HIS OWN ACCOUNT OF HIS CONVERSION.

25

eagerness, as the account Mr. H. therein gives of himself seemed in a very particular manner to tally with my own experience, especially the former part of it, wherein he speaks of the early commencement of his convictions, the distressing doubts he long laboured under concerning the being of a God, and his frequent relapses and falls into sin after the most solemn resolutions against it. Notwithstanding which, after his soul had been kept in fears and in bondage for some years, he was brought into the glorious liberty of the sons of God, and after having been made an instrument in the Lord's hand of turning many unto righteousness, finished his course with joy, triumphing in God his Saviour, and bearing witness to the power of his grace and love to all that were about him. I therefore thought that what had been might be ; that the same God who had shewed himself so powerfully on the behalf of Mr. Haliburton, and delivered him out of all his troubles, was able to do the same for me; and I was the more encouraged to hope that he would, as the experience of Mr. Haliburton during the former part of his life, had hitherto so nearly resembled my own.

"These considerations made me for a time much easier; but as the peace that resulted from them, was only the effect of my own reasoning, and was not accompanied with any divine sense of reconciliation wrought in me by the Holy Ghost, it did not long continue; for I began to think that Mr. Haliburton had not sinned with such aggravating circumstances, nor bound himself under such solemn imprecations as I had done. You will wonder how I could hold out under all these pressures, the half of which, I might say, has not been told; and indeed it was impossible I could have held out, had it not been that at those very times when I thought all was over with me,

26

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there would now and then dart in upon me some comfortable glimmering of hope, which kept me utterly from fainting.

"In this situation I continued from September, 1757, to January, 1758, when the Vinerian Professor of Oxford being to read a course of lectures upon the Common Law, I resolved to set out for that place, not through any desire I had to attend the lectures, for I had no heart for any such thing, but because I knew I should have chambers to myself in College, and thereby have an opportunity of being much alone, and of giving way to those thoughts with which my heart was big, as also of seeking the Lord with greater diligence, if peradventure I might find him. Accordingly, when I arrived at the University, though to save appearances I dragged my body to several of the lectures, yet my poor heavy-laden soul engrossed all my attention; and so sharp was the spiritual anguish I laboured under, that I scarcely saw a beggar in the streets, but I envied his happiness, and would most gladly have changed situations with him, had it been in my power. O, thought I, these happy souls have yet an offer of mercy, and a door of hope open to them, but it is not so with me; I have rejected God so long, that now God has rejected me, as he did Saul; my day of grace is past, irrecoverably past, and I have for ever shut myself out of all the promises.

"All this while, one thing that greatly astonished me was to see the world about me so careless and unconcerned, especially many that were twice my age amongst the Doctors of Divinity, and Fellows of the College. Surely, thought I, these people must be infatuated indeed, thus to mind earthly things and to follow the lusts of the flesh, when an eternity of happiness or

HIS OWN ACCOUNT OF HIS CONVERSION.

27

misery is before them, when they know not how short a time they have to live, and their everlasting state depends on the present moment.

I

"I believe I might continue in this deep distress of soul for near a month after my coming to Oxford. numbered the wearisome days and sleepless nights: 'I said at evening, when will it be morning? and at morning, when will it be evening?' Oh how sensibly did I feel the truth of that Scripture, The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity, but a wounded spirit who can bear 21

"It was now the season of Lent, the first or second Sunday in which, the sacrament of the Lord's supper is always administered in Magdalen College Chapel. I therefore besought the Lord with strong cryings, that he would vouchsafe me some token for good, some sense of his love towards me and willingness to be reconciled to me, that I might wait upon him at his table without distraction, and partake of those blessings which that ordinance is instituted to convey to the souls of true believers.

But

"And, O, for ever and for ever blessed be his holy name, he did not reject the prayer of the poor destitute; he heard me what time the storm fell upon me, and I make no doubt had heard, and in his purpose at least, answered me, from the first day that he inclined my heart to understand, and to seek after him. he knew better than I did myself, when it was meet to speak peace to my soul, and therefore waited that he might be gracious unto me; first, in order to convince me the more deeply of the exceeding sinfulness of sin, and of the desert thereof; secondly, to shew me more experimentally my own weakness and the

Prov. xviii. 14.

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insufficiency of any righteousness of my own to recommend me to his favor; thirdly, to make me prize more highly, and hunger and thirst more earnestly, for Jesus Christ, and the salvation that is in him. These ends being in some measure answered, on Saturday, February 18th, to the best of my remembrance, the night before the Sacrament, it pleased the Lord, after having given me for a few days before some tastes of his love, first to bring me into a composed frame of spirit, and then to convey such a thorough sense of his pardoning grace and mercy to my poor soul, that I, who was but just before trembling upon the brink of despair, did now rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory. The love of God was shed abroad in my heart through the Holy Ghost that was given unto me, even that perfect love which casteth out fear; and the Spirit itself bore witness with my spirit, that I was a child of God. Oh how great a change was this in so short a time! How surpassing all apprehension was the difference! I, who but a few nights ago, could scarcely suffer mine eyes to slumber, or mine eyelids to take any rest, through the despairing agonies with which I was overwhelmed, could not now, during the beginning of the night at least, get to sleep on account of the extatic comforts in which my soul was as it were absorbed. Yea, so exceedingly great were these joys, that my body could hardly support them; they in a manner overpowered me, and I was ready to cry out, Lord, hold thy hand, for I can bear no more.' how delightful now were the thoughts of death, when my soul should be delivered from the clog of clay, and instead of partaking of the streams below, should go and drink freely at the fountain of bliss above.

O,

HIS OWN ACCOUNT OF HIS CONVERSION.

29

"But though these comforts prevented me from going to sleep, yet I may say with Colonel Gardiner, that they refreshed me as the richest cordials, and strengthened me exceedingly to wait upon Jesus Christ at his table the following day, when I received the pledges of his dying love with such spiritual discernment and assurance of my interest in him, as I had never before experienced in the participation of that solemn ordi

nance.

Though I believe that many souls have had great terrors and great comforts, in whom no saving change was ever wrought; and on the other hand, that thousands have been effectually brought to Christ, whose convictions as well as consolations, have been so mild and gentle, that they have not been able to give any distinct account of their conversion, yet I confess it has been matter of joy to me, upon reading some parts of St. Austin's experience, translated by Dean Stanhope, and the blessed Bishop Cowper's own account of God's dealings with him, to find that the work in them so exactly corresponded with that carried on upon my soul.

"For some time after these sensible manifestations of God's love were withdrawn, my mind was composed and my hope lively; but I had still at seasons, secret misgivings and many doubts as to the reality of my conversion, which put me seriously to examine my state, whether the Scripture marks of a work of grace were really to be found in me, or not; and in these examinations I had great help from those excellent books, Guthrie's Trial of a saving interest in Christ, and Palmer's Gospel New Creature. Add to this, that being now in London, I had there the opportunity of hearing that faithful minister of Christ, the Rev. Mr.