London, Wednesday, 31 May, 1865. That it is potent, this malt liquor of the Briton; how it mounts to the head, deadening and demoralizing even the brain the most active and the most fecund. Bring me soda-water; bring me brandy. I shall need to-day the full command of my intelligence. Not a single precaution, however unusual, must be neglected. I will even wash my face.

The morning is bright. I accept the omen. O sun of France, of Champagne, and Languedoc-or, as my English friend says, "Sparkling champagne and languid 'ock"-shine thou to-day upon the triumph of the Gladiateur, who has galloped so often beneath thy rays. Victory, victory!

III.

Epsom's, Wednesday, 31 May, 1865. Effectively behold us here at last. The journey has been long, The dignity of France has often been insulted in my person, and it has been impossible for me to punish the offender. The barbarians have made remarks of the most derisive upon my costume, which is rigorous to the height of fashion, and such as I have seen their own milords wear in the stalls of their vaunted opera: a plain "dresscoat," an Isle of Wight choker, an open vest, trousers of the same sombre hue, the gloves white as winter snow. That it is pretty, that it is graceful, I will not say; that it is eminently English, and exactly suited to a fashionable celebration like the Holy Derbi, I pledge ye my word of a gentleman.

They were mocking themselves of me when they said that the course would be attended only by a few, and that Epsom's is a tangled thicket in the heart of an old wood. It is an open heath, and see! already it is almost covered by the visitors. Can it be that the people, the proletarians, are assembling to crush their traditionary oppressors? I ask my companion, the Earl of Potter, and he says me "Yes; but there is a smile upon his face-a smile cynic and perfidious,

And, for myself, I see no signs of popular indignation. They enjoy themselves, those English there; they eat, they drink, they smoke, epicureans and gastronomers that they are.

All their celebrities are here. There is Archdeacon Boucicault, Mees Arrahbellagoddardnapogue, Undersheriff De Jersey, Calcraft, and all the other subordinate officers of justice, and the little dog that is kept to run along the course before the race. Ha! ha! PALMERSTONES, I take off my hat to thee, illustrious old one! He smiles me in revenge.

Some of the little competitions may interest the frivolous. I wait

for the Derbi himself.

"Come along, old fellow, to the paddock," says the Earl of Potter. Adieu! I close my packet. The instant that the race is over I will telegraph the result.

Accept the assurance of my consideration the most distinguished. JEAN GODIN.

Maxim.

BY A SPORTING PHILOSOPHER.

FROM OUR STALL.

[EDITOR'S NOTE.-A word of explanation is due to our readers. Our critic is a man of PALMERSTONIAN, SIR-ISAAC-NEWTONIAN, BACONIAN intellect, but he is as guileless and impressionable as a girl. If the simple fellow gets at all interested in a topic he is absolutely engrossed by it. He can talk and think of nothing else. It swamps every other consideration. Last June this child-like, guileless scholar was induced to lay a thousand to sixty against Breadalbane for the Derby that is to be run to-day, and as the hour of the race approaches, the excitement that possesses his baby-soul becomes overpowering. In the innocence and purity of his nature he is unable to see that his fellow-man is apt to get rather bored after six weeks of this sort of thing.]

(aged), of Transatlantic celebrity-made his first appearance at the A fortnight ago MR. WALCOT, an American horse-we mean man Olympic Theatre in the character of Major Wellington de Top Boots -no, De Boots-in MR. STIRLING COYNE'S capital comedy, A Thousand amount of dry humour-so dry, in fact, that we found it necessary to to Sixty-we should say Everybody's Friend. He possesses a certain pass the greater portion of our evening with the cherry brandy in the refreshment-room; but his action is angular and spasmodic, and, like almost all other horses from the same stable, he is a good deal given to public indulgence in five-shilling expletives. We do not think he is ever likely to distinguish himself in the important meeting for which he has been entered, and we are prepared to lay a thousand to sixty that in a few weeks he will subside into a useful but undignified theatrical hack. It is only fair to say that he appeared to be favourably considered by the "gentlemen" who backed him freely. Every stall and loose box in the stable was occupied.

We hear that MR. CHAPLIN's Breadalbane is suffering from a secret sprain; or, in other words, MR. STRANGE, of the Alhambra, has placed a new ballet and an illuminated fountain upon his stage in a manner which cannot fail to reward his enterprising disposition. If he would only abolish the comic singing, and especially abolish a certain terribly repulsive song called, "Speak up like a Man!" yelled forth by a masculine woman whose name we do not know, we would lay a thousand to sixty that he would reap the physical satisfaction of receipts as excellent as those which he now pockets, and the moral satisfaction of knowing that he was catering for a higher class of audience than the pipy snobs who alone could be pleased by such a performance as the one to which we have alluded.

We don't know why, but we always prefer the Hill. The view is much better, and the chances of losing your thousand or winning your sixty (supposing you have laid a thousand to sixty on, let us say, Breadalbane) can be watched for a considerable distance. This was the prevailing idea in our mind during the peformance of that dreary work, Midas, at Astley's the other evening. The Beggar's Opera preceded it, MISS PYNE and MISS REBECCA ISAACS singing the music of Polly Peachum and Lucy Lockit in a manner which left nothing to be desired: MISS PYNE is always charming, both as a singer and as an actress, and her performance in the Beggar's Opera at Astley's is as studied and as finished as anything she ever did at Covent Garden. We wish we could speak as favourably of her collaborateur, MR. WILLIAM BREADALBANE, whose running at the Spring Meeting has sent him back to 11 to 1. He will be at a thousand to sixty again before two o'clock on the 31st.

FROM OUR STOYLE.

By a miscorrection of the reader, which we may as well rectify at once, MR. TOOLE's name was printed for MR. STOYLE'S in our last week's notice of the latter gentleman's performance in Up Stairs and Down Stairs. Our readers, who have heard much about the jealousy that characterizes theatrical celebrities, will be glad to learn that these two gentlemen were observed to shake each other heartily by the hand in the Strand on the day after the publication of the number

MRS. BROWN GOES TO THE DERBY.

THE Derby, indeed! I should like to catch myself a-going. None of your races for me, MR. BROWN, as is things as has brought more parties to ruin than perhaps drink itself, as will undermind the pocket and bring sorrow to the heart. I ain't a-going to race. It's all very well to talk about MR. HEAFEY's cart, but I knows what that is capable on, that time as we did go. Certainly the weather was lovely, and me apanting for the green fields, so I give way. So BROWN says, "Go or stop, as you likes, but I'm off, and there's a seat in the cart for you." I says, "BROWN, if you think as I'm a-going to make a third on that front seat of that cart you're mistaken, for I'm sure, let alone being scrouged up, MR. HEAFEY'S elber in my side constant I can't stand," thro' him being that violent with that horse, and a-jerking at his mouth, and was enough to rinse his head off, so I says, 'No, thank you.' "Well," says BROWN, "then have a chair behind, where there's room, and ample, for four." Certainly the day was what I call a lowery day, and I said as there'd be rain afore long, thro' the new moon a-comin' up very much on her back, and my feet being that throbby as made me jump agin, and I was up that early as made me feel tired afore we started. And touch a bit with my breakfast I couldn't was it ever so, and BROWN was that aggravatin' and saying as I was dressed too hot, but I says, "I'm sure, BROWN, a-settin' about in the open air all day is apt for to stagnate the blood, as will take a chill sudden." MRS. HEAFEY, she's quite the lady, tho' thro' being his second, don't get on with his daughter by the first, as is older by two years, and as plain a gal as ever you set eyes on, but dressed out in a clear musling, as showed her black boots, as looked bad; and then there was little CHARLEY, as certainly MRS. HEAFEY do make a fool on, thro' him bein' the only one, and sickly from his birth; and there was MRS. HEAFEY's mother, as is a party I can't abear, thro' havin' seen her in liquor myself; and then there was BROWN and me, seven in all, and I'm sure the way as that cart tilted up when MRS. JARVIS, as is MRS. HEAFEY's mother, got in behind nearly pitched me

HEALTH OF THE METROPOLIS.

IN consequence of the heat, it is feared that there will be very little business on Wednesday, 31st instant. Several eminent capitalists have already expressed a belief that they will then be suffering from sudden and severe, but it is hoped temporary, indisposition. It is just possible that this complaint-which is reported to be contagious-may also affect a few of their clerks.

The disease is said to have no affinity with the Russian pestilence; and, curiously enough, it only prevails even in England about the latter end of May. The symptoms, however, are well known and clearly discernible. For two or three days the victim appears to suffer from great restlessness, amounting in many cases to nervous irritability; and yet, at the crisis of the case, he suddenly experiences such a feverish accession of strength that he has often been known to drive several miles into the country. Whilst this paroxysm lasts, he is scarcely a reasonable being, and frequently covers his face with a long blue veil. On the next morning, his eyes are usually heavy and his face is deadly pale; it is with difficulty that he can be kept awake; and although his weight may not have altered, he frequently during his delirium has been known to lose a good many pounds. By the end of the week, the worst features of the malady have disappeared; but there is no security against its recurrence next May.

High Water at London Bridge.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 31.-There will be no high water at London-bridge this day, in consequence of the River Thames following the general example, and running down to Epsom. The River, however, trusts that he may be able to return to his duties on the 1st of June.

An 'Airy Nothing.

A YOUNG friend who has been in the habit of wearing a sham moustache and imperial, says there's nothing like "a Derby tip "--because it's certain not to come off.

Horse Play.

WHAT game do racers play with c'rect cards at Epsom? -All-fours, we suppose; but they leave the shuffling and queer dealing to the bipeds.

backwards, and I was that aggravated with BROWN, as keep a-callin' of us ballast. And when we started, the way as the sharfs stuck out in front of that horse's head like horns was singler, but certainly he looked beautiful, thro' being dressed out lovely with lay locks and laburniums, and seemed quite proud on it, a-tossing of it up like a fellow-creature; and certainly a very pleasant drive we had, I must say; not as I was over comfortable, thro' the basket of provisions being crammed in so as I couldn't move my feet, and a large stone bottle of beer a-crowding up the bottom of the cart, and that boy CHARLEY akeepin' a-climbing all over the cart, as I expected under the wheel at every turn. Well, if it hadn't been for the dust as was clouds, I should have liked to have looked about me, and was thankful for a glass of ale now and then as we took, and it was very pleasant but for words atween BROWN and MR. HEAFEY about the road, as got thicker and thicker at every turn as we took; and I never did-sich elegance, the carriages with ladies dressed that lovely as made you quite think as they must be duchesses at least; and the postboys with silk jackets and ribbins, and the gentlemen in their wails as looked very effemeral, and the driving and the hooting; but whatever they kep a-shooting peas at me for I can't think, tho' I'm sure some gentlemen outside of a four-horse coach was werry polite, and says, 'Ow are you, MRS. BROWN?" and I certainly was very nigh stifled with heat and dust, and when the sun come out I thought I should have died. When all of a sudden we stopped thro' a sudden jerk as pitched me nearly out of the cart, and then found as we was there, and glad I was to get out of that cart, tho' my limbs that cramped as down I goes thro' BROWN a-jumping me out sudden, and I says, "BROWN, I never shall get up no more unless I has a something for to take," as certainly brought me round. But law, the dust, I never was in such a state, and I was downright sick of hearing them HEAFEYS a-wrangling, so I walks myself off along with the child. BROWN, he hollars out; and he says, "Don't you miss us." I says, "BROWN, I wasn't born yesterday," and off I goes, and we walks along and kep seein' the company arrive. Well, we was a-walking along, and

666

fellows kep' a-offering of me cards, and wanted me to have a sky, and a brazen creatur begun a-telling of my fortune along of the side of a carriage where there was a lot of grinning fellows, and the next carriage was full of parties, as of course was ladies, but I must say as they was too free in their ways for me; so after we'd walked about ever so long thro' feelin' tired, I says, "CHARLEY," I says, "we'll go back." He says, Do," and we was walking along, when all of a sudden I got a crack of the side of my head as made me hollar, and down I goes like a shot. It was one of them fools as was a-shying at pincushions and things as had missed his aim and struck me. I says, "You villain, I'll have the law on you. Police!" I says, and if they didn't all laugh. Well, we kep' a-walking and a-walking, and I couldn't see nothin' of the cart, tho' I knowed the spot where I'd left it; so at last we gets out of the scrouge into a open place where there wasn't nobody a-walking, and was looking at a place where crowds was asetting one above the other. I says, "I wonder who they can be," when all of a sudden a chap comes a-ridin' up and says, "Get off the course, will you?" "No," I says, "I won't. I'm a-looking for MR. HEAFEY'S cart as is close at hand, and I shan't go till I finds it." He says, "You must go. Here!" he says, and out rushes two policemen like tigers on me. Little CHARLEY began a-screaming, people was aholloing and a-hooting, the police catches 'old of me by the arms, and if they didn't run me along with them till my breath was gone and my legs a-failin', and ketches my foot in something, and down we all went with that shock as half stunned me, and when I come to, parties was a-standin' round, and give me water as I wouldn't touch thro' fear of a chill, and CHARLEY a-screamin' for his "Ma," and one lady says to me, "Mum, it's a mercy as you're here; for," she says, "if them police hadn't saved you, you'd a-been run down." Well, I'd lost my redicule, and hadn't no change to get nothin' for to pacify CHARLEY, as would keep on a-'owling awful, till I loses all patience, and gives him a good shake, and heard MRS. HEAFEY hollar out, "You please to let my child alone, you old wixen!" and there we was close agin the cart. So I says, " Mum," I says, "he did ought to be taught better." I was put out, for BROWN began a-blowing me up and said as they'd waited for me ever so long; and if they hadn't been and had the wittles and messed everything about! I'm sure the meat-pie as I'd made looked as if dogs had been at it. I couldn't a-touched it, so I hadn't nothing but a bit of bread and cheese and a drop of beer as was flat as ditch-water, and was that hurt with MRS. HEAFEY, as I went and set down on the ground, and certainly BROWN did bring me a little cold without when he come, and said he was going. So I gets into that cart with a heavy heart, and we was just a-driving off when I got a blow in the back as took my breath away, and if it wasn't parties in coaches as was a-pelting with oranges as came as thick as hail asmashing all over me. I felt that faint, that if I hadn't had a something in my redicule as I kep' a-takin' for to support me; and MRS. JARVIS, she was snoring all the way, and was took ill quite sudden, and said it was the cart; but I says, "Mum," I says, "it's other things on the top of the cart;" but just then I took that faint myself, and down come the rain in torrents, and crowds a-'owling and hitting at one all the way from Clapham, and I remember no more till I was in bed in the morning, and BROWN says to me, jeering, "I say, old gal, beer and sperrits won't mix." I says, "BROWN," I says, "that air was too bracing for me to take-to sudden, and that's what disagreed with me." He only says, Walker! So I says, "Never will I go so far out in one day and back again as long as my name's BROWN, for them sudden changes don't suit me."

66

ON THE ROAD.-Duct. AIR-" Skidamalink." HUSBAND (in reference to the young ladies at the Clapham Academies).— Akidemy wink, they do! they do! Akidemy wink so sly do! JEALOUS WIFE.

A pity, methink, that they are not brought up more strictly, I do! HUSBAND (slyly, to young ladies).—

Oh, did'emy wink-it's true! it's true! Akidemy wink so sly do! WIFE (alluding to husband's high complexion).—

Epitome pink of all that's bad in man, consider you, I do!

INVOCATION.-AIR-"Old Bob Ridley."

Come white folk from de dingy city!
Where it's hot and very gritty!

Come and pay your shot here like men!
Fraternize with the lowly pikemen!

Who do rob prettily, oh! (bis)
Who do rob prettily, oh! Heigho!

(Spoken.)-White folk! are you lookin' to see if your change is right? For they do rob prettily, oh!

VULGAR MAN (chaffing a bald one).-(AIR-"Home, sweet home.")
Oh, bald indiwiddle, with high, shiny dome,

In summer, in winter, there's no place to comb!
Comb! comb! Sma-all too-ooth comb!

There's no place to comb! there's no-o place to comb!

BALD ONE (in reply).-(AIR-" Billy Taylor.")
Bill o' tailor you are wont, young feller,
To draw out, when at home you be,
Books of patterns you diskiver,

For your customers to see!

ON THE COURSE.-Solo. AIR-"In the Strand."

MEAN MAN (cadging for lunch).—

For some time past I've been cadging,
Which is cheaper than a temporary ladging

On the Stand! on the Stand! on the Stand! on the Stand!

I think, with a shiver, and a tremor, and a flutter,

Of the lobster salad and the bread and butter

On the Stand! on the Stand! on the Stand! on the Stand!
I do a better plan see,-I do! I do!

I'll cadge about, and find friends out,
If any friend I can see,-I will! I will!
If any friend I can see.

Economical Duet.-AIR-"Bright Chanticleer"

HUSBAND. Bright champagne here absorbed I mourn;
I don't know where it's gone;
The cost of this affair to-day
Is one perpetual thorn.
You'd better tot it up, my dear,
And see how much it makes;
Until you do you'll be as dull
As melancholy JACQUES.

WIFE.

(Pronounced

"Shakes.")

HUSBAND (absently).-Eh? Oh! (then in bad French) Je vais ! WIFE (soothingly).— 'Tain't heavy, 'tain't heavy, 'tain't heavy. HUSBAND.-Eh? Oh! Je vais !

WIFE.

'Tain't heavy, 'tain't heavy.

HUSBAND (sceptically).-'Tain't, eh?

(Making up his accounts.)-Brought forward, brought forward. WIFE.- "Tain't heavy, 'tain't heavy. HUSBAND.

"Tain't, eh?

If this goes on much longer, why
I'm sure that I shall die.

THE ROAD HOME.-Concerted piece. AIR-"Slap Bang."
GENT (in one carriage to Lady in another).—

Oh, how I love you, MARY ANN, is more than I can say.
LADY'S YOUNG MAN.-

You'd better mind what you're about in that there one-horse chay.
GENT.-

I'll knock your head into your lungs, and that'll serve you right. Crowd. Oh, here's a jolly lark! them swells is going for to fight. LADY (to Gent in carriage).—

Oh, you shocking Pollio!

You Pollio! You Pollio! Oh, you shocking Pollio! Whoever that may be.

GENT (hitting Lady's Young Man).—

Ha ha ha! Pshah! pshah! pshah! Tra, la, la!

LADY'S YOUNG MAN (hitting him back).-Bang!

All.-What a hurricane! What a hurricane! What a hurricane!

Fal, lal, lido.

Slap!

GENT (same business).—