MRS. BROWN AND THE EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH.

["L'EMPEREUR NAPOLEON, sur les témoignages avantageux qui lui ont été rendus de la moralité de MME. BROWN, ainsi de la reputation distinguée qu'il s'est acquise dans sa profession désirant lui donner une marque particulière de sa bienveillance et de sa protection, nous a ordonné de lui accorder le titre de Fournisseur de l'Imperatrice." We were highly gratified, as we are sure our readers will be, by having the above announcement forwarded to us; but on applying to MRS. BROWN for confirmation of the statement, have been favoured with the following reply :-]

Me appointed to the EMPEROR's household? I'm sure I never shall forget the turn young SIMMONS gave me when he came in with that paper as he'd been and copied out of a winder thro' being in a west-end house, tho' livin' at home with his mother, as steady a woman as ever trod shoe-leather, tho' rather took up too much with them Methodists for me, and a good son he is I must say, tho' fond of his joke, and a-seein' a deal of life as is quite different at the westend, with their clubs and balls and other gimcracks, as must want somethin' to do bad to give into such things. Well, when he comes in he says, “Your fortune's made, MRS. BROWN, tho' I don't know as BROWN will like it," I seemed quite took a-back, as the sayin' is. So I says, "Whatever do you mean?" "Oh!" he says, "it's all wrote out and signed reg'lar, and I see it in a window myself, and here's the copy, as our head man has been and told me the English on." I says, "Whatever are you a-jaggerin' about?" "Oh!" he says, "he's been and made you his fournisseur." "His what?" says I. "Why, his fournisseur," says he, "as is printed plain."

"What are you a-runnin' on at?" I says. dared for to tamper with my name?" He says, NAPOLEON."

"Who's been and "The EMPEROR

"Who?" I. says "The EMPEROR," says he. "CHARLES SIMMONS," says I," whatever do you mean?" "Why," he says, "there you are a-figgerin' in a window of a bonnet shop in Bond-street as the EMPEROR'S fournisseur."

You might a-knocked me backwards; as it was I dropped in a chair like any one took silly, and if it hadn't been as the bottle was on the table, as MRS. CHALLIN had brought in, as not hardly knowing what I did I put to my lips, I do think as convulsions would have set in. When I got on my glasses and looked at the paper, it wasn't nothing but a lot of French gibberish. So I says, "CHARLEY," I says, "whatever does it mean?" "Why," he says, "our head man has made it out for to mean as the EMPEROR havin' heard speak of the morality of MRS. BROWN, and a-wishin' for to give her a mark of his esteem, and desiring for to take her under his protection, has

ordered her to be made his fournisseur."

herself."

"But," I says, "whatever is a fournisseur?" He says, “As our head man didn't know; but it was something like the EMPRESS I says, "I never did. What insults to be sure, the willin! I've heard tell of his morality, and a nice one he is. Take me under his protection indeed! I never did! I thought as he stared very hard at me that time as he very near run over me thro' comin' between his pheaton and a omnibus, not as I think much on him nor the EMPRESS neither. Why, they wasn't much better than myself a few years ago, for I've heard them say as saw it, that the mob broke into the Pallis, and throwed the Royal family and all the furniture out of the window in heaps in the courtyard, and the destruction was awful. It's lucky as they didn't cut their heads off as they did the ones afore them, as it's disgraceful to hear about, and whatever them police and soldiers could be a-doin' to stand by and allow such goin's-on, as never is at their posts when they should be. So it ain't a place as ever I should care to be in permanent, as you never know when you go to bed to-night if you mayn't get up with a riverlution a-runnin' thro' the streets in the mornin'; as I'm told they barricadoed even to the busses, as must be easy done when you see how three will block up the way; and innocent parties goin' out on a errand, and never come home thro' bein' shot down like dogs, him a-givin' the order, as the poor old lady, as is a consurgery close by, where we was a-stoppin', had a son, as fine a young man as was in the Blues, and found his body a-welterin' in the sun, as the sayin' is, and never been right in her mind since, and when hearin' of a drum will scream, and the only thing as pacifies her is hot charcoal to the feet and knittin'-needles, as distracts the mind, as it will be sure to come home to him, a ugly wretch to look at, tho' it was as much as ever I could do for to keep BROWN under for abuse agin the lot, as he says one is as bad as the other of them as has power, as may be true, not as ever I'll believe as the LORD MAYOR, as I've seen myself a-settin' in his chains, would ever order any one to fire down Cheapside on unoffendin' passers-by, for whoever would be safe; but them foreign parts don't seem safe to me, for the people's got such squallin' ways,

and up in a moment over a game of cards. But certainly to iron and get up fine things they are wonderful, not as I'm bad myself, but somehow the things smells stifley thro' the charcoal, as is a thing as would soon finish me, as it did them two young couple as lived near where we was, as picked up a livin' with a 'arp and wiolin a-singin' at them coffees; and bitter weather it was when they did it, and she a-shiverin' with hardly a shoe to her foot and a wretched old gown with no bonnet on, as made my heart bleed a-seein' them pass by, and would have give 'em a cup of soup with pleasure, tho' not a-knowin' the language, and didn't like to stop 'em, and that poor girl, BROWN's niece, as bad as she could be, I was forced to stop and nurse, and when I heard say as them poor creatures had been and stifled theirselves thro' a-stopping every crevice with burnin' charcoal, I thought I should have dropped, as must have been drove to desperation thro' hunger bein' a sharp thorn, and if ever I see a angel it was that young gal with the large floppety white bonnet on her head, as come and took the little child as they left down along with the porter, thro' not havin' the heart to stifle it, and no wonder, for it was a beauty, and when that Sir de Charity, as they calls her, come for it, if she wasn't English.

So I says, "My dear, whatever are you a-doin' here away from "As she was your friends in this outlandish place?" But she says, as happy as the day was long.' And so she looked; but I couldn't help havin' a good cry for to think of her; but, law bless you, I'm told that them sirs is everywhere a-nussin' in the hospitals and on the battle-fields, and gets nothin' for it but the blessings, as they well deserves.

But them French is so singler in their ways, for they're up to every game as you can think on, but, bless you, as sharp as needles, as I soon found out, and certainly very polite, tho' I have heerd say as a good deal of that is gone out along with the men a-kissin' and a-huggin' whenever they met.

But certainly the soldiers is wonderful all over the place, and some on them heathen Turks as wild as alligators, not as ever I felt at all afraid on 'em, for they seemed uncommon cheerful, tho' given to be boisterous; but as to their doin's it's wonderful, a-goin' anywheres and everywheres just as that EMPEROR orders, only I shouldn't advise 'em to come any of their nonsense in London, as is easy reached by train, for I'm sure we shouldn't like their ways, as considers our own soldiers a downright nuisance, as they always was when I lived near them barracks in the Regency Park, where the fights was a downright disgrace of a Sunday night, as I've seen myself stripped to the skins, and all run away like mad from a single policeman, not as them French seemed to quarrel much, as is fond of their dancin' and rubbish of a Sunday evenin', as I says it's better anyhow than fightin' and stabbin' with them baggynets, as 'appened in a publichouse in Kentish Town, thro' the young gal a-refusin' to draw them any more beer, and was disarmed in consequence, as is very proper iu my opinion.

put me down on his household, it must be thro' that MR. SCRATCHLEY'S But all I've got to say is that if the EMPEROR have been and rubbish a-goin' on about me, as I should say there must be a law for to make me that notorious, and if BROWN had been half a man agin, or whoever can be safe in their beds, not as ever I wanted him he'd a stopped him long ago. But if they think as ever they'll get me to turn French they're mistaken, for, law bless you, I can't speak a word on it, as is the most tongue-tryingest rubbish, what I calls a reg'lar jargon, as the sayin' is, and swear in it frightful, as they do, tho' not much harm, as there ain't no meanin' in it.

So when I was got home I says to BROWN that very night, I says, "If they was to crown me to-morrow, I wouldn't go and live there. Why," I says, "they haven't got such a feather-bed as this not in all Paris, and tho' I must own as them mattrasses is very comfortable, nothin' suits my bones like a feather-bed, as I've been a-layin' on this forty year, as was my dear mother's, and has had two new ticks with the feathers baked and added to; and if there is a thing as brings me round it's a pint of fresh-drawed porter, as I owes my life to, and a good bit of wholesome meat is worth all their messes; and I'm sure the dish-wash as they calls soup is wonderful to think on, and they ain't no figgers to speak on with complexions like washedout calico. So," I says, "give me Old England arter all; for," I says, "you may go further and fare worse, as the sayin' is." But, bless you, BROWN was a-snorin', and so a-feelin' thankful as I was in my own bed agin safe and sound, I soon dropt off.

LITERATURE.

In the Press, and shortly will be published.

Pinnock's Dogmatisms, by the author of Pinnock's Catechisms.
Less-of-Me and Sillies, by the author of Sesame and Lilies.

The Seizer of Life, by the author of The Life of Caesar, with a few words about the coup d'état.

STANZAS TO AN INTOXICATED FLY.

Ir's a singular fact that, whenever I order
My goblet of GUINNESS or bumper of Bass,
Out of ten or a dozen that sport round the border
Some fly turns a summersault into my glass.

Oh! it's not that I grudge him the liquor he's tasted
(Supposing him partial to bitter or stout),
But consider the time irretrievably wasted
In trying to fish the small animal out!

Ah! believe me, fond fly, 'tis excessively sinful,
This habit which knocks even bluebottles up;
Just remember what CASSIO, on getting a skinful,
Observed about "ev'ry inordinate cup!'

Reflect on that proverb, diminutive being,

Which tells us "Enough is as good as a feast;"

And, mark me, there's nothing more painful than seeing
An insect behaving so much like a beast.

Nay, in vain would you seek to escape while I'm talking,
And shake from your pinions the fast-clinging drops,

It is only too clear, from your efforts at walking,

That after your malt you intend to take hops.

Pray, where is your home? and oh! how shall you get there?
And what will your wife and your family think?

Pray, how shall you venture to shew the whole set there
That PATERFAMILIAS is given to drink?

Oh, think of the moment when Conscience returning
Shall put the brief pleasures of Bacchus to flight;

When the tongue shall be parch'd and the brow shall be burning
And most of to-morrow shall taste of to-night!

For the toast shall be hard, and the tea shall be bitter,

And all through your breakfast, this thought shall intrude; That a little pale brandy and Seltzer is fitter

For such an occasion than animal food.

I have known, silly fly, the delight beyond measure—-
The blissful sensation, prolonged and intense-

The rapturous, wild, and ineffable pleasure,

Of drinking at somebody else's expense.

But I own-and it's not without pride that I own it--
Whenever some friend in his generous way
Bids me drink without paying, I simply postpone it,
And pay for it amply the following day!

AUTOMATICA.

TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."

SIR,-You may have read in the Times of the 2nd instant, the following account of the mechanical contrivances invented by MR. APPOLD, and applied to practical uses in his own house.

"The doors opened as you approached them, and closed after you had entered; water came unbidden into the basins; when the gas was lighted the shutters closed; a self-acting thermometer prevented the temperature rising or falling above or below certain fixed points; and the air supplied for ventilation was both washed to cool and screened to cleanse it from blacks. Even the gates of his stableyard opened of themselves as he drove through, and closed again without slamming." Stimulated by his example, I intend to set to work to invent the following arrangements for my own domestic use:

1. A fire that will go out every night and return punctually by nine the next morning.

2. A kettle that will boil with rage whenever I am insulted.

3. A paying-out machine for the especial benefit of dunning creditors.

4. A clock that is always running itself down.

5. A gold hunter that will "ware wheat."

6. A hair-trigger which will do its own hair.

7. A hat that will take itself off, goodness only knows where. More of this when my inventions are perfected. In the meantime,

I am yours,

R. CHIMEDES.

The Last New Thing in Hats. AN impecunious friend of ours says he wants a new hat "like old boots." We have heard of an animal that had a foot like a warming pan, and a body like the keel of a ship, but a chapeau resembling an antiquated pair of Wellingtons is scarcely to be imagined.

POOR FELLOW!

AN acquaintance who has been eating and drinking anyhow for some years, is reduced to such a state that the coats of his stomach are all out at the elbows.

RAILWAY LIBRARY TERMINI.

ONE of the secrets of successful novel-writing consists in leaving the fate of the hero and heroine of the story unravelled. This possesses a double advantage. It saves trouble, and enables each reader to wind up the narrative according to his or her individual fancy. For the convenience of future novelists, we subjoin a few terminations that want writing up to:

1.

EVELINA and I stood at the edge of the moon-silvered lake, and silently gazed into its deep intensity. And as we gazed, we two, we pondered on What Had Been, What Was, and What Was to Come. The Events of the Past were painted vividly on the tablets of our memory. The Present was then and there before us, but the Future! Ah, which of us could unravel it?

Did I marry the Lady EVELINA, or did the fearsome burden of her hideous crime force her untimely into an uncongenial sepulchre ? Perhaps.

THE END. 2.

I suppose it's not necessary to tell you how it all ended after ToM and MARY parted, uncertain if they should ever meet again. Did brave, honest-hearted Toм return from the far East, and if he did, would the fact of his having buried both his legs under the Russian turf disgust MARY with her old, old love?

Or did MARY marry HERBERT-the true, the loving, and the patient? THE END. 3.

And CLARIBEL, with her lovers, one on each arm and one walking behind her, went forth into the moonlight. All four were pensive. CLARIBEL because she knew not which of the three she should choose, the three because none knew which of them would be chosen.

FINIS. 4.

Yet another picture, and I have done. CONSTANTINA in the gloomy cell of the convent on the Rock. A gloomy, gloomy cell, illumined by a flickering taper, and furnished with but a single rough-hewn stool. Clad in the coarse grey serge of the sisterhood, she bent over a volume of priestly lore. And as the solemn bell rung forth the hour of midnight mass, she closed the book, and putting it in a recess in the wall, she joined the saintly throng in the convent chapel. Had the murderess repented? Who shall say?

THE END.

Answers to Correspondents.

ANON sends us some verses, and requires, like his namesake in SHAKESPEARE's Henry the Fourth-Anon-an onser as to the fate of his lines. He adds, "if occasional contributions from your correspondent would be acceptable, notify the same in your next.' They will be acceptable-anon, which means by and by, which means not just directly. J. L. should not attempt imitations of ballads which he himself speaks of as inimitable. Besides his muse halts instead of tripping light-foot. JUVENIS.-We know the original of your "original sketch" very

well.

PIFFLES.-If your happiness depends upon it you may tell the girl of your heart that the first celery cried in the streets is a head that is bawled early. But if she doesn't laugh, don't you cry.

MEDICO. You are right. TUPPER's tragedy would have been like a blister, for in spite of the irritation it would cause it would have drawn well for one night.

A NOUS-KEEPER.-Your butcher had no business to call you an old cockney for leaving off beef, though you did drop your aitch (bone). ANGELINA tells us she is "just married' (we are glad she just managed it; it must have been a near shave), and wants a few household receipts to begin housekeeping. As beef is not certain she had better pot a few geraniums instead. They will be nice with bread and butter for lunch. In making pies, she should remember that flattery is never thrown away, and butter the dish, or they may not turn out well. When she happens to forget to order in any dinner she had better roast her husband till he looks done quite brown. In order to see whether sausages are made of pork or of kittens, get a string, tie a wisp of paper to the end, and drag it about near the sausage. If the sausage runs after it it is not fit to eat. If it does not, it may or may not be, according to circumstances.

T. J., M. L., A FRIEND, F. S., A CONSTANT SUBSCRIBER, M. F. T., etc., etc., will see that in accordance with their request, "Buoyed with Hope" has been printed separately on toned paper, and may be obtained at the office.