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Old father-i-law that shall be?? Do you

think

I'll have any of the wits hang upon me after I am married once?

None of my kindred ever had before me. But where's this niece? Is it a fashion [her? In London to marry a woman, and never see Olde. Excuse the niceness, sir! that care's your friend; [seen her: Perhaps, had she been seen, you had never There's many a spent thing, call'd An't like your honour, [a countess, That lies in wait for her: at first snap she's Drawn with six mares thro' Fleet-street, and a coachman [tocks.Sitting bareheaded to their Flanders butThis whets him on.

Greg. Pray let's clap up the business, sir! I long to see her. Are you sure you have her? Is she not there already? Hark, hark, oh, hark!

Oide. How now? what's that, sir?
Greg. Every caroch goes by,

Goes ev'n to th' heart of me.

Oldr. I'll have that doubt eas'd, sir, Instantly eas'd, sir Gregory: and, now I think on't,

[there; A toy comes i'my mind, seeing your friend We'll have a little sport, give you but way to't, [ciously! And put a trick upon her; I love wit preYou shall not be seen yet; we'll stale your friend first, [masque'. If't please but him to stand for th' anti

Greg. Pho, he shall stand for any thing (why his supper

[else.

Lies i'my breeches here); I'll make him fast Oldc. Then come you forth more unexpectedly,

The masque itself, a thousand a-year jointure: The cloud, your friend, will be then drawn away,

And only you the beauty of the play.

Greg. For red and black, I'll put down all your fullers;

three colours.

Let but your niece bring white, and we have [Exit Gregory. Oldc. I'm given to understand you are a wit, sir.. [favor to, sir. Cunn. I'm one that fortune shews small Oldc. Why, there you conclude it, whether you will or no, sir.

To tell you truth, I'm taken with a wit.

Cunn. Fowlers catch woodcocks so; let not them know so much!

Oldc. A pestilence mazard! a duke Hum¬ phrey spark,

H' had rather lose his dinner than his jest!I say, I love a wit the best of all things. Cunn. Always except yourself.

Olde. H'has giv'n't me twice now

Enter Niece and Guardianess.

All with a breath, I thank him! But that I love a wit,

I should be heartily angry. Cuds, my niece! You know the business with her?

Cunn. With a woman?

'Tis ev'n the very same it was, I'm sure, Five thousand years ago, no fool can miss it. Olde. This is the gentleman I promis'd, To present to your affection.

Cunn. Ware that arrow!

[niece, [liking.

Olde. Deliver me the truth now of your Cann. I'm spoil'd already; that such poor lean game

Should be found out as I am!

Oldc. Go, set to her, sir.-Ha, ha, ha!

Cunn. How noble is this virtue in you, lady! Your eye may seem to commit a thousand slaughters

On your dull servants, which truly tasted
Conclude all in comforts.

Olde. Pho!

Niece. It rather shews

What a true worth can make, such as yours is. Olde. And that's not worth a groat.-How like you him, niece?

Niece. It shall appear how well, sir: I humbly thank you for him. [well, i'faith. Olde. Ha, ha! good gullery! he does it 'Slight, as if he meant to purchase Lip-land Hold, hold! bear off, I say! [there: 'Slid, your part hangs too long.

Cunn. My joys are mockeries.
Niece. You've both express'd a worthy care
and love, sir:

Had mine own eye been set at liberty [sir),
To make a publick choice (believe my truth,
It could not ha' done better for my heart
Than your good providence has.

[bard;

Olde. You will say so then! Alas, sweet niece, all this is but the scabNow I draw forth the weapon.

Niece. How!

Olde. Sir Gregory!

Approach, thou lad of thousands!

Enter Sir Gregory.
Greg. Who calls me?

2 Old father-i'-law that shall be.] But that 'tis plain he never could be. The mistaking of one letter for another is very usual; but here the editor has made a greater slip, and has changed one word for another. Uncle-in-law is what sir Gregory designs to call him. So in this act a little lower, the old knight says to sir Gregory,

Tush, nephew, I'll call you so,

And in act the third sir Gregory says to him,

It's as fine a noise, uncle, as heart can wish. We believe the text genuine, and the slip perhaps intentional. 3 Anti-mask.] This, I believe, properly means a masque of anticks.

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Niece. What motion's this? the model of
Nineveh+?

Oldc. Accost her daintily now, let me ad-
vise thee!

[on you. Greg. I was advis'd to bestow dainty cost Niece. You were ill-advis'd; back, and take better counsel! [cost You may have good for an angel: the least You can bestow upon a woman, sir, Trebles ten counsellors' fees; in lady-ware, You're over head and ears, ere you be aware. Faith, keep a batchelor still, and go to bowls, sir, [save, sir! Follow your mistress there, and prick and For other mistresses will make you a slave, sir.

Greg. So, so! I have my lerrepoop already. Olde. Why, how now, niece? this is the man, tell you! [but mock; Niece. He? bang him! Sir, I know you do This is the man, you would say. Oldc. The devil rides, I think! Cunn. I must use cunning here. [respect! Oldc. Make me not mad! use him with all This is the man, I swear.

[that!

Niece. 'Would you could persuade me to Alas, you cannot go beyond me, uncle: You carry a jest well, I must confess, For a man of your years; but

Olde. I'm wrought beside myself!

Cunn. [to the Guardianess] I ne'er beheld Comeliness 'till this minute.

Guard. Oh, good sweet sir, [woman! Pray offer not these words to an old gentleNiece. Sir! [ceeds thee. Cunn. Away, fifteen! here's fifty-one exNiece. What's the business?

Cunn. Give me these motherly creatures! Come, ne'er smother it;

[were ingrateful.

I know you are a teeming woman yet.
Guard. Troth, a young gentleman inight
do much, I think, sir.
Cunn. Go to then.
Guard. And I should play my part, or I
Niece. Can you so soon neglect me?
Cunn. Hence! I'm busy. [pudent baggage,
Olde. This cross point came in luckily. In-
Hang from the gentleman! art thou not
To be a widow's hind'rance? [asham'd

Cunn. Are you angry, sir? [shall desire Olde. You're welcome! pray court on: I Your honest wise acquaintance. Vex me not, After my care and pains to find a match for thee,

Lest I confine thy life to some out-chamber, Where thou shalt waste the sweetness of thy youth,

Like a consuming light in her own socket, And not allow'd a male-creature about thee!

A very monkey, thy necessity [sweeper
Shall prize at a thousand pound; a chimney-
At fifteen hundred.

Niece. But are you serious, uncle?
Oldc. Serious.

over

[man

Niece. Pray let me look upon the gentleWith more heed! then I did but hum him [sheets. In haste, good faith, as lawyers chancery Beshrew my blood, a tolerable man, Now I distinctly read him!

Greg. Hum, hum, hum!

[good pitch; Niece. Say he be black, he's of a very Well-ankled, two good confident calves, they look

As if they would not shrink at the ninth child; The redness in the face-why, that's in fashion,

Most of your high bloods have it; 'tis a sign Of greatness, marry;

'Tis to be taken down too with May-butter: I'll send to my lady Spend-tail for her medi

cine.

Greg. Lum te dum, dum, dum, de dum! Nicce. He's qualified too, believe me. Greg. Lum te dum, de dum, de dum! Niece. Where was my judgment? [te dum! Greg. Lum te dum, dum, dum, te dum, Niece. Perfection's cover'd mess.

Greg. Lum te dum, te dum, te dum! [sir, Niece. It smokes apparently. Pardon, sweet The error of my sex!

Oldc. Why, well said, niece!

[sir.

Upon submission, you must pardon her now, Greg. I'll do it by course: do you think I'm an ass, knight? [seal-office. Here's first my hand; now it goes to the Olde. Formally finish'd! How goes this suit forward? [mind, sir; Cunn. I'm taking measure of the widow's I hope to fit her heart.

Guard. Who would have dreamt [nutes! Of a young morsel now? Things come in miGreg. Trust him not, widow; he's a younger brother, [nothing. He'll swear and lie; believe me, he's worth Guard. He brings more content to a woman with that nothing, [any thing; Than he that brings his thousands without We have precedents for that amongst great ladies. [be in fashion

Oldc. Come, come! no language now shall But your love-phrase, the bell to procreation. [Exeunt.

Enter Sir Ruinous Gentry, Wittypate, and Priscian.

Witty. Pox, there's nothing puts me besides my wits,

+ The model of Nineveh.] The model of Nineveh appears to have been a puppet-show in great repute in the time of our authors. It is mentioned in the old comedy of Every Woman in her Humour, 1609, quarto, signature H. I have seen the city of new Nineveh, and JuJius Cæsar, acted by mammets.' It is also taken notice of by Ben Jonson in his Bartholomew-Fair, act v. scene 1.

But

But this fourth, this lay illiterate share;
There's no conscience in't.

Ruin. Sir, it has ever been so [where I am. Where I have practis'd, and must be still Nor has it been undeserv'd at the year's end, And shuffle the almanack together, vacations And term-times, one with another; tho' I say't,

My wife is a woman of a good spirit;
Then it is no lay-share.

Pris. Faith, for this five year,

Ego possum probare, I have had
A hungry penurious share with 'em,
And she has had as much as I always.

Witty. Present, or not present?

Pris. Residens aut non residens, per fidem! Witty. And what precedent's this for me? because

Your hic & hæc, turpis and qui mihi Discipulus brains (that never got any thing But by accidence and uncertainty)

Did allow it, therefore I must, that have grounded

Conclusions of wit, hereditary rules
From my father, to get by?

Ruin. Sir, be compendious;

Either take or refuse: I, will 'bate no token Of my wife's share; make even the last reckonings,

And either so unite, or here divide company. Pris. A good resolution, profecto! let every man

Beg his own way, and happy man be his dole! Witty. Well, here's your double share, and single brains,

Pol, adipol, here's toward; a castor ecastor for you!

I will endure it a fortnight longer, but

By these just five ends-

Pris. Take heed! five's odd;
Put both hands together or severally,
They are all odd unjust ends.

Witty. Medius fidius, hold your tongue!
I depose you from half a share presently else:
I will make you a participle, and decline you;
[juuction

now

You understand me! Be you a quiet conAmongst the undeclined; you and your Latin Ends shall go shift, solus cum solo, together else;

And then if ever they get ends of gold And silver, enough to serve that gerundine maw of yours, [stantly

That without do will end in di and dum in

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No other obstacles than those you speak of, They are but powder charges without pellets; You may safely front 'em, and warrant your own danger. Isir:

Greg. No other that I can perceive, i'faith, For I put her to't, and felt her as far as I could; And the strongest repulse was, she said, She would have a little soldier in me, That, if need were, I should defend her reputation.

Olde. And surely, sir, that is a principle Amongst your principal ladies: they require

valour

Either in a friend or a husband.

Greg. And I allow

Their requests i'faith, as well as any woman's
Heart can desire: if I knew where to get
Valour, I would as willingly entertain it
As any man that lows.

Olde. Breathes, breathes, sir; that's the sweeter phrase. [I'm in Greg. Blows for a soldier, i'faith, sir! and Practice that way.

Olde. For a soldier, I grant it.
Greg. 'Slid!

[too,

I'll swallow some bullets, and good round ones But I'll have a little soldier in me.

Ruin. Will you on and beg,

Or steal and be hang'd?

Greg. And some scholar she would have me besides.

Equality Olde. Tush, that shall be no bar'; it is a In a gentleman, but of the least question. Pris. Salvete, domini benignissimi, munificentissimi!

Olde. Salvete dicis ad nos? jubeo te salvere! Nay, sir, we have Latin, and other metal in us too, sir.

You shall see me talk with this fellow now.
Greg. I could find in my heart to talk with
If I could understand him.
[him too,

Pris. Charissimi“,
Doctissimique, domini, ex abundantiá

5 Greg. And some scholar she would have me besides, Tush, that shall be no bar, &c.] The impropriety of making sir Gregory both tell the tale and give the auswer, inclined me to prefix Oldcraft before Tush, that shall,&c. Simpson. Pris. Charissimi, doctissimique, domini, ex abundantia

Charitatis vestra estote propitii in me jejunum

Miserum.] Clarissimi I prefer to charissimi. Jejunum too I can by no means approve, tho' sense, because it is only an arbitrary reading of the editor of the copy of 1679. That of 1647, represents the passage thus; estole propitii in me junenem, which, tho' not sense, because not Latin, will yet be the hand-maid to lead us to what might very possibly have been the original reading; and that with no more trouble than turning of an à into a u-propitii in me juvenem. PP

VOL. III.

Sympson.

Charilatis

Charitatis vestræ estote propitii in me juvenem Miserum, pauperem, & omni consolatione exu[but I'll to him again.

lem!
Olde. A pretty scholar, by my faith, sir!
Greg. Does he beg or steal in this language,
can you tell, sir?

He may take away my good name from me,
And I ne'er the wiser.

Oldc. He begs, he begs, sir.

Pris. Ecce, ecce, in oculis lachrymarum flumen! in ore [pudentia; Fames sitisque; ignis in vultu, pudor & imIn omni parte necessitas & indigentia.

Olde. Audi tu bonus socius; tu es scholas ticus, sic intelligo,

Ego faciam argumentum.

Mark now, sir, now I fetch him up!

Greg. I've been fetch'd up a hundred times for this;

Yet I could never learn half so much.

Olde. Audi, & responde; hoc est argumentum: Nomen est [nunc, Nomen-ergo, quod est tibi nomen? Responde Responde argumentum meum. Have I not put him to't, sir?

Greg. Yes, sir, I think so. [penn'd speech, Witty. Step in the rascal is put out of his And he can go no further.

Olde. Cur non respondes?

Pris. O domine, tanta mea est miseria-
Witty. So! he's almost in again.

Pris. Ut nocte mecum pernoctet egestas, luce quotidie Paupertas habitet.

[responde

Oldc. Sed quod est tibi nomen ? & quis dedit? Argumentum.

Pris. Hem, hem!

Witty. He's dry; he hems: on quickly! Ruin. Courteous gentlemen, [fensive If the brow of a military face may not be ofTo your generous eye-balls, let his wounds

speak better than his words, [planted For some branch or small sprig of charity to be Upon this poor barren soil of a soldier.

Olde. How now! what, arins and arts both go a-begging?

Ruin. Such is the post-progress of cold charity now a-days, [so swift a motion Who (for heat to her frigid limbs) passes in That two at the least had need be to stay her.

Greg. Sir, let's reward 'em, I pray you;
and be gone!

If any quarrel should arise amongst us,
I am able to answer neither of them; his iron
And steel tongue is as hard as t'other's Latin

one.

Olde. Stay, stay, sir! I will talk a little with him first:

Let me alone with both! I will try whether they [love.Live by their wits or no; for such a man I And, what, you both beg together then?

Pris. Conjunctis manibus, profecto, domine. Ruin. With equal fortunes, equal distribution; [even There's not the breadth of a sword's point unIn our division.

Greg. What two qualities

Are here cast away upon two poor fellows! If a man had 'em that could maintain 'cm, what

A double man were that! If these two fellows Might be bought and sodden, and boil'd to a jelly,

And eaten fasting every morning, I do not Think but a man should find strange things in his stomach.

Olde. Come, sir, join your charity with mine, And we'll make up a couple of pence betwixt

us.

[for his penny, Greg. If a man could have a pennyworth I would bestow more money with 'em. Witty. Save you, gentlemen! How now? What, are you encounter'd here? What fel[a pair Olde. Faith, sir, here's Mars and Mercury; Of poor planets, it seems, that Jupiter Has turn'd out to live by their wits, and we About a little spark of charity

lows are these?

To kindle 'em a new fire.

[are e'eu

Witty. Stay, pray you stay, sir! You may abuse your charity, nay, make That goodness in you no better than a vice: So many deceivers walk in these shadows now-a-days,

That certainly your bounties were better spilt, Than reserv'd to so lewd and vicious uses.— Which is he that professes the soldier?

Ruin. He that professes his own profes sion, sir,

And the dangerous life he hath led in it
This pair of half-score years.

Witty. In what services have you been, sir? Ruin. The first that flesh'd me a soldier, sir, Was that great battle at Alcazar, in Barbary, Where the noble English Stukeley fell, and where

That royal Portugal Sebastian ended
His untimely days.

Witty. Are you sure Sebastian died there? Ruin. Faith, sir, there was some other rumour hop'd

7 The great battle at Alcazar in Barbary, where the noble English Stukeley fell, and where that royal Portugal Sebastian, &c.] The battle of Alcazar was fought in August, 1578. Don Sebastian, one of the kings who fell in that engagement, being not found after the battle, was for a long time supposed to have escaped, and reported to be living in several different countries. Of Stukeley, who appears to have been a dissolute Englishman, born in Devonshire, a volunteer in that battle, after having dissipated his property, an account may be seen in an old ballad published in Evans's collection, 1777, vol. ii. p. 103. See also an old play, entitled, The Battle of Alcazar, with the death of Captain Stukeley, 4to. 1594. R. Amongst

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Amongst us, that he, wounded, escap'd,
and touch'd
[country at home
On his native shore again; where finding his
Moredistress'd by the invasion of the Spaniard,
Than his loss abroad, forsook it, still sup-
porting

A miserable and unfortunate life,
Which where he ended is yet uncertain.
Witty. By my faith, sir,

He speaks the nearest fame of truth in this.
Ruin. Since, sir, I serv'd in France, the
Low Countries,

[port, Lastly, at that memorable skirmish at NewWhere the forward and bold Scot there spent his life

So freely, that from every single heart
That there fell, came home, from his re-
solution,

A double honour to his country.
Witty. This

Should be no counterfeit, sir.

Olde. I do not think he is, sir.

Witty. But, sir, methinks you do not shew the marks

Of a soldier: could you so freely scape, That you brought home no scars to be your chronicle? [in those parts Ruin. Sir, I have wounds, and many; but Where nature and humanity bids me shame To publish.

Witty. A good soldier cannot want Those badges.

Greg. Now am not I of

your mind

In that; for I hold him the best soldier
That scapes best: always at a mock-fencing 1°
I give him the best that has the fewest knocks.
Witty. Nay, I'll have a bout with your
scholar, too. To ask you

Why you should be poor, yet richly learn'd,
Were no question, at least, you can easily
answer it;
[serve

But whether you have learning enough to de-
To be poor or no (since poverty is commonly
The meed of learning) is yet to be tried:
You have the languages? I mean the chief,
As the Hebrew, Syriac, Greek, Latin, &c.
Pris. Aliquantulum; non totaliter, domine.
Olde. The Latin I have sufficiently tried
him in,
[grounded.
And I promise you, sir, he is very well
Witty. I will prove him in some of the rest.
Toia miois fatherois iste cock-scomboy?

Pris. Kay yonkeron nigitton oy fouleroi
asinisoy.

Witty. Cheateron ton biton?

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How the Trojans could hold out ten years' siege, [Achilles

As 'tis reported, against the Greeks: if Spoke but this tongue, I do not think but he Might have shaken down the walls in a sevennight,

And ne'er troubled the wooden horse.

Witty. I will try him so far as I can in the Syriac.

Kircom bragmen, shag a dou ma dell mathou.
Pris. Hashagath rubgabash shobos onoriadka.
Witty. Colpack rubasca, gnaverthem shig
shag.
[lashemech nagothi.
Pris. Napshamothem ribske bongomosh
Witty. Gentlemen, I have dope! any man,
that can,

Go further! I confess myself at a nonplus.
Greg. Faith, not I, sir; I was at my furthest
In my natural language; I was never double-
I thank my hard fortune.
[tongu'd,

Witty. Well, gentlemen,

"Tis pity (walk further off a little, my friends), say, 'tis pity such fellows, so endow'd,

I

So qualified with the gifts of nature and arts, Yet should have such a scarcity of fortune's benefits:

We must blame our iron-hearted age for it.

Olde. "Tis pity, indeed; and our pity shall speak

A little for 'em: come, sir! here's my groat. Witty. A groat, sir? oh fy! give nothing rather!

'Twere better you rail'd on 'em for begging, And so quit yourself: I am a poor gentleman, That have little but my wits to live on

Olde. Troth,

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8 Hop't amongst us.] Theobald and Seward would read, HOPт amongst us.

9 That memorable skirmish, &c.] This memorable skirmish at Newport happened on the 22d of July, 1600, between prince Albert and prince Maurice de Nassau; the former commander of the Spaniards, and the latter of the forces of the States-general. The Spaniards were worsted, and sustained the loss of 2000 men killed, besides a great number taken prisoners. This battle is mentioned in several contemporary writers; but we do not find the least notice taken in any of the accounts, of the forward and bold Scot, whose bravery is here celebrated by our authors. R.

104 cock-fencing.] Corrected by Sympson."

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