I

I

says,

MRS. BROWN AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.

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better employed than a-idling away your time here." I says,
"Offensive! if you come to that you're none so agreeable," and I
walks off in a huff. Well," I says, "MRS. SIMMONS, I don't think
says, "Oh, I wants to see the PRINCE OF WALES," so we goes to where
much of these picters; give me wax-work as is more natural." She
he was a-'anging; and I never did-not a bit like the beautiful young
gentleman in the velvet and whiskers as was being married, but a
poor sick thing, as I says to MRS. SIMMONS, "If he was a child of
mine, asses' milk would be the word with me." Then there was horses
and dogs all over the place, and picters of ladies and gentlemen as
there was bishops as looked as tho' in pain, pertikler one as they call
wore frill and velvets, with their boots a-shining like anything, and
the BISHOP OF LONDON, as will be apoplexy very shortly if he will
wear that stock, and there was another bishop as I took for a lady,
thro' having of a red gownd and no crinoline, with clean muslin
sleeves. And we met a lady as was very friendly, and knowed all
about the picters and them as painted 'em. I says, "It's very tiring,"
I says, "to the eye to have to look up. Why ever do they hang up
there?" "Oh," she says, "them pieters isn't 'Cademicians." "Oh,'
I says, "I suppose done by the day boys?" She only laughs and
says as "There is a many as tries all their lives to get hung and
can't."
hardly ever hangs any one now-a-days." Well, we sat down, we
I says, "You may well say that; but," I says, "they
talked quite pleasant, for my feet was that shooting like jobbing
daggers, and I really felt quite of a whirl, and was that sorry as I
hadn't no refreshments with me, for picters is dry work, and then
MRS. SIMMONS got in a fidget to be getting home, so we hadn't
time for to study them like, but see one as give me quite a turn.
MRS. SIMMONS said as it was a sacred one, but I should say it was the old
gentleman with a pair of yellow horns a-branching out each side; so
I was 2-pointing 'em out to MRS. SIMMONS when up come a Jack-in-office
of a policeman and says, "If I see you do it again you'll have to step it."
Step what?" I says. "Why," says he, "I've been a-watching you a
poking and a-pointing all the way round the room." Well, just
then a lady hollars out, "Oh, I'm robbed!" It give me such a turn.
"My portmoney is gone, and this old woman's been a-
following me everywhere.' I thought I should have dropped, for the
policeman takes hold of me, and poor MRS. SIMMONS she was ready
to faint, and there was such confusion, and they was a-talking of
searching me, and I don't know what, when all of a sudden the party
as said she was robbed hollars out, "No, I've got it." "Well," I
says, "you did ought to be ashamed of yourself;" I says, "I won't
stop in such a den of wagabones. It's my opinion as you looks
more like a thief than a horse yourself, mum," and so I bounced
out of the place, and, bless ye, if I hadn't been and dropped the ticket
all part of their swindling ways; and when we got out we was both
for my umbrella, and they wouldn't give it me, as in my opinion is
that faint as we couldn't move a step, so was compelled to have a
cab home, and all I've got to say it's my belief as that 'Cademy is
a humbug altogether, and I'm sure they don't learn no manners there,
and as to their picters I'd rather see 'em quiet in the lustrous papers
as I can enjoy in my own house.

She says,

WELL, they may call it a academy if they likes, but it is no more like MR. SPANKERS as I used to wash for as had a blue board and gold letters in the Bow-road than nothing, and as for me going it was only thro' Mas. SIMMONS a-wishing to consult one of them West-end doctors about her throat, and feeling nervous says, "Would you mind for to accompany me, MRS. BROWN, now?" So I says as I would with pleasure thro' her being far from strong, and her own mother being gone to nurse another daughter as is married out at Rotherhithe. So we went in a cab as was the joltingest as ever I got into, with both windows up, thro' MRS. SIMMONS's throat, as a draught might have laid hold on. When we gets to the doctor's, and was showed into a elegant room as had picters round about as seemed to speak like, one gent had a eye like a hawk as seemed to foller you all over the room. I couldn't a-set in that room alone with that picter was it ever so, and was glad when the gentleman as let us in as I took for the doctor, and began a-telling about MRS. SIMMONS, as checked me too rude, but never mind, and certainly I never see such kindness as that doctor, never, tho' I was surprised as he should a-took me for MRS. SIMMONS's mother, as must be sixty if she's a day. It give me a dreadful turn when I see that doctor a-ramming of drum-sticks, as I should call 'em, down MRS. SIMMONS's throat, and am certain as would have choked me, as couldn't even bear a herring-bone as was near my death. But it did wonders, for, law! she spoke quite clear. So I says, "If ever my throat is bad he's the man as I'll go to, and that liberal as wouldn't take her money," and away we goes. So we walks on slow, for I says, "MRS. SIMMONS, mum," I says, "Cabs is cabs, and runs into money;" so I says, "I don't see why a omblibus shouldn't do." So she was agreeable, and we wanders on, and took a bun, as is choking work if it hadn't been for a glass of ale, and I must say them West-end streets is wide and shady; and when we come near Charing-cross I see parties going up some steps, so I says to the policeman, "Whatever is a-going on here?" Oh," he says, "it's the Royal 'Cademy!" "Oh," I says, “indeed! What, where," "the young princes goes to school, I presumes?" Well, he seemed to smile, and says, "No, as it were all picters." "What!" Royal picters?" says, Yes," says he. Oh, indeed!" I says. Well," I says, can any one go in ?" "Yes," he says, any one as pays a shilling." Well," I says, "that ain't much for to see the Royal picters, as must be awful grand." So MRS. SIMMONS and me agrees to go up, and there was sentries a-standing guard, so we pays the money and goes in; not as I held with my umbrella being took away, and there's more stairs outside and in than I cares for; but certainly the picters was lovely with their gold frames a-gleaming, as the saying is. "Why," I says, "they must be worth millions. No doubt that's the reason they has soldiers to guard them." MRS. SIMMONS she bought a book all about 'em as she would have read to me, only parties kep' a-shoving and a-driving, and me not having my glasses couldn't read for myself. I suppose as there ain't no one but ladies and gentlemen as goes to them picters, but of all the shoving and driving sets as ever I came a-near they beat 'em. I says, "Wherever are you a-coming to?" "We wants to see the Royal picters," says a young gal. So do I," I says; "so wherever is the use of driving any one in the back like that;" and certainly that Royal picter was lovely, for all the world exactly like the waxwork as I see at the BAKER'S bazaar, as is reglar life all but breathing. We are happy to give a kind word to rising talent, and have much Well, this Royal Marriage" is very near as handsome, tho' it don't look so pleasure in calling attention to a very neat thing in the advertising line to be found in the Times of Tuesday, the 9th :grand thro' being small. MRS. SIMMONS says to me, "In my opinion the QUEEN didn't ought to have gone like that." I says, Where-R00 ever is the QUEEN?" "Why," says she, "the widder lady up in the window." "Go along," I says. Why she ain't got no crown on.' "No," she says, "that's her way, she always is in weeds." "Ah!" I says, some does go on like that. I'm sure if anything was to 'appen to BROWN, weeds would be my constant potion; not as I holds with weeds at a wedding; that's the reason, p'raps, as she have put on that bit a blue for to take off the black." "Oh!" says a young chap as was a-standing there, "that's the garter." I says, "Young man," I says, "however dare you mention such a thing afore ladies? You did ought to be ashamed of yourself." But he only giggled like a jackass, as I see he was. Well, I was a-standing looking at the picter, tho' I'd seen one just like it all but the colours afore in the 'Lustrous Penny Paper as we takes in. I says to MRS. SIMMONS, "Did ever you see such 'eaps of parsons? One would think it was a misshnery meetin'." I says, "They can't 'ave much to do." Well, a stout party as was standing near says to one of them very parsons, "As she couldn't see nothing cos of this fat old woman as has been sticking here all the morning." I says, "Who are you a calling fat? I'm sure you'd better look at home for fat." So the parson he says, "My good woman, don't be offensive." I says, "Offensive!" I says, "I scorns your words;" and I says, "As to sticking, I shall stick here as long as I please; and I think if you was at home a-preaching of your sermons you'd be

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A MODEL ADVERTISEMENT.

OOMS wanted by two gentlemen living a few miles out of town-two small bedrooms and one sitting-room for occasional use for the next three or four months. The bedrooms may be anywhere, but the sitting-room must be on the ground floor. The attendance must be perfect, and the rooms and servants must be scrupulously clean and neat. Regular lodging-house keepers with wretched furniture and overworked servants always dirty are politely requested not to answer this advertisement. Address, etc.

Although this is a decided improvement in the literature of advertisement (which is rapidly becoming the literature of the day) it is not exactly what it desires, "the attendance" to be-perfect. There is a vagueness as to the locality in which the lodgings are required, and a looseness of statement as to the whereabouts of the bedrooms, which might lead to awkward consequences. What would the two gentlemen say if the two bedrooms were in the moon or in the middle of next week, or in posse? Perhaps the gentlemen would not object to Buckingham Palace or Stafford House?

EPIGRAM.

BY AN OLD BACHELOR.
MOST contradictory, past doubt,
The sex, through thick and thin;
For now, though crinolines go out,
The skirts are coming in!

Enter the PRINCESS with her temper up and her hair down. PRINCESS.-Pa, I have now arrived at a time of life when it is mean portion. necessary I should choose a husband.

KHAN. She had it on her finger-she turned for a moment, and body stole the ring, and in his agitation dropped it in the flowering when she turned back again it was gone! PRINCESS.-Awkward!

KHAN.-Without that wedding-ring your legitimacy cannot be is a flower that bloometh; COLENSO may say what he likes; TUPPER proved, and, in consequence, you cannot succeed! PRINCESS (heroically).-Then I'll fail!

Printed by JUDD & GLASS, 80 Fleet Street, and Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctor's Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER, at 80, Fleet Street.-May 20, 1865.