his verses.
Which death or conquest must assuage, “Yet, free from this poetic madness,
He grows dispirited and low; Next page he says, in sober sadness,
He hates the fight, and shuns the foe. That she and all her fellow-gods
“In scornful sloth Achilles slept, Sit idling in their high abodes,
And for his wench, like Tall-boy, wept: Regardless of this world below,
Nor would return to war and slaughter, Our health or hanging, weal or woe;
Till they brought back the parson's daughter. Nor once disturb their heavenly spirits
" Antonius fled from Actium's coast, With Scapin's cheats, or Caesar's merits.
Augustus pressing, Asia lost : “Nor e'er can Latin poets prove
His sails by Cupid's hands unfurld, Where lies the real seat of Love.
To keep the fair, he gave the world. Jecur they burn, and cor they pierce,
Edward our Fourth, rever'd and crown'd, As either best supplies their verse;
Vigorous in youth, in arms renown'd, And, if folks ask the reason for't,
While England's voice, and Warwick's care, Say, one was long, and t'other short.
Design'd him Gallia's beauteous heir, Thus, I presume, the British Muse
Chang'd peace and power for rage and wars, May take the freedom strangers use.
Only to dry one widow's tearsIn prose our property is greater :
“France's fourth Henry we may see Why should it then be less in metre?
A servant to the fair d'Estree; If Cupid throws a single dart,
When, quitting Coutras' prosperous field, We make him wound the lover's heart :
And Fortune taught at length to yield, But, if he takes his bow and quiver,
He from his guards and midnight tent 'Tis sure he must transfix the liver :
Disguis'd o'er hills and valleys went, For rhyme with reason may dispense,
To wanton with the sprightly dame, And sound has right to govern sense.
And in his pleasure lost his fame. “But let your friends in verse suppose,
“Bold is the critic who dares prove What ne'er shall be allow'd in prose;
These heroes were no friends to love ; Anatomists can make it clear,
And bolder he, who dares aver The Liver minds his own affair ;
That they were enemies to war. Kindly supplies our public uses,
Yet, when their thought should, now or never And parts and strains the vital juices;
Have rais'd their heart, or fir'd their liver,
Fond Alma to those parts was gone,
Which Love more justly calls his own.
“Examples I could cite you more;
But be contented with these four :
For when one's proofs are aptly chosen,
Four are as valid as four dozen.
One came from Greece, and one from Rome;
The other two grew nearer home.
For some in ancient books delight;
Others prefer what moderns write :
Now I should be extremely loth,
Not to be thought expert in both.”
“But shall we take the Muse abroad Must give their stomach cruel twitches.
To drop her idly on the road ?
And leave our subject in the middle,
As Butler did his Bear and Fiddle ?
Yet he, consummate master, knew,
When to recede, and where pursue :
His noble negligences teach
“My preface tells you, I digress'd : He's half absolv'd who has confess'd."
“I like," quoth Dick, “your simile,
“ Richard," quoth Mat," these words of thine
“ As people marry now, and settle,
“And now your matrimonial Cupid,
The man suspects his lady's crying
“ Thus having strove some tedious years
“Poltis, that generous king of Thrace, I think, was in this very case. All Asia now was by the ears, And gods beat up for volunteers To Greece and Troy; while Poltis sat In quiet governing his state. * And whence,' said the pacific king, • Does all this noise and discord spring ?' Why, Paris took Atrides' wife.'With ease I could compose this strife : The injur'd hero should not lose, Nor the young lover want a spouse. But Helen chang'd her first condition, Without her husband's just permission. What from the dame can Paris hope? She
may as well from him elope. Again, how can her old good man, With honor, take her back again? From hence I logically gather, The woman cannot live with either. Now, I have two right honest wives, For whose possession no man strives : One to Atrides I will send, And t other to my Trojan friend. Each prince shall thus with honor have What both so warmly seem to crave : The wrath of gods and man shall cease, And Poltis live and die in peace.'
“ Dick, if this story pleaseth thee, Pray thank Dan Pope, who told it me.
“Howe'er swift Alma's flight may vary, (Take this by way of corollary) Some limbs she finds the very same, In place, in dignity, in name : These dwell at such convenient distance, That each may give his friend assistance. Thus he who runs or dances begs The equal vigor of two legs ; So much to both does Alma trust, She ne'er regards which goes the first. Teague could make neither of them stay, When with himself he ran away. The man who struggles in the fight, Fatigues left arm as well as right; For, whilst one hand exalts the blow, And on the earth extends the foe, T'other would take it-wondrous ill, If in your pocket it lay still. And, when you shoot, and shut one eye, You cannot think he would deny To lend the other friendly aid, Or wink as coward, and afraid. No, sir; whilst he withdraws his flame, His comrade takes the surer aim : One moment if his beams recede, As soon as e'er the bird is dead,
Opening again, he lays his claim
Her tallies useless lie, and idle, To half the profit, half the fame,
If plac'd exactly in the middle : And helps to pocket up the game.
But, forc'd from this unactive state 'Tis thus one tradesman slips away,
By virtue of some casual weight, To give his partner fairer play.
On either side you hear them clatter, "Some limbs again, in bulk or stature
And judge of right and left hand matter. Unlike, and not akin by nature,
“Now, Richard, this coercive force, In concert act, like modern friends,
Without your choice, must take its course ; Because one serves the other's ends.
Great kings to wars are pointed forth, The arm thus waits upon the heart,
Like loaded needles to the north. So quick to take the bully's part,
And thou and I, by power unseen, That one, though warm, decides more slow Are barely passive, and suck'd-in Than t'other executes the blow.
To Henault's vaults, or Celia's chamber, A stander-by may chance to have it,
As straw and paper are by amber. Ere Hack himself perceives he gave it.
If we sit down to play or set, “ The amorous eyes thus always go
(Suppose at ombre or basset) A-strolling for their friends below;
Let people call us cheats or fools, For, long before the squire and dame
Our cards and we are equal tools. Have tête-à-tête reliev'd their flame,
We sure in vain the cards condemn: Ere visits yet are brought about,
Ourselves both cut and shuffled them. The eye by sympathy looks out,
In vain on Fortune's aid rely: Knows Florimel, and longs to meet her,
She only is a stander-by. And, if he sees, is sure to greet her,
Poor men! poor papers! we and they Though at sash-window, on the stairs,
Do some impulsive force obey : At court, nay (authors say) at prayers.
And are but play'd with—do not play. “The funeral of some valiant knight
But space and matter we should blame; May give this thing its proper light.
They palm'd the trick that lost the game. View his two gauntlets; these declare
“Thus, to save further contradiction That both his hands were us’d to war.
Against what you may think but fiction, And from his two gilt spurs 'tis learn’d
I for attraction, Dick, declare : His feet were equally concern'd.
Deny it those bold men that dare. But have you not, with thought, beheld
As well your motion, as your thought, The sword hang dangling o'er the shield ? Is all by hidden impulse wrought : Which shows the breast, that plate was us'd to, Ev'n saying that you think or walk, Had an ally right arm to trust to:
How like a country squire you talk! And, by the peep-holes in his crest,
“ Mark then ;
-Where fancy, or desire, Is it not virtually confest,
Collects the beams of vital fire ; That there his eyes took distant aim,
Into that limb fair Alma slides, And glanc'd respect to that bright dame,
And there, pro tempore, resides. In whose delight his hope he center'd,
She dwells in Nicolini's tongue, And for whose glove his life was ventur'd ? When Pyrrhus chants the heavenly song. “Objections to my general system
When Pedro does the lute command, May rise, perhaps; and I have mist them ; She guides the cunning artist's hand. But I can call to my assistance
Through Macer's gullet she runs down, Proximity (mark that!) and distance;
When the vile glutton dines alone. Can prove, that all things, on occasion,
And, void of modesty and thought, Love union, and desire adhesion;
She follows Bibo's endless draught. That Alma merely is a scale,
Through the soft sex again she ranges, And motives, like the weights, prevail.
As youth, caprice, or fashion, changes. If neither side turn down nor up,
Fair Alma, careless and serene, With loss or gain, with fear or hope,
In Fanny's sprightly eyes is seen; The balance always would hang even,
While they diffuse their infant beams, Like Mab'met's tomb, 'twixt Earth and Heaven. Themselves not conscious of their flames “This, Richard, is a curious case :
Again fair Alma sits confest Suppose your eyes sent equal rays
On Florimel's experter breast ; Upon two distant pots of ale,
When she the rising sigh constrains, Not knowing which was mild or stale :
And, by concealing, speaks her pains. In this sad state your doubtful choice
In Cynthia's neck fair Alma glows, Would never have the casting voice ;
When the vain thing her jewels shows : Which best or worst you could not think, When Jenny's stays are newly lac'd, And die you must for want of drink;
Fair Alma plays about her waist : Unless some chance inclines your sight,
And when the swelling hoop sustains Setting one pot in fairer light;
The rich brocade, fair Alma deigns Then you prefer or A, or B,
Into that lower space to enter, As lines and angles best agree:
Of the large round herself the centre. Your sense resolv'd impels your will:
“ Again: that single limb or feature, She guides your hand-s0 drink your fill.
(Such is the cogent force of Nature,) "Have you not seen a baker's maid
Which most did Alma's passion move Between two equal panniers sway'd ?
In the first object of her love,
For ever will be found confest,
“ Abelard ! ill-fated youth,
Next, Dick, as youth and habit sways,
“ If, while the Mind was in her leg,
“ If Alma, whilst the man was young,
“ Again: if in the female sex Alma should on this member fix, (A cruel and a desperate case, From which Heaven shield my lovely lass !)
For evermore all care is vain,
“You know a certain lady, Dick,
“But we'll descant on general nature : This is a system, not a satire.
“Turn we this globe, and let us see How different nations disagree In what we wear, or eat and drink; Nay, Dick, perhaps in what we think. In water as you smell and taste The soils through which it rose and past, In Alma's manners you may read The place where she was born and bred.
“One people from their swaddling-bands Releas'd their infants' feet and hands; Here Alma to these limbs was brought, And Sparta's offspring kick'd and fought.
“ Another taught their babes to talk,
“Observe but in these neighboring lands
“ In Britain's isles, as Heylin notes,
“In our fantastic climes, the fair
“We simple toasters take delight To see our women's teeth look white,