dine sometimes at one's hotel. And why not? Is not the table d'hôte excellent? Is not the cloth snowy, are not the napkins white, the soups good, the fish, entrées, and sweetmeats delicious? Is not the salad a divine something worth travelling to taste? Does not even the recollection of that admirable mixture linger on the tongue, like sweet music in the ear, and tempt us to fly madly to the Victoria Station, and take a ticket for Paris vid the London, Chatham, and Dover ;-but there is one objection to the table d'hôte. ORACLE the MISSES and MASTERS ORACLE at our own serviceand at nobody else's. Now look at the English here, above represented by your special artist (and, by the way, a word about that artist in some future number). Here is a man of fifty, whose face is something like a rabbit's and something like that of MR. ROBERT ROMER, of the Royal Adelphi Theatre. He dresses at His late ROYAL HIGHNESS the PRINCE REGENT, and looks like Mr. TURVEYDROP run to seed. He talks continually, and laughs perpetually, that he may show two large buck teeth. He is dying to know who your Special Commissioner is. Your Special Commissioner makes him all sorts of evasive answers. Your S. C. does not feel the least curiosity as to who or what MR. TURVEYDROP may be. Why should he? Next to TURVEYDROP is an old lady about seventy, whose face is plastered white and red like a clown's; her eyebrows are painted black, and so are the places where her eyelashes used to grow. She is a terrible sight. All the natives are regarding her with wonder. Is she English? Alas, yes; and your S. C. hides his patriotic shame in his tumbler. We fancy we hear the millions who speak the English language, on the tiptoe of expectation, asking, "What, you dear Mr. Special Commissioner, you lively, amusing, brilliant, restless, exhaustive, stereo--is an elderly man without an atom of hair upon his head. He is scopic observer-what is that objection ?" 66 On the other side of the painted old person-who is hideously talkative as gay and débonnair as he is bald. I should relish his anecdotes the more if he had not lost all his teeth, and if he would keep quite silent. There are three English opposite-man, wife, and daughter-a charming child of 12. This man is solemn and priggish, and the Woman fantastical and prim. They are all showing off at the same time that they are pretending to be perfectly spontaneous and Millions," I answer, "that objection is-the English!!!". Certainly, as a rule, English agreeability cannot be warranted to keep in any climate. It gets vexed and worried by the voyage from Calais to Dover. It is like Lacrymæ Christi, so indigenous to its own soil, that it is spoiled by travel. Honest Britons, and amiable Britonesses, become pretentious on the continong. They lose their fear of MRS. GRUNDY, and feel that the eyes of over the way are no longer upon them. They can swagger, and there is no JoNEs to laugh, no MRS. JONES to sneer. They are useful persons those JONESES, by whom, of dine, too, does Madame-and Monsieur who dines, and Mademoiselle course, I mean to typify public opinion, in my light, brisk, clever way. who dines. Not a plat passes them untasted; but then the French Frenchmen scowl fearfully over the table-cloth. They are are so much more temperate than we are;" to which your Special ogglesome race, slow over their soup, and savage with their tooth-Commissioner says, "Are they?" an picks. As a rule, French ladies do not eat with the same dainty grace as our country women-and a moustache is an unpleasant supplement to the mouth of a dark dame. Still they do not bore you as do those natural. The rest are French. There is Madame who dines-and she does NOTICE.-" Fun," tous le Mercredis, chez MESSES. W. S. KIRKLAND estimable English, who will lead the conversation, and talk their little BT CIB, Rue de Richelieu, No. 27, Paris. tattle in a loud voice, as who should say: we are SIR ORACLE and LADY "Gone from the Helm," on TONED PAPER, price Twopence. London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phonix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-February 10, 1866, TOWN TALK. BY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY. F course the world to-day is fully occupied with devotions at the shrine of St. Valentine, being blown about like a bubble by Dan Cupid. Nevertheless I shall do my duty as Saunterer in Ordinary, and review the events of the week. First of all, there is the opening of Parliament by HER MAJESTY in person. It is funny to observe that while everybody is sneering at BRIGHT for objecting to court-dress, the QUEEN's refusal to wear her robes, though, as the Times observes, she did not mind setting on them, seems rather in favour of that gentleman's views. The sparring began early on the answer to the speech. In the Lords, LORD NORMANBY moved, and LORD MORLEY seconded, the address, neither of their speeches being very striking. After them came a lot of little lords, chiefly enlarging on the supineness of Government about the Cattle Plague. EARL GREY was one of them, and said, "want of judgment and want of vigour was their only fault;" from which I conclude that want of grammar were his. THE DUKE OF ARGYLL earned the blessings of Government by coming up to the scratch on their behalf, but was followed by LORD DERBY, who spoke well about Jamaica, and humorously about the Reform Bill. But when he quoted a member of the other house "who not long since spoke with great courtesy of expression of our dirty and unhallowed fingers'; ' I fear his lordship forgot the sort of language MR. FERRAND is in the habit of using about his opponents. LORD RUSSELL wound up the debate with some remarks which he appears to have thought were not i worth hearing. IN the Commons, LORD CAVENDISH and MR. GRAHAM were mover and seconder, and did their work fairly. Here, also, the Cattle Plague was the prominent subject; and LORD BOB MONTAGUE took an early opportunity of showing his intelligence. Government found more defenders in the Lower House. The adjournment of the debate was moved by MR. O'DONOGHUE, erroneously styled "The O'D.," who probably has something new to remark about Irish bulls. Jamaica and Reform were also touched on here. Apropos of Reform, I have had forwarded te me a curious extract from a drama of DOUGLAS JERROLD's, Midnight at Madame Tussaud's. MARMOSET, the manager, is supposed to be conversing with the wax figure of LORD J. R. (a celebrated Reformer of that day). Here is the passage: "LORD J.-By the way, MARMOSET, will you do me a great favour? "M.-Is it to get up Don Carlos? I'm very sorry but my leading tragedian is at present in Horsemonger-lane, and "LORD J.-No, no, the favour I solicit is "M.-To dramatise the Reform Bill? It will be long for a play, but if yourself or any of your friends can manage to reduce it to a farce--" From the promise held out in the QUEEN'S Speech, I am inclined to think MR. MARMOSET might play the people in with the piece this season. THE Dudley Gallery has a capital show of pictures this year. A special private view for the press was given on the Friday-an admirable arrangement; but even then a few ladies were smuggled in, and rather disturbed the critical serenity by their usual remarks, "La! isn't that like MRS. JONES ?" and "Oh, what a lovely blue!" and "Dear me, isn't that like the place we were at last autumn ?" remarks which are very charming, but not calculated to promote a calm contemplation of art. And really the critie needs merciful consideration with so large a collection to go through. There are, in fact, too many pictures, and I believe it would have been better to shut out two hundred more than have been excluded. CALDERON, LAMONT, and PINWELL exhibit good work; and among the landscape painters are GOODWIN, DITCHFIELD, MOORE, MAWLEY, and A. SEVERN. MR. SIMEON SOLOMON and a few others show traces of a servile following of MR. JONES, apropos of whom I must tell a funny story. At the Old Water Colour I saw an old gentleman gazing with wonder and disgust at one of that artist's pictures. "Who's that?" he asked of his daughter, who stood by with the catalogue. "BURNE JONES," she replied. "I wish they would!" said paterfamilias, with emphasis. And if the disease is to spread as it is doing, one will feel almost inclined to echo him. THERE has been a change of proprietorship in some of the magazines of late. Temple Bar becomes the property of MR. BENTLEY, but will continue to be edited by MR. EDMUND YATES-it is one of the best shillingsworths. An attempt is to be made to raise the Sixpenny to a better position, but I fear it will be a hard struggle. The Cornhill this month opens with a bad imitation of MILLAIS-the artist can do better things, and should not copy the style of others to please any one. MR. THOMAS's illustrations this month are the best he has done. London Society is better than usual; the Argosy not worse, and the Shilling much as it was. I HAVE received a little book entitled Systematic Memory. The plan is very ingenious, but as it starts at the outset by requiring you to learn a complicated table with a scheme belonging to it, I can't help thinking it would be easier to learn what you wish to learn without this involved machinery. It would appear to be easier to remember 832 as a number than to burden one's brains with a rigmarole about a ray of light coming in by a chimney." When I went in for my "Law and Modern History," at Oxford, I learnt the dates of the Kings of England by a similar memoria technica, and got off by heart a rhyme about "Will Consau, Hethdas," etc., which I remember to this day, but having unfortunately forgotten the key, can't get at my dates after all! I HAVE had my Valentine! An elegantly scented one from RIMMEL, with a really artistic design of a fairy clad in a flower-the green calix being the body of the dress and the petals forming the skirt. The Fourteenth of February. PAST AND PRESENT. IN the days I was young and was gushing, No longer give utt'rance to rhymes! My breakfast I'm fain to delay, Though sylph-like no longer, but stout; The billet I open-between us Suggests in a practical way That not only in high Courts of VENUS Advertisement. DE RAPERY WANTED-by several ladies now moving in the most fashionable circles, but entirely dependent on the scanty allowanees doled out to them by their French modistes. Address, EVE, No. 3000, Belgrave Square. LADY I.-Though I am the wife of a mere country mumble, yet I am the daughter of an Earl. Mumble, mumble, mumble. My husband is wealthy and mumble, and I love him mumbly; but I am jealous of him. I fear he loves Barbara Hare. Mumble. LADY I.-Mumble. The daughter of ax Earl- [Puts on two great coats, some comforters, goloshes, poor man's friend, a flannel waistcoat, a hot-water bottle, and a respirator. Then exit. LADY I.-He is gone! Enter EARL MOUNT SEVERN, her Huncle. EARL M. S.-Oi am yer huncle. Whoi have yer thuss disghrached yer farmily? LADY I.-Are ye come to tarnt me? Remember I am the daughter of an Earl! EARL MT. S.-Nay. [They fondle. hondred a year! LADY I.-'Tis well. Carlyle, whither away? Where are you MR. C-I cannot tell. It is a business secret. [Exit, to meet BARBARA, for some unexplained reason, in yonder forest at midnight. LADY L. (explaining to audience). It is nothing. He usually mumbles his clients for some unexplained mumble in yonder mumble at midnight. Mumble. Enter CAPTAIN LEVISON. CAPT. L.-Lady Isabel, fly with me! LADY I.-No. "Twere wrong. More than that, 'twere mumble. CAPT. L.-Nay. Your husband is keeping an appointment with Barbara Hare, for some unexplained cause in yonder forest at midnight. LADY I.-Ha! But I will not believe it. He uses yonder forest as his professional consulting room. CAPT. L.-But see; here is a sixpenny telescope of extraordinary powers. It is achromatic, with two eye-pieces, portable metal, tripod with jointed claw feet, will distinguish Venus's belts and Saturn's moons, the features of a person at fifty miles, and the time by a church clock in the next hemisphere. LADY I. (looking through telescope).-Ha! It is too true! Then I will fly with you! But first let me write a letter to my husband. (Writes.) "I am running away with Captain Levison. He does not meet his mumbles, for unexplained mumbles, in yonder mumble at [Exeunt LADY ISABEL and CAPTAIN LEVISON mumble." CAPT. L.-Nay, say not so! no mumbler! Oi am coom to give ye a cheque for fower [Gives her a cheque for fower hondred a year. [Exit EARL MOUNT SEVERN. ACT III. SCENE 1.-Drawing-room in East Lynne. MR. C.-No, don't. Where is the new governess, Madame Vine? "Her name is Isabella, with a gingham umberella, SCENE 2.-William's bedroom. WILLIAM discovered in bed, dying, and LADY I.-My mumble! [Clutches at the dying child. Enter ATTACHED DOMESTIC. ACT IV.-Lady Isabel's bedroom. LADY ISABEL and ATTACHED LADY I.-I am dying. ATT. DOм.-Nay, say not so. LADY I.-Send for my Mumble. ATT. DOм.-I will. But he will be surprised to find that the new governess is only his old wife in disguise. [Exit ATTACHED DOMESTIC. LADY I.-Oh, I am mumbling, I am mumbling! Enter MR. CARLYLE. MR. C.-Madame Vine! LADY C.-I am Isabel! MR. C.-Isabel? But you are dead. MR. C.-But I say yes. LADY I.-No. MR. C.-Oh! The rumour was unfounded. CURTAIN. This is getting awkward. The family arrangements are LADY I.-Mumble, mumble, mumble. The daughter of an Earl is becoming so extremely complicated, that I think I had better come CAPT L.-Then we are enemies! • Fact. |