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fellows kcp' a-ofloring of rao cards, and wanted mo to havo a sky, and a brazen creatur begun a-telling of my fortune along of the side of a carriage whero there was a lot of grinning fellows, and the next carriage was full of parties, as of course was ladies, but I must say as they was too freo in their ways for me; so after we'd walked about ever so long thro' feelin' tired, I says, " Charley," I says, "we'll go back." He says, "Do," and wo was walking along, when all of a sudden I got a crack of the side of my head as made me hollar, and down I goes like a shot. It was one of them fools as was a-shying at pincushions and things as had missed his aim and struck me. I says, "You villain, I'll havo the law on you. Police!" I says, and if they didn't all laugh. Well, wo kop' a-walking and a-walking, and I couldn't see nothin' of tho cart, tho' I knowed the spot whero I'd left it; so at last we gets out of tho scrougo into a open place whore there wasn't nobody a-walking, and was looking at a place whero crowds was asctting one above the other. I says, "I wonder who they can be," when all of a sudden a chap comes a-ridin' up and says, " Get off tho course, will youP" "No," I says, "I won't. I'm a-looking for Jin. Heafey'b cart as is close at hand, and I shan't go till I finds it." He says," You must go. Here!" he says, and out rushes two policemen like tigers on mo. Littlo Charley began a-screaming, people was aholloing and a-hooting, tho police catches 'old of mo by the arms, and if they didn't run me along with them till my breath was gone and my legs a-failin', and ketches my foot in something, and down •wo all went with that shock as half stunned me, and when I romo to, parties was a-standin' round, and give me water as I wouldn't touch thro' fear of a chill, and Charley a-screamin' for his " Ma," and one lady says to me, "Mum, it's a mercy as you'ro hero ; for," she says, "if them police hadn't saved you, you'd a-been run down." Well, I'd lost my rodicule, and hadn't no change to get nothin' for to pacify Charley, as would keep on a-'owling awful, till I loses all patience, and gives him a good shako, and heai-d Mas. Heafey hollar out, "You please to let my child alono, you old wixen!" and thero wo was close agin the cart. So I says," Mum," I says," he did ought to be taught better." I was put out, for Brown began a-blowing me up and said as they'd waited for me ever so long ; and if they hadn't been and had the wittles and messed everything about! I'm sure tho meat-pie as I'd made looked as if dogs had been at it. I couldn't a-touched it, so I hadn't nothing but a bit of bread and cheeso and a drop of beor as was flat as ditch-water, and was that hurt with Mrs. Heafey, as I wont and set down on tho ground, and certainly Brown did bring me a little cold without when he come, and said he was going. So I gots into that ■cart with a heavy heart, and we was just a-driving off when I got a blow in the back as took my breath away, and if it wasn't parties in ■coaches as was a-pelting with oranges as came as thick as hail asmashing all over me. I felt that faint, that if I hadn't had a something in my rediculo as I kep' a-takin' for to support mo; and Mrs. Jarvis, she was snoring all tho way, and was took ill quite sudden, and said it was the cart; but I sayB, "Mum," I says, "it's other things on tho top of tho cart;" but just thon I took that faint myself, and down como the rain in torrents, and crowds a-'owling and hitting at one all tho way from Clapham, and I remember no moro till I was in bed in the morning, and Brown says to me, jeering, "I say, old gal, beer and sperrits won't mix." I says, " Brown," I says, "that air was too bracing for me to take-to sudden, and that's what disagreed with me." Ho only says, "Walkor!" So I says, "Nover will I go so far out in one day and back again as long as my name's Brown, for them sudden changes don't suit me."
THE DERBY DAY OPERATIZED.
The Start.—Cliorut of deserted icives to remorseless husbands.
Darby, Darby Day,
On The Road.—Duet. Air—" Skidamalink."
Husband (slyly, to young ladies).—
Wife (alluding to husband's high complexion).—
Invocation.—Air—"Old Bob Ridloy."
Como and pay your shot here like men!
Fraternizo with tho lowly pikemen!
Who do rob prettily, oh! (bis)
(Spoken.)—White folk! are you lookin' to soo if your chango is right?
For thoy do rob prettily, oh!
Vulgar Man (chaffing a bald one).—(air—" Homo, sweet homo.")
Oh, bald indiwiddlp, with high, shiny dome,
Comb! comb! Sma-all too-ooth comb!
Bald One (in reply).—(air—" Billy Taylor.")
Bill o' tailor you are wont, young feller,
To draw out, when at homo you be,
Vulgar Man.— Witty! witty! witty! witty!
Bald One (aggravatingbj).— Tailor, eh?
Vulgar Man.— Tailor!
Bald One.— Railer! (This couplet is repeated.)
(Alternately).— Tailor! Bailor! Tailor! Railer!
Bald One.— Tailor, eh?
O.i The Course.—Solo. Air—" In tho Strand."
For some timo past I've been cadging,
On tho Stand! on the Stand! on tho Stand! on the Stand!
On the Stand! on the Stand! on the Stand! on the Stand!
Economical Duet.—Air—" Bright Chanticleer"
Husband (absently).—Eh? Oh! (then in bad French) Je vais!
(Making up his accounts.)—Brought forward, brought forward.
If this goes on much longer, why
I'm sure that I shall die.
The Road Home.—Concerted piece. Air—"Slap Bang."
Gent (in one carriage to Lady in another).—
Lady's Youno Man.—
I'll knock your head into your lungs, and that'll servo you right. Crowd.—Oh, hero's a jolly lark! them Bwolls is going for to fight.
Lady (to Gent in carriage).— Oh, you shocking Pollio!
You Pollio! You Pollio! Oh, you shocking Pollio! Gent (in his ignorance).— Whoever that may bo. Crowd.— Ha! ha! ha!
Lady's Youno Man.— Pshah! pshah! pshah!
Gent (who don't care).— Tra, la, la!
All.— Fal, lal, lido.
Gent (hitting Lady's Young Man).— Slap!
Lady's Young Man (ditto).— Bang!
All.— Such a hurricano
I novor yet did see!
vr-. - - l^Mil'M^:
HOW TO PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE DERBY.
[if we liad been published on a Tuesday instead of a Wednesday wo should havo printed the following hints in this impression. As it is, they would come too late to be fully acted up to, so we have come to the determination that, all things considered, it will be better to omit them from the present number. We mention this because many of our readers may read the article, and then wonder why in the world it wasn't inserted. It is only fair to admit that we are not feeling very well, and don't quite know what wo mean.]
The following prescription will bo found invaluable :—
Tuesday Evbnino, Mat 30th.
5 o'clock.. Two stiff glasses of brandy and water (hot), taken sitting in tho sun without a hat.
6 to 8 Feats of strength with the Indian clubs.
8 A quarter of a pound of peppermint lozenges.
8.30 A pint of "dry creaming," followed by some bottled stout.
9 Go and hear a woman sing a comic song at a music hall.
10 Two pork chops and a glass of whisky and water (hot).
11 Go and hear a political and social comic (comic r ha! ha! but never mind)
song at EvAss's.
12 Threo Welsh rarebits and a warm lobster.
Wednesday, May 31st. 12 to 3 .... Leap-frog with an enemy.
3.15 Go to bed and get a good night's rest before the fatigues of tho Derby day.
3.20 TJp again like a bird, and eat cold goosoberry-pie till
5 Hot rum (neat) ad lib., Indian clubs, and dumb bells till
ir " 7 Breakfast. You should eat a good breakfast.
8 Swear at the rain till
9 When it clears up. Go out for a good run, say, to Primrose-hill, and thence
round by Hammersmith and Feckham, home.
12 Off you go as blithe as a lark.
The Money Market has throughout the past week Bhown symptoms of chronic aberration. Epsom Stock has been almost the only security in which large investments havo been made. Breadalbanes has been inquired for, and there have been a considerable outlay upon the cognate Broomielaws. The Foreign Shtiro List exhibits a marked advance in the estimated value of Gladiateur bonds.
Printed by JUDD & GLASS, SO, Fleet Sircet, and rhceniz Worki, ft. Andrew's Hill, Doctor*1 Common', and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER,
at SO, Fieet Street.—June 3, ISM.
SOMETHING LIKE NONSENSE VERSES.
1.—The Highland Jew.
I Saw a red-haired Jew from Aberdeen,
In a gaberdine,
At the Tabard Inn,
On a Wednesday!
2.—The Pious Q.C.
I saw Mb. Bio Ben Denibon,
Ask a benison
On some venison,
On a Wednesday.
3.—The Greek Maiden.
I beg to state I love a yaller miss,
Born at Salamis,
And this gal, or miss,
4.—The Worthy- Independent Minister.
A worthy Independent minister,
Born at Finisterre,
On a Wednesday!
5.—The TjNHArrY Marriage.
Once I married a cook from chanity,
And hair carrotty,
6.—The Sensation OrERA Tnour-E.
I know a man who's going to offer Gyb
Every Wed"081^ ■
The Scenter Of Attraction.—Rimmel's vaporizer.
WORKING MEN'S CLUBS.
Fun is occasionally serious, but never without malice prepense. If he deviates into a grave and philosophic tone, it is because the gifted creature has deliberately made up his mind to do so. You never catch him stumbling into grand, moral, earnest writing! No! When ho means this kind of thing he proclaims it—which prevents mistakes.
Fun is personally rich, but he isn't proud of that! Even an undersheriff might be wealthy, although, as a rule, few under-sheriffs are! Fun belongs to many clubs, and it is with a considerable amount of gentlemanly resignation that tho grand old being now mentions the horses which he drew, to wit:
The horse was scratched. Here he drew .Gladiateur; but owing to an informality there was a double draw, and he did not draw him twice. Quite forget the name, I assure you. "Trumps!" Not bad for you, FitzDummy! Why should not spades, with hearts behind 'em—but here, methinks, we grow too figurative In England many a good cause may be killed by a bad illustration, as in Franco you shall find many a brutal falsehood accepted if it can but out-jest the truth by a startling epigram. Electoral reform would have been carried years ago, but for the metropolitan members. The ablest agent of the Conservatives is Cox, of Finsbury, though there is a good deal to be said, from the Tory point of view, for Doulton, and Butler, and Ayrton, and Lawrence, and more especially for Lord Fekmoy.
Fun, personally, is neither Tory, Whig, Radical, Liberal Conservative, Realist, Nominalist, Hanoverian, Jacobite, Big Endian, or Little
At the Mausoleum
At the Yorick
At the Rccarltonform
What, after all, are clubs?
Endian, but simply, in the broadest sense of the time-honoured phrase, Fish, Flesh, Fowl, and good Red Herring.
Ah! if our well-Read Herring fellow-creatures only knew. Weary of what he will call (by the kind permission of Sir Inverted Alphabetical Lytton (g.e.l!b.e.l.b.l.) the Saloons of the Opulent and tho Sofas of the Gay, Fun has lately been to two or threo Working Men's Clubs. Yell, gents, if you like; gentlemen uon't.
On these evenings there.was a good deal of Lord Lyttelton about. L. L. is the hardy peer who tried to make the members of a West-end club do their duty by the poor in their neighbourhood, and he failed, as dear, good Andrew Johnson would say, "a considerable somo." Spell tho last word as you like.
But Lord Lyttelton, who is a celebrated chess-player, knows that the working man is often compelled to Pawn at Knight! He knows a good deal about the son of toil, being a hard-working man himself.
And when Lord Lyttelton talks ab ut Strikes, you should go and see his son, the Hon. C. G. Lyttelton, who is generally on view at Lord's or the Oval. You should sec Aim strike! Clean and clear from the bat, sir; goes right up against the reserved-willow-raw-material on the one ground, the tavern wall on tho other, and all done without any appearance of effort—all done with grace and gentlo, manly ease. Will you bo good enough, subscribers, to pardon tho enthusiasm of an ancient cricketer?
Tho Working Man—there is such a person, despite some of our Berious contemporaries—is beginning to understand club-life, and to prefer it to the life of tho bar-parlour. The institution of which Lord Lyttelton is tho foremost advocate can really do immense good; and its soirees have been thoroughly rational, with one exception. At the very last Mr. Lawson was allowed to parade his tedious fallacies m re the "Permissive Bill!" This error must not be repeated. Tcctotalism and clubs cannot co-exist.
Lord Lyttelton, Mr. Thomas Hughes, and other sensible persons will be good enough to bear this in mind. Fun.
By The Sauntebeb, m SoeriTT.
HE French horso baa won the Derby, and thoso who backed the Gladiateur can cry out "hey! bet!" in a very different sense from the old Romans. (For further particulars see Mr. Simeon Solomon's picture of several ladies with sluggish livers at the Royal Academy.) How delighted our neighbours across the Channel will be! I have no doubt tho news was at once telegraphed to Algiers, where his Imperial Highness of course swallowed it with all the avidity of tho indigenous ostrich. It is rumoured that a political amnesty will be proclaimed and a general gaol delivery (not in our legal sense); and that a pardon may possibly bo extended to that Imperial cousin, towards whom of late the Emperor's feelings havo been of an eminently cussin'-ly character. I believe I may contradict another rumour afloat in the clubs—that Ma. Disraeli is about to impeach Ms. Gladstone for high treason, tracing Gladiateur's victory to the enervating effects of tho French treaty.
Com Io songs in the present day are very pointless and vulgar things. But if they cannot amuse tho wise they can employ the learned, for an action about the copyright of a so-called comic song has occupied the lawyers sonic time. I shall be very glad to hear that the musichalls have obtained permission to perform stage plays, if only because it may lead to the abolition of " comic" singing and the disappearance of " comic" singers, male and female, who are at present an insufferable infliction on those who would willingly patronise the better entertainments at the more respectable music-halls.
The M P. for Peterboiough has distinguished himself by fierce trolleys of invective, and a most injudicious identification of himself with roughs. He does far more harm than good to the cause ho would promote, and deprives it of the support of respectable people, who will not consent to march through Coventry with such a regiment as his. I wonder whether at the general election Peterborough will return to its WiiALi.EY-ing in tho mire.
The Islingtonians are petitioning and agitating to get rid of dog shows at the Agricultural Hall. I have no doubt it is very troublesome to bo disturbed by the bays of hounds for which others win the laurels, and that bark-arolles prolonged night and day may sicken one of what a huntsman considers music. But I don't see how the Islingtonians will get out of it; for tho Hall was established for this and similar purposes, and probably a pecuniary profit can be proved to compensate the neighbourhood for the un-" common cry of curs" as well as tho tragic moos of cattle. At any rate tho Dog Show is flourishing liko fl green bay-tree, with plenty of bark and boughs- wows. I hear, by the way, that there is one intelligent animal who sings, "My bark is on the Shaw," in delicate allusion to his owner, but as I have not heard him myself, I would warn compilers of "Anecdotes of Instinct" not to adopt this story too readily.
The magazines this month fluttered out almost unheeded amid the excitement of tho Derby. On the whole they are not very strong. The Comhill is not quite so good as usual in its illustrations; its lettor-press maintains its dead level. Temple Bar is always readable; and Mitcmillan'» seldom fails to amply repay perusal, though this month it might well spare an article on " Women and Art," which is a kind of hen-RusKi.viSM. London Society contains a good story at the beginning, but altogether is hardly up to the average, especially in tho illustrations. The second number of tho Shilling Magazine is a little improvement on the first, which it might have been without any superhuman effort. Tho improvement is mainly due to the artists. An illustration by Sandys to a not very musical poem, "Amor Mundi," is a very gem of drawing, and there is a capital picture to the " Wild Flower of Ravensworth." In other respects the magazine would seem to prove that if it be (as the prospectus would have us believe) to supply a want, it must be a want of interest. What on earth could induce tho editor to append the two injudicious letters into which he was betrayed by a little adverse criticism? His worst enemy could not have dono him worse service. I must quote a really curious sentence occurring in one of these strange epistles :—
"I will not dwell on the feeble detail* in which you fraudulently aporih" to me an arr ) ,- Ti „c wh'-ch I have never assumed, impressions which I haveuever entertained,
and in which you make insinuations as futile as they are false, with respect to ray literary style and literary position, with reference to which, I wonder why the question did not occur to you, why have I held that portion for so many years, with the respect of the chief literary men of my time, as my correspondence with them will sufficiently prove, and to which position I can now appeal, as dispensing with the necessity for my making any reply to your cavils and caluuuiiae,"
The reader must have an entire immunity from disease of the lungs, if he wishes to get through that without pulling up. What a pity it is that people will jangle so over a little criticism. The general public cares very little about the quarrels and personalities of a journalist—except, of course, when they are as funny as the feud between Messrs. 8lurk and Pott of Eatanswill.
Those who wish to second any reasonable effort to find employment for women, should pay a visit to the Exhibition of Illuminations at Mortimer House, Charles-street. The illuminations are as good as those on the Queen's birthday, and last much longer. But seriously, this is a sort of work specially fitted for women, and its application might be extended to various branches of ornamental art very advantageously. Every one who has an eye for beauty of form and colour must admire the noble old industry, to which the world is indebted for many splendid manuscripts. It was meritorious when exercised by the monk, and none the less praiseworthy when it now enlists the feminine specialities—taste and patience.
No matter what vintage—no matter what
Amidst Burgundy's hills or the plains of Bordeaux
ANY AUTHOR MAN.
We have received the subjoined paragraph, which looks rather like a hoax:—
"I.lTKRAnv Notick.—A mounted battery of volunteer artillery is in course of formation, to bear the distinctive title of the 'Authors,' and to be composed of gentleman mo e or less directly connected with literature. Bright anticipations are formed of this union of the pen and sword."
Why gentlemen who are merely connected "moro or less directly" with literature should call themselves " authors," we are at a loss to see; though, perhaps, they have as much right to that distinctive title as a paragraph about a volunteer corps has to describe itself as a literary notice We are under tho impression that almost all tho literary men of note who were ever likely to become volunteers have already joined corps. But possibly one or two great guns may still bo found for this battery, to form the one halfpenny-worth of bread to an intolerable deal of sack.
Our reason for supposing this paragraph a hoax is, that we have neither seen nor heard anything of the proposed battery. If it be not a hoax, it is a pity that one of tho gentlemen "more "—instead of "less"—directly connected with literature was not intrusted with the wording of the notice.
"well, my noble sportsmen, and how do we find ourselves to-day F Tolerably brisk, I fancy, sanguineous and placid! The astounding success with which it have pleased the will of Fate to reward for the hundredth occasion the sagacity and intelligence of your own prophet is by this time—to quote the gifted bard of Avon—familiar in men's mouths as all the year round; and my reputation, always a good one, whatever detractors may now say, to whom in former years many is the glass of warm gin and water I have generously stood, is now brighter than ever. Self-praise butters no parsnips; and it is fur from the wish of Nicholas to be vanity-glorioul or boastful. Still, modesty iB one thing, and will back himsolf to possess as much of that virtue as any man of my ago and weight, Irish only excepted; but it is quite another guess sort of matter to deliberately go putting your light underneath of a bushel of hay, whether insured or othorwiso. Why was talents given us if not that we might use thom for the benefit of our fellow-men and squaring up our own books P Answer that!
My Derby victory of this year is certainly amongst my most brilliant triumphs, and the name of Nicholas will henceforth be inseparably linked on the historical page with them of Gludiatenr and Giumshaw, than whom a cleverer couple never drew tho breath of life at Epsom, Surrey. Yet I look upon my prophooy simply as one of many upon which your readers may rely, the old man being spared, which, though a little rusty in the joints, and now and thon a hacking cough, is worth fifty dead 'uns still!
Likely as not, there may be found some detraotorlal whippersnappers, whom I wouldn't touch with my hunting-gloves on, nor demean myself by calling of them all tho most awful names as I can lay my tonguo to, who will point out to you, Mr. Editor, in anonymous letters, that in Number Three of the New Serious I didn't absolutely name Gladiateurto win; but then your French correspondent, Mossoo Godin, did, and do you think that /, as your trusted, and deservedly trusted, head of the Sportive Department, would have allowed such a statemont to appear in the light of print had Nicwolas not been of the Bame opinion? Sir, I would not have done it—not for untold coin. And did I not in my own communication speak warmly in favour of the winner, although some part of the paragraph having been wrote in the French language, perhaps accounts for the ignorant and low-bred young buffoons not understanding what Nicholas meant?
But, Mr. Editor, is this all? No, Mr. Editor, this is very far indeed from being all.
Look back, sir, to your own file in tho back office, and turn to page 19 in Number Two of the New Serious, published on May 27, 1865. Do you find the name of Gladiateur then, or is the old man a-trying to conoodlo you, as he may say?
You do find the name of Gladiateur given as a winner; and if your printer, as is a deal too fond of altering my contributions on account of alleged errors in stile and authorgiaphy, hadn't taken it upon himself to reverse the order in which I sent my tip, and put a "2" to Gladiateur's name instead of a " 1," whioh such it was in the original manuscript, why' even the voice of slander would now be hushed on land and sea, and the poisoned fangs of a carroty calumniator, since I can give no higher term to young Dick Jones, as called me a muff in the paddook itself, would Iqng since hare subsided into their native element—contempt! And if he didn't know I was getting old, like a foul-mouthed social nuisance which he is, and his father kep a beershop in the New Cut, would have thought twice before he hurled the arrows of Invective against the honourable head of Age!
But no one—not even yourself, Mr. Editor, nor any of your staff, than whom, I am sure, a more amiablo and affable body of young gentlemen, although perhaps a little oxtravagant and gay, but youth will bo served—can make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, and a sow's ear is only too eulogious a pattenngmimic for such as Jokes.
Want of space —the room given to sportive matter in your otherwise well-conducted journal not being adequate to the importance of the subject—forbids your prophet from giving you this present week
ODE TO MY CLOTHES.
(owed To My Tailor.)
Oh! isn't it hot!
Oh! isn't it hot!
The very stones
Have lost their tones
And, oh! isn't it hot!
I puff and blow and tetter and trickle,
A Btrong, hot India-piokle!
Bat in broiling June
I'm out of tune,
I'd glare at you,
Stare at you,
Heartily swear at you, For making a wealthy man of me, With the thermometer ninety-throe!
And, oh! how I hate my hat I Inst box of roasted air 1 With the hard hot brim ttiRt presses its rina With ail its main right into my brain, And it leaves its red trail there 1 And how I hate my blessed boots, Of pedal agonies the roots! Sources of throes and pangs and
And then my <
In thy blest time You wore no trousers, choker, collar, brace, or sleeve,
But went about,
In-doors and out,
Trousers, waistcoat, and coat
(kindly Communicated By Lord Dundreary.)
I Thay—look here n-now! What tho d-doothe can thith m-moan P I f-found it in the N-Newenwell Clerk, or the C-Clerkenwell Newth, or thome other f-fellow :—
SAM Hand* (Several good) wanted; only those accustomed' to card Work need apply. 16, street, Strand.
My b-bwothcr Th-tham ith thuch an ath! What can he w-want with m-more handth—he'th g-g-got four already, including his f-feet P P'rapth he w-wanth me to 1-lend him a hand. N-not a bit of it.
P.S. (by his lordship). I th-thpoko about it to tho editor, or thome other fellow, and ho thaid it was Mr. Th-thothern'th B-bwother Tham, and it was from the Claque-enwell Newth. But you thee if Th-thothern'th got a b-bwother Tham too, why Th-thotuern must be my f-father, or aunt, or thome other fellow.
P.P.S. (strictly in confidence, by hit lordship). Th-that editor or thome other fellow'th a 1-1-lunatic.