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Whose contents exhibit so often a hash,
WHITTLING-REV. J. PIERPONT.
The Yankee boy, before he's sent to school
Projectiles, music, and the sculptor's art,
Thus by his genius and his jack-knife driven
Make any jim-crack, musical or mute,
And when the thing is made, --whether it be
A SHORT SERMON ON MALT.-ANON.
MR. Dodd was a minister who lived many years ago a few miles from Cambridge ; and having several times been preaching against drunkenness, some of the Cambridge scholars (conscience which is sharper than a thousand witnesses, being their monitor) were very much offended, and thought he made reflections on them. Some time after, Mr. Dodd was walking towards Cambridge, and met some of the gownsmen, who, as soon as they saw him at a distance, resolved to make some ridicule of him. As soon as he came up, they accosted him with, “ Your servant, sir !” He replied, “ Your servant, gentlemen." They asked him if he had not been preaching very much against drunkenness of late ? He answered in the affirmative. They then told him they had a favor to beg of bim, and it was that he would preach a sermon to them there, from a text they should choose. He argued that it was an imposition, for a man ought to have some consideration before preaching. They said they would not put up with a denial, and insisted upon his preaching immediately (in a hollow tree which stood by the road side) from the word MALT. He then began, “ Beloved, let me crave your attention. I am a little man--come at a short notice—to preach a short sermon-from a short text-to a thin congregation—in an unworthy pulpitBeloved, my text is Malt. I cannot divide it into sentences, there being none; nor into words, there being but one; I must, therefore, of necessity, divide it into letters, which I find in my text to be these four-MALT
M is Moral.
“ The Moral, is to teach you rustics good manners; therefore, M, my Masters; A, All of you; L, Leave off; T, Tippling.
“The Allegorical is, when one thing is spoken of, and another meant. The thing spoken of is Malt; the thing meant is the spirit of Malt; which you rustics make M, your Meat; A, your Apparel; L, your Liberty; and T, your Trust.
“ The Literal is, according to the letters; M, Much ; A, Ale; L, Little ; T, Trust.
" The Theological is according to the effects it works in some, M, Murder; in others, A, Adultery; in all, L, Looseness of life; and in many, T, Treachery.
“I shall conclude the subject, First, by way of exhortation. M, my Masters; A, All of you; L, Listen; T, To my Text. Second, by way of Caution. M, My Masters; A, All of you ; L, Look for T, Truth. Third, by way of communicating the Truth, which is this: A drunkard is the annoy. ance of modesty; the spoil of civility; the destruction of
reason; the robber's agent; the alehouse's benefactor; his wife's sorrow; his children's trouble; his own shame; his neighbor's scoff; a walking swill-bowl; the picture of a beast; the monster of a man !"
THE NOSE VERSUS THE EYES.--CowPER.
BETWEEN nose and eyes a strange contest arose,
The spectacles set then unhappily wrong;
To which the said spectacles ought to belong.
So Tongue was the lawyer, and argued the cause,
With a great deal of skill, and a wig full of learning; While Chief Baron Ear sat to balance the laws,
So famed for his talent in nicely discerning.
« In behalf of the Nose, it will quickly appear,
And your lordship,” he said, “ will undoubtedly find, That the nose has had spectacles always to wear,
Which amounts to possession time out of mind."
Then holding the spectacles up to the court
“Your lordship observes they are made with a straddle, As wide as the ridge of the nose is !-in short,
Designed to sit close to it, just like a saddle.
“ Again, would your worship a moment suppose,
('Tis a case that has happened, and may be again,) That the visage or countenance had not a Nose,
Pray, who would, or who could, wear spectacles again? “ On the whole, it appears, and my argument shows,
With a reasoning the court will never condemn, That the spectacles were plainly made for the Nose,
And the Nose was as plainly intended for them."
Then shifting his side, (as a lawyer knows how.)
He pleaded again in behalf of the Eyes;
For the court did not think they were equally wise.
So his lordship decreed, with a grave, solemn tone,
Decisive and clear, without one if or but, That whenever the Nose put his spectacles on,
By day-light, or candle-light-Eyes should be shut.
A POLITICIAN.-G. A. STEVENS.
This was one of those many thousand individuals who swarm in and about London, whose times and minds are divided between the affairs of state and the affairs of a kitchen. He was anxious after venison and politics; he believed every cook to be a great genius; and to know how to dress a turtle, comprehended all the arts and sciences together. He was always hunting after newspapers, to read about battles; and imagined soldiers and sailors were only made to be knocked on the head, that he might read an account of it in the papers. He read every political pamphlet that was published on both sides of the question, and was always on his side whom he read last. And then he'd come home in a good or ill temper, and call for his night-cap, and pipes and tobacco, and send for some neighbors'to sit with him, and talk politics together.
“ How do you do, Mr. Costive? Sit down, sit down. Ay, these times are hard times; I can no more relish these times than I can a haunch of venison without sweet sauce to it; but, if you remember, I told you we should have warm work of it when the cook threw down the Kian pepper.
Ay, ay; I think I know a thing or two; I think I do—that's all. But, lud, what signifies what one knows? They don't mind me. You know, I mentioned at our club the disturbances in America, and one of the company took me up, and said, 'What signifios