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Nicholas On The Festive Season.
The Prophet begs to thank Mr. Editor for graciously inserting his little poetical card in reference to the Christmas party at Nicholas' own happy two pair back. A contented mind is a continual feast, and though he could only offer M. Jean Godin, which was the one gentleman of all your once-affable stall', that accepted tha invitation, a hermit's fare, as all will admit a piece of roast beef to consist of, on such an occasion, yet the party went off with great eclaw, one of Nicholas' own family having recognized me at last and took me up, and he being himself quite a merchant prinoe in tho general grocery and was once on the very brink of becoming; a churchwarden, may yet resume my position and cut a dash in civic society, such being based on a prouder pinnacle of commercial prosperity than the gilded saloonB of an effeminate aristocracy which was once hand and glove with the old man and only too eager to get on hdsBelections for coming events. He fell; Fortune, that fickle jade, deserted him; and of all who once put their legs under the Prophet's mahogany in Belgravia, from your own other contributors (than whom I am sure) down to peers of the realm, not one has found him out in his Bermondsey retreat. Ah, such is life, but luck may take a turn'—and if my cousin should continue to take me up, as I hope for the best, and the Derby selection turn out prophetically inspired, yon will all of you bo glad enough to rally around mo again, with your "Well, Mb, Nicholas, here's your good health, sir, in a glass of sherry wine." I know the world; I know it to be ns hollow as a race that is sold ;—but I bear no malicious rankerings in my bosom, and I wish you all a much happier New Year and many more of tiiem tham it is the Prophet's candid opinion you really deserve.
Nicholas At The Ealing Steeplechase.
Like the war-horse sniffing the battle from afar off, I warrant yon the old man wasn'tlong in pulling himself together, and taking his race-glass out of—well, out of where he'd previously put it for safety, when his cousin called on the Wednesday after Christmas, and offered to drive me down in his own trap, he being himself of»rather a sportive turn, and once drew the winner of tho Derby in a half-crown sweep. And when we did reach the course at Perry Vale, near Ealing, and the Prophet was seen in a private conveyance with a coat that looked as good as new, and liii nice-glass slung behind him, and the old goodhumoured smile on his familiar mug, and one of Britain's merchant princes sitting by his side, talking quite affable, and standing anything in reason that Nicholas liked to put a name to—why, sir, it was quite what is called an ovation. Inspired by the scene, the prophet bought a card, and with a silver pencil-case (almost the only articlo of jewellery surviving the wreck of his Belgravian prosperity) ho wrote down his selections, from which he will troublo your printers to make the following extracts, and put it just as it is wrote:—
FrvB Events; And Five Absolute Winners.
Well, sir, it got buzzed about, and many is the once supercilious sportive publican that came up to the old man and asked him why he never looked in at the bar-parlour of an evening; but the Prophet was not bora yesterday, being of a much older period, and is not to be had quite so easy by every time-serving Bung that thinks to come over his proverbial goed-nature and get on his blind side.
Luck has turned; I always knew it would; and I trust I shall know how to conduct myself in restored affluence when it comes to pass, at it will, as well as I did when the bitter blasts of pecuniary adversity had swept mo fromjjmy pinnaclo and blew derisively around my prophetic head. Nicholas.
I have a good thing for this year's Derby.
When Found Make A Note Ok It.
What notes compose the most favourite tunes ?—and how many tunes do they compose?
Bank-notes—they make for-tunes.
The person who made the welkin ring, writes to assure ns he made it expressly for " the twelfth finger of the left hand but one."
A CHRISTMAS APPEAL.
AN iNTERGBrTBD LETTER.
Ctrissimo mio, your lettor
Which reached me at Arlington Hall, Brought news that your poor throat was better;
But, darling, you didn't tell all I
The statement you made to your pet,
All out—and I never forget.
You say you've been shockingly idle,
And often played whist at the club, Your passion for play you should bridle,
And don't talk to me of " one rub." You say yon " cut in " just at random,
But if you must play have a care; And, Charley, do givo up your tandem,
It makes Uncle Ablinoton swear!
You say you've been flirting «<m» sauei,
My Chauley, with whom has it boen? I know that detestable Luor,
Who gives herself airs like a queen, Would flirt with you, dear, just to spite me,
And then write in triumph to tell; Ah! me, it would hugely delight mo,
To hear that you'd snubbed her right well!
You'll sneer, Chairlep, and say that I've been a
Great flirt, and should let you alone, But still you'll confess you've not seen a
False smile, ainco you called me your own: I flirted 'tis true: there are dozens
Of men who acknowledge my BWay,
And " potted" an ensign a day.
But, Charley, you know that's all over,
The conquests in which I took pride;
Is chained once for all to your side.
Last year—such a pleasant surprise—
For six-and-a-quartor's my size!
Then, pet, at this festival season,
Come down from those troublesome deeds, The governor will listen to reason!
Oh, hear how your little ono pleads. Come soon, here's the driest of shony,
Come down to your darling, your dear, Or, how can our Christmas be merry?
Or I have a " Happy New Year r"
Interesting' to Husbands.
Our friend, Jolliboy, who stops so late at his club, and finds Mus. J. invariably sitting up for him, is about to try the effect of Gale's non-explosive mixturo, as a preventive of a blowing up. As the mixturo is stated to be only powdered glass, he is going to erack a bottle or two extra at the club on tho night fixed on for the experiment.
Wb cut the following advertisement from the Daily Telegraph of the 28th December:—
■KTOR, and 8PAL. B.T.—If R. W. will SEND hia ADDRESS to J. W. W., at II. H. J-' C. Works, ho will RECEIVE a most important COMMUNICATION.
We are inclined to suspect, knowing the peculiarities of "authorgraphy" in which the Old Man indulges, that this is our esteemed contributor Nicholas advertising for information which may bo of use for that long promised work tho great history of Knurr and SpelL
BEEAD AND WATEE. By A TorsY Turvite. The French are an ingenious people, but it has only been recently discovered that they can make new bread out of a slight alteration of cold water. How? why I'eau fraiche is just the same as afresh loaf, isn't it?
THISTLE-WHIPPING-A LONG CHECK.
Master:—" Where Did They Steak To Iiee Last, Richard f"
Master:—" Then rrrcH Up A Stick, And We'll Come Back And Finish Her To-morrow Mornino."
PROM OUR STALL.
An intelligent public cannot expect any number of individuals— even though their pursuits he literary and dramatic—and their motives and conduct honest (if the two things bo compatible) to give anything like a sane, circumstantial account of the various pantomimes produced this Christmas. They—the pantomimes and would-be individuals—can only be enumerated; and the readers of Fun—or as it would be better expressed, the world at largo—must be left to go to the theatres, judge, and pay for themselves. For us, a dazzling Bort of patchwork and pyrotechnic display dances before our eyes, like the coloured globules that are the sure signs of optical delusion and an overflow of bile; and this multifarious myriad day-mare semetimcs takes the likeness of a white, foamy, and feathery-looking ballet-girl; sometimes of Mr. E. L. Blanchard, who melts into a many-headed and anxious-looking English Opera Company (Limited), which, without any aid from the baton of Harlequin, becomes Messrs. Grieve, who, in their turn, are transformed into huge masks, which explode into the likenesses of Mr. William Beverley, the Horses of the Sun, Mastbr Percy Roselle, red, green, blue, and white fires; several transformation scenes; Mr. E. L. Blanchard again; Bluebeard's headless wives all taking Doctor Marigold's Prescriptions; aturkey and sausages; several salmon; coloured sprites; the Payne family; the Laurie family; several other families; Mr, H. J. Byron; Lady Teazle as Miss Herbert; Brother Sothern, of the Mormon persuasion, as Mr. Sam; Mr. Woodin in his celebrated character of Mr. Arthur Sketchley; and Mrs. Brown in her wonderful impersonation of Mr. Sims Reeves' imitation of Mrs. Howard Paul.
We have only space to compliment and congratulate the directors of Drury Lane and Covent Garden on Little King Pippin and Aladdin, than which, &c. At Sadler's Wells the opening of the pantomime is from the Magnum Benum of Mr. Charles Millward. Its title is Cocka-Doodle-Doo, and it is capitally written, after the fashion of modern burlesque. The scenery, dresses, &c, &c. The title of the Christmas
piece at Astley's is in itself a marvel. It is called an entirely new original, grand, prochildrenical, hippo-dramatic, comic pantomime. We trust that the word " prochildrenical" is patented, or some unscrupulous manager—if such a monstrosity exist—knight be making uso of it at a rival establishment. Prochildrenical! Let the next pantomime be announced as E. T. Smitiiical. However, Harlequin Tom, Tom, tkt Piper's Son,ia another of those evidences of liberality and spirit which &c, &c, &c, &c, &c, &c.
"Le Roi est mort! Vive le Roi!" The Surrey Theatre is burnt down! Go to the Surrey Theatre! The building itself ,is a sight, and the decorations, fittings, and general arrangements as near perfection as can bo hoped for in this rather imperfect world. The pantomimeat the New Surrey is called King Chess, and the magnificent conception of the Oriental despot who converted tho marble floor of his palace into a chessboard, and his courtiers into kings, queens, bishops,* &c, can now be seen by tho humble Cockney who will walk gaily to the Surrey side, and pay;his moderate admission fee to the most boautifal theatre in London. In the pantomime itself the most dazzling coruscations of magnificent combinations, &c, *c, &c.
For a detailed description of the pantomimes we must refer our readers to the pages of the Times and the Daily Telegraph (two unpretending little daily journals which we are happy to bring before the notice of the public).
Thus far from our stall at Christmas; but there are burlesques and extravaganzas as well as pantomimes. "Pippins and cheese to come!" Not to mention the production of a trifling drama on the inconsiderable subject of the Bride of Lammermoor, a novel written by a Scottish gentleman whose writings some vears ago were somewhat popular. All in good time, dear public, for Wednesday comes only onco a week, and Fun is published only on that day, as you well know, when you wish it were next Wednesday, that you might roar and revel over the next number too.
* We doubt the buhops at the Oriental court.
MRS. BROWN HAS A DOG BROUGHT HOMS.
I Always did say, and them will bo my words to my dyin' days, as animals is all very well in their places, and as to Brown* a-sayin' as it don't take much for to keep a dog, why it's downright foolishness, and don't stand to reason, though certainly you wouldn't give to a infant what you gives a dog, yet it costs money, as evorythin' does as is money's worth, as the sayin' ia.
When I see Brown come up to the door a-leadin' of that big dog, as I took for a calf, it give mo quite a turn. You never see such a awkward, knock-kneed, all-ovor-the-place animal, as didn't seem to have no command over hisself no ways, and by his footprints up them doorsteps you'd a-thought as he'd got fifty legs, that you would, liko the alligator out of the woods.
I says, " 'liza Jane, don't open the front door for all his knockin'. I will not have that beast a-bosmearin' my passage with his paws as is capable of knockin' any one down if jumped on sudden." As well I remembers poor Mus. Jacobs in Great Prescott-street, as was in wholesale glass and China lino, with things that lovely a-comin' constant from over thero in wooden cases with paper shavins as safeguards agin breakin', and always unpacked them in the fore court, as I've stood myself a-lookin' at, and I'm sure that dog was her death, though bite her he did not, through her jumpin' on the crate for to save herself, as, turnin' up sudden, pitched her into the airey, and never spoke agin.
So I don't hold with thorn large-sized dogs, as can reach up to the table with only their heads, and lick the cold meat if he hadn't time to collar the lot, as I soe him try to do with my own eyes as Brown was a-leadin' him through for to tie him up by the water-butt.
So I says to Brown, " Whatever are you a-goin' to do with him." Ho says, " I've only got him for a few days." But, bloss you, I see as ho was a-kiddin', as the sayin' is, and a-comin' the artful to see how I took it. So I says," If it's only for a few days it don't matter; but," I says, "live in the house with him I never can."
Bless you, he was down my throat in a minute, a-saying as I'd better stop till I was asked, and that some dogs was much more pleasantcr than many as called thoirselves Christians. I was natural hurt at them remarks, but didn't say nothin' more till I see Brown a-fidgettin' about after supper.
So I says, "If it's that everlastin' dog as you're a-grizzlin' over, make your mind easy, for Liza's give him all the bits, with a bowl of water and a lump of brimstone in, for fear as he should go mad and break his chain, and she's got some straw, and a bit of old stair-caqjet for to make him a bed, as is a kind-hearted gal, and seemed to take to the brute, as nearly throwod her down, with his head a-towerin' over her'n, with his paws on her shoulder.
Bless you, Brown, he couldn't rest till he'd gono ont with a light for to see as the creature was all right, as in my opinion was the cause of his goin' on as he did, for animals is very like children, if you wakes 'em up when first off, it's hours afore you'll get 'em to sleep agin, and so I told Bhown when he como up to bed. For I heard that brute a-givin' in to whines and short barks, as I know'd meant as ho was a-tunin' up, as the sayin' is.
Brown is ono of them heavy ileepors as nothin' hardly won't rouse, and off like a churoh the minuto as he's in bed.
I was a-droppin' off gentle like when I heard that dog a-makin' a saw in' sort of noise, as though he was a-gratin' of his chain, then I heard him give a short bark and then a lot of whines, and was just off when I started out of my skin, for he give a howl as sounded through the place agin.
A nice game he kep' up till I was pretty nigh mad. As to wakin' Brown I might as well a-tried to wake the oemetry, for he only says, "Bother the dog," and off in a minute.
"Well," I says, "bear this I can't." So I goes to the staircase winder and opens it, as let in a chilly air, though I had got my thick cloak on and my head tied up. I didn't know the beast's name so colls him "good dog;" but the momont as I spoke he flies out like a roarin' lion, and barked that furious, a-dashin' about like mad.
Well, I was that put out and thinks to myself as pr'aps a jug of cold water over him might quiet him down. So I gets tho large stone pitcher, as is always kep' full a-standin' on the landin', and puts the candle Oh the winder-sell, and just as I'd got the pitcher to the winder if the candle wasn't blowed out, but I thought as I could aim at that barkin' brute, as was tied up just under the winder.
Well, I gets the jug np on the winder ledge, and was just a-givin' it a turn when it give a slip, and out it went, and must have ketched on the corner of tho water-butt. I heard it smash with a crash as was distracting, and I hears some one cry out, "Murder! help! thieves! fire!" and I see a policeman's bull's-eye a-gleamin' and hears arattle.
So I shets the window quick, and goes back to bed all in the dark a-listenin'. But soon there come a-hammerin' at the back-door as obligated me for to go down, and if there wasn't two police as says to me, " If you keeps wild beasts you did ought for to have 'cm
I says, "Who are you a-callin' wild beasts?" Says they, "Your dog, as has roused the neighbourhood, as have sent to the stationhouse, and tho party next door is pretty nigh drownded, and might have been killed with a stone pitcher a-failin' on his head, as a nightcap ain't no protection agin."
I says, "Hang the dog! for what I cares I wish ho was at Jericho." "Well," he says, "ho may bo by this time, for he's broko his chain and bolted."
Then I Bays, " Why ever did you disturb me?" "'Cos," ho says, "wo thought as there was thieves, as the old gentleman next door hollared out."
And if it wasn't poor old Mr. Brettle next door as had como out of his warm bed for to try and pacify that dog as I'd been and soused through and through with cold water, as is a asthmatic party already. If the stone pitcher hadn't broke its fall agin the water-butt it must havo beon certain death to him.
Well, I told tho policemen for to look round in tho mornin', and gets to bed agin. In the mornin', when Brown drawed up the blind for to shave, I hear him say, " Hero's a pretty go," and never did you soe such work as that dog had made, why, if he hadn't been and dug a hole big enough for to bury hisself in, and that undermined the water-butt, as it was all sunk a-one-side. So Brown says, "Where's the dog?"
I says, "Thank goodness, gone." "Gone!" says he. "Why he's worth ten guineas. I've bought him for a gentleman as asked me to keep him for a day or two."
"What!" I says, "you've paid the money for him." "Yes," says he. "We're ruined!" says I.
I couldn't rest, for as soon as over breakfast was over I was out at the police station, but there didn't seem no chance of findin' the dog. I was put out, and went home with a heavy heart, offerin' of a half-asovereign to any one as would bring him. I wish I'd a-said five
shilhn's, for a boy brought him about three o'clock, as I do believo was only sent by them police as know'd where he was all the time.
Well, we fed him and coaxed him, 'liza Jane and me, and let him go about where he liked, for I was afraid to let him go into the garden.
Well, at last ho took a fancy for to lay on tho mat in the passage just as I'd gone up stairs for to tidy myself up for tea. When I come down it was nearly dusk, and if that dog didn't growl that frightful at me as I couldn't come down stairs nor 'liza Jane come up all the evenin', and we was prisoners till just on eight, when Brown come in as soon settled my gentleman, and sent him round to the public-house stables, as is his fit place.
As to poor Mr. Brettle I hadn't the courage to face him; but when I did he hadn't no idea as I'd throw"d the pitcher, but thought as it had fell accidental, as the sayin' is.
The money it cost for to set that water-butt right, and tidy up the garden after that dog was a little fortune, and I don't believe as ever I Brown got all the money back as he'd paid for the dog, but he took caro for to keep that dark, and if ever ho said a word about anythin', I was always ready with askin' why he didn't bring home I another dog?
TO A LITTLE MAID.
I'll harm thee not!
List to me, while I tell
0 little maid!
Within its shade?
Come with me, little maid,
1 love to sing;
Thou elfin thing,