Page images
PDF
EPUB
[blocks in formation]

Quid. I'll be with you before you're out of your first sleep. Feeb. Good night, good night! (Hurries off)

Quid. (screaming after him). I forgot to tell you—the emperor of Morocco is dead. So now, I have made him happy. I'll go and knock up my friend Razor, and make him happy, too; and then I'll go and see if anybody is up at the coffeehouse, and make them all happy there, too.

MURPHY.

7. THE LAWYER AND THE POLITICIAN.

Quidnunc and Codicil.

Cod. Mr. Quidnunc, your servant.

The door was open; and I entered upon the premises. I'm just come from the hall. Quid. 'Sbodkins, this man has now come to keep me at home. (Aside.)

Cod. Mr. Quidnunc, I am instructed to expound the law to

you.

Quid. What, the law of nations?

Cod. I am instructed, sir, that you're a bankrupt. Quasi bancus ruptus-banque route faire. And my instructions say further, that you are summoned to appear before the commissioners to-morrow.

Quid. That may be, sir, but I can't go to-morrow; and so I shall send them word. I am to be to-morrow at Slaughter's Coffee House, with a private committee, about business of great consequence in the affairs of Europe.

Cod. Then, sir, if you don't go, I must instruct you that you will be guilty of a felony: it will be deemed to be done malo animo; it is held so in the books; and what says the statute? By the 5th Geo. II, chap. 30, not surrendering, or embezzling, is felony, without benefit of clergy.

Quid. Ay, you tell me news.

Cod. Give me leave, sir: I am instructed to expound the law to you. Felony is thus described in the books :-Felonia, saith Hotoman (De Verbis Feudalibus), significat capitale facinus,— a capital offence.

Quid. You tell me news-you do indeed!

Cod. It was so apprehended by the Goths and the Longbards. And what saith Sir Edward Coke ?—Fieri debeat felleo animo.

Quid. You've told me news:-I did not know it was felony! But if the Flanders mail should come in while I'm there, I should know nothing at all of it.

Cod. But why should you be uneasy ?—cui bono, Mr. Quidnunc ?-cui bono?

Quid. Not uneasy! If the Papists should beat the Protestants?

Cod. But I tell you, they can get no advantage of us. The laws against the further growth of Popery will secure us. There are provisos in favor of Protestant purchasers under Papists:-10th Geo. 1, chap. 4, and 6th George II, chap. 5. Quid. Ay!

Cod. And, besides, Popish recusants can't carry arms; so can have no right of conquest, vi et armis.

Quid. That's true, that's true! I am easier in my mind— Cod. To be sure; what are you uneasy about? The Papists can have no claim to Silesia.

Quid. Can't they?

Cod. No, they can set up no claim.

If the queen, on her marriage, had put all her lands into Hotchpot; then, indeed,— and it seemeth, saith Littleton, that this word Hotchpot is, in English, a pudding—

Quid. You reason very clearly, Mr. Codicil, upon the rights of the powers of war; and so now, if you will, I am ready to talk a little of my affairs.

Cod. Nor does the matter rest here; for how can she set up a claim, when she has made a conveyance to the house of Brandenburgh? The law, Mr. Quidnunc, is very severe against fraudulent conveyances. (Codicil continues, and Quidnunc becomes very impatient.)

Quid. 'Sbodkins, you have satisfied me!

Cod. Why, therefore, then, if he will levy fines, and suffer a common recovery, he can bequeath it as he likes, in feodum simplex, provided he takes care to put in his sis heres.

Quid. I am heartily glad of it. So that, with regard to my effects

Cod. Why, then, suppose she was to bring it to a trial at bar

Quid. I say, with regard to the full disclosure of my

effects

Cod. What would she get by that? It would go off upon a special pleading; and as to equity

Quid. Pray must I now surrender my books and lets?

my pamph.

[blocks in formation]

Cod. What would equity do for her? Equity can't relieve her; he might keep her at least twenty years before a master, to settle the account

Quid. You have made me easy about the Protestants in this war—you have, indeed. So that, with regard to my appearing before the commissioners

Cod. And as to the ban of the empire, he may demur to that; for all tenures by knight-service are abolished, and the statute 12, Charles II, has declared all lands to be held under a common socage.

Quid. Pray, now, Mr. Codicil, must not my creditors appear to prove my debts?

Cod. Why, therefore, then, if they're held in common socage, I submit it to the court, whether the empire can have any claim to knight-service. They can't call on him for a single man for the wars-unum hominem ad guerram. For what is common socage ?—socagium idem est quod servitium soccae,the service of the plough.

Quid. I'm ready to attend to them; but, pray, now, when my certificate is signed-it is of great consequence to me to know this-I say, sir, when my certificate is signed, mayn't I then-Hey! hey! what do I hear?

Cod. I apprehend-I humbly conceive, when your certificate is signed

Quid. Hold your tongue! Did I not hear the "Gazette ?" Newsman (without). Great news in the "London Gazette !" Quid. Yes, yes, it is-it is the "Gazette"-it is the Gazette!"

66

Cod. The law, in that case, Mr. Quidnunc, prima facie— Quid. I can't hear you;-I have not time. (Endeavors to pass out.)

Cod. I say, sir, it is held in the books

Quid. I care for no books: I want the "Gazette." (Stamping his foot.)

Cod. Throughout all the books-(Quid. rushes out.) Bo! the man's non compos; and his friends, instead of a commission of bankruptcy, should take out a commission of lunacy.

MURPHY.

8. A NAUTICAL EXAMINATION.

Examiner. How would you scud a ship under bare poles, in a gale of wind?

Candidate. I should get the four and main yards a-cock-bill, rib in the jib-boom, put the helm hard-up, lash the cook and steward to the tafferel, with their heads clean shaven, and let her go. That is what I call scudding a ship under bare poles.

Ex. When scudding under bare poles in a hurricane, how would you go to work to bring the ship to the wind, and lay her to?

Can. I would cut away the mizzen-mast, take a good swig at the main-brace, lash the helm hard-a-port, and call all hands to give three cheers!

Ex. Very well, indeed. mon a bowsprit ?

Can you pudden an anchor, or gam

Can. No; but I can dispose of a pudding, or stow away a gammon of bacon, with any old salt who ever turned a quid. Ex. Under what circumstances should you consider it necessary to box-haul a ship? and how would you do it?

Can. This should be done only on the approach of a thundersquall, and it is a delicate manoeuvre. Sway up the spanker peak, and lash the boom amidships, let fly the jib-sheets, square the fore and main yards by the lifts and braces, send a stout hand aloft to loose the main royal, jam the helm a-lee, and let the thunder-gust come! You will soon find yourself in a bad box-and this is called box-hauling.

Ex. Can you work a mousing, man-fashion, on the collar of the main-stay?

Can. I am not so certain of that; but I can clap a mousing on the cook's head with a handspike.

Ex. How do you heave a ship in stays?

Can. Order every man to his station; the cook to the fore sheet, and the boatswain to dance a hornpipe on the capstan head; and when the skipper sings out, "Hard-a-lee," let every man shout with all the strength of his lungs, "Let go and haul!"

Ex. Can you clear a ship's hawse when there is a round turn in the cables?

Can. I dare say I can; and, what is more, I can ride a Flemish horse without saddle, martingale, stirrup, or bridle. Ex. Can you tell me how to work a traverse?

Can. Yes; Tom Cox's traverse-up one hatchway and down the other

[blocks in formation]

Ex. How do you perform the evolution of club-hauling? Can. Hoist the broad pennant at the jib-boom end, and sway up the cabin-boy to the end of the fore-topmast studding-sail boom; cut away the best bower-anchor, and knock down with a heaver the first man you can hit. That is what is meant by club-hauling.

Ex. Did you ever see a bumpkin on board ship without whiskers?

Can. Yes; Jonathan Flail, on board the bark Powderhorn. Both sides of his cheeks were as smooth as the palm of my hand.

Ex. How would you manage to raise a breeze when it was a dead calm ?

Can. Put all hands on half allowance, and set them at work scraping the topmasts and cleaning the ship's bottom, without allowing them even a dog's watch. If that does not raise a

breeze, whistle "Hey, Betty Martin, tip-toe tye," until you see a cat's-paw stretching across the water.

Ex. Who has the hardest time on board a ship at sea?

Can. The "sweet little Cherub" which keeps watch while sitting up aloft.

Ex. Who has the hardest time in port?

Can. The little nun buoy, who keeps watching the anchor, and is never relieved excepting to be bled.

Ex. Why is a ship like a hen?

Can. Because she often keeps cackling.

Ex. Why is a ship like a well-bred Frenchman?

Can. Because she prides herself on her graceful bows.

Ex. Why is a ship like a comet ?

Can. Because she moves rapidly along, and leaves a brilliant and sometimes marvellously crooked wake behind.

Ex. Why is a ship like the keeper of a livery stable?

Can. Because she is well provided with horses, bridles, saddles, stirrups, whips, and martingales.

Ex. What animal does a ship most remind you of?

Can. A cat. Because she has cat-heads, cat-harpings, catblocks-is partial to cat's-paws-and is often provided with a cat with nine tails.

Ex. What do you mean by cat-harpings?

Can. Cat-harpings is undoubtedly a corruption of cat's-harpstrings, meaning catgut.

Ex. Very well explained. Is there ever a dog on board ship?

Can. Always; and he keeps the watch from six to eight

« PreviousContinue »