A PAINTER'S LOVE. Ан me the happy days I spent, When all the fields were sweet with clover, Ere yet my head with care was bent, And I could feebly play the lover; Ah me the foolish words I said, To which she listened so sedately; The while I painted her bright head, Upon the fair breast bending stately. I was too young in those old days, To know that love must keep a carriage, I knew she liked my artist ways, And never thought of care and marriage. It seems so sweet remembering now, That little head bent o'er my shoulder, That I could wish that fair young brow Had never grown a summer older. That summer evening seems a dream, When our young vows were fondly plighted; The river seems a dreamland stream, By dreamland sunbeams golden-lighted; DO YOU SEE ANY GREEN? Lady of Taste (to Artist, whose Picture of "Spring" she has purchased):"OH! I LIKE IT VERY MUCH-ONLY GREEN IS SUCH AN UNBECOMING COLOUR!" WATER ON THE BRAIN. We have had forwarded to us a report of a temperance meeting at Plymouth, which is so funny that we must draw attention to it. A paper on "the present condition of the Band of Hope movement" is spoken of in the following terms: "The paper, however, contained valuable information, though in some cases it appeared as if the number of children attending a school had been counted twice." This looks very much as if the author of the report had been seeing double. A person of the name of DOXSEY-not Orthodoxsey, for he was a Dissenting minister-found an awful warning in the fact that "60,000 drunkards die every year." But considering that a much larger number who are not drunkards die every year, the argument, if it be an argument, would seem to be in favour of intoxication. The same person in the end of his speech counselled incendiarism in these words: "If a rick of barley were purposely set on fire and destroyed, the act was not so wicked or mischievous as to use that same rick for the manufacture of strong drink." This is an instance of such criminal folly as has led to the outbreak in Jamaica. Another speaker let fall a fact which is worth recording as a counterblast to the unveracious boastings of the teetotallers : "It was a lamentable fact that the children of teetotallers too frequently cared little or nothing about the cause of temperance. (Hear.)" We are glad to think, that as the Helots of old taught the Spartan youth the evils of excess, so the modern teetotaller is a living warning to his children against the debasing effects of over-indulgence in cant and self-righteousness. A VOICE FROM THE CATTLE SHOW. THE prize ox writes to inform us that his notion of the cattle plague is the public that insists on punching him in all his tender points. THE CLOWN'S MOTTO.-"Bismuth first, pleasure afterwards." : Answers to Correspondents. X. Y., Leeds, must be one of that very old and afflicted family, the X-Y's. He sends us some halting lines, and says he can "supply us with any amount of trash in this style or any other at any time." Unfortunately trash is a drug in the market. FRIZZLEWIG.-Yes, we know the frizzy curls of yellow hair that bent over the manuscript of "The Error." Alas, that we are obliged to refuse what it would be a miss-take on our part to accept. A BORE.-We have at your request looked over the lines, so you cannot consider yourself overlooked. Mc C., Limerick, encloses two riddles, and "wishes to hear from the editor in return." Unfortunately we don't return rejected MSS. ISIDORI, P Lane, requests us to return "Trifles light as air," if they are "too light" for us. As they are much too heavy, and as our correspondent moreover neglected to enclose a stamped and directed envelope, we have not retransmitted the trifles. A CONSTANT READER.-You should not joke about Joint Stock Provision Companies when the times are so out of joint that we have to go to France for our beef. long for our premises, and we must therefore decline it with thanks. R. W.-The "Confectionary Counter of the Crystal Palace" is too London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-December 23, 1865. FROM OUR STALL. Who Killed Cock Robin? is a capital Palais Royal piece, done capitally at the Haymarket. Palais Royal pieces are not always translatable-we beg pardon, Messieurs les English authors Dramatiques-we should say adaptable; but Who Killed Cock Robin ?-the two-act farce-is as free from offence as the baby's poem of that name. It is as funny as it is proper, that is to say, it is both funny and proper, which is not always the case with a fine old English five-act comedy to say nothing of tragedy. Another agreeable thing, too, about the Haymarket version of Le Meurtrier de Théodore, is, that it is not called "New and Original," which is such a deadly insult to the public in these days of twelve hours to Paris, and Cook's excursions. Bravi, MESSIEURS CHARLES MATHEWS and CHIPPENDALE, and nos hommages, MESDAMES CHARLES MATHEWS et FITZWILLIAMS, and when you act together as well in another piece as good, may we be there to see! Why will Men be such Fools?" BY ONE OF THEMSELVES. "WHY will men be such fools?" I cry; I throw the letter down, And wait for Echo to reply, And help abuse young BROWN. "He's married!" He, the once rare soul Of all our college set; His only sweet the "midnight bowl"- How oft, o'er many a fragrant weed, We've broached" the treach'rous fair" In cynic mood; sworn foes agreed But he's been caught, and I'm alone Yet still defiance marks my tone, 'Mid waltz's maze, in FLORA's ear, I breathed my note of war; She smiled: my heart's too firm for fear It never feared before. "War to the knife!" Again she smiled, My heart was strong; but still (Champagne my senses p'raps beguiled) I felt a little ill. Another smile! I really must Resist this onslaught keen. Not mine to ask again, I trow, For FLORA, Smiling sweet disdain, SEASONABLE SAWS. BY A HOUSEHOLDER AND PATERFAMILIAS. CHRISTMAS Waits:-My tradesmen, because they won't be paid just yet. Christmas Meat:-That little bill of JONES's that I can't meet. Christmas Fare:-Sixpence a mile and a shilling extra for luggage, because you're bringing home some toys for the children. relations didn't consider it a duty to dine with one on Christmas Day." Christmas Wishes:-"I wish the bills were paid." "I wish one's I wish those noisy children were in bed." "I wish I were in bed." 66 A LIFE'S DAY A RIDE'S ROMANCE. Он, there was a youthtain of high degree, A beautiful milliner's girl. She passed Pall Mall on her way to the Strand- A cerulean band-box she bore in her hand, He vowed he would follow her twice round the world, But that was a thing no respectable girl'd And she, who was modest as mushrooms in May, And where she was gone he could never suppose- With a void in his heart, and a black on his nose, TOWN TALK. BY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY. HE Covent Garden version of Aladdin eclipses all minor efforts in that line hitherto seen, if I may believe a mysterious glance behind the curtain with which I have been favoured. But the Covent Garden Co. has a good company to back it, and possesses the sinews of war. The ensemble too is a happy mixture, for there are several PAYNES that delight us, and a scenic artist who GRIEVES us while he pleases. Of the Master of Ravenswood it is too early to speak, but I may mention that I was present at the last representation of Ruy Blas on Saturday week, and that I trust that piece will be often reproduced. FECHTER never acted better in his life, and he has quite overcome the one objection in which captious critios, failing all other cause of complaint, were glad to find refuge his French accent. I don't care if the piece be bad or good it is always a treat to see FECHTER, and so though I haven't seen it I am sure his Edgar will be a treat. The new Surrey comes out with all its old excellence, and a fresh charm of novelty in its pantomime this year. It is one of the few houses where genuine pantomime is to be found in these degenerate days, and on that account earns the best wishes of the little folk. I HAVE noticed a characteristic bit of the sharp practice which Exeter Hall people seem not to consider incompatible with piety. My readers are probably aware that all the hoardings in London are rented by capitalist and " champion bill-posters, who sub-let to advertisers. To stick a notice on such hoardings without paying for it is not very unlike picking a man's pocket; but it is an action which some one connected with a "converted" Exeter Hall declaimer has not been too "good to commit. The hoardings of London were surreptitiously posted, one night not long since, with announcements of an Exeter Hall gathering, whereat, doubtless, the make any reference, I wonder, to the iniquity of cribbing advertiseprincipal performer descanted largely on iniquity in general. Did he ments? Ir is only because it dates from Exeter Hall that I have any doubts of the success and good intentions of a new musical society just started. It calls itself the Concordia, and its cbject is the production of unperformed masterpieces. If the society brings forward creditably any of the great works which are only known in England by reputation, it will deserve the thanks of all lovers of music. The programme is a fair one; and the fact that no salaries will be paid to persons connected with the managerial department seems to prove that it is not connected with the usual element of the Hall, where the axiom that every labourer is worthy of his hire is seldom overlooked. On these grounds I wish the new society all success. THE collision in the Channel is naturally causing some attention to be drawn to the careless watch and insufficient lights displayed on board ships sailing up and down Channel, especially where there is so much quick transit going on across it. American vessels are, I fear, celebrated for an almost culpable disregard of necessary precautions; but I hope that the allegation that they are also apt, in cases of collision, to act as the Emma Buck did is not a true one. Yet I must confess that the treatment of their crews, as too often shown at the Police Courts, does not argue too much humanity on the part of Yankee skippers. THE examination of MR. LLOYD's beggar, at Thirsk, cannot be quite so satisfactory as that Christian Chairman of Sessions could have wished. Country magistrates have, on more than one occasion, combined the offices of judge and catchpole; but MR. LLOYD appeared anxious to exercise the functions of executioner. A full-blown chairman might surely take a lad into custody without finding it necessary to break his head with a hunting-crop. Even supposing the lad had been begging, MR. LLOYD has so grossly misconducted himself that the Secretary of State cannot possibly permit him to be entrusted any longer with the commission of the peace. If the lad did not beg-and the evidence is strongly in favour of the supposition, the sole testimony to the contrary being that of a man for whose conduct the only possible excuse that can be found is that he had been dining out-MR. LLOYD should be made to feel that those who are entrusted with the administration of the law must pay more dearly than ordinary persons when they transgress it. A more disgraceful case has not, in my opinion, stained even the annals of the Great Unpaid for a long time. I was very much struck, the other day, in passing down Bondcombination of humming birds, those "living jewels"-only in this street, with some exquisite bijouterie in EMANUEL's window. It is a instance they are dead-with gold. The heads, breasts, and crests are mounted in setting the beaks being replaced by gold, and the eyes by rubies or brilliants. They are most artistic and beautiful; and as the exhibition (in the window) is free it ought to be popular. Difficult to please. I NEVER knew an uncle's love-an aunt's attentive care- can't To let me have an uncle, and some cousins, and an aunt! If I could have a hundred pounds paid annually down, FIRE! A NEW fire-annihilator has been invented, which bears the name of L'Extincteur. Its merits were tested the other day in the presence of the DUKE OF WELLINGTON and other people of distinction-we were nearly saying extinction. At the end of the trial, says the report we quote "In order to test the innocuous nature of the contents of the little engine, his Grace and several of the company testified to the same by drinking some out of a glass." How delightful! We hope a large supply of the fluid will be bottled and stored in the cellars of the House of Commons. Any member likely to flare up on slight occasion might take a glass of the mixture, which although described as an extinguisher, would prevent him from getting "put out." The Cattle Plague in Ireland. THE plague, we regret to inform our readers, has broken out among the Irish bulls-several of which, driven jocularly into conversation, have fallen dead among the audience. To prevent the spread of the disease, the Lord Mayor of Dublin has ordered that "The Tune the old cow died of "shall not be played in any public thoroughfare. A JUSTICE IN EYRE.-The Governor of Jamaica. mas. PANTOMIME ON "GENTEEL" PRINCIPLES. TO THE EDITOR OF FUN. SIR,-I am a fogey and I'm fond of pantomimes. I hope I shall never grow too old to enjoy the ringing laughter of the tiny brats who roar at the old old jokes, and clap their little podgy palms crimson at the old old knock-down tom-foolery which, like port wine, improves with age-and will of course be witnessed in great force this ChristBut though by no means an inveterate grumbler, and least of all so at this festive season, I must really draw your attention to a growing evil in the announcements of our theatrical managers. I pass over such monstrosities as Pantaloons who will talk, of Clowns who will tumble most dexterously ("clown" is indeed a sad misnomer now in most cases, for there are few of them clownish); of harlequins who reject spangled "tights" for garments as loose as their own conduct, and I will only heave a passing sigh when mentioning that fearful infliction, "a double company" of pantomimists. Yes sir, I will not allude any further to these dismal innovations. Somebody must like them or they wouldn't be there, and perhaps I'm nobody. But, sir, there is hidden away in an unobtrusive and even retiring advertisement of MR. E. T. SMITH's, a furtive sentence which, if I may be allowed the expression, is nothing less than the thin end of the wedge. We are to be genteel this Christmas, and-but here it is: Extract from the Astley's Advertisement. "The study of the lessee has been to expunge everything approaching vulgarity either in the opening or the comic scenes.' (MR. E. T. SMITH frowns upon him from the wing, being naturally alarmed lest the insular pronunciation and innate vulgarity of the old man may shock a sensitive public.) BUTCHER.-And what may you desire, sir? CLOWN (who would, under happier and less critical circumstances, have indulged in a somewhat personal tirade against the trade in general, and the present butcher in particular, but who now considers the justice of the case is met by the following remark).—A half-a-pound of steak (simply steak be it understood, steak without the terrible word attached which signifies tenderness, juiciness, and fivepence a pound more than beef steak), and I hope you will not palm off anything of an inferior quality. (Is about to purloin a leg of mutton, but recollecting the nature of the entertainment refuses to be tempted.) PANTALOON.-Oh, JOSEPH, here's a (thinks of a substitute for peeler," "crusher," ," "bobby," and other stock titles for policemen, but all of course obviously too broad for a pantomime on genteel principles, and says) here's a-a-guardian of the public peace." POLICEMAN.-Proceed there, proceed. (" Move on" having been indigProceed, you exceedingly nantly struck out of the MS. by the lessee.) eccentric snapper-up of unconsidered trifles. SMALL BOY (to Policeman). I should feel obliged by your informing me who purloined the pâté du lapin? POLICEMAN.Hah! THOUGHTS ON CHRISTMAS, BY A HYPOCHONDRIAC. "WELCOME, Christmas!" sings the poet, Welcome Christmas ?-no not I. (Indignation for the moment overcoming all recollections of the stage manager's advice, the policeman is rash enough to venture on seizing the boy. Enter various parties who apologise, but are compelled to throw (gently) various delicacies at each other, made-dishes, ice-puddings, Shade of GRIMALDI! Ghost of comic Christmas Pantomime! meringues, lobster salad and other dainties taking the place of the ordinary Spirit of NELSON LEE-no, I beg his pardon, he is alive, thank good-fish, turnips, carrots, etc., which at the best are but vulgar vegetables. ness, and I hope, kicking, or rather instigating his clown to kick as Upon a scene of mild confusion the drop descends, and the band, afraid to usual this winter-what does MR. E. T. SMITH mean? What! Are venture on " Bobbing Joan," obviously a vulgar melody, commences a minuet we to become so squeamishly polite that even the rollicking knockto which harlequin and columbine strike a series of highly respectable, not about rowdyism of that rampant bully Mr. Clown, is to be toned to say solemn and impressive, postures, and are much surprised at being down and refined for fear of shocking the delicate senses of the pelted. The manager makes up his mind to fall back upon the old style of Astley's audience (a theatre where nothing coarse is ever exhibited, oh pantomime, and sends off a special messenger to alter all the advertisements dear no). If it is to be so, I for one, sir, object to it. I want to see immediately). Your's, dear FUN, vulgarity and nothing but vulgarity from Joe Clown. Defend me INIGO PITT. from a genteel one who speaks correct English, never drops an aspirate, and refuses to fall in a sudden and humiliating manner, or who objects to assisting pantaloon in extremities.* This mawkish admiration for mild platitudes in rhyme in preference to real, ringing broad fun, in crisp comic couplets, is bad enough when its deleterious shadow is cast over the "opening," cramping the author, who is afraid that his drollery may be taken in ill part, and his rattling dialogue be considered "vulgar" by some twopenny-halfpenny would-be critic, whose own powers have never been exhibited save in a washed-out translation or two; but when it comes to tampering with the "comic business"-why then, sir, it is time that you-you, the essence and incarnation of Fun at all seasons, should raise your powerful voice, and you must do it. No flinching. Your space I know is valuable. No matter. I have drawn out the sketch of a little scene done upon the "polite" principle. It will not be too late, I trust, for the respected manager to whom I have alluded, to introduce it. I have no doubt that the present pantomime at Astley's is as good as last year's, which was the best I've seen for years, but he must not teach us manners through the medium of Christmas clown and pantaloon. SCENE.-Exterior of what would have been (in less genteel times) MR. CRACKJAWS, Dentist, and MR. RAW BONES, Butcher. The names are, however, in obedience to a general desire for something not too broad, in the present instance, MR. MOLAR IVORY and MR. ROBERTO RINDERPEST. Music. Clown is heard to commence the time-honoured shout of "I see you do it," when remembering the advertisement he drops his voice and remarks, mildly, "I observed you perform that action." He is about to tumble over à la Catharine wheel as usual on to the stage, but checks himself in time, and enters with an erect bearing, and slowly. Pantaloon totters on and smiles feebly. CLOWN.-Now, then, you obtuse elderly person, why do you not come on ? PANTALOON (taking snuff after the manner of the old nobility).-Oh! JOSEPH. CLOWN.-There's a spirituel butcher. Let us have a little facetious communication with him. (Bows to butcher profoundly. Pantaloon (as usual) gets in his way. Clown gently puts him aside, and again bows respectfully to butcher. This is repeated with much solemnity. The butcher is not stout or red-faced, that would be too like life and might offend parents.) CLOWN (is about to say "Good mornin'," but upon reflection considers that a foreign tongue might be more appropriate (under the circumstances), and with a shrug observes).—Bon Jour. PANTALOON (influenced by a laudable spirit of emulation).—Bong Joor. This is evidently a subtle allusion, on the part of our correspondent, to the manner in which the clown picks up his companion when knocked flat on his face.ED. FUN. If I did, I should not only Lots of bores come at his back. Christmas slides! they throw me down; DR. MARIGOLD'S PRESCRIPTIONS. For outward application.-A slap for the back of merit; a rod for mas. CON. BY A CREDITOR. WHY should every lamplighter be named WILLIAM? THE MILLENNIUM AT LAST!-DR. CUMMING, in his last work, states that he has exhausted all he has to say or write on the fulfilment of prophecy! It is but fair to state that our Contributor was helped three times to pudding!-ED. FUN. Gamekeeper (speaking at Smith, who has fired away his ramrod):-" Now THAT'S DOWNRIGHT CLEVER, THAT IS. IT AIN'T EVERY ONE AS CAN KILL A BIRD AND TRUSS HIM FOR COOKING AT ONE SHOT!" THE COCKNEY'S EVENING-SONG. FADES into twilight the last golden gleam Day brought us trouble, but Night brings us peace; Round the mansion where Pleasure and paraffin smile. And let mirth and the lamplighter hurry this way. The Schoolmaster Abroad Again! Ir is a curious fact that scholastic advertisements are remarkable for a lack of one of the first things a school is expected to teach-a knowledge of English. We have come on the following delightful solecism-or, to make an unjustifiable pun on the principal's name, COLECISM-in the advertisement of a college at Newton Abbot: AFTER Christmas "The Park School" will be known by the above title, on taking possession of their new buildings. Another odd passage occurs in the advertisement. In speaking of certain exhibitions open to inhabitants of Newton, we read:"Candidates to be under 14 or 15 on 1st Jan., 1866." Surely, if candidates under 15 are admissible, there can be little need to specify that those under 14 will not be excluded! THE PRINCE'S PRESENT. THE following gush from a loyal and enthusiastic liner appeared in the Times a short time ago: "A BIRTHDAY PRESENT. - Yesterday being the anniversary of the PRINCESS ALEXANDRA's birthday, the PRINCE OF WALES had prepared a surprise for the Princess in the shape of a beautiful pair of bay ponies, with carriage and harness complete, the whole forming a handsome birthday present. The carriage, which is by a celebrated London maker, is of an exceedingly novel make, there being a front seat, as usual, the hind part of the vehicle being provided with a couple of seats something in the dog-cart fashion, the seat behind being intended for the groom." That the carriage is of an exceedingly novel make we are willing to take the liner's word; but we don't quite follow his line of argument when he attempts to prove the unprecedented character of the vehicle by explaining that there was a front seat "as usual." ONE OF THE MAXIMS OF BAKIN'. WHEN does a baker's wife become one of the fixtures of his shop ?When she is a little-lovin' (a little oven). |