MRS. BROWN AT THE DRAMATIC FETE.

I DON'T think as ever I was so flustered in my life, and all nothing after all. For I was a-thinkin' as I was goin' to have a quiet day, and set my heart on unpicking my coburg, as I'm going to have dyed, when in comes our JANE's JOE.

I says, "JoE, whatever is it ?"

He says, "Mother has sent me over for to ask you to come and spend the day to have broad beans and bacon," as I'm partial to, and he says, "As JANE and me is a-goin', and I'm that late as I can't stay a moment," and off he goes.

Well, I says, I didn't want to go nowheres, but his mother is that peppery if you seems at all cool, and BROWN does make such a row about me a-keeping of her at her distance, as is a low-lived woman, and given to abuse, so I thort as it was best to go.

The way as I busted thro' dressing nobody wouldn't credit, and the heat as I was in was downright wapour baths.

Off I sets, and nearly dropped a-gettin' to the end of the street, where I was just in time to miss a 'bus, and had to wait a quarter of a hour, which was as well perhaps, for if I hadn't took a something at the Catherine Wheel, I don't think as I could have gone on. When the 'bus did come it was that full, and the way as a party give me a shove, and used low abuse, thro' me a-treading quite light on his foot, you'd a thought as I'd been a elephant.

I got out of the 'bus close to London-bridge, as I hurries over, thro' a-seein' as it was late, thro' Joe's mother a-dinin' full early, as I considers twelve to be. I was looking out for the Bermondsey 'bus all over the bridge, as would set me down at the door, and gets quite on to the top of Tooley-street when I hears, "MRS. BROWN, Mrs. BROWN!" So I thinks it's only jeers, and keeps on, when a blow in the back nearly sends me for'ards, and round I turns for to resent such freedoms, and there was that boy SAM, as is Joe's youngest brother, a-grinning like wild.

"Whatever do you mean by taking away any one's

So I says, breath like that."

I says, "Oh, indeed, like Chelsea 'Ospital where the Greenwich pensioners is." Says she, "No doubt."

Well," I says, "I'll take myself home again." "No," says she, come along with us, and a pleasant day we shall have." So I don't like to throw cold water over nobody, and give way, and off we went just in time for to have a good fight for the train, as I got into with difficulties, thro' the man a-shetting in my gownd, as prevented me a-setting down comfortable, as was that scrouged, as it's well as the journey wasn't long.

Dear heart! when we got there, what with the stairs and passages I was dead-beat afore we got into the Pallis, as was that full as one couldn't think where they all come from.

The noise and the din was that confusion as I couldn't make out whatever was a-goin' on. There certainly was a deal of lovely ladies,

THE BATTLE OF HUSTINGS,

As now Performing at the (Polling) Booth.

BENDIZZI THE BANDIT

LORD P

1

MRS. BRITANNIA.

as looked like fairies in their musling bowers; not as I held with the way as them young gents was a-staring and a-making remarks as was too free. But, law bless you, I don't think as I'd been in the place ten minutes before I lost sight of MRS. SIMMONS and all. So I went about a-looking at things as was dancing sweeps, and acting of plays, for all the world like Brookgreen Fair, as I once went to when quite a gal. After a bit I went for to see a wild-beast show, as was certingly wery natural for stuffed and one donkey, as was life-like even to eating. What pleased me most was a gentleman in the name of ToOLE, as was lecturin', and certainly wonderful he was, as showed off a stout gentleman, as I should call a fine man. I see as they was parties as know'd all manner as was wonderful to hear; not as I could see why ever some idiots kep' a-grinnin' and a-shovin' so as I couldn't hear distinct, but it must have been very fine. Just as we was a-comin' out I fell in with young SAM, as took me to where his mother was, and a very nice dinner we got, and plenty of very good beer, as I enjoyed, and very agreeable everything was, and when we was goin' off agin in the Pallis, that SAM said as he would have a ice, a thing as I never tasted, and was persuaded, but, lor, the first mouthful was that shock, for I swallowed it sudden, thro' its being that slippy, and oh, the hagony as I was in, and if it hadn't been for hot brandy and water constant, I don't think I should have lived thro' it, and was bent double, I may say, hours as brought on that headache as I was distracted, so I says, "Let me alone quiet in a corner," and there I sat till MRS. SIMMONS come to say it was time to go, and she'd had a pleasant day, and I dare say she had; but the fright as we had to get into the train quite upset me, and I was that bad all the way home that they put me in a cab at London-bridge, and when I got home BROWN had to fetch MR. MIDGET, as attends me, as said it was a mercy it didn't bring on somewhat as was serous, and me in them agonies thro' being attacked by rheumatics as laid me up for many a day, and it's my opinion, on the whole, as them Fancy Fairs ain't much suited to me, tho' certainly very beautiful they are, and if they do good, why, of course, I ain't one to speak agin them, tho' they don't suit me.

TOPSY-TURVY PAPERS.

III. HORATIO'S "HAMLET."

[No antiquarian can be insensible to the great historic value of certain manuscripts lately discovered at Elsinore. As soon as it became known that the documents were in the handwriting-and indeed bore the signature of the unfortunate PRINCE HAMLET'S favourite equerry, the most intense excitement was created in literary circles. It has always been the conviction of scholars that HORATIO spent the latter years of his life-years of sadness and solitude-in the compilation of a biographical work relating to the career of his royal and unfortunate master. This hypothesis is justified by the recent discovery, and the scientific world is at length in possession of an authentic life of HAMLET, from the pen of one who had ample opportunities of hearing his conversation and studying his character. have great pleasure in laying before the public certain extracts copied from the original manuscript by our Special Commissioner in Denmark.] EXTRACT FROM THE PREface.

lated to interest the student of human nature.

We

Even in the life of the meanest mortal there are many events calcuHow much more entertainment and instruction may be found in the adventures of such an exalted personage as the hero of the following brief memoir; an individual raised by birth and parentage to the most eminent of positions, and ultimately driven to the most painful and untimely of deaths by the force of circumstances over which he had literally no control! It is with sentiments which may actually be more easily imagined than described, that I endeavour to recall the most interesting events in the life of His Royal Highness the late-lamented PRINCE HAMLET. EXTRACTS FROM THE BIOGRAPHY.

He was

I was introduced to the Prince soon after he came to complete his education at Wittenberg University. He was then a tall, slim youth, excessively fond of field sports, and betraying very little partiality for study. I had the distinguished honour of cleaning his Royal Highness's boots on several occasions during his stay at college. also good enough to consult me on the subject of a valentine which he was about to send to Miss POLONIUS, the only daughter of the Prime Minister. I wrote some verses to oblige him, beginning with "The rose is red." I forget the rest, but my distinguished friend was good enough to say that he thought them very sparkling and epigrammatic. I took the liberty of enquiring whether he really felt attached to the young lady; but on his replying, "Mind your own business," my instinctive tact led me to change the subject, and I immediately talked

about the weather, on which theme the PRINCE was always amusing and original.

66

A few days after this memorable conversation I ventured to ask him whether he believed in apparitions. His reply was so characteristic that I at once transferred it to my common-place book. 'Why, no, sir," he answered, "but I should think none the worse of a man after hearing that he believed in apparitions; for he who can refuse credence to the asseverations of honest ignorance is liable to be misled by the protestations of Machiavellian subtlety. I don't exactly see why; but it is so, and there's an end of it."

Some years later I took the liberty of testing my royal friend's opinion on this question by means of a practical joke, which unfortunately led-as practical jokes generally do-to the most serious results. Having obtained a remarkably large turnip and scooped out the interior, I introduced a pocket-lantern into the cavity. After mounting this formidable looking object upon a long pole-which I draped carefully in a white sheet-and surmounting it with a rusty helmet, I placed the sham ghost in a corner of the battlements at Elsinore Palace, with the assistance of BERNARDO and MARCELLUS, two military friends of mine. We then invented a long and piteous rigmarole concerning the late king, HAMLET's father, into which we of course introduced murder and three or four other crimes; in fact, it was an admirably contrived sensation romance, of which I need scarcely say that I was the humble author. His Royal Highness who had only just recovered from a severe indisposition, caused by his father's death, was then induced to join us on the battlements; and our excellent friend BERNARDO, who was a delightful amateur performer, concealed himself behind the goblin, and after leading HAMLET away to a distance, recited my impressive lines. I cannot sufficiently express my regret for the part I took in that unfortunate affair; indeed, I attribute the insanity of my distinguished friend and the death of his worthy uncle-a most courteous and kind-hearted gentlemanentirely to my thoughtless conduct. It is needless to say that I bitterly repent of that fatal step.

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.

RAB(ID) AND HIS FRIENDS.-The prevailing panic about hydrophobia has little if any reason. In this warm weather young ladies no less than dogs require muslin, but the young ladies, if we may judge from the impression derived from a visit to a flower show and a fancy fair, are much the more dangerous creatures of the two.

A MODEST LOVER.-When you make a proposal of marriage to a young lady you might lay yourself open to a charge of vanity if, in speaking of yourself you said, "a Gal-axe-I-of beauty."

VERSI-FIE-We must decline the MS. with thanks. But you should not call it a poem, or imagine it is one because it is written in a sort of metre with an attempt at rhyme. You cannot hope to manufacture poetry by the foot even though it scans. You might just as well expect to draw a cheque on Threadneedle-street because you use "LOWE'S Bank of England pens."

SOLOMON will be grateful for a recipe to cure depression and low spirits. He will find it in any of the numbers of the New Series. A BARD. We carefully perused the lines you sent us, but failed to detect in it any of the "thoughts that breathe." A friend who dropped in when we had done reading it, and who wanted a light for his cigar, has informed us that they certainly contained the "words that burn." Unfortunately we have never been able to find the MS. since.

A BIT FOR BARNSTAPLE.

It is rumoured that the Conservatives in trying to cut out a CAVE have got themselves into a hole.

THE GENERAL ELECTION.

I WAS sitting down in solemn resolution that a column,
Or perhaps a little volum', I must fill with quip and pun,
When my dreary introspection was relieved by the reflection
That the General Election was a proper theme for FUN.
As I thought of all the duffers-all the bald and blatant buffers-
Of the clerks and candle-snuffers who so fain would go away;
As I thought how Mr. Speaker, who was nightly growing weaker,
Must have longed to drain a beaker, and to wet his honest clay;
How the chief of the Exchequer, though he still sustains his pecker,
Must have yearned in a three-decker to be sailing o'er the brine;
Whilst a juvenile patrician's (like LORD HARTINGTON's) ambitions,
Were confined to deglutitions of Moselle and of the Rhine;
How a man like Cox, plebeian (would to Jove a rock Tarpeian

Were erected for that bein')-you'll excuse the cockney rhyme-
For when thinking upon creeturs with such few redeeming feeturs,
It's impossible that metres should be stately and sublime !-
How a man like Cox is yearning, all his soul with ardour burning
For the proximate returning to the only club he knows;
Where a middle-class attorney (plus a good account with GURNEY)
Finds it still an easy journey to intrude his legal nose!
How, at Peterborough, WHALLEY-in an anti-Romish sally-
In a tone that doesn't tally with the notions of to-day,
May indulge in objurgation of a noble congregation,
And a loyal brother-nation, not so very far away!
How, if Folly offered prizes, DARBY GRIFFITH, at Devizes,
From a judge at the assizes soon could bear away the palm;
How with question after question (some the fruit of indigestion,
Most the fruit of indigestion !) he can cause a kindred qualm;
How a strident, moral force-man, whose opinions none endorse, man,
Is a sort of headless HORSMAN, false to friends and foes alike;
How a personage like POTTER-a political garotter-
Only tries to make things hotter-the crusader of a strike;

LOW-WATER MARK.

I'm sick at heart of Hope deferred-
For I have hoped and hoped in vain-
Until at last, upon my word,

I hardly hope to hope again.
While that "eternal want of pence,"
Which some can keep in modest bounds,
Becomes, in my experience,

A want of shillings and of pounds.

My tailor, too, is getting rude;

I owe that party, by the way,
A boundless debt of gratitude
For putting up with such delay;
However, gratitude is not

The only debt I have to meet,
Or else I'd pay him on the spot,

And make him give a stamped receipt.

I can't endure the growing ills

Of pressing letters, dunning knocks,
And downy birds whose little bills
Are always in one's letter-box.
All nature takes a bilious hue;

I see large pimples on the sun;
And Heaven's serene, expansive blue
Appears to me-a dirty dun!

THEATRICAL MAXIMS.

A STICK on the boards is no stay for a theatre.

A caul is said by nautical folk to prevent a man from drowning, but when an actor gets a call it is generally a sign that he will go down.

The man who comes on the stage exactly at his cue is prompt, but the man who does not come on at all is prompter.

How absurdly are things named on the stage. The man who can barely get his bread on it is spoken of as "a souper."

HUE, EVANS.

THE old poets frequently spoke of the azure of the sky. In the present day the Green of the Evans' is discernible with the naked eye in Covent Garden.

How the whole of them, perspiring, in a temperature firing,
For the hustings were aspiring, after very brief repose;
Why, in truth, my scornful ditty took a certain tone of pity-
A decided tone of pity, for the wretched "Ayes" and "Noes."

I was sitting down in solemn resolution that a column,
Or perhaps a little volum', I must fill with quip and pun,
When my dreamy meditation took the form of indignation
With the House's Legislation, and the race that it had run!
I am loyal, even tender; all due homage would I render,
Nor rob the peer of splendour, nor the bishop of his lawn;
But at times I can't determine whether even lordly ermine
Doesn't shelter nasty vermin that had better be-withdrawn ;
And thus gravely thinking of it, I became, myself, a prophet,
And I wished the men in Tophet, who appeared to bar the way
To a grander comprehension, free from partisan dissension,
Of the meaning, the intention, and the lessons of to-day!
Yes; your workmen, lean and sallow, whose keen brains were lying
fallow,

Yet may blossom, like the aloe, now the hundred years are past; And the final crowning glory of our England's noble story (Beg your pardon, Mr. Tory!) may be drawing near at last!

BUZZY BEES.

MR. and MRS. HOWARD PAUL request us to inform all the world (and the rest of our readers), that they have provided themselves with an infallible attraction for their bee-hive at the approaching Dramatic College Fête. The services of MR. G. HONEY, the eminent comedian, have been engaged for the occasion. He is to stand near the hive, in Highland costume, with a suggestive bee in his bonnet, and will probably favour purchasers with an occasional drone-on the bagpipe.