« PreviousContinue »
“I will not listen !" said the Justice.
6. What have you to observe relative to burning Augustus Dormouse ?"
“ This," resumed Fitz-Butter. " Accidentally, I encountered the prone body of the individual responding to the appellation of Augustus Dormouse. Ilim I had never seen before, and therefore not examined. Now, was the sleeper combustible, or was he not? Is he—a salamander, and can stand fire ? With the thought, instantly I produce my sun-glass. His back is exposed—his shirt being torn between the shoulders ; -I drew a focus on the exposed skin. I lay my tablets on the grass, in readiness to record any important and wonderful discovery I may make. But the sleeper stirs in his sleephe is combustible--he wakes, and stares with bestial rage upon me. Upon me—a philosopher! Nay, more; he complains to the police, he causes my arrest, he heaps upon me the disgrace of a public exhibition and a penal trial! What does he not deserve? I appeal to your honor, what does he not deserve ? Punish the Vandal, Recorder, to the utmost extent the laws of the country and your official oath will permit?"
Most doggedly I do maintain,
And hold the dogma true, -
We've some that walk on two.
Among them there are clever dogs;
A few you'd reckon mad;
Catch halfpence in the mouth ;-
With feats of larger growth.
Of Dogs who merely halfpence snatch
The admiration ceases,
By swallowing penny-pieces !
He's practising some other feats,
Which time will soon reveal ; One is, to squeeze an Orange flat,
And strip it of its Peel.
The next he'll find a toughish job
For one so far in years;
That's now propp'd up by Peers.
I've heard of physic thrown to dogs,
And very much incline
Who only bark and wh)ine.
The Turnspit of the sad old days
Is vain enough to boast, Altho' his “occupation 's gone,"
He still could rule the roast.
But turnspits now are out of date,
We all despise the hack, And in the kitchen of the state
We still prefer a Jack.
A COURT AUDIENCE.-ANON.
OLD South, a witty churchman reckon'd,
He soon perceived his audience nod,
THE KING'S VISIT TO A CATHEDRAL.-WOLCOT
SOMETIMES great kings will condescend
In days of yore, we understand,
An earl of Pembroke was the monarch's guide ;
Incog. they travellid, shuffling side by side. And into the cathedral stole the pair.
The verger met them in his blue silk gown,
And humbly bow'd his neck with rev'rence down, Low as an ass to lick a lock of hay:
Looking the frighted verger through and through,
In this cathedral I do ev'ry thing;
“ Hey ? verger ! verger !--you the verger ? hey ?"
“ Yes, please your glorious majesty I be," The verger answer'd, with the mildest mien.
Then turn’d the king towards the peer,
“He's a poor verger, sire," his lordship cry'd:
" Sixpence would handsomely requite him.” "Poor verger, verger, hey ?" the king reply'd :
“No, no, then, we won't knight him-no, won't knight him.”
Now to the lofty roof the king did raise
For thus his marv'ling majesty did speak :
What, verger, what? mop, mop it once a week ?''
“ An't please your majesty," with marv'ling chops, The verger answer'd,“ we have got no mops,
In Sal’sb’ry that will reach so high." “Not mop, no, no, not mop it,” quoth the king"No, sir, our Sal’sb’ry mops do no such thing;
They might as well pretend to scrub the sky."
THE DOCTOR AND HIS APPRENTICE.--ANON.
A PUPIL of the Æsculapian school
Yet think not that in knowledge he was cheated
All that he had to study still,
Was, when a man was well or ill, And how, if sick, he should be treated.
One morn he thus address'd his master“ Dear sir, my honor'd father bids me say, If I could now and then a visit pay,
He thinks, with you,
To notice how
“ The thought is happy," the preceptor cries;
To bring that hour, alas ! time briskly fled :
With dire intent,
Away they went,
The master-doctor solemnly perus'd
Then felt his pulse, and smelt his cane,
And paus'd and blink'd, and smelt again, And briefly of his corps perform each motion :
Manoeuvres that for death's platoon are meant,
A kind of a make ready and present, Before the fell discharge of pill and potion.
At length the patient's wife he thus address'd :
“Madam, your husband's danger's great; And (what will never his complaint abate) The man 's been eating oysters I perceive,"
“Dear! you 're a witch, I verily believe," Madam replied, and to the truth confess’d.
Skill so prodigious Bobby too admir'd ;
And home returning, of the sage inquir'd How these same oysters came into his head;
"Psha! my dear Bob, the thing was plain
Sure that can ne'er distress thy brain : I saw the shells lie underneath the bed ?"