MRS. BROWN ON SOCIETY.

I CERTAINLY very well knows that I'm better off nor ever I expected to be, but that's not my case alone, for look at them Lord Mayors, as often comes from nothing, and LOUIS NAPOLEON, as I've heard say was brought down to mend his own boots in a back garret of St. Giles's, where in my opinion he might be now for all I cares, for I don't hold with them Brummagem kings and queens like some, as might as well stop in the Sandwich Islands as come here a-showin' their black faces, as I see her myself with nothin' but a converted boatswain for a father, though they do say as she is amiable, but, as I says, why not stop at home, and then no questions wouldn't be asked.

As for that MISS CHELLINS a-tellin' me as they wouldn't never have asked me into their society if they'd know'd as I'd been a monthly nuss its downright cheek. So I says, MISS CHELLINS, your words is falsehood, though pr'aps unbeknown to utter. I never were a monthly nuss; not as I'm goin' to deny havin' been with parties in their troubles, as I should not mention through its bein' a-blowin' of my own trumpet, for I'm sure I never got a penny by it, and neglected my own home through a seein' after others as proved ungrateful," as I'm sure that MRS. WADDELL was, as I stayed with off and on over six weeks, and then to say as she couldn't sleep for my snores, as am a infant in my slumbers.

"No," I says, "MISS CHELLINS, I can hold my head up with anybody, for I was a poor girl, though brought up respectable, with hardworkin' parents, and my father a fellowship porter, as was crushed between two lighters a-closin' as he slipped with a sack of wheat on Eis back, and a mercy he wasn't drownded though, and never able for to straighten hisself to his dyin' day, and fourteen shillin's a week Pension ain't much for them as had had three pounds and five in family, and I'm sure the way as my dear mother slaved is a credit to her memory, as lies in Horselydown Churchyard, though a-wishin' to be buried in Redriff with her parents, close to PRINCE LEBOO, as they didn't never ought to have brought from his friends, as is well-known that they never can live through it, for however can they throw it out through a black skin, as must be that tough as defies perspiration.

"So when she was a widow and me only sixteen, I goes to service, and never had but two places in seven years, as ended in marrying BROWN, as were as steady as Old Time with a horse and cart.

"I had worked hard as a gal at home, and worked hard as a wife, and the mother of five and buried two. A happy wife too, though I must say I do think as BROWN were harsh about NED, as wasn't a bad boy, though one as would answer, as the father couldn't give in to; but pr'aps it's all for the best, though I did nearly break my heart when he 'listed; but now as he's give up soldierin', is doin' well in Canada, and sent me home that five pounds, as is in the savings' bank now for him, as I'd rather have starved than touched, I seems reconciled.

"He was a fine young fellow as ever you see, just under six feet in his socks, with a good, honest face, and a mouth of teeth as might make a elephant envious for ivory.

"I shan't never forget the evenin' as he come in to wish me goodbye, because BROWN wouldn't see him and only seventeen. He was a brave boy. How I loved him when I see him with his under lip a-quiverin' like a arrow; but he didn't give way, and I wouldn't neither, but spoke cheerful, a-tryin' for to joke him about his red coat. It wouldn't do though, for I was pretty near a-chokin' and when he got up sudden like and said, 'Good-bye, mother. Say God bless you, NED, and then I shall go happy,' I thought I must have died; but no, I didn't, I give him a hearty mother's kiss and said, 'God bless you, my boy,' and off he went, but what it cost me to part with him, and just at Christmas too, nobody would ever know in this world."

I says, "MISS CHELLINS, I'll trouble you for to take your muddy boots off my fender." I could a-said they ain't nothin' for to show, as was kid tops wore to nothin', only I wouldn't hurt her feelin's, though she might have had the mud brushed off, for poverty ain't no crime, though, in my opinion, dirt is despisable. So she says, "I'm a-goin'." I says, "By all means." She says, "I didn't go and say nothin' to MRS. BUTLER, as was the party as told me as you was a nuss, and your daughters in service, and MR. BROWN only a engine-driver." I says, "Both my daughters was in service decided, and our JANET is married to a ivory-turner and a-doin' well, though not a young man as ever I took to, and don't see much on, for I never did go very often when they was in two rooms, and am not goin' now as they've got a pretty house, furnished beautiful, as I've only seen it twice, through him gettin' into a large way of business in the turnin' line.

"As to my ELIZA, as is the child of my heart, she's been three years in Devonshire, and is a-goin' to be married next month to a young farmer, with two hundred acres of land, though livin' with a mother-in-law wouldn't suit me.

"I wants her to come home to be married, and she wants me to go

there through the young ladies where she's been a-livin' a-wanting her to be married there.

"I don't know how they'll settle it; but I don't think as they'll ketch me a-doin' Devonshire this time of year, as is all very well in the spring, not as I holds with their clotted cream a-comin' up reg'lar churned by the railway."

As I was a-sayin' to MISS CHELLINS, "Don't you ever fancy as your clothes will ever set the wuss on your back for bein' paid for honest with money as you've worked for. There's many gals now a-flauntin' about in dirty finery, as is a disgrace, with a cane crinoline for to stick it out, as might have been a decent servant and a credit to herself."

So she ups and says as she never had no occasions to work, for her pa was a gentleman.

A pretty sort of gentleman with the heels wore off his boots and the fingers out of his gloves, with two hundred a year in some office, and eight to keep out of it, and owin' seventeen pounds at the chandlery shop, as I wouldn't have the firewood from. I have seen the butcher with my own eyes take the joint from the door through not givin' them credit for nothin'.

I hadn't no patience with that gal a-settin' there a-talkin' about balls and parties, and how as her ma meant to give one, and for to ask me. So I says, "MISS CHELLINS, if you think as I wants any of your parties you're quite mistook, so don't let your ma bother her head about me." She says, "I dare say as you would feel awkward as you did at MRS. BUTLER'S."

I says, "Pray, whoever said as I was awkward anywhere," I says, "and as to MRS. BUTLER, she's no lady, and as to givin' parties, I think if she was to take her own father out of the workhouse it would be as well."

I quite forgot as MISS CHELLINS were niece to MRS. BUTLER, and as it were her grandpapa consequential in the workhouse. Up she fires and says as he'd brought it on hisself through drink and gamin'.

As quiet a old man, bless you, as can be, and doin' well once in the coal-shed line, where MRS. BODDY, as washes my heavy things, know'd him well.

I says, "MISS CHELLINS, poverty ain't no disgrace, though very ill convenient; but," I says, "don't go for to take away his character, poor old gentleman." She says, "He might a-rode in his carriage." I says, "Rubbish! you means the cart as he took round the coals and wegetables in, as no doubt he often did." If she didn't get up and say I were a low-lived party, and not fit for society.

So I says, "No, thank you, I am not, if society means a-cuttin' of a shabby genteel figger, with a rubbishin' gown on and stockin's as would disgrace a sweep, and a-starvin' of a servant-gal, and goin' in debt for a hearthstone, and a top of all that, givin' a party with nothin' fit to eat or drink, then I'm not fit for it, and don't want it.” I says, "None of your dashin' ways for me, as is only another name for the Insolvency Court."

Well, she didn't hear no more, but goes out all of a bounce, and banged the street-door pretty near off its hinges.

When BROWN was a-readin' the paper in the evenin', "Hallo," he says, "MARTHA, here's one of our neighbours through the hoop." I says, "Whatever do you mean?" "Why," he says, "CHELLINS, Laura-place, South Lambeth." "What?" says I. "Insolvent," says he.

I thought I should have dropped, to think of me a-hurtin' that poor gal's feelin's like that; but I says, "I'll go over the first thing in the mornin', and see if MRS. CHELLINS wants a friend, for though I don't want none of her society, p'raps she'll put up with me now, when I dare say the evenin' party folks won't care to be there."

OUR LIBRARY TABLE.

HRISTMAS books still crowd upon us. MESSRS. CASSELL, PETTER, and GALPIN have issued another volume of DORE'S Illustrations-illustrations of a wonderfully grotesque character, and to that pre-eminently grotesque book Baron Munchausen. MR. SHORE, the editor, gives a preface, in which he enters minutely into the history of this curious farrago of falsehoods, and seems anxious to give to England the honour of its production. The edition contains far more than any other we have met with; some of the stories thus restored having a family likeness to a few old fairy legends. The text of the translation is easy and rollicking, the illustrations full of humour. A couple of plates, illustrative of the Baron's progress at the bottom of the sea, are very fine specimens of wood-engraving. Altogether, the book forms a present such as all who enjoy good pictures and absurd stories will thoroughly appreciate. The Magic Mirror, by MR. GILBERT, with whose novel, De Profundis, our readers are or ought to be acquainted, is published by MR. STRAHAN, with numerous illustrations by MR. W. S. GILBERT. It is a capital collection of stories, each containing a moral which, however, is never forced too prominently forward, and all being strung on the main thread so as to carry on the interest to the end, where the reader is left to decipher a puzzle from which only a knowledge of the Hebrew character (we don't mean an acquaintance with Jew bill-discounters), can extricate him. The story of the Sacristan of St. Botolph and that of Giles the Swineherd, are particularly funny, and carry a good point which tickles one generally about the seventh rib. The cuts are very grotesque and full of character, the demons in particular being so original that we hope the artist, with an eye to appropriative property men, has patented them. There is more genuine caricature about these sketches than can be met with in half the socalled grotesqueries of the day.

We have also received The Twelfth Finger of the Left Hand but One, which, to our surprise, turns out to be the Christmas Number of FUN. Modesty prevents us from saying it is the best Christmas number out, while a regard for veracity will not permit us to say it is not. Under these circumstances, we leave it to our readers to judge for themselves.

THE FENIAN GOVERNMENT.

THOSE (if any) of our readers who have not yet visited COLONEL JOHN O'MAHONY, the President of the Fenian Government at the Fenian Headquarters, in Moffat Mansion, Seventeenth-street, New York, can form no adequate idea of the magnitude and importance of the business transacted by that functionary every day of his life. The responsibility of the conquest of even such an insignificant island as England is a tolerably good load for one pair of shoulders to bear; and the enterprising Colonel is said to exhibit unmistakable traces of anxiety and over-work. A plaintiff in a mere "apple-sass" case may be pardoned if he exhibits some nervousness as to the result of his petty law-operations; and COLONEL O'MAHONY is but a mortal. It is quite true that England is but a mole on the face of the ocean-a sort of a wart-you-may-call-it-but moles are not easily eradicated, and they have an awkward way of springing up after they are, to all appearance, satisfactorily subdued, which is always embarrassing to the operator. The effect of anxiety and overwork is beginning to tell upon COLONEL O'MAHONY. He rambles in his speech, his knees knock together, he has acquired a nervous habit of running pins into his legs,

he has an unnatural passion for black beetles, and he wears a Wellington boot on his head; he dresses himself principally in boot-jacks and antimacassars, and he always walks about with one arm high in the air. Notwithstanding these distressing symptoms, he attends faithfully to his military and other duties, as the following leaf from his diary will show:

4 a.m.-Got up. Fine morning, but cold.

October 1, 1865.

4.5 a.m.-Presided at a Court Martial (officer present, COLONEL O'MAHONY), convened to try JEMIMA ATKINS, for neglect of duty in not sending up my shaving water hot. Prisoner reprimanded. Will be dismissed the service if the offence is repeated.

4.30 a.m.-Breakfast. Rations served out to the troops (GENERAL TEVIS and MR. KILLEAN), consisted of 6 ozs. of bloater, 1 oz. of butter, lb. bread (best seconds), -pint of coffee, per head. Investigated complaint from SECRETARY KILLEAN as to invariable hardness of roe in bloater served to that officer. Complaint dismissed as frivolous.

5 a.m.-Issued an order that the Fenian Government should parade in my dressing-room at 10, to consider propriety of effecting a ten per cent. loan of ten dollars from MR. SECRETARY KILLEAN.

5.30 a.m.-Investigated the principle of air-gun of novel construction submitted to me by inventor. The principle is simple. A cylinder of wood, six inches in length, is fitted with two cylindrical shot, one at each extremity. Pressure from without is applied to the base of one of the shot, and the consequent compression of the air within the cylinder expels the other shot with considerable force. Ordered six of these weapons for the use of my own bodyguard.

6 a.m.- -Wrote a letter to QUEEN VICTORIA advising her immediate resignation. I put it thus: If the Fenians invade England, murder will ensue-murder is a vice; virtue is better than vice-resignation is a virtue; ergo, it is better that QUEEN VICTORIA should resign than that the Fenians should invade England.

7 a.m.-Inspected the Fenian army in the back garden.

8 a.m.-Presided at Court-martial to try six general officers for leading their troops over my potato beds. Sentence deferred.

9 a.m.-This being my birthday I fired twenty-one pistols from the second floor front, in honour of the anniversary.

9.30 a.m.-Received deputation from influential neighbours threatening to indict me as a nuisance. Apologised to deputation, and promised not to do it again. Mem.: Next to strategic excellence, diplomacy is the talent that a Commander-in-Chief should most particularly cultivate.

10 a.m.-Meeting of Fenian Government, to consider propriety of effecting a ten per cent. loan of ten dollars from MR. SECRETARY KILLEAN. Present, COLONEL O'MAHONY and MR. SECRETARY KILLEAN. Proposal negatived: Ayes, 0: Noes, 1. Mem. Wish I had attended to SECRETARY KILLEAN's complaint about hard roe.

11 a.m.-Purchased a bayonet, a powder flask, a bugle, and a feather for my cocked hat. Paid with an order on the Bank of England for £10,000 at sixty days.

12 a.m.-Drew up code of laws for Fenian Government.
1 p.m.-Invited all my generals to dine with me at four.
2 p.m.-Postponed dinner to all my generals.

3 p.m.-Effected a loan of thirteen cents. from MR. SECRETARY KILLEAN, to be repaid on conquering England, with Britain's Regalia as bonus.

3.30 p.m.-Granted interview to PRIVATE O'SHAUGHNESSY. Showed me a loaded pistol of curious construction, explained its mechanism, and asked to be made a general officer. Commission as Major-General made out.

4 p.m.-The Fenian Government dined. Chops on batter pudding. Investigated complaint by SECRETARY KILLEAN as to alleged burntness of chop. Cook sentenced to be beheaded. Cook respited at request of SECRETARY KILLEAN.

4.30 p.m.-Grand Sham Fight in Moffat Mansion. Attacking party, my tailor, my bootmaker, and my butcher. Defending party, the front staircase. COLONEL O'MAHONY reconnoitred them as they COLONEL O'MAHONY. The enemy advanced in skirmishing order up approached, through keyhole. Enemy halted at top of staircase, and proposed a parley. Parley unsatisfactory. Enemy demanded a surrender. COLONEL O'MAHONY refused to surrender, and barricaded citadel. his door. Enemy rushed at door, broke down and entered the through back window on to scullery leads, and so into garden, where But in the meantime COLONEL O'MAHONY had escaped he intended to spend the night. Enemy eventually retired discomfited. Mem.: The next best thing to a good victory is a judicious retreat.

MEASURES NOT MONEY.

WE read in a contemporary that the "Abyssinian Captives' Liberation Fund amounts, at present, to £1,500." Yes! But what are the chances of freedom? The captives, no doubt, say, "Give us liberty and hang your liberality!"