Greeley wrote an execrable hand. He once dismissed an employee by letter, and afterwards found that the man had termed his letter of dismissal one of recommendation, and the third party, unable to decipher it, believed it to be a recommendation, and took the man into his employ.

A tract distributor said to a young lady whose hair was done up in curl papers. "I see you have used my tracts, but you have put them on the wrong side of your head."

The reason why "Nature will have her way" is because she is feminine.

I sat me down and thought profound;
This maxim wise I drew;

It's easier far to like a girl,

Than make a girl like you.

Quoth Smith to Jones: "It really is a sin,
You do not get your pretty house fenced in,"

Quoth Jones: "You're wrong, the place is fenced, con-
found it,

My wife is all the time a railing round it."

It is said that the Digger Indians are never known to smile. They are grave Diggers.

"Are you fond of tongue, sir?" "I was always fond of tongue, madam, and I like it still."

An Irishman assigned as a reason for not putting out a fire in his kitchen with a kettle of boiling water that was near, that it was hot water.

A Texas murderer wanted his execution delayed, because he was in poor health.

A bore, meeting Douglas Jerrold, said: "Well, what's Toing on to day?" "I am," said he, as he passed him.

"I laugh," a would-be sapient cried,

"

At every one who laughs at me."

"Good land," a sneering friend replied,
"How very merry you must be."

DRAMATIC SUPPLEMENT

-TO

One Hundred Choice Selections, No. 1

PRACTICAL JOKES.*-ROBERT C. V. MEYERS.

A FARCE IN ONE ACT.

UNCLE TOBY, a Joker.

CHARACTERS.

TOM ASHBROOK, with vivid remembrances of the White Mountains.

JIMMY CULVERIN, an admirer of dimples.

LETITIA TEN EYCK,

EMILY TENEYCK,

Nieces of Uncle Toby.

SCENE-Interior with door in the back, clock on stand or table. Letitia and Emily discovered seated and embroidering.

EMILY (looking at clock). Letty, they will not be here. See, it is half-past twelve; the train arrives on the stroke of twelve, and we are ten minutes' walk from the station. Uncle Toby must be detained by some business which accounts for his not coming and telling us that Mr. Ashbrook and Mr. Culverin failed to come as they promised. It is twenty minutes past the time; and no girl with any proper appreciation of herself will wait twenty minutes for the properest young man in the world.

LETITIA. We should not blame the gentlemen.

EMILY. Do you mean by that much-abused title to indicate Tom Ashbrook and Jimmy Culverin?

LET. I was thinking

EMILY. Thinking is a very dangerous habit for a young *Copyright, 1885, by P. GARRETT & Co.

woman to fall into. Once there was a young woman who kept thinking that she would surely fall in love, and the consequence was that one day she did so. I never think. LET. Consequently you will never fall in love.

LET. For the simple reason that you have already so fallen.

EMILY. Letitia Ten Eyck! You are referring to your perpetual White Mountains and a young unknown man who stood beside me and enjoyed the glories of a sunset. That young man had a companion; that companion stood beside you enjoying the glories of the sunset. What color was that sunset, Letitia Ten Eyck?

LET. What color?

EMILY. That was my question.

LET. Why-why-well, I should say that golden brown was the predominating tint.

EMILY. Golden brown; in other words, hazel-the color of the eyes of the companion of the young man who stood beside me enjoying the glories of the sunset.

LET. Emily Ten Eyck, I will dare you to divulge unto me the predominating color of that sunset on the White Mountains.

EMILY. Artists will tell you that no two of us see the same scene alike-consequently my sunset was a heavenly blue.

LET. The color of the eyes of the young man who stood beside you as you enjoyed the glories of the sunset. Seriously, though, Emily, I meant to say that I was thinking that possibly a fresh practical joke was detaining Uncle Toby. It is dreadful that he persists in this rude sort of merriment which constantly sets the house topsy-turvy, makes the most innocent thing dangerous, and robs life of half its peace and security. Practical jokes have had their day, surely, and should be relegated to the times when people had no knives and forks on their tables, and believed in witchcraft; they belong to another age than ours. EMILY. So does Uncle Toby, for that matter; he is fifty, and we

LET. Are not fifty-being only two.

EMILY. Exactly. But really, it appears as though Uncle

Toby means to keep it up till the end of the chapter-or the end of confiding people. My greatest fear is that one day he will do something which will get him into a serious difficulty, and not him alone, but us also-for-a practical joke scorns one victim only. Had it not been for him Cousin Jeremy would never have inserted that extravagant clause in his will. The idea of Jeremy writing that as you and I had been under the guardianship of Uncle Toby ever since our parents died in our babyhood, doubtless we had imbibed some of his admiration for jests which are made at the expense of others, and therefore, in his will he would show us that we were not the only members of the family who could turn the tables.

LET. And yet it was spiteful, that clause in the will. Fancy his leaving the money to you and me and his wife's two nephews, Tom Ashbrook and Jimmy Culverin, provided we should favor each other matrimonially--I Tom, he me; you Jimmy, Jimmy you. And we have never laid eyes on either of the nephews! It is the most preposterous thing I ever heard of.

EMILY. And Uncle Toby immediately entered into the spirit of it. So, apparently, did the nephews-for have they not written that they would come to-day and make our acquaintance?

LET. My dear, it is my opinion that Uncle Toby invited them here. Uncle Toby is equal to anything, even to inviting two young men whom he has no more seen than you and I have, and invite them as the suitors of his nieces. And to think that he never told us until he started for the station to meet them. Good gracious! Our waiting here and suffering this scandalous proceeding looks as though we acquiesce in Cousin Jeremy's plan.

EMILY. Not so bad as that, sister; the gentlemen, according to Uncle Toby, say that they have too long neglected their Uncle Jeremy's cousins, and feeling that they owe reparation, will now pay a visit to our dear Uncle Toby. Not a word do they say about the will.

LET. I should hope not; it is to be trusted that this family boasts of no such vulgarians as that would make them. But our receiving them does look as though we favor them.

EMILY. How can we help ourselves? Uncle Toby tells us two gentlemen are about to visit him, and we are the hostesses. We dare not run off now, that would be rudest of all.

LET. As for anything else, never! What do we care for a fortune that is bequeathed to us under such conditions! I, for one, will refuse the slightest advance which Tom Ashbrook may offer me. He must be a veritable moneygroveller, a miser, a-a would-be defaulter!

EMILY. And Jimmy Culverin I should set down as his counterpart. Before I should accept him for my fiancé LET. Before I should accept Tom Ashbrook, I would-I would

EMILY. I know what you would do.

LET. What?

EMILY. You would go through the world in single blessedness, thinking of the young gentleman with hazel eyes who enjoyed with you the glories of a sunset on the White Mountains, and whom you never saw before nor have seen since, but whose face has haunted you from last summer until now.

LET. And you will do as much, thinking of a pair of blue eyes which made your heaven their color.

EMILY. Hush, dear; we should not be so unmaidenly. Let us get back to first principles. As I say, it is now too late for the arrival of the shameless men who are our coheirs according to Cousin Jeremy's will. At the last moment they may have been seized with compunction. Hereafter I shall cherish a little respect for them.

LET. (starting up.) Talk about confiding people! Are not we the most innocent young women in the world! We have absolutely believed in Uncle Toby-and after all our experience of him! The young men may never have written a line about coming, and probably at this very moment Uncle Toby is thinking of us sitting here expecting our possible bridegrooms!

EMILY (with a little scream). What geese we have been! I do believe the White Mountains have been running in our heads so much that we have lost the little wisdom we ever possessed. Now let us check-mate Uncle Toby; when he