Page images
PDF
[merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small][merged small]

stated he could not reply individual!

Ma. ViNiNn. it is said, plumes himself on realism.—Sea Fun. Let others then follow his example, and when they deal in facta stick to truth. But these remarks are in "fun;" and, dear boy, do not forget*—IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND.—PBDKTKSS'S THEATRE.

With the sole exception of the paragraph that refers to Mb. Vinino's realistic tendencies, nothing that in the remotest degree resembled any of these extracts ever appeared in our columns. If we were converts to Mr. Charles Readb's outspoken, style of expression, we should not hesitate to apply to the statemont that" these remarks aro in 'Fun,'" the only epithet in the English language that effectually characterises it.

But, in fairness to Mr. Vinino, we ought to place the public in possession of a fact that they will fail to gather from the advertisement itself, namely, that when he penned it he was probably labouring under some blundering notion, that in crediting us with a favourable criticism which we did not write, he was amply avenging himself on us for an unfavourable criticism which we did. In other words, he seemar to have thoughtthat the greatest blow he could deal to our reputation as dramatio critics was to make us Bpeak in terms of high eulogy of his behaviour on the oocasion of the first performance of Mn. CitA Ki.hr Readb's drama. It is difficult to understand what he means-when he says that " he did not roply to tho indignant gentleman in tho stalls, but that on the exact contrary, in addressing the public he stated that he could not reply individually," for tho statement flatly contradicts itself. Moreover, an actor who, in addressing the public states that ho cannot reply individually, appears to be in the equivocal position of a dumb man who tells you that ho nannnt gprak.

Before Mk. Vtmno indulges in another piece of Itisnovortoolatetomend-aoity ho hud better learn that it is impossible for a man to deal in facts unless he does stick to truth, for " untrue facts" iB a contradiction in terms. Mk. Vimno is a good actor, but a bad satirist, and in taking up the cudgels in the latter capacity, he has mado himself as ridiculous as we should ourselves appear if we attempted to play the part of the repentant convict in Mr, Rbadb's remarkablo drama. Mr. Vinino is all our fancy painted him, he's lovely, he's divine, but calculated he is not in epigram to shine.

THE NEXT OLYMPIC BURLESQUE.

Pbrhaps there is no event in the theatrical world which is so anxiouslv looked for as the production of the next Olympio burlesque. We are in a position to lay before our readers a portion of a soene from that work, and we lose no time in doing so. The burlesque is the production of Messrs. B—T and B-llingh-m, the talented authors of C-m-r-lz-m-n. These gentlemen, in pursuance of their determination to pitch upon another subject that has never been used for dramatio purposes, have selected the obscure story of Aladdin for burlesque treatment.

Scene TV.—Interior of the Emperor's palace.
Enter Aladdin and Princess Badroulbadour.

Badroulbadour.—You say you have loved me for a lengthened period.?

So it does appear. (')
Aladdin.— Tcs, isn't it odd f

I saw you first going to the bath, long since,
And found that tho princess was not done justico to by the photo-
graphic prints.!?)
Bad.—But no one may look at me when I go to the bath
For fear he should be inclined to laugh;
A rule I never think of breaking, if I'm aweer.
Alad.—Oh, that's a very bad-rule-by-dear.{3)

Now I must go. I've stayed too long.
Bad.—I don't call you staid,{*) but let's finish with a song.

DuetAladdin And Badroulbadour.
(Air—" Over the sea.")
Bad.— Over tho sea

If you be,

Perhaps you'll be good enough to write to me?
Alad.— Certainly, oui,

That's French, you see,
Which I learnt when I was at school at Bolong!

{Comic dance.)

[ocr errors][ocr errors][ocr errors][merged small][ocr errors][ocr errors][ocr errors]

Queer-eye must have closed that organ, or he would have seen that the quotation does not profess to be taken from anywhere in particular. Hadn't our correspondent bettor substitute "Donk" for "Queer" in future?

E. T. L., Tachbrook-strcot.—Declined with thanks, not as a question of time, but of rhyme.

M. S. O, Luton, has vainly exercised his lute on an unsuitable subject. He is also in error in supposing any paper has over been "incorporated " with Fun. That journal boing the essence of wit has nothing corporeal about it.

F. W, Stockwell.—Many thanks for tho information. The enclosures shall be returned.

, Common Pleas.—We should bo uncommonly pleased to insert

the M.S. if it wore suitable.

J. G., Mint—Good, but too late. Of courso as you aro connected with tho Mint it is no use to advise yon " never to say die."

Ax Anxious Wdddbb.—We havo laid your offer of a home before Nicholas, but the ungrateful old man says you only want a second for tho ring. Shouldn't you have spelt "widder" with an "e" instead of an "l" P

An Uncertain Card.—Yes, possibly; although on second thoughts we should say not, but there is a great deal to be said on both sides.

Qurvis.—See last answer, which will moot the requirements of many of our correspondents who will obligingly adopt it. » ««

[The canny editor of an obscure north country print hopes by turning on us a mild stream of invective about Sabbatarianism, to induce us to notice him in our columns. Not exactly! Our charge for advertisements is half-a-crown a line.]

[graphic]

MISS GOGGLES'S COMMON-PLACE BOOK

My uncle, Green Goggles, Esq., of Gold Mount, Bucks, made use of many strange expressions. For example, he was in the habit, when he desired that the lamp or candles should be brought, of saying, " Let us throw a little light upon the subject." Instead of asking what was o'clock, he would say, "How goes tho enemy '<" My papa used frequently to remark, " Green is an original."

Anecdotes are sometimes very amusing. The faculty of narrating them in a manner agreeable to a mixed company is a most enviable gift. I remember being taken by my papa to dinner at the house of a friend, where I sat next to a Vice-Colonol who told several anecdotes. I am not sure, on reflection, whether he might not have been a DeputyLieutenant-Admiral • but I know ho had something to do with the country, the fleet, or the militia. One of his anecdotes was about a shark.

Inebriation is a vice which is not confined to the humbler ranks of society. My uncle, Green Goooles, Esq, of Gold Mount, Bucks, was sometimes inebriated. I have heard my papa say that " Green was a three-bottle man;" which meant, I believe, that he could drink three bottles of wine at one sitting. This appears to me to be moro than anybody should take habitually. But some bottles may be larger than others. The poet Shakespeare, in one of his plays, has made an intoxicated character exclaim, " Oh, that a man should put an enemy into his mouth to steal away his brains!" The sentiment is very proper. Alas! in that respect it differs considerably from a great deal which the same author has written.

There is no harm in rational recreation when conducted with propriety. I have heard persons object to cards, but I cannot see anything wrong in whist or cribbage, by candle-light. Backgammon has gone very much out of fashion lately, but it is an interesting game. Some historical personage is said to have been exceedingly partial to

it. This makes it the more pleasant to those whose minds have been trained to recall the pages of Clio, Muse of History.

.My uncle, Green Goooles, Esq., of Gold Mount, Backs, had a servant whose name was John Little. He was a very tall man; and my uncle, who was of an extremely jocular disposition, used to call him "Little John." This was a source of great mirth among all our friends and acquaintance.

The beauties of nature excel, in a very material degree, the beauties of art, I have been forcibly impressed with this great truth when, on returning from a walk in Windsor Forest, I have cast my eyes on a representation of the scene, cut out of a sheet of Bath post by my grandmamma. Without having been previously apprised that the forms of animals under the trees were meant for stags, I should not have been able to identify them as such.

A favourite saying of my papa's, whenever anything did not exactly please him, was "They manage these things better in France." He had never been in France, and he was generally opposed to the admission of French customs, and to the tolerance of all foreigners in this country. It was, therefore, tho more generous in him to assume that what is wrong in England is right elsewhere.

[merged small][merged small][ocr errors]
[graphic][merged small][merged small]

MRS. BROWN ON LORD MAYOR'S SHOW.

Been in bed f I should think I had been, three whole days, all thro' goin' to see it, as Mrs. Edwards persuaded me to, for Bays she to me, "Mrs. Brown, mum, it can't be, they never would allow it." Says I, "Why not?"

"Well," says she, "they may; but it don't seem natural for to have a Jew for Lord Mayor, as I've Beed him myself a-goin' to church, gold chain and all, as they'd never trust him with."

So Brown he come in jest then, and I says to him, "You're the party for to settle it; here's Mrs. Edwards a-goin' on like a downright fiery bigget about a Jew boin' Lord Mayor." "Well," says Brown, "I dare say he's just as good a Christian as many as sets there; besides, he ain't the fuat as has proved a Jew, and one on 'em was a Catholic." "Well," she says, "I never did."

I says, "It's all very well for him bein' a Jew, as is his business, but as to his goin' to church it's downright ridiculous; he must set there a-laughin' in his sleeves, as is unbecomin' in any one in a place of woship, 'cos I knows as Jews don't hold with goin' to church, as well I remembers a lady as was that way a-tellin' a party as I was a-nussin' as they never did." Brown says, "Well, if I was a Jew I shouldn't go to church; for I should say plump and plain as it wasn't my ways, as is only a form after all."

"Well," I says, "them forms is very proper, but not for Jews, as don't hold with them, as I'm sure is very strict in their ways, as I've knowed them as would have starved afore they'd have touched a bit of pork, tho' certainly their fried fish is beautiful, and I never did taste such rum Bhrub like what they drinks on their fast days, as ia kind-hearted people." So Mrs. Edwards she says, "If any one but rou had told me such a thing I would not havo believed it. A Jew 'or Lord Mayor! They'll be havin'him for a bishop next." Brown he says, "Why not f" thro' not arholdin' with bishopB.

But I says, "Brown, you're a-talkin' foolish, as don't become your time of life." Mas. Edwards a-seein' me a-gettin' warm says, "Well," says she, "I won't believe it tiH I see it, and see it I will, and will you go, as there is a first floor open to you in Fleet-street t

"Well," I says, "it's chilly weather for tho open air." Says she, "We can have the window shut nearly all the time."

So I said as I'd go thro' the weather bein' mild for November, tho' it's not a month as I cares to take cold in, for it lays hold on you with a cough as I've know'd last till May, as horehound won't pacify nor squills allay, as is only things as utisets the stomach, and makes one feel frequent nauseous. It was all very well a-goin' to Fleet-street when we was livin' at the East-end, but now as we're out in Lambeth it's out of the way, tho' it is but a step to the Woxhall station, where I gets the train to Waterloo. Brown ho says, "You have a cab, or you'll come to grief in the crowd." I says, "I'm a-goin' with Mrs. Edwards, as knows her way about."

We got comfortable to the train thro' it bein' fine over head, and was whisked into Waterloo pretty sharp.

I was jammed frightful once or twice a-gettin' over the bridge, aB was that crowded with them rough characters, as kep' a-treadin' on my gown and then usin' of low-lived langwidge, as is revoltin' agin a lady's car; and if it hadn't been for the police I don't think as ever I could a-got thro'. Mrs. Edwards Bhe's a skin and grief figgcr, as could Bqueeze everywhere, like a weazel in a hen-roost, as the sayin' is, and soon got ahead of me.

A very nice young woman sho came up to mo and says, "Oh, mum, if you please, which ever is my way to Westminster, as am goin' after a situation, and 'ave got lost in the crowd f" "Westminster," I says, "is close by where I've come from; but," I says, " direct you I can't."

So she says, "Would you mind me a-walkin' by your side, as would be a protection, for I ain't used to them crowds

A lot of fellows came a-jostlin' agin us, and that young woman she clung that tight to my arm as I couldn't move, as was natural for her not to like them young men's rough ways. When we was got clear of them she says, "'Ave you lost anything?" "Ko," I says ; for I'd only got my umbrella. She says, "They've turned my pockets out."

1 says, "'Old my umbrella while I feels for my puss ;" but, bless you, my pocket, as is a stout nankeen, was emptied, not as I'd much in it, as was lucky, and shouldn't have minded so much if they hadn't took my silver thimblo with a steel top, as is the best as ever I worked with. Well, back comes Mrs. Edwards a-Bayin', "Why don't you come on P" So I says, "I've been robbed." "Law !" she says, "you don't say so!" I says, "I do, and so is this young woman, ' as I turned for to speak to, but she was gone, as was an 'nssy in my opinion, and smelt of sperrits that early, as don't look well..

However I got through the crowd is a puzzle to me, with all the' gethers reg'lar tore out of my alpaca, as is lined thro', with a warm shawl on, as was as much as I could bear thro' bein' one as heats up all of a minute. Well, we was close by the house, as is a corner, and there was a crowd all up to the door. So says Mrs. Edwards, " Be so good as to make way," quite civil, but of all the jeerin' wagabones it was that crowd. One says, "Oh, here's the Lady Mayoress as

stops the way;" and another says, "Make room for Sairut Gamp and Betsy Priog, as is wanted particular." When we got in the young woman was very short, and said as the house were that full, but Mrs. Edwards kep' a-Bayin', "Come on." So up we goes that rapid as made my breath uncommon short, and if it hadn't been for the landin's as I rested on I don't think as ever I should have got up. Of all the dark staircases as ever I was on it was the darkest, and that narrow as meetin' parties comin' down was squeezy work.

"Bless your windows! " says I to Mrs. Edwards, "wherever are they?" as the room was chuck full, and every room as we opened parties says, "Up higher." Up w,e goes till I says, "Well," I says, "Mrs. Edwajlds, higher we can't go unless it is the roof." A young chap as was a-comin' up says, "That's the best place."

"What," I says, "thro' the cock-loft door." I says, "Never." Mrs. Edwards she says, " Oh, it will be beautiful, you'll see the procession a-comin' and a-goin'."

So through she gets, and she give me her hand, and begun a-pullin' that violent as I says, "Excuse me, but rav sleeve is crackin' under the arm, and I'd rather manage for myself,'' as I did thro' a-takin' off my shawl and a-strugglin' up to that trap-door, as is what I might come to some day thro' it's bein' a fire-escape, as I don't believe no family ever could get through in time. When I was got out there we was on the roof, with nothin' but the gutters for to stand in, except the hedge of the parapitch, as that young chap would walk along, as made me all of a creep thro' terrors, a-knowin' well as there wasn't nothin' between him and distraction, as the noise down below was downright scarifyin'. So I says, "Whatever you do hold tight," I says, for I know'd a party as tell thro' a skylight a-doin' this very thing, and if he hadn't pitched on hie head into a tailor's workshop, as was able to catch him in their outstretched arms thro' a-settin' all round at work, he'd have been broke to bits.

It was all very fine to talk about Lord Mayor's Show, but, law bless you, I couldn't see nothm' of it thro' that parapitch bein' just on a level with my eyes, and as to climbin' up them tiles I says, " Not if I knows it." Well, Mrs. Edwards she'd scrambled up, and was a-standin' holdm' on to a stack of chimblies, a-eayin' as she see beautiful, and as for me I was a-thinkin' however I should get thro' that cock-loft agin, with the blacks a-comin' down in showers, when a red-faced party puts his head out at that trap-door, and says, "What arc you a-doin' up here t" I says, " Sir, I'm Mrs. Edwards' friend, as were brought here by that lady as is a-clingin' to the chimbly."

I wouldn't repeat the words as that red-faced party used, not upon no account; but I hollars to Mrs. Edwards, but, bless you, Bhe was a-WEvin' of her handkereher like mad as the procession was a-comin' along, and didn't hear me. So the red-faced man he shouts to her, "You come off my tiles, as will be broke to bits, or else," ho Bays, "I'll have the police." I says," I'm not on your tiles, and if I was," I says, "you dare moslest me at your peril, as might be any one's death a-terrifyin' like this." He says, " Come out."

Well, Mrs. Edwards she come along, and didn't that man go on, and begun a-blowin' up the young chap, as was his 'prentice, as turned on us a-sayin' we said we was friends, as is a thing as never crossed my lips, and if we hadn't come to the wrong house thro' Mrs. Edwards mistakin' the corner. If there is a thing as I can't a-bear it's to look foolish; but certainly that red-faced man needn't have give way to that lanwidge as he did. So I says, " Please for to recollect as you are addressin' of ladies." "Ladies," says,he, "pretty sort of ladies,

[graphic]

Let me out." He says, " Come in." I says, "That's what I want to." I was in that fluster a-gettin' in at that trap thro' bein' hurried, that I missed the step as I did ought to have put my foot on, and in I went all of a slip like, and it's a mercy as the trap-door were that narrow as it caught me under the arms, or I might have been killed, but thro' a-ecmin' that sudden I ketched the red-fac<d man a kick in the pit of his stomach as reg'lar doubled him up. He Bat a-hewlin' on the landin', but, law bless you, I never stopped to look at him, for I'd got the start down them stairs, and away 1 went to the street-door, as was open, and I hurries out.

The crowd was a-breakin' up, and I was that flurried, so I asks a policeman what I'd best do with no money and a-fsmishin' for semething. As to Mrs. Edwards I couldn't see her nowhere. I says, "Get me a cab." Says the policeman, "There ain't no,cabs allowed." And no more there wasn't, and if I wasn't obliged to walk all the way to near Waterloo-1 ridge with not a halfpenny to pay the toll, and had to le ave my 'ankeicher, and got a cab heme at last.

Mrs. Edwards she ccme the next day for to tell me as ibe fell in with friends on the first floor, and spent a pleasant evenin', with tea and Bupper, to say nothin' of lunch, and blamed my bein' in that hurry; but she's a mean-minded woman for to have broke bread in that house after them insults; but as to Lord Mayor's Show, it's a downright nuisance, and give mo that cold as I've been in bed three days, and it's my opinion it did ought to be put down.

« PreviousContinue »