Although they're nothing but Dutch metal); Among their curls is gold dust spilt,

In golden nets and combs they're flaunting;

Alas, where there is so much gilt

We scarce dare hope that crime is wanting:

WAY.

A NEWSPAPER "OF THE PERIOD." WE presume there are very few of our readers who are in the habit of seeing The Spiritual Times. Indeed the mere fact of their being such sensible fellows as to peruse their FUN with regularity ought to be in itself a sufficient guarantee against the suspicion of their wasting their time and intellect over the blasphemous and inane twaddle of this special organ of the spirit-rappers, table-turners, tom-foolknotophobists, et hoc genus omne. We who, of course, and as a matter of duty, read everything, have recently come across a bit of more

than usual merit.

In a late number of the Spiritual Times a correspondent who prints his name in full, and appends thereto the honourable initials "M.D.," likewise adding "F.R.C. Physicians, Edinburgh," gives an account of an interview he had enjoyed with the spirit of the late lamented DR. PRITCHARD, recently executed for the murder of his wife and motherin-law. We will be more considerate of the writer's reputation than he has been himself, and so we suppress his name. Lest, however, our doing so should in the least degree weaken our readers' faith in the truth of what he states, we will add that the interview he narrates took place in a locality, and in a presence which will at once preclude all possible suspicion of deception. The interview, in fact, took place at the residence of that most notorious of mediums, MRS. MARSHALL. The ghost of PRITCHARD, duly summoned, gave a most woeful account of his position. In fact he was as badly off as ghost could be. We shrink from the irreverence, the blasphemy we would say, of giving in detail the questions and answers as printed in the article from which we quote. However, there we have it in black and white, the spirit of PRITCHARD was in a "parlous state." After for some time putting leading questions, the replies to which all tended one way, we find the interrogator asked the spirit, "Do you suffer from heat?"

To be a bachelor I'm fated; My barber hints at "thin a-top,' My married friends say "antiquated." Ah, well! in spite of thinning locks,

I daren't indulge the tender passion. And married friends? The tail-less fox Declared that tails were out of fashion!

I've pleasant rooms in Gray's Inn Square, That look upon a grove umbrageous. I've not a dun-I've not a care

Not e'en a carious tooth outrageous. Society receives me well;

I'm up in all that's on the tapis; And yet-though why I cannot tellI'm somehow not entirely happy!

I have my melancholy fits,

And oft indulge in visions tender, Of one who opposite me sits,

With tiny feet upon the fender. Who she's to be I've ne'er surmisedMy wife of dreams, ideal darling! The hope will ne'er be realised— So you'll forgive a little snarling! And why? Because, I must confess, The female sex is so expensive, And spends such awful sums on dress, A man must stand on the defensive; Ringlets-not rings-their caskets fill, And chignons have in price so mounted, No longer their hairdresser's bill A "hairy nothing" can be counted.

Infanticide, in short-which blots
Just now old England's boasted progress.
For every girl, who spends such lots
Of money, seems a cruel ogress;
And why? Because statistics prove
(While vainly ogle, worship, sigh men)
Her tastes expensive smother Love,

And in his own knot strangle Hymen.

This was certainly, to say the least of it (considering where the ghost had come from), a mild way of putting it. The spiritualists by their wild assertions have long since proved they are "not particular to a shade," though it now seems they are considerate to a ghost!

And there are men living in our own day, men entitled to "write themselves down"-we had nearly finished DOGBERRY's famous line -to write themselves down M.D.'s, who can believe in this horrible, this blasphemous tomfoolery.

The same paper contains the following as an advertisement:

party to watch and keep the Eye upon a person by overlooking him, fascinating, "Any gentleman suffering under the known system of hiring or employing some listening backwards to him (in Arabic ILHAN), crying out of persons around him by word, act, or gesture; hancking, bewitching, blowing upon, setting a watch upon him, &c., whether for the purpose of obtaining charges of Insanity against with L. P. T., Library, 88, Park-street, Camden-town, London, N.W., with a view him, for other purposes, or from any other motive, is requested to communicate to co-operation in obtaining recognition, by statute, of the notorious and well-known existence of the practice, and the enactment of a punishment as felony, Statutes 1 Jac. 1 c. 12, &c., &c., for the offence. "N.B. None but bona fide communications will be attended to. "Number of madhouses, 219: and lunatic population, 89,757-in the united kingdom."

We have ourselves such a tremendous character for joking, that we feel our readers will refuse to take us au serieux under any circumstances whatever. But if they will only this once allow us to be in earnest, we pledge our editorial word of honour-nay, we will, if necessary, swear by our editorial gum-bottle and pen-knife (we scorn the "paste and scissors"), that the above was really printed by moveable types in a newspaper during the latter half of this enlightened nineteenth century, and was NOT, as they would doubtless imagine, written in black letter by some old superstitious monk in the dark ages.

We suppose we must speak of the Spiritual Times in the style universally adopted by one journal towards another, as our cotemporary," though, of a truth, the phrase seems strangely out of character.

VOL. II.

ledge that the blow could not have been better struck. THE nine days' wonder which has lent an additional lustre to the great and glorious name of SMITH has collapsed. The groom and the lady retire into the privacy from which they should never have been dragged to fill the heads of stableboys with dreams of ambition, and to set a bad example to silly and romantic girls. SMITH appears to have behaved with the honesty and straightforwardness one would expect of a SMITH, but the girl seems to have an absurd and-I was going to say unstable, but that won't do-a flighty mighty, combined with great stable-ity of character.

How very pleasant it is to hear of the engines snorting defiance at the Sabbatarians on the Scottish Sunday. The fanatics did wisely to put forth all their strength in the attempt to keep out the great civilizer steam. There will be less drunkenness throughout Scotland on a Sunday now-less drunkenness with whiskey and less with spiritual pride, which is the very worst form of intoxication. If the Scotch bigots did not belong to a class who obstinately shut their eyes to facts they would know that wherever Sunday excursions have been introduced intemperance has decreased. The public houses in London which used to be besieged on Sundays have many of them, since the spread of the excursion train movement, had to shut up on that day for want of trade.

THE great Schleswig Holstein question has resolved itself in a very simple-if not a satisfactory-manner. Prussia takes the lot, which quite does away with any difficulty that might have arisen from the sub-division of the provinces.

WHAT a funny notion it is-this hob-nobbing of the broad majesty of Spain with the acute EMPEROR OF FRANCE! Fancy a Bourbon Queen interchanging visits with a Bonaparte. But he is a very knowing card that EMPEROR-more knowing than all the kings in the pack-and if he can only get a consolidation of the Latin races-a "federation of the world"-with a general disarmament, he will be able to put the whole civilized world into his pocket. And, upon my word, he will deserve it!

I HAVE reason to believe that although the potato disease is prevalent the cattle disease has not-except in a few instances-spread beyond a hundred miles from London. The pasture lands of Somerset and Devon are studded with healthy cattle, and the beef in those parts is delicious. The weather is splendid- almost tropical. The trees have only just begun to put on the autumnal gold, and they give back the sun's glory in style. Insect life is very abundant in the countrybutterflies are plentiful, and if you take tea in the open air you may count upon having a few dozen gnats and flies in your cup.

FROM that last paragraph I'm afraid some people may be led to suppose that the Saunterer in Society is out of town. Well! as there's no society in town now, where is he to go to saunter? Nevertheless I shan't confess. But I will tell you this much-that to go to a cucumber frame, and pick a cucumber as long as my hand, with all the fresh blue bloom on it, and eat it then and there without condiments, and with the rind on, is about as jolly a thing as I knowmuch pleasanter (I say this behind the editor's back, for I know he's out of town) than editing a comic paper.

A CLUMSY

SERVANT.

OH, Nature, Nature! you're enough
To put a quaker in a huff,

Or make a martyr grumble.
Whenever something rich and rare,
On earth at sea-or in the air-
Is left in your especial care
You always let it tumble..

You can't, like other folks, confine
Your talents to the hardware line,

And break the trifles they break;
But, spurning anything so small,
You take our nights and let them fall;
And every morning-worst of all-
You go and let the day break.
You drop the rains of early Spring,
That set the wide world blossoming;

You drop the beams that mellow
The grain towards the harvest-prime;
You drop, too, at the autumn time,
With breathings from a colder clime,

The dead leaves, sere and yellow. You drop and drop; and I've no doubt You'll go on dropping things about,

Through fine and stormy weather, Until the day when you shall find You're growing weary of mankind; And then you'll soon make up your mind To drop us altogether!

An Extravagant Climb.

"I WONDER why it is," remarked our tailor the, other day, "that people who are fond of running up bills never seem to come down with any money." We were so much struck by the philosophy of the remark that we immediately ordered a gorgeous coat.

The Sweets of Office.

"PAPA, the newspapers complain, A minister but wishes, His hold of office to retain

I SHOULD have liked to be present at the laying of the first stone of the HERBERT Memorial House for Convalescents. It is erected in memory of a good man whose good works live after him. The soldiers of the British army must remember the one Secretary of State for War who thought of them as men instead of machines, and to whom they owe the few measures that have ever been passed-I had almost said introduced-in the British Parliament for many a long year. The ceremony must have been impressive, for SOTHERON ESTCOURT can speak, and when SAM. OXON puts his heart into what he is saying -which is not always-there is no one living, except GLADSTONE, who can beat him at oratory.

For the mere loaves and fishes.

What fishes? Whitebait? Eh, papa?

To like that's no disgrace!"

Boy, they like whitebait well-but, ah, Much better like their pla(i)ce."

MARVELLOUS CURE.

A YOUNG friend of ours who recently suffered from the presence of a stye in one of his eyes derived considerable benefit from the application of cold pigs.

THE erection of a JENNER monument by the inhabitants of Boulogne is an act that will certainly be regarded as a monument of JENNERosity and friendly feeling exhibited by our neighbours and allies.

SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.

NICHOLAS NARRATES HIS OWN EXPERIENCE WITH REGARD TO DOMESTIC SERVANTS.

BELGRAVIA.

THE old saying that "after a storm comes a qualm," is one the truth of which has often been experienced by NICHOLAS whilst sailing on the bosom of the mighty deep; for yachting, as I have frequently explained to the sportive public, through the medium of your vehicle, although a noble sport, is one that is less suited to render the Prophet supremely happy than to cause him to lie down on his back as flat as a flounder fish, and writhing with intense agony all round the pit of his stomach. It is just the same in the racing world. The excitement of the St. Leger, where NICHOLAS again showed in his best form, has been succeeded by a period of comparative qualm. It would be easy enough for your Prophet to fill a column with an analysis of the weights for the Cæsarewitch and Cambridgeshire; and, of course, when the period for these contests draws a little nearer, the old man will be all there with a tip which will astonish the sportive public, and enable those who faithfuily follow my advice to land a pot of NICHOLAS, however, has neither time nor inclination to go scribbling about a lot of minor meetings, in which only the lowest of touts can take any serious interest. It is the proud prerogative of the Prophet to reserve his energies for great occasions, and then to come down upon the correct card like a rolling avalanche. After having foretold in a single season the absolute winners at Epsom, Ascot, and Doncaster, I can afford to rest amongst my laurels, and even, as it were, to "nod" like "the blind old bard of Scio's rocky isle." I allude, of course, to the eminent writer HOMER, one of whose pleasing little poems has been lately translated by the EARL OF DERBY, a true sportive nobleman, and an eloquent advocate of those Conservative principles, than which I am sure none are more in accordance with those of NICHOLAS himself, though a little unpopular.

money.

But, sir, I am not merely a sportive editor; I am also a citizen and a householder. In this capacity I am naturally interested in the great question of domestic servants, besides having once been employed that way at a epoch when your Prophet's star was rather under a pecuniary cloud than absolutely shining in the firmament with dazzling lustre.

The private opinion, then, of NICHOLAS, which he fearlessly makes public, is that servants are a bad lot.

A gentleman by the name of RUSKIN (whom I believe to be something in the building way, from the manner whereby he goes talking about architecturial subjects) has had the cool assurance to say that we, we, the gentlemen of England, the possessors of territorial acres or of funded capital, should treat our servants as if they were our sons. Now, sir, in the first place, this can't apply when the sex of the menial is really effeminate; and, in the second place, what could be more ridiculous than for the Prophet-a man of property and position, to say nothing of his time of life-to allow his groom to come up to him of a night, when, perhaps, he is sipping of his quiet gin and water, or thinking over his next contribution to the New Serious, and kiss him before going to bed? The idea is absurd, which it may be all very well for builders, but would never answer the genuine aristocracy of the land.

It has also been asserted that, although effeminate domestics are troublesome to manage, there is no real difficulty in dealing with men. To that statement I am prepared to give a distinct denial, and would back my opinion, since speaking from experience, than which I am sure nothing is more elevating of the mind, though a little expensive.

In early life-in fact, until a comparatively recent period-the position of NICHOLAS, despite his industry, good conduct, and genius, was not of a character to require him to maintain an extensive establishment of menials. Well, the tide turned; industry and integrity asserted themselves by raising of the Prophet to a pecuniary pinnacle, but from that moment, Mr. Editor, I have been rather the slave of my domestics than their master. Sir, their yoke is one than which I am sure that of DIONYSIUS or the French Revolution was nothing, though a little cruel. My valet dictates to me as to what clothes I ought to wear, and when I remonstrate he takes it out of me by quoting his late master, a nobleman, who is now gone to rack and ruin, but was formerly on the turf, and used to men servants all his life. My cook sends me up a lot of foreign kickshaws, when Lord knows I would rather have plain roast and boiled; my butler almost obliges me to drink sour stuff, which makes me bad in my inside, when I really would prefer a good honest glass of sherry wine; coachmen, footmen, grooms, gamekeepers (especially Scotch ones), all lead me a life of gilded servitude. And, by Jove, sir, there are times when the old man half believes that he was really happier when engaged in the Alderman's family, and never stinted in his meat or drink! NICHOLAS.

FROM OUR STALL.

We have no news whatever, and we have no scruple in announcing the cheering fact. If the newspapers, we mean those newspapers that consider themselves serious, were only equally candid! What a mag

nificent line is that of CANNING'S Knife Grinder, "Story, God bless you! I have none to tell, sir." Line! It is a speech, and a great not have succeeded in life as a literary man, quite the reverse. speech, honest, truthful, and sincere. But that Knife Grinder would be. Ere these lines are stereotyped for the happiness and guidance of Not being enabled to say what has been, let us say what is going to SHAKESPEARE and MILTON on the same night. Who after this shall future ages, Drury Lane will have opened with Macbeth and Comus. say that the present is not an intellectual era? Bravi FALCONERI and CHATTERTONI, and please have Dante's Inferno dramatised and brought out with new diabolical effects, as soon as possible. Ere these lines are stereotyped for the happiness and guidance of future ages, the Prince of Wales' Theatre will have opened, and MISS MARIE WILTON MR. JOHN NUBBLEY CLARKE, will have returned from their provincial (bless her!)-excuse the parenthesis-and her clever troupe, including engagements to their natural and proper postal district. And here we would ask our readers to remark the hardships to which authors are subjected. During their tour the Prince of Wales' company played in Devonshire, and the following notice appeared in a local paper:

"THEATRE ROYAL.-Notwithstanding the heat, MISS MARIE WILTON'S Company has drawn good houses this week, and Wouster BYRON having superintended the production of his renowned pieces, everything has gone off uproariously. It has been a merry week indeed. Lord Dundreary is to appear on Monday in the person of the inimitable MR. SOTHERN, on which subjeet a word is sufficient." Now this is too bad. To be called a "wag" is annoyance enough, but to be dubbed a wagster is a sort of superlative insult.

The new burlesque for the Prince of Wales is founded on the story of the Bride of Lammermoor, and it is said (on dit, you know) that a serious drama is to be brought out at the Lyceum on the same subject, with MR. FECHTER as the hero. Should not the title of the Lyceum play be Edgard et sa bonne Lucia?

But this is not all. "There are pippins and cheese to come." The Strand is about to re-open, and the Haymarket, and the St. James's, and the Covent Garden English Opera, and all the pieces to be produced are to be successful, and the authors brilliant, and the artists transcendent, and the managers spirited and enterprising, and the box-keepers courteous and obliging, and the supernumeraries elegant and gentlemanlike, and the stage managers intelligent, and the critics honest, fearless, and outspoken; in fact, if the above programme be adhered to, the theatrical season of 1865-6 will be the most wonderful season ever seen, or hitherto attempted in Europe, Asia, Africa, America, or Polynesia.

AN EDITOR OUT OF TOWN.
A SONNET.

"Oh, rus !" (Quotation. I've no books
Of reference here- don't know who said it.)
How beautiful the country looks!

The fields one hasn't got to edit. The leaves (not black and white but green), The well-red (that is scarlet) poppy, The pools, that mirror back the scene (One's ne'er kept waiting for their copy),The trees that murmur (not find fault As readers do with publications)— All these delights, combined, exalt

"Our" holidays to jubilations. And last at night with weary eyes We go to sheets we have not to revise

CORRESPONDENCE.

TO THE EDITOR.

DEAR SIR,-A few weeks ago you benevolently replied to a few important questions with which I ventured to trouble you. Emboldened by my success, I venture to implore you to tell me

1. Why is a tooth-pick like an engraving?

2. If a layman purchases a jewelled collier on credit, why may it be inferred that he has not bought it for himself?

3. Why is a ferocious ape like a cook at Joe's? And
4. Why is a ferocious ape like a female cricket?
Ever yours,

1. Because it's a pick-chewer.

A TREMBLING WIDOW.

MEMS. FOR MICHAELMAS.

As the advent of the 1st of September is a terror to the partridge, so is the approach of the 29th to the tenant. There is, however, this great distinction between their several cases. There is "no quarter' for the partridge. Happy would be the tenant were there none for

him.

Quarter-day customs vary in different countries. In Ireland, on the approach of rent-day tenants usually shoot their landlords; in England they generally shoot the moon.

The ancient Romans were very harsh in the exaction of their quarterly dues. SHAKESPEARE, in his play of Julius Cæsar, makes Mark Antony thus denounce one Casca, a terribly grasping landlord of the period:

"See what a rent the envious Casca made!"

Should a landlord, unable to obtain payment from his tenant, resort to the remedy afforded him by law, the immediate result of his so doing is "a case of real distress." So distressing indeed is the mere contemplation beforehand of such an emergency, that we absolutely find inanimate objects even, such as chairs and tables, and other articles of household furniture, completely moved thereby. It is somewhat paradoxical, by the way, that though the landlord, by his threats, is the real instigator of the movement, it is generally the opposite party, the tenant, who leads the van.

Any goods found upon the premises, whether the tenant's own, or those of a lodger, or other party, may be seized for rent. This is by many deemed unreasonable, but the maxim of the law is that the landlord must "take things as he finds them," in other words that the ownership of moveable property can, in landlord's logic, only be argued from the premises.

Michaelmas (or any other of the legal quarter-days) is an admirable period for a poet, or any person unable to pay his rent (our readers

will pardon the tautology), to versify his impecuniosity in an ode, commencing, let us say, "Owed to my Landlord."

right." In England just about this time of year, landlords find on In Ireland just now there is a great agitation going on for "tenant the contrary, a great many cases of "tenant left."

Tenants who are anxious to retain their holdings, and their good name in society, will manage to make up their rent by "hook or by crook." Those who are less particular will omit the latter part of the problem, and will simply "hook it."

On the whole, we may conclude that during the next few days there will be a considerable number of vans, carts, and waggons employed in moving furniture. We should counsel landlords fearing surreptitious evasions to "wait for the waggon," to see where it is going to; to take care that their hopes of payment do not vanish in the van, and so carefully to visit every cart that no fraudulent tenant shall get his goods away without his landlord's cart de visit.