Page images
PDF
EPUB

(-) stopping as if the point wanted settling. And after the nominative case, (which, your lordship knows, should govern the verb,) he suspended his voice in the epilogue a dozen times, three seconds and three-fifths, by a stop-watch, my lord, each time

Admirable grammarian! But, in suspending his voice, was the sense suspended likewise? Did no expression of attitude or countenance fill up the chasm? Was the eye silent? Did you narrowly look?

I looked only at the stop-watch, my lord.

Excellent observer! And what of this new book the whole world makes such a rout about?

Oh! 'tis out of all plumb, my lord—quite an irregular thing !—not one of the angles at the four corners was a right angle. I had my rule and compasses, my lord, in my pocket.

Excellent critic!

And, for the epic poem your lordship bid me look at—upon taking the length, breadth, height, and depth of it, and trying them at home upon an exact scale of Bossu's—'tis out, my lord, in every one of its dimensions.

Admirable connoisseur ! And did you step in to take a look at the grand picture, in your way back?

'Tis a melancholy daub, my lord; not one principle of the pyramid in any one group! And what a price !—for there is nothing of the coloring of Titian—the expression of Rubensthe grace of Raphael—the purity of Dominichino—the corregiescity of Corregio—the learning of Poussin—the airs of Guido—the taste of the Garrichis—or the grand contour of Angelo

Grant me patience! Of all the cants which are canted in this canting world, the cant of criticism is the most tormenting. I would go fifty miles on foot, to kiss the hand of that man whose generous heart will give up the reins of his imagination into his author's hands-be pleased, he knows not why and cares not wherefore.

THE MONKEY THAT SHAVED HIMSELF AND HIS FRIENDS

--HUMPHREYS.

A man who own'd a barber's shop
At York, and shav'd full many a fop,
A monkey kept for their amusement;
He made no other kind of use on 't.
This monkey took great observation,
Was wonderful at imitation,
And all he saw the barber do
He mimick'd straight, and did it too.

It chanc'd in shop the dog and cat,
While friseur din'd, demurely sat;
Jacko found nought to play the knave in;
So thought he'd try his hand at shaving.
Around the shop in haste he rushes,
And gets the razors, soap and brushes;
Now puss he fix'd---no muscle miss stirs-
And lather'd well her beard and whiskers,
Then gave a gash, as he began-
The cat cried, waugh! and off she ran.
Next Towser's beard he tried his skill in,
Tho' Towser seem'd somewhat unwilling:
As badly here again succeeding,
The dog runs howling round and bleeding.

Nor yet was tir'd our roguish elf:
He'd seen the barber shave himself;
So by the glass, upon the table,
He rubs with soap his visage sable;
Then with left hand holds smooth his jaw ;-
The razor, in his dexter paw,
Around he flourishes and slashes,
Till all his face is seam'd with gashes.
His cheeks dispatch'd-his visage thin
He raised, to shave beneath his chin;

Drew razor swift as he could pull it,
And cut, from ear to ear,

his gullet.

MORAL.

Who cannot write, yet handle pens,
Are apt to hurt themselves and friends.
Tho' others use them well, yet fools
Should never meddle with edge-tools.

HOTSPUR’S ACCOUNT OF A FOP-SHAKBPEARE.

My liege, I did deny no prisoners,
But I remember, when the fight was done,
When I was dry with rage and extreme toil,
Breathless and faint, leaning upon my sword,
Came there a certain lord ; neat, trimly dressed ;
Fresh as a bridegroom; and his chin, new reaped,
Showed like a stubble land at harvest home.

He was perfumed like a milliner ;
And, twixt his finger and his thumb he held,
A pouncet-box, which ever and anon,
He
gave

his nose-
And still he smiled and talked :
And as the soldiers bare dead bodies by,
He called them "untaught knaves, unmannerly,
To bring a slovenly, unhandsome corse
Betwixt the wind and his nobility."

With many holiday and lady terms He questioned me; amongst the rest demanded My prisoners in your majesty's behalf. I then all smarting with my wounds, being galled To be so pestered with a popinjay, Out of my grief and my impatience, Answered neglectingly-I know not whatHe should, or should not; for he made me mad,

To see him shine so brisk and smell so sweet,
And talk so like a waiting gentlewoman,
Of guns, and drums, and wounds, (heaven save the mark!
And telling me, the sovereign'st thing on earth
Was parmacity for an inward bruise;
And that it was great pity (so it was)
This villainous saltpetre should be digged
Out of the bowels of the harmless earth,
Which many a good tall fellow had destroyed
So cowardly; and but for these vile guns-
He would himself have been a soldier.

This bald, unjointed chat of his, my lord,
I answered indirectly, as I said;
And I beseech you, let not this report
Come current for an accusation
Betwixt my love and your high majesty.

“ BOXIANA."--HOOD.

I hate the very name of box ;

It fills me full of fears ;
It 'minds me of the woes I've felt,

Since I was young in years.
They sent me to a Yorkshire school,

Where I had many knocks ;
For there my schoolmates box'd my ears.

Because I couldn't box,

I pack'd my box ; I pick'd the locks;

And ran away to sea ;
And very soon I learnt to box

The compass merrily.

I came ashore— I called a coach,

And mounted on the box ;

The coach upset against a post,

And gave me dreadful knocks.
I soon got well; in love I fell,

And married Martha Cox;
To please her will, at fam'd Box hill,

I took a country box.
I had a pretty garden there,

All border'd round with box ;
But ah, alas ! there liv’d, next door,

A certain Captain Knox.
He took my wife to see the play ;-

They had a private box :
I jealous grew, and from that day,

I hated Captain Knox.
I sold my house,-I left my wife ;-

And went to Lawyer Fox,
Who tempted me to seek redress

All from a jury box
I went to law, whose greedy maw

Soon emptied my strong box ;
I lost my suit, and cash to boot,

All thro’ that crafty Fox.
The name of box I therefore dread,

I've had so many shocks ;
They'll never end,--for when I'm dead,

They 'll nail me in a box.

THE DANCING MASTER ABROAD.—HALIBURTON.

Now, said Mr. Slick, to change the tune, I'll give the bluenoses a new phrase. They 'll have an election, most likely, next year, and then “the dancin' master will be abroad." A candidate is a most particular polite man, and anoddin' here,

« PreviousContinue »