"I will not listen!" said the Justice. "What have you to observe relative to burning Augustus Dormouse?" "This," resumed Fitz-Butter. "Accidentally, I encountered the prone body of the individual responding to the appellation of Augustus Dormouse. Him I had never seen before, and therefore not examined. Now, was the sleeper combustible, or was he not? Is he-a salamander, and can stand fire? With the thought, instantly I produce my sun-glass. His back is exposed-his shirt being torn between the shoulders; -I drew a focus on the exposed skin. I lay my tablets on the grass, in readiness to record any important and wonderful discovery I may make. But the sleeper stirs in his sleephe is combustible-he wakes, and stares with bestial rage upon Upon me-a philosopher! Nay, more; he complains to the police, he causes my arrest, he heaps upon me the disgrace of a public exhibition and a penal trial! What does he not deserve? I appeal to your honor, what does he not deserve! Punish the Vandal, Recorder, to the utmost extent the laws of the country and your official oath will permit?" me. DOG DAYS--HOOD. Most doggedly I do maintain, Among them there are clever dogs; You've heard of Dogs, who, early taught, Catch halfpence in the mouth ; But we've a long-tail'd Irish Dog, Of Dogs who merely halfpence snatch For he grows saucy, sleek, and fat, He's practising some other feats, The next he'll find a toughish job He wants to pull an old House down, I've heard of physic thrown to dogs, And very To think it true, for we 've a pack, The Turnspit of the sad old days But turnspits now are out of date,- And in the kitchen of the state A COURT AUDIENCE.-ANON. OLD South, a witty churchman reckon'd, Who at all preaching made a sport. He soon perceived his audience nod, THE KING'S VISIT TO A CATHEDRAL-WOLCOT SOMETIMES great kings will condescend Did visit Sal'sbury's old church so fair: An earl of Pembroke was the monarch's guide; The verger met them in his blue silk gown, Looking the frighted verger through and through, All with his eye-glass-" Well sir, who are you? “What, what, sir ?—hey, sir?" deigned the king to say. "I am the verger here most mighty king: In this cathedral I do ev'ry thing; Sweep it, an't please ye, sir, and keep it clean." "Hey? verger! verger!-you the verger? hey?" "Yes, please your glorious majesty I be," The verger answer'd, with the mildest mien. Then turn'd the king towards the peer, And wink'd and laugh'd; then whisper'd in his ear, I'll knight him, knight him, knight him-hey, my lord?" 11 Then with his glass, as hard as eye could strain, "He's a poor verger, sire," his lordship cry'd: "Poor verger, verger, hey ?" the king reply'd : "No, no, then, we won't knight him-no, won't knight him." Now to the lofty roof the king did raise His glass, and skipp'd it o'er with sounds of praise; What, verger, what? mop, mop it once a week?" "An't please your majesty," with marv'ling chops, 66 In Sal'sb'ry that will reach so high." THE DOCTOR AND HIS APPRENTICE.-ANON. A PUPIL of the Esculapian school Yet think not that in knowledge he was cheated— Was, when a man was well or ill, And how, if sick, he should be treated. One morn he thus address'd his master- He thinks, with you, To notice how you do, My bus'ness I might learn a little faster." "The thought is happy," the preceptor cries; To bring that hour, alas! time briskly fled: Away they went, And now behold them at a patient's bed. The master-doctor solemnly perus'd His victim's face, and o'er his symptoms mus'd; Look'd wise, said nothing-an unerring way, When people nothing have to say: Then felt his pulse, and smelt his cane, At length the patient's wife he thus address'd: Skill so prodigious Bobby too admir'd ; |