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TOWN TALK.

B Sauntereb. Ix Society.

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EMBERS of Parliament ore released at last. By the end of this week the House will be given up to duBtcrs and desolation. The speaker resigns in favour of the charwoman, and the maco is relieved by the carpet-hroom. Tho business of the day will be begun when Mrs. Jones "rises to move" tho furniture, and adjournments will be made to allow tho honourable ladies to go to tea "with just a somothink in it," as Mrs. Brown has it," In the meantime, honourablo gentlemen will bo endeavouring to persuade thoir constituencies to mako them another "return" for their invaluablo services. I may mention hero, as a warning to constituencies in general, that I have resolutely declined to come forward on behalf of several places which have selfishly besought me to give up to a small party what was meant for mankind—a representative of Fun needs not desire a larger constituency.

I Fear it is of little use to raise one's voico in the interests of reason during the prevalonco of a panic, but I cannot resist expressing my disgust at tho silly people who, by writing and talking so rabidly about dogs, will frighten more persons into hydrophobia than ever were bitten into it by four-footed mad creatures. Where aro tho scientific men that they do not speak up in tho interest of humanity, no less than of the canine species f Tho police reports teem with cases which, I think, would, in the majority of instances, be best described as "bites" in tho senso in which that word was used in Swift's time. You can detect traces of spite in most of them, and of ignorant terror in the rest. That intelligent magistrate, Mr. Yardley, has not, of course, missed tho opportunity of distinguishing himself. He delivered himself the other day of tho sago remark that ho "observed that dogs generally were sagacious enough to know that boys, as a rule, were very fond of them." If that bo true tho sagacity of dogs must be on a par with that of police magistrates, which would bo damaging for the dogs. Tho affection of London boys for animals generally takes tho solid form of a stone, and the dogs quite appreciate Buch attentions. I have, I may add in conclusion, studiod dogs for many years, and I havo detected fewer signs of insanity in them than in magistrates, whether stipendiary or unpaid.

I sauntered into tho British Institution the other day, at the imminent risk of having my nose snapt off by tho grim Janitor of that establishment, who appears to havo taken to that line of business from the samo amiable motivo which, according to Sam Weller, induces men to turn pikemen. There are some fine Vandykes in the collection, and many other pictures of great merit and interest. The English school is not quite so well represented as it has been in other years. By tho way, I seo Lord Dekby—why does he not retire from politics and tako up literature and the fino arts ?—has mado a most excellent suggestion for the establishment of a loan exhibition of national portraits, to bo arranged in chronological order. He proposes that likenesses of well known people by inferior artists, and likenesses of unknown peoplo by illustrious artists shall be given a place, and the idea is a good one. But wo must bo careful not to let the Boilers clique, who havo ruined the Miniature Exliibition, havo any hand in the business.

The visit of tho Empress Eugenie to Rosa Bonheur's studio in order to confer upon her a Cross of tho Legion of Honour, was one of those graceful acts which monarchs of old performed so splendidly. In the interests of art some historic painter should make record of it in a picture.

I Am sorry to hear bad reports of the fruit crop. Tho Devonshire apple crox> is blighted—a sad termination after the profuse promise of the blossom. Struwberries havo been ruined for want of rain. Why does not some energetic promoter start a company (limited), to supply shine and shower to tho agricultural districts according to order? A large dividend might be expected, and in these scientific days there ought to bo no difficulty in the scheme.

Shall we never get rid of the exploded Davenport" do"? Theirrepressible Ferguson, who did the talkee-talkeo for those ingenious contortionists, has cropped up again. A room in Newman-street, which has been degraded from a low dancing saloon into a Spiritual Athcna.'um, was the scene of his last appearance, when ho mado a

farewell address, embodying a happy combination of Yankeo speculativeness with down East veracitv. Now he reappears in a volume of "Supermundano Facts, in. the Life of the Rev. Jesse Baboock FerGuson, A.M., LL.D."

In spito of tho heat and tho near approach of the end of tho season, tho world of fashion has not shunned places of amusement. The Academy has been as crowded as over, and Covcnt Garden, with " extra nights" too, has presented tho same Bplendid spectacle as usual. It certainly is a noble theatre; tho scale on which tho present management conduct it ought to ensuro success.

A TALL DESCEIPTION—SOME!

An American newspaper in giving an account of tho reception of General Grant at West Point, shunts off into tho following Transatlantic transcendental:—

"Tho dinner (ciTcn to General Grant by the board of visitors commenced at half-paet four o'clock, and was truly a magnificent affair. Fifty-four plates were laid, and the entertainment, served by Mr. Roe, was rare and excellent beyond anything known at the Point. The fourteen heads of the academic board, and the visitors and their families, numbering twenty-seven, sat at the board with Mr. and Mrs. Grant, Mrs. Waller, Miss Stetson, Mrs. Bigclow, the beautiful and spirited wife of the French Minister, the superb daughters of Ex-GovernerFish, and the manly staff of the Lieutenant-General. The old war-horse. General Scott, was obliged by feebleness to decline an invitation forwarded to him."

No doubt the writer thinks that the French minister will bo for ( grateful to him for calling his wife "beautiful and spirited "—h Bo doat on spirit in their wives. To call a number of officers a "manly staff," is a stroko of genius. What should wo mere English havo thought of a journalist who nicknamed tho late Loud Clyde an "old war-horse," or stated that "feebleness" compelled him to decline an invitation?

"The hall of the hotel was crowded with spectators, watching to see the ladies pass to the dining-room. The richest dresses and the most magnificent display of jowelry marked the banquet. Mrs. Sherwood was one of the most beautiful ladies at thn board, and her toilet was faultless. When all were seated, the coup d'ceil was beautiful in the extreme—the carefully arranged coiffures of the ladies, spangled with diamonds and pearls, were set below with eyes as bright as the pure atmosphere of the bighlauus could make them; while the whiteness of the gauze upon their bosoms, set in many cases with a bracelet, wherein all the precious stones flushed and dazzled, rendered nothing beyond worthy of regard except the mould of the cr.am-white arms, which moved like music to the steady ring of silver forks; and the rich lips opening now and then, to the bid of strawberries and ices, and the tiniest radishes of the garden, showed teeth too beautiful for mastication."

This is tremendous! You see tho "coiffures of the ladies were set below with eyes as bright, &c., while tho whiteness of the gauze upon their bosoms, set in many cases "—that is tho whiteness set—" with a bracelet" (a bracelet on tho gauze upon their bosoms) "wherein all the precious stones flashed and dazzled, rendored nothing beyond worthy of regard" (havo a care, Washington Jenkins !) "except," &c. How the mould of tho cream-white arms could more like music to the steady ring of silver forks—unless, indeed, tho quests mado a considerable clatter on their plates—we aro at a loss to imagine; but then we havo no imagination on this sido of the Atlantic—no, sir—or wo should understand how "the rich lips could open now and then to the bid of strawberries and ices, and tho tiniest radishes of tho garden; and show teeth too beautiful for mastication.

Aro radishes considered fruit on tho free and enlightened sido of tho "big drink "—and do tho Yankees even eat teeth {

But there is yet more to follow :—

"There was laughter, and jru tTesprit, and here and there a moraont of scarce apparent coquetry, and much was said of the moonlight in M Flirtation-row," where, from the beginning of things, loven who have a rijiht to be, and lovers who shouldn't be, have strolled in examination week to pinch each other's* kid gloves, and raise tht merry deuce in eath other1* faces. Of course there were flags to drape the dinino-hall in constellations and crimson cornices mixed with snow: while, calm as Mereau, at the Court of Napoleon, Grant, lor whom all these jewels had been convoked, sat, small and well-balanced and affable, near his quiet wife, herself superbly dressed, to bo looked at between the courses as if he were a sovereign relish, or something to be eaten."

Surely the writer must bo a cannibal. Ho first considers ladies' teoth too beautiful for mastication (perhaps he would havo thought ugly teeth appetising); and then ho regards General Grant as an entrcmet—" a sovereign relish, or something to be eaten." Certainly tho Americans are an extraordinary people—of what wonderful powers of recuperation must they not bo possessed to produce such a writer after such a war!

Curious Anecdote.

41 In verger clad."

One of the vergers of St. Paul's refuses to show the epitaph on Sir, Christopher Wren to any one who is not in full dress, lie bases his refusal on tho ground that the Latin sentence directs it, by stating clearly—" Si momimentum reguirit, sir, come spicy."

A Round Number.—Nought.

SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.

Serious Misunderstanding Between Ourselves And Nicholas. Ample Apology On Our Tart. The Good And Gifted Man Forgives, And All Is Joy!

Our readers have no doubt remarked the absence of any communication from Nicholas in our last number, but a thrill of terror, followed by a spasm of relief, will run through their breasts when wo tell them that wo were very near losing the invaluable servieos of that immortal prophet.

The following correspondence explains itself:—

1.—From Nicholas To The Editor.

Belgravia.

Nicholas presents his compliments to the Editor, and which 1 have just seen Number Six of your New Serious, where it as good as hints that your Prophet was not in France at the time he mado his' remarkable prophecy of a dead heat between Ely and General Peel, but had waited at Ascot itself until the race was over, and then wrote a false address, a course of action as is little short of not being exactly what you would consider quite a gentlemanly thing to do, on which ho will only observe that common courtesy to ono almost old enough to bo your grandfather, not to speak of gratitudo to one whoso sporting tips aro equal to any in tho world, bar none, and the true explanation is as follows:—That ho forgot to put tho letter in the post when ho wrote it at tho Grand Hotel, Paris, and was surprised not to hoar from you in acknowledgment of its receipt, than which nothing is more clearly your duty so to do as editor of tho New Serious, and when the old man came over to England and went down to Ascot, along of many other aristocratic sportsmen, I was horrified at finding the letter still in my pocket, so posted it at Windsor along of anothor letter as fully explained circumstances, but which second letter it is just within the bounds of possibility as you may not have received it, Nicholas well remombcring now that his attention is called to the fact as in his haste he forgot to stick on a Queen's head, but even thon you might surely have paid the double postage if it reached you; and if to the contrary, both Reason and Equity should have forbidden to address what he can only stigmatise as a uncalled for rebuke in public to an old man as has done a good deal to make the fortune of the New Serious, quite as much so perhaps as any of the other contributors, although than whom perchance I am sure a more affable body of young gentlemen, though a little gay.

Mr. Editor, it is me who have a right to an explanation, and I will say even an apology.

Withdraw your suspicions, sir, and set him right along with the Sportivo Public, or not only will ho contributo to other journals, but if tho Prophet were not quite so much in the vale of years, or had he a son to protect him in his advanced middle age, my outraged honour might oblige mo to resort to that awful measure of sending you a friend, and letting you choose your own weapon, sir, for though old was once as fine a shot as ever pulled a trigger at Hornsey Wood.

Yours, as you use him,

Nicholas.

The patty who brings this Waits a responsivo answer.

n.—From The Editor To Nicholas.

80, Fleet-street,

The Editor begs to express his regret that he has hurt the feelings of a most esteemed contributor. He only did so by way of joke. He unreservedly withdraws his imputations upon the Prophet's good faith, and humbly trusts that he may still bo favoured with some copy for Number Eight, N. S.

3.—From Nicholas To The Editor.

Belgravia.

To tho noblest of Editors, and one of the most magnanimous of men.

Dear Sir,—After your vivacious and euphemistical epistolary composition, expressive of your contrition, in tho most valedictory and eleemosynary terms, nothing remains for your vaticinatory prophet but cordially to reciprocato your benevolent similes and hold forth (in correspondence) the outstretched hand that is symbolical of affectionate recognition and roconciliatory feelings of amitude and cordiality.

Tho heart must be greatly fuller of rancour, vindictiveness, owing a grudge, evil speaking, lying or slandering, than is that of Nicholas, which could peruse your manly tribute without a tear of conscious rectitude mingled with joy, and tho next timo he meets you hopes as we may bury any lingering feelings of mutual animosity over a good glass of sherry wine, and should be glad if any of the other contributors would join along of us, than whom, as I have often said in tho New Serious of your Sportive Organ, perhaps a more affable body of

young gentlemen, though a little gay. I send a few lines for Number Eight, as desired, and am devotedly and exclusively your own

Nicholas.

Wc append our Contributor's brief but interesting tip :—
To The Sportive Men Op England.

Well, my noblemen and gentlemen, did you think the Old Man had left you in tho lurch, or quitted the paper in a huff? Not ho.

Unfortunately, his selection for the Northumberland Plato at Newcastle is now too late, and may look like an afterthought, but had it been in time might have saved hundreds from backing Caller Ou and helped them to put the pot on by backing

Brown Bread As The Absolute Winner. Never mind. I have a good thing for Goodwood, and a certainty for the Leger. In addition to general information, will soon begin his

History Of Knurr And Spell!!!

Nicholas.

If Breadalbane wins the Lcger, Nicholas pledges himself to cat him.

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.

Art Student.—An original Rcbrens (wo do not hesitate to pronounce yours to be a wrong spelling of tho great painter's name) need not necessarily be done in heel-ball. Your plan for pronouncing on the genuineness of a Clawed by tho seratchiness of its stylo will not, wo fear, prove an infallible test.

A Politician.—The Italian question is not a mere riddle, although it commences with "Ven is."

A, Flat.—We cannot inform you whethor there is any law of music to prevent you from playing the banjo until you are black in the face.

Yankee.—We aro unable to satisfy tho question suggested by your national prido. Wo havo not been ablo to ascertain whether an eminent Londoner, of Scottish extraction but Cockney birth, did really exclaim, on seeing Mrs. Tom Thumb with her baby in her arms, " What a Wee-nus!"

Musical.Handel is supposed to have taken his title from the ingenious turns he introduced into his harmonies.

A Fisherman.—Your idea about the book on livo bait is erroneous; Hie Gentle Life has no connection with the existence of merry maggots.

An Uncle.—Pawnbrokers have never to our knowledge been described as the pioneers of progress, although it must be admitted that they aro always ready to make an advance.

Sound Reasoning.

Quotii Rubric, "If the faith be sound,

Its fruits in substance will abound."

Quoth Black and White, "Tho world has found,

Substance tho less, tho more tho sound."

A FOOD DE JOIE.

TO THE EDD1TUR OF FUN.

Deer Fun,—They 'avo aperiently found out tho right sort of fizzic for us poor chaps at last. Look hear what the Times scz:—

Just pubtiahod, price 2d., bv post 3d.,

ON FOOD as a MEANS of PREVENTION of DISEASE. Br Ehasmus Wilson, F.R.S. Jon>' Churchill and Sons, New Burlington-street.

AH rite, Mr. Wilson, I'm for you! Prevention is better than cure, and there's no disease like a mt Btumick. I wish, Mr. Fun, you'd be good enuff to get this 'sist-'em generally adopted in workhouses and in poor distrix. Yours, etc.,

» A Native Of Huno'ry.

A Philosophical Reflection.

The lotteries got up among the thioves for the benefit of one of the profession who has been in troublo aro known as "Friendly Leads." How curiously one is reminded of this by tho enquiry recently instituted into the dealings of Messrs. R. Betiiell and Wilde with reference to certain bankruptcy appointments, at a plaeo which should be henceforth remembered, in connection with their amicable arrangements, as " friendly Leeds."

THE RIGHT-IN-TTTE-MAIN DRAINAGE. It is proposed to call the Isle of Dogs, tho Isthmus of Sewers in future.

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THIS SKETCHER'S CAUGHT.

Extract from a letter from Scheelcs Green, E*q.:—"I camo down here, as you know, my dear fellow, to sketch the coast scenery, hut since my arrival I have hecome convinced there's nothing like the ' human form divine,' so I'm studying the figure."

[But what tcould Bessie say if she knew that he called her a figure?

FBOM OUB STALL.

There has been but little news during the past week for us to chronicle Miss Batsman has played Paulino in Bulwer's had, effective play of the Lady of Lyons, and has wingod her flight from the Adolphi to tho provinces; and Mr. Toole has takon a benefit which was "a bumper," et voila Toole—we should say voila tout; but our readers will excuse grammar in consideration of hoat and past services.

Talking of past services,—of course it is possible for one original French piece to serve tho purpose of two translators. The new comedietta of My Better Half had better have (Oh!) not been produced at the Strand, because another edition ef tho samo piece was played at the Adelphi some short time ago under the title of the Woman of Business .' Every English dramatist has a right to appropriate every French dramatist's work the instant it is published. Tho miserablo Crapauds, did wo not vanquish them at Trafalgar, and at tho ever memorable Waterloo P But it is unfair for two English dramatists to be down upon ono French piece. Why ono British sailor could—but never mind that. life is short, and tho Brothers Lew's catalogue is long, and there is no occasion to make one drama do double duty.

By the way, we havo a suggestion to make to the managers of the London theatres who, as wo know, aro ever anxious to promote tho comfort of thoso patrons who, &c. During tho summer could not tho stalls bo iced? A four-guinea refrigerator under each seat would effect this desirable object.

Art Note.

The Exhibition now on view at tho South Kensington consists of miniatures, but the sum charged for the catalogues is designed on a large scale. The apparent discrepancy is, however, reconciled by the littleness of mind displayed in demanding so large a price.

MBS. BBOWN VISITS THE WEST END.

I Says to Mrs. Probit, I says, "If sho was a child of mine I'd have it looked to; for," I says, "turned twelve, and no taller than that, don't prove strength."

So says she to me, "I don't never expect to rear her, for sho says tho 'art is on the wrong side."

I says, "Oh, indeed!" tho' for my part I don't believe she's got no 'art at all, as is a limb, and I knowed very well as it was pigeonbreasted as tho gal was, and as crooked as a ram's horn, likewise in temper, tho' parents don't soe that clear as lookers-on.

"Well," says sho, " wherever had I better take her?"

I says, "There is one party where I've been with to a doctor as did wonders with tho throat, and why not the chest, as is only a little lower down, and all about tho same regents, as I heerd the doctor say myself."

Then she says, "We'll go to-morrow."

"No," I says, "never!"

"Why not? P" says she.

"Go of a Friday P I won't."

"Well," says she, "right you are, for I've know'd troubles thro' a-doing things of Fridays, for if that very gal warn't born on a Friday, now you mention it."

I says, "That's where it is, you sec."

"Well," says sho, "Saturday is a-ill-convonient day for being out, and Monday ain't no better."

I says, "Well, say Tuesday, as don't seem no day, leastways it's a day as I don't look to."

"Then," says she, "Tuesday we'll go."

I says, "I'm agreeable."

If ever there was a toaster of a day it was that Tuesday—sweltering I may say.

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