Page images
PDF

Several Rusbells.—What a horrible idea!

Bright.—What thi9 country -wants is martial law, my lord, and more peers. . . . Thank you, hut I'll stick to the old tap, please. . . . Gentlemen, here's a toast: "May wo always have a 1 riond, and a bottle to (five him!" Eh, twig, eh, young fly in Amberlbt P

Ambehley.—Really, pa, don't you think we'd bettor join the ladies P

Bright.—Bless 'em! (Weeps.)

Earl Russell.—Well, perhaps—not that I should like to put it

dogmatically—but perhaps if Mr. Bright would liko to

Bright.—All right, my lord. I'll propose it with pleasure. Gentlemen, I givo you the Ladies—the Ladies, whose smile is the host encouragement of military valour—the Ladies, whoBo christening gives invincibility to our wooden walls—the Ladies, without whom this England would be a dull demoeracy, instead of being what it is, the pride and envy of surrounding nations! Gentlemen, "The meteor-flag of England, Shall yet terrific burn, Till danger's troubled night he o'er——"{Pauses) Ambbbxey {anxious to eomplete the quotation).

"And the Star of Peace return!" Brioht.—"Peacet" Who dares talk of Peace? "The Star?" My lord, the Star ought to be put down as a low democratic organ!

{Sleeps)

A Weak-minded RvMtlU—What on earth made the earl invite him?

A Cleverer Ditto*.—

Well hit inconstancy is i

As I can no< adore; He would not not love John Brioht Bo much,

Loved he not Office more.

MBS. BBOWN ON LIVING IN STYLE.

We was a-aottin' over our tea, ma and Mrs. Chadwick, as I til a-stayin' with through Brown's business a-takin' him over to Ostend, as is like our (jravesend, though I have heard as the king of them parts did used to go there and bathe hisself, as is what Qumiw Victoria never did at Gravesend, and small blame to her.

Well, Brown was obligated to go over there through bein' on them railways, as is enough to drag tlio life out of any one, and I come for to stay with Mrs. Chadwick, not as I'm one to stay away from my home in a reg'lar way, but felt lonosome, and Bhc's dull through the family, where she lives housekeeper, bein' away.

Just at tea-time who should como in but young Piper, as is her nophew in the buildin' line, and as good a son as ever trod shoeleather to his widdered mother, a young man as I honours, with good wages, and never more than a pint and a-half a day summer nor winteT.

He's got ft good place he has, through befn' nnde* one of them large builders, as is men of weight, as the gftyin' Is.

Through that young man bein' one of them if you asks A question will give a civil answer, and not snap your nose off, I says to him, "james PirER," I says, "mrs. Chadwick and me has been for* walk across the park for to see all them grand new houses as is springin' up, palisses all over what was market-gardens when I was a gal;" for we'd been and pretty nigh walked our legs off that very day all over Brompton, and the houses is that grand as it must cost thousands to keep up, and not one here and there, but rows of them by the hundred. So I says, " And will you tell me how it's ever done?" "Well," ho says, "population will increase."

[graphic]

is

houses

part of them houses is bought on mortgage

I says, "Whatevcr's thatP" "Why," he says, "the samo as bein' pawned."

I says, " Go along with yon, pawn a house as you would a flat-iron, why it's out of all reasons; besides," I says, " how could they ever take it in?" He says, " Why, I means they never pays the money as they gives for the house."

"Well," I says, "I'd buy a house on them tormS myself." He says, "So vou can, and furniture too, and give parties and balls, and every one think you a swell with your saddle-horse."

"No," I says, "thank you, no saddle-horse for me." "Well," ho says, "a carriage and all on nothin' but kite-flyin'."

I says, "james Piper, in my opinion you've had a extra half-pint a-talkin' such rubbish." "You may call it rubbish," says he; "but if you was to ask many a ono as lives in them jrrand houses for twenty shillins in the pound, they could no more do it than fly. Why," he says, "it's all credit and devil take the hindmost."

"Well," I says, "give mo a crust come-by honest." "Oh," ho says, "that's all very fine in books, and contentment's a beautiful

thing; but what's a tradesman to do, he opens a shop or ho builds a house, and he must sell his goods and let his house on the best terms he can."

I says, "That's right, that is." "Well," says he, "then he runs his risks of ever gettin' his money. If he gets paid he makes a fortune; if he don't he's bankrupt two or three times, and generally comes out a rich man in the end. There's hundreds now as holds their heads very high as has been through the hoop two or three times and thought none the worse of."

I says, "James Piper, no man can holp misfortunes, as we are all born to, as the say in' is; but," I says, " them as goes on like that in my opinion is downright thieves, and I'd tell 'em so to their faces if they was as high as Lord Mayors theirselves a-settin' a-judgin' with their gold chains round their neck a poor fellow as is a thief through poverty and bad example, and is all the while no hotter theirselves; not as I means to Bay I'm one as holds with thievin', for I believes as people can get a honest livin' if they works; but it's the same wiih rich and poor, they won't work and they will have what they like, ana if they can't get it by fair means they will by foul. But all as I says is that it's hard on the man as steals a shillin' or two to be sent to prison, whilst him as has cribbed thousands is considered all right." I says, " I suppose there ain't no cure for it; but, depend on it, as it'll come home some day, and a nice smash there'll be. How people can do it I can't think, for I'm all of a fidget if I owes three-halfpence for manglin', though it was only left from last week, and I don't suppose any one would trust me if I was to want a fine house and all manner; but I knows ono thing, when I do have it I'll pay for it, for them's my principles," and James PirER he woke up sudden and says, "All right," and so I hope it may prove.

READINGS BY STARLIGHT.

The eoltfur-blindneBB of the Star, which makes It believe anything bad about a white man, led it somo months ago to put out some damaging statements concerning the treatment of a certain New Zealand Chief by the local sfathorrlies, and Mr. Weld, the late Prime Minister, In particular. It is not unusual for the Star, on ft parte statements, to attack gentlemen who are too far off to have a fair opportunity of replying. In this case, however, Mr. Weld does reply, and bl ft quiet bit effectual way, that knocks the Star's highfaluting article into a cocked h:it—proves it to be, in short, something which we will call, "at the risk of Intruding on our valuable space," with a word of three syllables instead of one, a mis-statement. Whereupon the Star gets out of it with a wriggle—and a kick! The style of tho editorial comment is on a par with its taste:—

11 While the land having been seized under false pretences, it ought to have been returned to the natives and sold only -with their consent."

What do our readers think of that as a specimen of elegant and editorial composition P

THE HEAD AND PRONT OP HI8 OPPENDINO.

The last Dublin on dit is that Stephens is disguised as a lady'smaid, and is in the service of a lady at Kingstown. This is rather a descent—from a Head-centre to a hairdresser. ,

A SAPE QUESTION.

Can Mr. Caselet bo considered an adept in the abstract sciences?

FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE..

There is, we believe, no foundation for tho rumour that the gentleman who plunged into the liquid "so disgustingly like weak mutton broth," at Lambeth, has been made a Companion of tho Bath.

insfoers is Comspnknts.

H, L., Cstnberwell.—Not bad, but an aerated bread company ought not to need a puff. C. U. Blodb.—The fable should have been spelt_/oible. H. B. sends copy, with this note, "to be paid for if inserted." We could not accept H. R.'s money if he offered us millions to put that joke in. Up To Fun.—Not a fit name—at any rote the copy is not up to Fun. J. P., Regent's-park.—The lines about beefsteak are not first chop. J. E., Bow.—(If haJiadn'tso dated his letter we should not have had the courage to name tho locality to him.) The riddles won't answer.

G. S., Dulwich.—You have seared a little too high for a first flight, and as a result ovor-birdin' us with copy. Pimples.—Again declined. Take our advice, and don't woo the mii.».' Pimptea dvltis is not favourable to you. 1 with thanks—W. i. C, Leeds; T. B., Galashiels; B. L. M.; Tewkesbury; Mrs. H. W., Manchester; R. H., Bayswater; W. 8., Bristol; A. L. C, Russell -square; H., Hackney; II. W.; A Hermit; C. E. M., Shepherd's-bush; W. S. W., Weymouth; Hector BiL; E. B. M.; G. W. C.

[graphic]
[ocr errors]

PROM OUR STALL.

In the matter of cellar-flap dances and the other amenities of burlesque a transpontine audience is much more difficult to please than one at the West-end, north of the river Thames. A few evenings ago the monotonous aspect of the Middlesex playbills drove us to the Surrey side, and it is only fair to the managers of the Victoria Theatre to inform the British public that we laughed at the new burlesque of Mazeppa till the briny tears coursed each other down our innocent cheeks. The memory of Miss Menken has paled within us ever since we saw Miss Maria Daly tied on tho back of an untamed fiery steed—not a clothes^-Yumo, mind—at the Victoria. The awful manner in which that young lady's head was dashed against the cervical vertebne of the Ukraine-born (anatomists, avaunt!) was a caution to the dyspeptic. A thing of beauty and a joy for at least a fortnight was Miss Clara Morgan, and a merrier man within the limits of becoming versification than Mr. Yarnold, our young remembrance will not go out of its way to parallel. Altogether we may thank our lucky stain—the stars at our leading theatres par exemple—for driving us over the water in search of amusement, and we may thank Messrs. Framfton and Fenton for providing it. The burlesque is indeed capitally mounted, and so is the horse who carries the hero. We must really offer our best compliments to the gentleman who appeared in the character of Mr. Paul Bedford. The illusion was perfect.

Married, on Monday evening, 26th ult., at the Gallery of Illustration, Augustus Yoanay, Esquire, to tho only daughter of the late — Gushington, Esquire. The nuptial knot was tied by Mr. John Parry, and, after a sumptuous dejeuner a la fourchette at the mansion of John Parry Esquihb, composer of "My dejeuner a la fourchette," the happy pair departed for the Continent. (Vide "Anticipations of Switzerland," sung by John Parry.) Tho ceremony of throwing the slipper was performed by J. Parry, composer of "Cinderella, or the Little Glass Slipper," who had previously returned thanks for the bridesmaids. Wong, "The Old Bachelor," executed by tho author of "Blue Beard," "Wanted a Governess," &c.) The whole affair passed

off in the most satisfactory manner. The only fault we have to find with the entertainment is the omission of two almost inevitable incidents. No German band cams to play outside the house during breakfast, and worst of all, no bridesmaid pulled a cracker and screamed. It is pretty well known, we believe, that Mr. John Parry plays rather nicely on the pianoforte, and is not altogether destitute of humour.

GROG.

Sugar and whisky opportune,

The kettle, ready for the brew, sings;
I reach the glass, I raise the spoon,

It stirs within me curious musings.
Says Fancy, giving Thought a jog,
"Life's very like a glass of grog!"

Hot water:—one gets lots of that!

Lemon :—The sour's a certain fixture.
Sugar:—the quod solatium dat.

Spirit:—makes potable the mixture.
It makes heads ache, and palates clog.
Life's very like a glass of grog!

We taste—and test—our heads we shake—

Then doubtfully keep sipping, sipping.
At every trial that we make,

The liquor from the glass is slipping,
While round us hangs a steamy fog.
Life's very like a glass of grog!
Half pleased our taste, half slaked our thirst;

Doubt with enjoyment shares the measure.
But when we've finished off the first,

Although 'twas not an " unmixed pleasure,
We're for a second all agog—
Life's very like a glass of grog!

[graphic]

NO NOTICE TO BE TAKEN.

Mr. Bull .—WHY, JOHN, WHAT'S THIS I HEAR- THAT YOU WANT TO LEAVE? Earl R*8s*llj—01l, DEAR NO, SIR! I'M QUITE SATISFIED WITH MY PLACE.

[graphic]
[blocks in formation]

Bhoww (Mrs.) at the Old Bailey, 7

,, and the Emperor of the

French, 17

,, ox Domestic Servants, 27

,, on Housekeeping, 37

M and th^Glazler, 47

„ at Margate, 57

„ on the Move, 67
„ on the County Court, 77

ii on Guy Fawkefl, 87

i, on Furnishing, 97

„ on the Lord Mayor's Show,

„ gets a Treasure, 117" 107

Brown keeps his Birthday, 127
Brown (Mrs.; on Modern Houses, 137

M goes to an Evening Party,

147

„ on Society, 157

„ has a Dog brought Home,

167

„ makes herself Agreeable,
177

„ goes Into the Country, 187

returns from the Country,

„ on the State of the Streets,

207

„ on Omnibuses, 217

on the Poor, 227
„ on Libel, 237

,, on Gas Explosions, 247

„ on Living in Style, 253

Back Again, 39

Begging Letter (A), 58

Baitmg for Fiat-Fish, 64

Better Late than Never, 94

Bar and its Moaning (The), 122

Beauty of the Poor Law (The), 124

Barcarolle, 127

Ball-Room Belles (The), IN

Bachelor Uncle's Lament (The), 171

Ballad of the Good Old Times (A), 192

"Colouh "-able Swindle (A), 1

Cruise in Queer Latitudes (A), 11

Clumsy Servant (A), 22

Chang in London, 43

Cattle Market, 70

Cabinet Council (The), 79, 188

Coningshy Harangues, 94

Caught in the Toils, 101

Chrvsanthcmum Show (The), 110

Cattle Show (The), 130

Correspondence, 23, 139

Cockney's Evening Song (The), 154

Christmas Appeal, 163

Continuations of Dramatic Histories, ICS,

Christmas Boxes, 109 [171, 193, 213, 238

Christmas Party (A), 170

Cabman's Child (The), 194

Coming Down, 201

Chaucer to his Child, 209

Castles in the Air, 228

Curates Beware, 229

Cafe (A), 240

Dblights of Fiction, 151

Diamond cut Diamond, 90

Drama Dead rThe), 78

Decadence of the Britannic Empire, 108

"Day Decreased — Six Hours, Fifteen

Minutes," 137
Difficult to Please, 152
Disenchantment, 202
Decline of the Drama (The), 209
Day's Hunting (A), 243

EeoKmttrs, 9

Every Dog must have his Dav, 11
Etftor Oat of Town (An), 23'
Eggs-traordinary Bargain, 93
Enough is as Good as a Feast, 181
Election Charge of the Six Hundred

(The), 212
East Lynne, 223

From Our Stall, 3, 13, 23, 33, 53, 69, 73,

89, 99, 101, 119, 121, 111, 151, 104, 178,

181, 191, 201, 218, 221, 253, 241, 254

Foreign Suns and English Daughters, 8

Fishy Story (A), 18

Figure on the Pier (The), 27

For, oh, it is such a Norrible Tale, 68

Fun and Fact, 103, 124

Family Doctor (The), 129

Fenian Government (The), 158

Field for Amusement (A), 174

Front of the House (The), 180

Fragment of a Scene from "The Tom-
pest," as performed in the Casual Ward
of Lambeth Workhouse, 213

Fourteenth of February (The), 222

Ferdinando and Elvira", 229

Frogmen (A), 249

[ocr errors][merged small]

Local Examinations, 171

Laureate Loquitur (The), 189

Louvre (The), 200

Love Song (A), 238
Lay of the Lost Umbrella, 9

Qvestioxs for the Sphinx, 91

Raii.wav Library Termini, 19

Roval Exchange (The), 40

Return of the Tourist (The), 42

Rent Service, 84

Regular Fix (A), 98

Retlcctions on water, 131

Rival to Madame Rachel (A), 159

Retrospect (A), lHi

Royal Dramatic College (The), lf9

Reflections, 237

Readings by Starlight, 253

« PreviousContinue »