Page images
PDF
EPUB

TOWN TALK.

BY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY.

ND what will Exeter Hall think of its favourite nigger after the spectacle presented in Jamaica? The black has much of the wild beast in him it would seem, and neither slavery nor liberty can root it out of him. The Emancipation party in America will do well to pause in their career of mistaken humanity. They must educate SAMBO, and well too, before they turn him loose on the defenceless South, or they will be answerable for a recurrence of the same atrocities which make our blood curdle in the news from Jamaica.

POOR TOM SAYERS is dead, and has been buried amid the tears and uproar of an immense crowd of admirers. We must not be horrified because the mourners on the occasion did not behave with what refined people call decorum. I have no doubt the sorrow was genuine enough, and there were some bright instances of disinterested friendship and affection revealed in connection with his death. It is recorded of him that with all his science and strength he was no bully, and even when struck by some one who lost temper with him did not return the blow. That is a fine trait and an argument in favour of fisticuffs. Let any one go and live a little while among the Cornish miners, and see how they-after having slapt one another's faces and pulled one another's hair-have recourse to the knife: and then he will probably agree with me, that it will be a bad time for England when the use of the "mauleys" is no longer cultivated. Toм SAYERS was a hero, with not more faults than most heroes, and perhaps with more generosity.

So the great University swindle is exploded! I have often wondered that it hasn't been done before. Parents and guardiansespecially the latter-must have been strangely short-sighted on this point. They send a lad up to Oxford with an allowance that soon proves insufficient, but they don't think of finding out why, or they would discover that it is not only the tradesman who robs the undergraduate, but the Don also. Nothing but a sympathetic love of plunder can account for the way in which college authorities leave the lad unprotected against the attacks of harpy tradesmen. But the harpy tradesman lays out his wares for sale, and that is all. When they are bought he sends them in, and often has to wait an unreasonable time for his money-sometimes doesn't get it. But the college authorities pretend to stand in loco parentis, and they compel the lad to take what they have to sell, and to pay an exorbitant price for it. The complaint, as it stands in the papers, is that bread and butter of an inferior quality are forced on the undergraduates at very high prices. But there are other grievances that aim more nearly at the principle of the university, and that might be discussed with advantage. There are tutor's fees-and who ever got any good out of his college tutor? There are library fees-and how few libraries possess books really of use to the student? And there are college dues-and who ever yet discovered,-when everything a man has, or has not, of his college is strictly charged for,-what those dues could be?

GOVERNMENT offices are as extravagant in the general as they are mean in the particular. That wasteful establishment the War-office discharged some of its clerks last year under circumstances of more than meanness-of downright dishonesty. A somewhat similar injustice inflicted by the India Office on a retired officer, the MARQUIS ST. MAURICE, who served in the old Company's forces, is a further instance of official obstinacy. On a mere quibble, which has not even the merit of being founded on fact, this gentleman is being defrauded of a portion of that small pittance which is held sufficient reward for a man who has spent the best years of his life in the service. Can any one devise a scheme to prevent injustice from being first perpetrated and then perpetuated by an ingenious system of disconnected and irresponsible Boards? We want an officer like the old Roman tribune-not connected with the House-to examine into all torts and grievances. Don't I pity the poor Marquis! He has been wasting his time in trying to knock something into SIR CHARLES WOOD's head. Why, only the other day he was thrown out hunting,

and his head came in contact with a stone wall. But it's the wall that stands in most need of repairing, they say:

I DROPT into the Oxford the other night to welcome a fresh importation of OFFENBACH, The Market Girls. It is very sparkling and pretty -the finale in particular being very jolly. Airs out of some of his other operettas have been introduced into it, which I think rather a pity. When shall we have a wise revision of the licensing laws, to permit the performance of these little operettas in full. The selections are charming enough, but they cannot do justice to the entire composition.

[graphic]

A SENSIBLE IDEA.

My love, you've been and bound my heart
In tresses of your golden hair,
Your ev'ry look was like a dart

That reached its mark and settled there.
I know you hardly waste a thought
Upon the anguish that I feel;
But something strikes me that you ought-
And so I try a last appeal.

It seems to me a little queer,

And very far from comme il faut,
That you should send me packing, dear,
In favour of some later beau.

I might have drained that bitter cup,
But I've a certain claim on you;
So, now I'll take the matter up
In quite a business point of view.

I beg to say that if I lend

A certain sum in "money down" To any impecunious friend

(Say JONES, or ROBINSON, or BROWN), always do so on the chance Of getting back the £ s. d., That I may happen to advance To MESSRS. J. and R. and B.

If I were in the legal walk

Of life-you'll give me leave to stateI'd never waste a minute's talk

Without a fee of six and eight. If "Time is money"-and I see No great objection to the ruleThe lawyer that would give it free Is little better than a fool.

Now, lately I've been laying out

A lot of heart and soul on you;
Just think it over, and no doubt

You'll see the proper thing to do.
For, since another claims the love
That I so fondly hoped to win;
I beg to say I ain't above
A trifle in the shape of tin!

It's very well for you to say

That I was never asked to throw My young affections in your way; That's very true. You took 'em, though! Farewell! Be happy! We must part! But, false one, fail not to devote One passing thought to this torn heartAnd send us off a ten pun' note!

THE INCORRECT KE-ARD.

FANCY SHAKSPEARE'S Falconbridge pronouncing calf-skin "ke-alfskin." This is what is positively done by an actor at Drury-lane Theatre, in the course of a singularly unintelligent reading of the part. We remember to have once heard a ke-ountryman speak of a "ke-art-load of ke-arrots;" but, apart from his having a natural imperfection of speech, bis accent did not exactly strike us as a model worthy imitation by anybody pretending to play the more important of SHAKSPEARE's characters. By the bye, how would MR. ANDERSON pronounce the words "cave canem," if he had to say them? Perhaps he would tell us he ke-ouldn't.

Why is a horse like the letter O? Because G makes it go.

And what is the difference between this conundrum and my aunt who squints? One is a query with an answer; the other is an aunt, sir, with a queer eye.

"FUN AND FACT."

MR. G. VINING has been amusing himself during the last few days by publishing the following confused advertisement in the Standard: FUN and FACT The astounding Drama recently produced by MR. VINING at the PRINCESS'S THEATRE is called, IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND.-See FUN.

MR. VINING did not, on its first representation, make an apology nor use expressions that could in any way be twisted or turned into terms of an apologetic character. -See Fux.

MR. VINING did not reply to the indignant gentleman in the stalls, and no such a conversation took place. See FUN. But, on the exact contrary, in addressing the public, MR. VINING stated he could not reply individually.

MR. VINING, it is said, plumes himself on realism.-See FUN.

Let others then follow his example, and when they deal in facts stick to truth. But these remarks are in "FUN" and, dear boy, do not forget IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND.-PRINCESS'S THEATRE.

[ocr errors]

With the sole exception of the paragraph that refers to MR. VINING'S realistic tendencies, nothing that in the remotest degree resembled any of these extracts ever appeared in our columns. If we were converts to MR. CHARLES READE'S outspoken style of expression, we should not hesitate to apply to the statement that "these remarks are in 'FUN,' the only epithet in the English language that effectually characterises it. But, in fairness to MR. VINING, we ought to place the public in possession of a fact that they will fail to gather from the advertisement itself, namely, that when he penned it he was probably labouring under some blundering notion, that in crediting us with a favourable criticism which we did not write, he was amply avenging himself on us for an unfavourable criticism which we did. In other words, he seems to have thought that the greatest blow he could deal to our reputation as dramatic critics was to make us speak in terms of high eulogy of his behaviour on the occasion of the first performance of MR. CHARLES READE's drama. It is difficult to understand what he means when he says that "he did not reply to the indignant gentleman in the stalls, but that on the exact contrary, in addressing the public he stated that he could not reply individually," for the statement flatly contradicts itself. Moreover, an actor who, in addressing the public states that he cannot reply individually, appears to be in the equivocal position of a dumb man who tells you that he cannot speak.

Before MR. VINING indulges in another piece of Itisnevertoolatetomend-acity he had better learn that it is impossible for a man to deal in facts unless he does stick to truth, for "untrue facts" is a contra diction in terms. MR. VINING is a good actor, but a bad satirist, and in taking up the cudgels in the latter capacity, he has made himself as ridiculous as we should ourselves appear if we attempted to play the part of the repentant convict in MR. READE's remarkable drama. MR. VINING is all our fancy painted him, he's lovely, he's divine, but calculated he is not in epigram to shine.

THE NEXT OLYMPIC BURLESQUE. PERHAPS there is no event in the theatrical world which is so anxiously looked for as the production of the next Olympic burlesque. We are in a position to lay before our readers a portion of a scene from that work, and we lose no time in doing so. The burlesque is the production of MESSRS. B-T and B-LLINGH-M, the talented authors of C-m-r-lz-m-n. These gentlemen, in pursuance of their determination to pitch upon another subject that has never been used for dramatic purposes, have selected the obscure story of Aladdin for burlesque

treatment.

SCENE IV.-Interior of the Emperor's palace. Enter ALADDIN and PRINCESS BADROULBADOUR.

Enter VIZIER.

VIZIER.-Aha! What do I see? Aladdin and the fair princess! He imprints his(5) kisses on her lips, and them doth press! I'll tell the Emprer.

BAD.

Him pray() don't tell !

(Aside)-It's very annoying just as we were getting on so well.
ALAD. (nobly).-I love Badroulbadour, as much as I do a cider-cup!
I mean to marry her!
VIZ.-
Marry come up!
You are only a oad, if you please,

And caddot() marry her unless you are the cheese!
Enter EMPEROR.

EMPEROR-Vy, votshall this ?
BAD.-

This is not Voxholl.(®)
ALAD.-I love your daughter, and her my wife would call.
EMP.-But are you rich?
ALAD.-
Ain't I neither!
I should rather think I was-reether!!

(Slaps himself and puts out his tongue.)
Here is a jewel that will buy more meat than you chew'll.())
EMP.-Take her!
VIZ.-
Back isn't that a pull! (1)
Concerted Piece" Slap Bang."
ALAD.-Oh, it is very jolly, and I am extremely pappee
EMP.-She'll be farther from her father when married she be !
BAD.-I love you so, Aladdin, I swear I do.
VIZ.-I shouldn't at all wonder if I wos looking blue!
ALL (to Vizier).—Ain't he most melancholy, O!?
-lancholy, O?
-lancholy, O?

VIZ.ALL.

[Ain't he most melancholy, O? I should rather think I wos!

[blocks in formation]

(1) "Period," "appear." Pun.

(2) This allusion to photography long before it was discovered, is a joke. (3) This is a complicated pun. "Bad rule by dear," "Badroul badour." "By dear," is "my dear' pronounced with a cold.

"Stayed,"
""staid." Pun.

"Princess," " (im)prints his." Pun.

"Emprer" "Him pray." Pun.

"Caddot" is "cannot" pronounced with a cold.

"Voxhall" and "Vot'shall" is an ingenious pun.

"Than you chew'll," than you will chew, than you can possibly eat.

(10) "Back isn't that a pull," euphuism for "Isn't that a pull back," the refrain of a clever comic song.

Answers to Correspondents.

QUEER-EYE must have closed that organ, or he would have seen that the quotation does not profess to be taken from anywhere in particular. Hadn't our correspondent better substitute "Donk" for "Queer" in

future?

E. T. L., Tachbrook-street.--Declined with thanks, not as a question of time, but of rhyme.

M. S. C., Luton, has vainly exercised his lute on an unsuitable

BADROULBADOUR.—You say you have loved me for a lengthened period? subject. He is also in error in supposing any paper has ever been

So it does appear.(')

ALADDIN.

Yes, isn't it odd ?

I saw you first going to the bath, long since,

"incorporated" with FUN. That journal being the essence of wit has nothing corporeal about it.

And found that the princess was not done justice to by the photo-closures shall be returned.

graphic prints.(*)

BAD.-But no one may look at me when I go to the bath

For fear he should be inclined to laugh;

A rule I never think of breaking, if I'm aweer.

ALAD.-Oh, that's a very bad-rule-by-dear.(3)

Now I must go. I've stayed too long.

BAD.-I don't call you staid,(4) but let's finish with a song.

[blocks in formation]

F. W., Stockwell.-Many thanks for the information. The enCommon Pleas.-We should be uncommonly pleased to insert the M.S. if it were suitable.

J. G., Mint.-Good, but too late. Of course as you are connected with the Mint it is no use to advise you "never to say die."

AN ANXIOUS WIDDER.-We have laid your offer of a home before NICHOLAS, but the ungrateful old man says you only want a second for the ring. Shouldn't you have spelt "widder" with an "e" instead of an "i"?

AN UNCERTAIN CARD.-Yes, possibly; although on second thoughts we should say not, but there is a great deal to be said on both sides. QUIVIS. See last answer, which will meet the requirements of many of our correspondents who will obligingly adopt it.

[The canny editor of an obscure north country print hopes by turning on us a mild stream of invective about Sabbatarianism, to induce us to notice him in our columns. Not exactly! Our charge for advertisements is half-a-crown a line.]

[graphic][ocr errors][subsumed][merged small]

Count Smorltork:-" VELL JOMP, MEES! C'est égal:-I FOLLOW-I FOLLOW. I SHALL BE IN AT MY DEATHS!"

MISS GOGGLES'S COMMON-PLACE BOOK.

My uncle, GREEN GOGGLES, ESQ., of Gold Mount, Bucks, made use of many strange expressions. For example, he was in the habit, when he desired that the lamp or candles should be brought, of saying, "Let us throw a little light upon the subject." Instead of asking what was o'clock, he would say, "How goes the enemy?" My papa used frequently to remark, "Green is an original."

it. This makes it the more pleasant to those whose minds have been trained to recall the pages of CLIO, Muse of History.

My uncle, GREEN GOGGLES, Esq., of Gold Mount, Bucks, had a and servant whose name was JOHN LITTLE. He was a very tall man; my uncle, who was of an extremely jocular disposition, used to call him "Little JOHN." This was a source of great mirth among all our friends and acquaintance.

Anecdotes are sometimes very amusing. The faculty of narrating The beauties of nature excel, in a very material degree, the beauties them in a manner agreeable to a mixed company is a most enviable gift. of art. I have been forcibly impressed with this great truth when, on I remember being taken by my papa to dinner at the house of a friend, returning from a walk in Windsor Forest, I have cast my eyes on a where I sat next to a Vice-Colonel who told several anecdotes. I am representation of the scene, cut out of a sheet of Bath post by my not sure, on reflection, whether he might not have been a Deputy-grandmamma. Without having been previously apprised that the Lieutenant-Admiral: but I know he had something to do with the forms of animals under the trees were meant for stags, I should not country, the fleet, or the militia. One of his anecdotes was about a have been able to identify them as such. shark.

Inebriation is a vice which is not confined to the humbler ranks of society. My uncle, GREEN GOGGLES, ESQ., of Gold Mount, Bucks, was sometimes inebriated. I have heard my papa say that" Green was a three-bottle man;" which meant, I believe, that he could drink three bottles of wine at one sitting. This appears to me to be more than anybody should take habitually. But some bottles may be larger than others. The poet SHAKESPEARE, in one of his plays, has made an intoxicated character exclaim, "Oh, that a man should put an enemy into his mouth to steal away his brains!" The sentiment is very proper. Alas! in that respect it differs considerably from a great deal which the same author has written.

A favourite saying of my papa's, whenever anything did not exactly had never been in France, and he was generally opposed to the admisplease him, was "They manage these things better in France." He sion of French customs, and to the tolerance of all foreigners in this country. It was, therefore, the more generous in him to assume that what is wrong in England is right elsewhere.

There is much truth in the words of the poet-
"Full many a gem of purest ray serene,

The dark, unfathom'd caves of ocean bear;
Full many a flower is born to blush unseen,
And waste its sweetness on the desert air."
(To be continually continued.*)

THEREBY HANGS A TAIL-OR.-It it takes nine tailors to make a

There is no harm in rational recreation when conducted with propriety. I have heard persons object to cards, but I cannot see anything wrong in whist or cribbage, by candle-light. Backgammon has gone very much out of fashion lately, but it is an interesting game. man, how many TOM TAYLORS does it take to make a melodrama? Some historical personage is said to have been exceedingly partial to

Not if we are quite aware of it.-ED. FUN.

[graphic][ocr errors][merged small][merged small][merged small]
« PreviousContinue »