« PreviousContinue »
Your charming boys, I see, are home,
From Reverend Mr. Russell's;
(What boots for my new Brussels !)
Well, now, I call that shabby!
(A flabby, dabby babby!)
And Mr. S., I hope he's well
But, though he lives so handy,
(The better for our brandy!)
About Matilda's marriage;
(Thank Heaven! I hear the carriage !)
What! must you go ?-next time, I hope,
You 'll give me longer measure.
(With most uncommon pleasure !)
In future, to the Skinners.)
YANKEE EATING. HALIBURTON.
Did you ever heer tell of Abernethy, a British doctor? said the clockmaker. Frequently, said I, he was an eminent man, and had a most extensive practice. Well, I reckon he was a vulgar critter that, he replied, he treated the hon'ble Alden Gobble, secretary to our legation at London, dreadful bad
once; and I guess if it had been me he had used that way, I'd a fixed his flint for him, so that he'd think twice "Not think, they'd shave !"-quoth Hodge, with wond'ring eyes, and voice not much unlike an Indian yell ; • What were they made for, then ? you dog!" he cries : i Made !" quoth the fellow, with a smile" to sell !"
DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.-KENNEY.
JEREMY DIDDLER AND SAM.
Did. Tol lol de riddle lol :-Eh! Looking through a glass at Sam.) The new waiter !-a very clod, by my hopes ! an untutored clod. My clamorous stomach, be of good cheer! Young man, how d'ye do? Step this way, will you. A novice, I perceive. And how d 'ye like your new line of life?
Sam. Why, very well, thank you. How do you like your old on? Did. (Aside.)
Disastrous accents ! a Yorkshireman ! What is your name my fine fellow?
Sam. Sam. You needn't tell me yours—I know you, my -fine fellow!
Did. (Aside.) Oh, Fame! Fame ! you incorrigible gossip! But nil desperandum,—at him again! (To Sam.) A prepossessing physiognomy, open and ruddy, importing health and liberality. Excuse my glass, I'm short-sighted. You have the advantage of me in that respect.
Sam. Yes, I can see as far as most folks.
Did. (Turning away.) Well, I 'll thank ye to--oh, Sam, you haven't got such a thing as tenpence about you,
Sam. Yes—(They look at each other— Diddler expecting to receive it,)—and I mean to keep it about me, you see.
Did. Oh-ay-certainly. I only asked for information.
Sam. Hark! there's the stage-coach comed in. I must go and wait
You'd better ax some of them--maybap, they mun gi' you a little better information.
upon the passengers.
Did. Stop! Harkye, Sam! you can get me some breakfast, first. I'm very sharp set, Sam; you see I came a long walk from over the hills, and—
Sam. Ay, and you see I come fra—Yorkshire.
Did. You do; your unsophisticated tongue declares it. Superior to vulgar prejudices, I honor you for it, for I'm sure you 'll bring me my breakfast as soon as any
other countryman. Sam. Ay; well,
have ? Did. Anything !-tea, coffee, an egg, and so forth. Sam. Well, now, one of us, you understand, in this transaction, mun have credit for a little while. That is, either I mun trust you for t’ money, or you mun trust me for t’ breakfast. Now, as you ’re above vulgar preju-prejudizes, and seem to be vastly taken wi' me, and, as I am not so conceited as to be above 'em, and a’n’t at all taken wi' you, you'd better give me the money, you see, and trust me for t breakfast—he! he! he !
Did. What d’ye mean by that, Sam ?
Sam. Oh! What--you don't like the terms – Why, then, as you sometimes sing for your dinner, now you may whistle for your breakfast, you see; he! he! he!
BLIND MAN'S BUFF.-HORACE SMITH.
THREE wags (whom some fastidious carpers might rather designate three sharpers) entered, at York, the Cat and Fiddle; and, finding that the host was out on business for two hours or more, while Sam, the rustic waiter, wore the visage of a simple lout, whom they might safely try to diddle, they ordered dinner in a canter-cold or hot, it mattered not, provided it was served instanter ;-and, as the heat had made them very dry and dusty in their throttles, they bade the waiter bring three bottles of prime old port, and one of sherry.
with ardor to the larder, then to the kitchen ; and, as he briskly went to work, he drew from the spit a roasted turkey, with sausages embellished, which in à trice upon the board was spread, together with a nice cold brisket; nor did he even obliviscate half a pig's head. To these succeeded puddings, pies, custards and jellies, all doomed to fall a sacrifice to their insatiable bellies, as if, like camels, they intended to stuff into their monstrous craws enough to satisfy their maws until their pilgrimage was ended. Talking, laughing, eating and quaffing, the bottles stood no moment still. They rallied Sam with joke and banter, and, as they drained the last decanter, called for the bill.
'Twas brought; when one of them, who eyed and added up the items, cried, “ Extremely moderate indeed! I'll make a point to recommend this inn to every travelling friend ; and you, Sam, shall be doubly fee'd." This said, a weighty purse he drew, when his companion interposed :-“ Nay, Harry, that will never do. · Pray, let your purse again be closed: you paid all charges yesterday; 'tis clearly now my turn to pay.” Harry, howevery wouldn't listen to any such insulting offer; his generous eyes appeared to glisten, indignant at the very prof. fer; and though his friend talked loud, his clangor served but to aggravate Hal's anger. “My worthy fellow," cried the third,“ now, really this is too absurd. What! do both of you forget I haven't paid a farthing yet? Am I eternally to cram at your expense ? 'Tis childish quite: I claim this payment as my right. Here, how much is the money, Sam ?"
To this most rational proposal the others gave such fierce negation, one might have fancied they were foes, all; so hot became the altercation, each in his purse his money rattling, insisting, arguing and battling. One of them cried, at last" A truce! This point we will no longer moot. Wrangling for trifles is no use ; and thus we'll finish the dispute :—That we may settle what we three owe, we'll blindfold Sam; and whichsoe'er he catches of us first shall bear
the expenses of the trio, with half a crown (if that's enough) to Sam, for playing blind man's buff." Sam sed it hugely; thought the
ransom for a good game of fun was handsome; gave his own handkerchief beside, to have his eyes securely tied, and soon began to grope and search ; when the three knaves, I needn't say, adroitly left him in the lurch, slipped down the stairs, and stole away. Poor Sam continued hard at work. Now o'er a chair he gets a fall; now floundering forwards with a jerk, he bobs his nose against the wall; and now, encouraged by a subtle fancy that they ’re near the door, he jumps behind it to explore, and breaks his shins against the scuttle; crying, at each disaster, “ Drat it!" “ Hang it!” “ 'od rabbit it !" and “ Rat it !" Just in the crisis of his doom, the host, returning, sought the room; and Sam no sooner heard his tread, than, pouncing on him like a bruin, he almost shook him into ruin, and, with a shout of laughter, said, “ Huzza ! I've caught you now; so down with cash for all, and my half crown !" Off went the bandage, and his eyes seemed to be goggling o'er his forehead, while his mouth widened with a horrid look of agonized surprise. “Gull !" roared his master; “gudgeon ! dunce! fool! as you are, you 're right for once ; 'tis clear that I must pay the sum; but this one thought my wrath assuages. that every half-penny shall come out of your wages!”
It's very hard, and so it is,
To live in such a row
But me, has got a beau:
But here he seems to shun;
To call at Number One.
Tha, come to Number Four;
A lover at the bor.