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THE MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR.
SIR JOHN FALSTAFF.
DRAMATIS PERSON E.
ROBIN, Page to Falstaff.
RUGBY, Servant to Doctor Caius.
FORD, Two Gentlemen dwelling at Windsor.
WILLIAM PAGE, a Boy, Son to Page. SIR HUGH EVANS, a Welsh Parson. DOCTOR CAIUS, a French Physician. Host of the Garter Inn.
SCENE I.-Windsor. Before PAGE'S House. Enter Justice SHALLOW, SLENDER, and Sir HUGH EVANS.
Shal. Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star-chamber matter of it; if he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.
Slen. In the county of Gloster, justice of peace, and coram.
Servants to Page, Ford, etc.
Shal. Ay, cousin Slender, and cust-alorum.
Sten. Ay, and rato-lorum too; and a gentleman born, Master parson; who writes himself armigero, in any bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation,-armigero.
Shal. Ay, that I do; and have done any time these three hundred years.
Slen. All his successors gone before him hath done't; and all his ancestors that come after him may they may give the dozen white luces in their coat.
Shal. It is an old coat.
Evans. The dozen white louses do become an old coat well; it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to man, and signifies love.
Shal. The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old coat.
Slen. I may quarter, coz.
Shal. You may, by marrying.
Evans. It is marring indeed, if he quarter it. Shal. Not a whit.
Evans. Yes, py 'r lady; if he has a quarter of your coat, there is but three skirts for yourself, in my simple conjectures: but that is all one. If Sir John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto you, I am of the church, and will be glad to do my penevolence to make atonements and compremises between you.
Shal. The Council shall hear it; it is a riot. Evans. It is not meet the Council hear a riot; there is no fear of Got in a riot. The Council, look you, shall desire to hear the fear of Got,
Followers of Falstaff.
ANNE PAGE, her Daughter, in love with Fenton. MISTRESS QUICKLY, Servant to Doctor Caius.
and not to hear a riot; take your vizaments in that.
Shal. Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the sword should end it.
Evans. It is petter that friends is the sword, and end it; and there is also another device in my prain, which peradventure prings goot discretions with it. There is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master George Page, which is pretty virginity.
Slen. Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speaks small like a woman.
Evans. It is that fery person for all the orld, as just as you will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys, and gold and silver, is her grandsire upon his death's-bed,--Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!-give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years old. It were a goot motion if we leave our pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.
Shal. Did her grandsire leave her seven hun. dred pound?
Erans. Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.
Shal. I know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts.
Evans. Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot gifts.
Shal. Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there?
Evans. Shall I tell you a lic? I do despise a liar as I do despise one that is false; or as I despise one that is not true. The knight, Sir John, is there; and, I peseech you, pe ruled by your well-willers. I will peat the door for Master Page. Knocks. What, hoa! Got pless your house here! Page. Within. Who's there?
Evans. Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and Justice Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that peradventures shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your likings.
Page. I am glad to see your worships well. I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow.
Shal. Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good do it your good heart! I wished your venison better; it was ill-killed. How doth good Mistress Page? and I thank you always with my heart, la! with my heart.
Page. Sir, I thank you.
Shal. Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do. 93 Page. Iam glad to see you, good Master Slender. Slen. How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say he was outrun on Cotsall.
Page. It could not be judged, sir.
S'en. You'll not confess, you'll not confess. Shal. That he will not. "Tis your fault, 'tis your fault. 'Tis a good dog.
Page. A cur, sir.
Shal. Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog; can there be more said? he is good and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here?
Page. Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office between you. Evans. It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak. Shal. He hath wronged me, Master Page. Page. Sir, he doth in some sort confess it. Shal. If it be confessed, it is not redressed; is not that so, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed he hath; at a word, he hath, believe Robert Shallow, esquire, saith, he is wronged. Page. Here comes Sir John.
Ful. Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to the king?
Shal. Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and broke open my lodge.
Fal. But not kissed your keeper's daughter? Shal. Tut, a pin! this shall be answered, Fal. I will answer it straight: I have done all this. That is now answered.
Shal. The Council shall know this. Fal. Twere better for you if it were known in counsel: you'll be laughed at.
Evans. Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts. Fal. Good worts! good cabbage. Slender, I broke your head: what matter have you against me?
Page. We three, to hear it and end it between them.
Evans. Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note-book; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with as great discreetly as we can. 151 Fal. Pistol!
Pist. He hears with ears.
Slen. Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you; and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol. They carried me to the tavern, and made me drunk, and afterwards picked my pocket.
Bard. You Banbury cheese!
Slen. Ay, it is no matter.
Pist. How now, Mephostophilus!
Nym. Slice, I say! pauca, pauca; slice! that's my humour.
Slen. Where's Simple, my man? can you tell, 140 Evans. Peace! I pray you. Now let us understand: there is three umpires in this matter, as I understand; that is, Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is myself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is, lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter.
Evans. The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, 'He hears with ear'? Why, it is affectations.
Enter Sir JOHN FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, gether an ass.
Fal. Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?
Slen. Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might never come in mine own great chamber again else, of seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward shovel-boards, that cost me two
shilling and two pence a-piece of Yead Miller, by these gloves.
Fal. Is this true, Pistol?
Evans. No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse. Pist. Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and master mine,
I combat challenge of this latten bilbo :
Slen. By these gloves, then, 'twas he.
Nym. Be avised, sir, and pass good humours. I will say 'marry trap' with you, if you run the nut-hook's humour on me: that is the very note
Slen. By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for though I cannot remember what I did when you made me drunk, yet I am not alto
Fal. What say you, Scarlet and John? Bard. Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had drunk himself out of his five sentences. Evans. It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is!
Bard. And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; and so conclusions passed the careires.
Slen. Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no matter. I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick if I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.
Evans. So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
Fal. You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it.
I will marry
Evans. Od's plessed will! I will not be absence How now, Simple! where have you been ? I at the grace. Exeunt SIIALLOW and EVANS. must wait on myself, must I ? You have not
Anne. Will't please your worship to come in, the Book of Riddles about you, liave you?
sir ? Sim. Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend
Slen. No, I thank you, sorsooth, heartily ; I it to Alice Shortcake upon All-hallowmas last,
am very well. a fortnight afore Michaelmas ?
Anne. The dinner attends you, sir. Shal. Come, coz; come, coz ; we stay for you.
Slen. I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. A word with you, coz; marry, this, coz: there Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon
Erit SIMPLE. is, as 'twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made my cousin Shallow. afar off by Sir Hugh here : do you understand A justice of peace sometime may be beholding
to bis friend for a man. I keep but three men Sien. Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable: and a boy yet, till my mother be dead ; but if it be so, I shall do that that is reason.
what though ? yet I live like a poor gentleman
born. Shal. Nay, but understand me. Slen. So I do, sir.
Anne. I may not go in without your worship: Erans. Give ear to his motions, Master Slender. they will not sit till you come. I will description the matter to you, if you pe
Slen. I' faith, I'll eat nothing ; I thank you capacity of it.
as much as though I did. Sten. Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says.
Anne. I pray you, sir, walk in. I pray you pardon me; he's a justice of peace bruised my shin th’ other day with playing at
Slen. I had rather walk here, I thank you. I in his country, simple though I stand here.
Erans. But that is not the question ; the sword and dagger with a master of fence; three question is concerning your marriage.
veneys for a dish of stewed prunes; and, by my Shal. Ay, there's the point, sir.
troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat
since. Erans. Marry, is it, the very point of it ; to
Why do your dogs bark so ? be there Mistress Anne Page.
bears i' the town? Slen. Why, if it be
Anne. I think there are, sir; I beard them
upon any reasonable demands.
talked of. Erans. But can you affection the 'oman ?
Slen. I love the sport well; but I shall as Let us command to know that of your mouth
soon quarrel at it as any man in England. You or of your lips; for divers philosophers hold that are afraid, if you see the bear loose, are you not ? the lips is parcel of the mouth : therefore, pre
Anne. Ay, indeed, sir. cisely, can you carry your good will to the maid? have seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and
Slen. That's meat and drink to me, now: I Shal. Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love have taken him by the chain ; but, I warrant her ?
Slen. I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become you, the women have so cried and shrieked at one that would do reason.
it, that it passed: but women, indeed, cannot Erans. Nay, Got's lords and his ladies ! you
abide 'em; they are very ill-favoured rough must speak possitable, if you can carry her
Re-enter PAGE. desires towards her. Shal. That you must. Will you, upon good
Page. Come, gentle Master Slender, come ; dowry, marry her ?
we stay for you. Slen. I will do a greater thing than that, upon
Slen. I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir. your request, cousin, in any reason.
Page. By cock and pie, you shall not choose,
sir! Come, come. Shal. Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz; what I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can
Slen. Nay, pray you, lead the way. you love the maid ?
Page. Come on, sir. Slen. I will marry her, sir, at your request;
Slen. Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first. but if there be no great love in the beginning,
Anne. Not I, sir ; pray you, keep on. yet heaven may decrease it upon better acquaint
Slen. Truly, I will not go first : truly, la! I
will not do you that wrong. ance, when we are married and have more occasion to know one another : I hope, upon
Anne. I pray you, sir. familiarity will grow more contempt : but if you
Slen. I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesay, Marry her,' I will marry her; that I am
You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!
Ereunt. freely dissolved, and dissolutely. Erans. It is a fery discretion answer ; save
SCENE II.--The Same. the fall is in the ort dissolutely': the ort is,
Enter Sir Hugh Evans and SIMPLE. according to our meaning, ‘resolutely.' His meaning is good.
Evans. Go your wars, and ask of Doctor Cains' Shal. Ay, I think my cousin meant well.
house, which is the way; and there dwells one Slen. Ay, or else I would I might be banged, Mistress Quickly, which is in the manner of his la !
nurse, or his dry nurse, or his cook, or his Re-enter ANNE Page.
laundry, his washer, and his wringer.
Sim. Well, sir. Skal. Here comes fair Mistress Anne. Would Erans. Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne ! letter; for it is a 'oman that altogether 's ac
Anne. The dinner is on the table ; my father quaintance with Mistress Anne Page: and the desires your worships' company.
letter is, to desire and require her to solicit your Shal. I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne. master's desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray
you, be gone: I will make an end of my dinner; there's pippins and cheese to come. Exeunt.
SCENE III. A Room in the Garter Inn.
Fal. Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.
Host. Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot.
Fal. I sit at ten pounds a week.
Host. Thou 'rt an emperor, Cæsar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap: said I well, bully Hector? 11
Fal. Do so, good mine host.
Host. I have spoke; let him follow. To BARD. Let me see thee froth and lime: I am at a word; follow. Exit.
Fal. Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade: an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered servingman a fresh tapster. Go; adieu. Bard. It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive. Exit. 20 Pist. O base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot wield?
Nym. He was gotten in drink; is not the humour conceited?
Fal. I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox; his thefts were too open; his filching was like an unskilful singer, he kept not time.
Nym. The good humour is to steal at a minim's rest.
Pist. Convey,' the wise it call. Steal'? foh! a fico for the phrase!
Fal. Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
Pist. Why, then let kibes ensue.
Ful. There is no remedy; I must cony-catch, I must shift.
Pist. Young ravens must have food. Fal. Which of you know Ford of this town? Pist. Iken the wight: he is of substance good. Fal. My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
Pist. Two yards, and more.
Fal. No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's wife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation: I can construe the action of her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to be Englished rightly, is, 'I am Sir John Falstaff's.'
Pist. He hath studied her well, and translated her well, out of honesty into English. Nym. The anchor is deep: will that humour pass?
Fal. Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband's purse; he hath a legion of angels.
me good eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious œilliades: sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly. Pist. Then did the sun on dunghill shine. Num. I thank thee for that humour.
Pist. As many devils entertain, and 'To her, boy,' say I.
Nym. The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels.
Fal. I have writ me here a letter to her; and here another to Page's wife, who even now gave
Fal. O she did so course o'er my exteriors with such a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass. Here's another letter to her : she bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheater to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me : they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to Mistress Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
Pist. Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become, 80 And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer takeall! Nym. I will run no base humour: here, take the humour-letter. I will keep the haviour of reputation.
Fal. To ROBIN. Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly:
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores. Rogues, hence! avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;
Trudge, plod away o'the hoof; seek shelter, pack! Falstaff will learn the humour of the age, French thrift, you rogues: myself and skirted Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN. 90 Pist. Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds,
And high and low beguile the rich and poor. Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack, Base Phrygian Turk.
Nym. I have operations which be humours of revenge.
Pist. Wilt thou revenge?
SCENE IV. A Room in Doctor CAIUS's House. Enter Mistress QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY.
Quick. What, John Rugby! I pray thee, go to the casement, and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor Caius, coming: if he do, i' faith, and find anybody in the house, here will be an old abusing of God's patience and the king's English. Rug. I'll go watch.
Quick. Go; and we 'll have a posset for 't soon at night, i' faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire. Exit RUGBY. An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in house withal; and, I warrant you, no tell-tale, nor no breed-bate: his worst fault is, that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish that way, but nobody but has his fault;
but let that pass. Peter Simple you say your Caius. Vell. name is ?
Sim. Ay, forsooth, to desire Ler toSim. Ay, for fault of a better.
Quick. Peace, I pray you. Quick. And Master Slender's your master ? Caius. Peace-a your tongue! Speak-a your Sim. Ay, forsooth.
tale. Quick. Does he not wear a great round beard, Sim. To desire this honest gentlewoman, your like a glover's paring-knife?
2 maid, to speak a good word to Mistress Amne Sim. No, forsooth: he hath but a little wee Page for my master in the way of marriage. face, with a little yellow beard, a Cain-coloured Quick. This is all, indeed, la! but I'll ne'er beard.
put my finger in the fire, and need not. Quick. A softly-sprighted man, is lie not ? Caius. Sir Hugh send-a you ?—Rugby, baillem Sim. Ay, forsooth; but he is as tall a man of me some paper : tarry you a little-a while. his hands as any is between this and his head :
Writes. he hath fought with a warrener.
Quick. I am glad he is so quiet : if he had Quick. How say you? O! I should remember been thronghly moved, you should have heard him : does he not hold up his head, as it were, him so loud and so melancholy. But notwithand strut in his gait ?
31 standing, man, I'll do you your master what Sim. Yes, indeed, does he.
good I can : and the very yea and the no is, the Quick. Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse French doctor, my master, -I may call him my fortune! Tell Master Parson Evans I will do master, look you, for I keep his house ; and I what I can for your master : Anne is a good wash, wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and girl, and I wish
drink, make the beds, and do all myself,
Sim. "Tis a great charge to come under one Re-enter RUGBY.
body's hand. Rug. Out, alas ! here comes my master.
Quick. Are you avised o' that? you shall find Quick. We shall all be shent.' Run in here, it a great charge: and to be up early and down good young man; go into this closet.
late; but notwithstanding, to tell you in your Shuts SIMPLE in the closet. ear, I would have no words of it, my master He will not stay long. What, John Rugby! | himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page: but John, what, John, I say! Go, John, go inquire not withstanding that, I know Anne's mind, for my master; I doubt he be not well, tbat he that's neither here nor there. comes not home.
Caius. You jack'nape, give-a dis letter to Sir Hugh ;
; by gar, it is a shallenge: I vill cut his And down, down, adown-a, etc.
troat in de Park; and I vill teach a scurvy jack
a-nape priest to meddle or make. You may be Enter Doctor CAIUS.
gone; it is not good you tarry here: by gar, I Caius. Vat is you sing? I do not like dese vill cut all his two stones; by gar, he shall not toys. Pray yon, go and vetch me in my closet have a stone to trow at his dog. Exit SIMPLE. un boitier vert, a box, a green-a box : do intend Quick. Alas! he speaks but for his friend. vat I speak? a green-a box.
Caius. It is no matter-a vor dat: do not you Quick. Ay, forsooth; I'll fetch it you. Aside. tell-a me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself ? Iam glad he went not in himself: if he had found By gar, I vill kill de Jack priest ; and I have the young man he would have been horn-mad. 51 appointed mine host of de Jartiere to measure our
Caius. Pe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. weapon. By gar, I vill myself have Anne Page. Je m'en rais à la cour,-la grande affaire.
Quick. Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be Quick. Is it this, sir ?
well. We must give folks leave to prate : what, Caius. Ouy; mettez le au mon pocket ; dépêchez, the good-jer ! quickly. Vere is dat knave Rugby?
Caius. Rugby, come to the court vit me. By Quick. What, John Rugby! John!
gar, if I have not Anne Page, I shall turn your Ruy. Here, sir.
head out of my door. Follow my heels, Rugby. Caius. You are John Rugby, and you are Jack
Excunt Caius and RUGBY. Rugby: come, take-a your rapier, and come Quick. You shall have An fool's-head of your after my heel to de court.
own. No, I know Anne's mind for that: never Rug. "Tis ready, sir, here in the porch. a woman in Windsor knows more of Anne's mind Caius. By my trot, I tarry too long. Od's me! than I do, nor can do more than I do with her, I Qu'ay j'oublié ? dere is some simples in my closet, thank heaven. dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind. Fent. Within. Who's within there? ho!
Quick. Ay me! he'll find the young man there, Quick. Who's there, I trow? Come near the and be mad.
house, I pray you.
Font. How now, good woman! how dost thon? Quick. Good master, be content.
Quick. The better that it pleases your good Caius, Verefore shall I be content-a?
worship to ask. Quick. The young man is an honest man. Fent. What news? how does pretty Mistress
Caius. Vat shall de honest man do in my closet ? Anne ? dere is no honest man dat shall come in my closet. Quick. In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and
Quick. I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic; honest, and gentle ; and one that is your friend, hear the truth of it: he came of an errand to I can tell you that by the way; I praise heaven me from Parson Hughi,