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A LITTLE GAY DECEIVER.

HAT

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It blighted my prospects, and fed me

On sorrow instead of on joy; Till I wondered what madness had led me

To say, "I believe you, my boy!"

Forewarned by a lesson so bitter,

That urchin will tempt me in vain. My reply shall, I promise, be fitter

When Cupid comes talking again. For—cured of my credulous folly—

The phrase that I mean to employ Will decidedly be, "Nix my dolly!"

And not, "I believo you, my boy!"

sad littlo vagabond, Cupid, Came telling mo stories one day; And I — like a regular stupid— Gavo credit to all ho could say.

After hearing that small malefactor Tell tales merely meant to decoy,

In the words of a certain big actor, I said, " I believe you, my boy!"

It was far from a good imitation, And far from a rational phrase; But for yeara that absurd observation Embittered my nights and my days.

SPORTING 'INTELLIGENCE.

Belorayia.

The waning hours of sunlight already inform the old man that the season for out-of-door enjoyment is rapidly drawing to its close. Two great events still remain to be decided on tho turf, namely, the Cesarowitch and the Cambridgeshire, and with regard to the former of these it will do you no harm to keep a look-out for Alabama, such being a good horse, whilst making all squaro with Salpinctes; and as for the other race, why, if Gladiateur is really meant to run, concerning of which Nicholas is not particular confident, not all tho weight in the world could hinder that magnificent representative of La Belle France from making a wretched example of all his would-be competitors.

Touching the first Newmarket October meeting, as it is all over, your Prophet will not trouble you with any retrospective predictions, such being idle, except as historical records, and prove the habitual accuracy of my sportive judgment. Indeed, there was only one event of real, general, and sensational interest, which the result was exactly that foreseen by the old man, who always said so in private life, though not having written on the subject in your organ. This was tho match between two rare good horses, Lord Stamford's Archimedes, which was third in the Leger, as fully expected by Nicholas all along, and the Marquis Of Hastings's Tho Duke, an animal which the Prophet has stuck to and vindicated through thick and thin, through good reports and evil reporters, such as many of my turf rivals, though I will not name them, as it might appear individuous.

Ah, Mr. Editor, and ye, 0 sportive men of England, who love the old man's ways, that was a race—one of the good old sort for honour

and for glory, as well as for that filthy lucre which is digged up, I believe, only to be a temptation to us in our early life, though enabling us to procure necessary comfort when arrived at Nicholas's period. Ho would not say a word against Lord Stamford, who is a noble-hearted sportive man, but will freely confess all the same that his sympathies were entirely in favour of the Marquis, not merely on account of his superior rank, though that weighs a good deal with a constitutional statesman such as Nicholas is proud to claim the title, but because the Marchioness herself was present, and Beauty never appealed in vain to the chivalric enthusiasm of the fine old man, which here is her health in a bumper of sherry wine.

There she sat, Bir, as if presiding at a tournament of old, than which I am sure a more medieval spectacle, though a little like Astley's ampithcatre, tastefully attired in an elegant white silk dress with trimmings, such being the colours of The Duke, and as Edmund Burke said, "A thousand swords should have leaped from their scabbards," which the Prophet took out his own real Indian bandanna and waved it like mad. She had recently been staj-ing at Folkestone, a fact gracefully commemorated by Mr. Edmund Yates, in tho Morning Star, and must say that, for my own taste in reading, Edmund Yates is much more desirable than Edmund Burke.

Well, sir, The Duke won, as the reporters have already told you, "amid great enthusiasm by three lengths," thus confirming what had often been written by the Prophet in his praise, not only previous to when he had unfortunately to be scratched for the Derby, which was done by the Marquis in an honourable and straightforward mannor, but also subsequent as for instance, previous to the Leger, when I wrote in poetry,

"Happy the man who hedged or backed the Duke"

in Number Seventeen of the New Serious, Volume I., page 163, and was fulfilled by his coming in fourth, tho distance being too much for him unluckily, though unequalled—as tho match with Archimedes proved over a course like the Rowley mile—another proof of that sagacity which has raised the old man to a sportive pinnacle, superior to any other turf oracle, bar none.

Two moro notes, and I have done my article, which I am sure is looked for with eager interest throughout an empire on which the sun never sets, such being highly flattering to the old man's honest pride.

First look at these two remarkable scores at cricket: "Jeff, c. and b. Plowdbn, 216." Which is almost unequalled in the Prophet's long experience; and "Master G. F. Grace, not out, 48."

Which was done in a match against Cheltenham College, and as the young gentleman is only fourteen years of age (like Nicholas hinnelf at that period), I hope to see him somo day or other at Lord's or tho Oval alongside of his brother E. M., than whom I am sure a more magnificent hitter, though a littlo wild.

Lastly I chronicle the deaths of eminent sportive men, the Duke De Grammont Caderousse, of whom I will say no harm now that ho is dead, and might have been a better man if he had had a better chance; and Lord Strathmore, as brave and kindly an English gentleman as ever kept his heart fresh and green amid the temptations and excitements of the Turf. Nicholas.

gnstos to Crjmspnknts.

Oh, Cream-inv !—You need be under no alarm about the supply of milk. While the Thames flows and the white chalk cliffs of England Btand we shall never be without a supply.

Puzzler.—Bigotry and Brutality both begin with B. But in Latin the resemblance is still closer. The transposition of two letters makes C'rcdulitas becomes Crudelitas.

Smoker.—Your "friend at a pinch" must, wo conjecture, be the patent cigar-nipper.

A Naturalist.—The domestic fowl does not take kindly to the water although we have heard from a gardener, living within hearing of Bow Bells, that he has seen a "hen-dive" in his own garden.

A Philosopher.—Man has been defined as tho only "cooking animal," but we have reason to believe the definition incorrect, as wo have ourselves seen pig's fry.

La Mode.—The last French fashion for this hot weather is the cool de sac. It is simply a coarso canvas receptacle such as is in use for tho conveyance of coal and potatoes, with holes cut for the arms and legs, the mouth being tied round the neck.

Jemima wants to know how to get rid of grey hair. Why, cut it.

Rhymer wishes to know whether some lines which ho sends "contain sufficient fire." We cannot say, but, at any rate, we have put them into the grate.

A Student.—If you wander by tho brookside on these warm autumn evenings we have no doubt you will soon become acquainted with gnat-ural history.

BACK AGAIN!

Back to the dust of the town,
Back to the work at the mill,

Back to the wig and the gown,
Back to the dim and tho hill,

Back to Smith, Robinson, Brown,
Back to the paper and quill!

No more of Biedectier's Guide,
No more of French table d'h6te.

No more of bridegroom and bride,
No more adventures afloat,

No more of diligence ride,
No more of circular note!

Back to my drama at day,

Back to my leader at night, Backjlo the Westminster fray,

Back to the novel I write, Back to my stall at the play,

Back to Pah, Gladstone, and Bright.

No more rouletting afar,

No more of Baden or Ems, No more disgusting cigar,

No more of Belgians and FlcmB, No more of channel and bar,

No more upsoiling of Thames!

Back to policeman and guard, »
Back to the Ovals and Squares,

Back to the ill-treated Bard,
Back to the bulls and the bears,

Back to investments ill-starred,
Buck to the slap-bangy airs!

No moro of black demi-tasse.

No more nix-sous petit rerre, No more liqueur as a e/iasse,

No Burgomeister or Maire, No play worth seeing, alas!

No dining out in the air!

Back to the chimney-pot hat,

Back to the chop at the club, Back to my dog and my cat,

Back to my evening rub, Back—(I'm not sorry for that)

Back to my sponge and my tub!

No more ablution in bowl,

No moro absintlu to be had, No more fantastical roll,

No more excursioning cad, And, to tell you the truth, on the wholo

I swear I'm uncommonly glad!

Another Centenary.

Where is Mr. Hefworth Dixon? The thirteenth of October, 1866, will he the eight hundredth annivorsary of the Battle of Hastings. Surely the gentleman who made such a hash of the SHAXEsrEARE Commemoration might make a Hasty pudding out of this.

The Finnish of Fonianism.

A Patriotic party has sprung up in Finland, advocating national independence. These repealers style themselves Fenomen. Tho similarity of this name to the Irish Fenians is a curious Fenomen-on.

The Puff Direct

The Pneu-new-matic Despatch tube between Euston-square and Holborn being nearly completed, wo have sent one of our staff to travel over the line and write an account of his trip. We have just received his first report, which we print in extenso:

THE PNEUMATIC DESPATCH.

(by Our Special Kepobter.)

I'll bo bio wed if I go.''

* This is not insubordination we trust, but the gentleman is Irish.

IN THE MATTER OF THE FENIANS.

A Letter From The O'phun To Mr. Cornelius Mulligan, Of Dublin, Tailor, At Present In Custody On A Charge Op Treason.

. * My Dear Mm Mulligan,—When, a few weeks back and somewhat to your surprise, I settled your little account, I had no idea that you were contemplating the destruction of the British empire, and the establishment of an Irish republic, with yourself and a few congenial spirits at its head. Had I been aware of this, I might possibly have postponed a pe cuniary transaction which was more agreeable to yourself than to me. I believe that a traitor cannot recover debts, but then there are few cases in point. As a general rule, you see, tailors leave high treason alone.

On the whole, I consider that they are wise to do so. For my dear Mr. Mulligan, whilst I am ready to admit that you have a pretty taste in the matter of waistcoats, I am not quite prepared to accept you. as the chief of a provisional government.

You are in gaol. You will be prosecuted, and probably found guilty. I grieve to think of such a possibility, but it is not at all unlikely that you will pass the next few years of your lifo in healthy but unremunerative and involuntary toil. I trust you will not bo hanged.

Tho patriotism of the O'phuns is notorious. On a hundred fields of battle they have bled for the Green Isle. Sarsfield, and in late years Emmett, Wolfe Tonb, Lord Edward Fitzgerald, all had an O'phun amongst their counsellors. My father acted with Daniel O'connell. In my own hot youth I worked with Thomas Davis, Gavan Duffy, and D'arcy Magee, all of whom wero men of courage and capacity, clever writers, thinkers, speakers.

But I declined to accompany poor Mr. Smith O'brien—green grow tho grass over the tomb of a gallant gentleman—on that insurrectionary excursion which led him to a certain cabbage garden, and I very distinctly decline, oh, my Mulligan, to have anything to do, except in the matter of apparel, with you!

Am I satisfied with the condition of Ireland then? I am distinctly tho reverse of satisfied. I consider that we have a good many grievances, besides suffering from a still greater number of calamities.

The Irish Church question, the law of Tenant Right, these points, I think, we had better settle quietly in Parliament. The English Liberals are very heartily with us, and you will possibly excuse my saying that, for a political coadjutor, I prefer Mr. Gladstone to even Mr. Cornelius Mulligan.

But there are calamities which legislation by itself can't obviate. I refuse to consider " a base and brutal Saxon government" responsible for the average rain-fall of the Green Isle, for the potato disease, or for the cattle plague, just as I should shrink from holding Lord Wodehousb responsible for measles, or regarding Sir Robert Peel as tho origin of small-pox.

And our dear countrymen, after all, Mr. Mulligan, have certain little failings, which even the "holy right of insurrection" wouldn't cure. If a man is averse to handling a spade, you don't cure him of laziness by presenting him with a pike.

But, humming " The French are on the sea!" and thinking of the Americans, you have been confidently relying upon foreign aid. Pardon me, but you were wrong. Tho real Yankee is too smart to engage in two bad speculation, such as "The Deliverance of Ould Erin Company (Limited)," and though ho may not bo particularly friendly to Great Britain, he certainly wouldn't go to war for you.

A> few hundreds of Filibusters might possibly have got smuggled across to help you. Even this is problematic.-.!. But if,they had, do you remember what happened to a better man than yourself, General Lopez, when with Yankee adventurers ho attempted to revolutionize Cuba '< Sir, the Spaniards caught him, and in the public place of HavaRnah they made him take a seat on a chair, and administered the punishment of the garotte—throttled him, sir, to death.

I sincerely trust, and I honestly believe, that the British Government doesn't intend to throttle you. In the first place you have a bull-neck and would suffer much physical pain. In the second, who tho deuce are you that you should be promoted to die for treason? Sir, ancestors of my own have laid their heads upon the block.

After a few years of retirement, you will possibly become a wiser man. If you do, you will quietly return to your trade. I don't advise you to give up politics. My tailor has as much right to be political as I have. Agitate, sir, for the repeal of any grievances that may then still oxist. On my conscience, I believe that we shall have removed most of them whilst you are picking oakum.

But if you have any sense of gratitude, you will then thank with your whole heart and soul, the policeman who arrested you before you had done any positive mischief, and you will be duly thankful also for the frank epistle of Your former customer,

TnE O'phcn.

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THE ROYAL EXCHANGE.

By Our City Correspondent.

For some time past the transactions at some of the leading houses (public) have beon well sustained, and the representatives of commercial enterprise have had their hands full of transfers, most of which exhibit a downward tendency. There has been a very active demand for brewers' stocks, and some smaller ones, represented by Birch's, or, as the new firm is now styled, Eiso and Brymer's have looked with some anxiety to the evidences of increased consumption immediately after the usual quarter-day payments. Large dividends, to the extent of sixteenpenny portions of fowl and ham, have beon declared both at Lake's and at the "Bay Tree," while at the latter establishment several small investments, mostly in fourpenny plates of "cold," have been as satisiactory as could well bo expected during tho present premiums on live or dead stock.

An attempt was made only a few days ago to get up a combination against sevsral merchants and brokers, who are in the habit of forestalling tho public conveyances in their appearance in Threadneedlegtreet at five o'clock in the afternoon, and filling up all the best places bofore the conductors can effect a discharge at the Royal Exchange. Tho result has been only partially successful, and as holders were firm, all that could be done was to run prices to a premium, though even then outside seats, and especially those upon the roof, ruled low, and one or two well-known brokers threatened to suspend payment, though there w;is still a fair inquiry for (the evening) paper.

In the money market the usual activity has been observed that usually attends quarter-day, although Government securities in the shapo of the policeman, who looks after the shoe-black brigade, have suffered slightly from a fall, which has been erroneously attributed to the removal of specie from the Bank of England, when the beadle retired to invest in a purchase of cooper at half and half per cent.

The attendance on 'Change, especially in the morning, has been of a kind to promote transactions in shares, in which most of the usual occupants of the front steps are engaged when they come out for their dinner-hour from the neighbouring printing-offices. The representatives of tho Spanish walk have been mainly occupied in the ineffectual effort to removo the bad odour to which their previous operations in the onion and tobacco markets havo given rise; and it has been evident that many of tho speculators (upon what they can get for

dinner), who are known to have secured the earliest places on the exchanged benches, have been suffering from the effects of tightness in the (Hay)market on the previous night. From a similar cause there has been a run upon some few houses, and notably upon Pursell's, where "sodas" have been at a premium, and ginger-beers have divided the market with lemonades.

According to latest inquiries there was a lightness in jam tarts, and in consequence of the increased demand for sandwiches, steaks have been at a slight discount, while kidney-puddings ruled heavy throughout the week.

At the ordinary yesterday there was a flatness observed in the porter towards the afternoon; but we can state on tho best authority (that of the beadle of the Exchange) that the fountain facing the Poultry showed more freedom, although it attracted little attention from genuine investors.

Some fears were entertained during a great part of yesterday that the circulation of tho currency would be impeded in consequence of invitations issued for a Civic tea party at the Mansion House, on which occasion the police, with their accustomed sagacity, thrust pedestrians into the road; but these fears were happily unfounded, and the business of tho day was brought to a close without any more remarkable incident than the suspension of an officer of the Corporation, who had thoughtlessly invested in a new pair of patent elastic braces.

There is nothing to report in bread stuffs but what you may easily Mark-lane and inwardly digest for yourself; and in the leather trtide, although it was a skin(g) questions in vain, inquiries only resulted in the intelligence that no quotation has been made even for high tides.

NOTICE.By the desire of numerous correspondents, copies of

"BUOYED WITH HOPE,"

printed on toned paper, may now be obtained at the Office, price One Penny.

Sow ready, the Eighth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being
THE FLEST VOLUME OF THE NEW 8EEIES,

handsomely bound in Magenta cloth, price is. 6d.

Now Heady, the Title, Preface, And Index, forming an extra Number, price One Penny. Also, now ready, Part IV.

Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by TIIOMAS BAKER, »t

80, Fleet-street, K.C.—October 7, 1865.

By A Magazine Contributor.

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EXT with a thousand small affairs,
I sought the sea—to drown my cares,

Or lap in slumher smooth;
For like a cradle doth it keep
A-swaying on its rocks, till sleep

Will every trouble soothe.

I did not seek the British shore,
Meeting one's friends is such a bore—

Beside, I would repair,
For change of air—not what you trace
In any Cockney watering-place,

Mere changes of "that 'ere."

I sought the coast of France—to meet,
By chance, a French girl, passing sweet,

With locks and eyes of sable.
Among the rocks her path picked she—
No easy task!—but then, you see,

She with her cane was able.

Her stocking and her tiny boot

She doffed, because she picked her route

Where sea and shore did mingle. And far more delicate and neat Than was the late Adolphi treat,

Her dainty sole-on shingle!

She did not know one English word,
Nor I a French one ;—'twas absurd,

Yet somehow we were gleaning
What each to each would fain express—
And part by instinct, part by guess,

We read each other's meaning.

Wo parted! And I long in vain
To see that darling once again

O'er weedy ledge3 skipping.
Perfection she appeared to reach—
She'd not a fault, though o'er the beach

'Tis true I caught her tripping.

THE MODERN DRAMA.

II.—DANDY GEORGE; OR, THE CONFOUNDED HUSBAND. A New And Original Drama By T*m T*vl*r, Author Of "still

Waters Run Deep;" "the Ticket-of-leave Man;" "the

Serf," &c, &c, &c, &c, 4c, to., &c.

In presenting our readers with a few specimens of a new and original drama by ono of the most prolific writers of the day, who certainly understands French remarkably well, we desire to protest against the idea that it is merely a translation from Moliere. Dandy George is not the English equivalent for "George Dandin," nor The Confounded Husband for "Le Man Confondu." There is, no doubt, a general resemblance between the two pieces, but the frequent allusion to topics of the day are, we should hope, quite sufficient to prove the originality of Mr. T*yl»r's composition. Without further preface wo proceed to give an extract from the first scene:

Premier Act.Scene 1.

Dandy George.—Ah, that a woman, born-lady, is a strange affair! and that my marriage is a lesson very speaking to all the peasants who wish to elevate themselves, above of their condition, and to ally themselves, as I have done, to the house of a gentleman! . . . By the bye, I sincerely hopo that the next attempt to lay down the Atlantic cable will be more successful than the last. . . . Nobility of itself is good; it is a thing considerable, assuredly ; but it is accompanied of so many of bad circumstances that it is very good not to rub one's self about it. I am become thereupon learned to my expense, and know the style of the nobles when they make us, we others, to enter into their family. . . . Talking of family matters, by the way, how exceedingly difficult it is to procuro a good servant! . . . The alliance that they make is little with our persona. It is our property alone that they espouse; and I should have more well done, all rich as I am, to ally myself in good and frank peasanthood, than to take a wife who holds herself above of me, offends herself to carry my name, and thinks that with all my property I have not enough purchased the quality of her husband! . . . What a dreadful

thing it would be, though, after all, were I to die of Asiatic cholera? Let us hope that the reports which roach us are considerably exaggerated. . . . Dandy George, Dandy George, you have made a foolery the most grand of the world! My house is frightful to me, and I re-enter not there without to find some chagrin.

(In Moliere's piece the wife of George Dandin, Angelique, has a lover, Clitandre; but in Mr. T*yl*r's production the feelings of a moral British audience are protected; and to prove the originality of our author we may mention that he only introduces a young guardsman called Vavasour, who simply carries on a little Platonic flirtation with Dandy George's wife, whose name is not Angelique, but Angelica. Angelica's paronts are partial to Vavasour and oppressive to DandyGeorge. This leads to a diverting original situation.)

Third Act.Scene 13.

Dandy George.—I attest the sky that I was in the house, and that

Father-in-law.—Silence yourself; this is an extravagance which is not supportable. . . . Why, you young dog, you're more extravagant than Windham!

Dandy Georoe.—Maythe thunderbolt crush me all to the hour if

Father-in-law.—Break you not any further your head, and dream you to demand pardon to your wife.

Dandy Georoe.—Mo! To demand pardon P . . . What, as if I'd been convicted at the Central Criminal Court?

Father-in-law.—Yes, pardon; and on the field.

Dandy George.—What! I

Father-in-law.—French-horn blue! if you reply me, I will teach
you what it is to play yourself to us.
Dandy George.—Ah, thou wouldest have it, Dandy George!
Tag.

This piece, I nerd not tell you, friends in front,
Runs, if you'll let it; runs not, if you won't!
Here, where Burlesque hath often been the rage,
I'd seek to purify the British stago!
To Shakespeare's fame if you'll continue true,
Why, Dandy George has nought to fear from You!

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TOWN TALK.

By TUB Saunterer IN SoCTETT.

AYINGand exceptFenianism, which is after all very " small potatoes" indeed—and those diseased ones—there is positively nothing to write about. Even if thore were, my short narrative would he far less interesting than the "long tails " the ardent sportsman is seeking in every cover. And hard enough work it is, too, for the trees are almost as leafy as they were in June. A few elms hero and there arc just beginning to pay the debt of nature, reluctantly doling out the yellow leaves as the British taxpayer sheds his gold coins. I suppose the country has not looked so "jolly green" at this season of the year for a long time. Some people are ungrateful enough to find fault with the continuanee of sunny days, and say that tho cattle plague and the cholera are due to it.

Lea extremes se touehent. That staunch Conservative Lobd Robert Montagu has, as Professor Rooebs pointed out in a letter to the/Star the other day, been advocating communism, in a suggestion that a tax should bo levied to recoup the farmers half their loss by the cattle plague. I am sorry to see such a radical change in one whose chief claim to public notico was his consistency. The notion is certainly a little socialistic. What will tho Social Scicnco people say to it?

I Have just received a batch of caries de-visite of tho great Chano, taken by the Stereoscopic Company. They are curiously successful in giving one a notion of his height. One in which ho stands contrasted with tho " Han Kow Rebel Boy," Chung Mow, is very funny; but I hope the camera has, as is usual for it to do, libelled the lady. Chang is not flattered, but his expression is pleasantly rendered, whereas his wife—one can't say "better half" whero the relative proportions are reversed—does not appear to advantage. By tho way, it is interesting to read the autobiography of Chang, ana notice in how many instances the proverbs of the Chinese resemble some of our own old saws. I have run the little brochure hastily over, and recall the following instances :—" To strive is man's part, but to accomplish heaven'B." "It is a waste of water to pour it on a duck's back." "One word to a wise man should bo as one lash to a good horse." The Confucian doctrine that wo should "treat others according to the treatment we ourselves would desire at their hand " bears resemblance to a higher teaching than that of proverbs. The story Chang tells is amusing. His marriage was a romantic one for his country— ho fell in love with his wife and she—well, I suppose she climbed in love with him, whereas Chinese marriages are generally arranged by the parents. Chung, the dwarf is also victim to the tender passion. Short as he is ho had a worse fall than falling in love—he was pitched out of window by his beloved's papa. I only hope the autobiography of Chang is not written by some one else.

The latest "sensation" is the invention by a gentleman in Scotland of machinery by which ho makes mice spin yarn. According to his calculation immenso fortunes are to be realised by this economy of diminutive labour. This is reversing the old fable. The ridiculus tmts is to give birth to a mountain of profit.

"No case. Abuse plaintiff s attorney," was tho endorsement of a noted brief. I modify tho maxim, and when there is "no news, appeal to the reader's feelings." My charity sermon in this instance has a text divisible into two heads. Firstly :—The National Lifeboat Association has published its Wreck-chart in that excellent little journal, The Lifeboat. From the chart I gather that although with tho increase of our commerce there is naturally a larger number of wrecks every year, the lives lost in those casualties are becoming fewer and fewer each year, thanks to tho exertions of this noble society, which stands in need of funds to carry on tho good work. Secondly:—I have been looking over the twenty-sixth annual report of the Newsvenders' Benevolent and Provident Institution, and see the balanco might be bigger than it is. As every person who reads these lines is indebted, in some form or another, to the newsvender, an appeal on behalf of the Institution is not out of place; but as no less an orator than Charles Dickens was President this year, and his speech is obtainable, I had better content myself by recommending its perusal.

THE RETURN OF THE TOURIST.

By Al—R—N Sw—I!—NE.

When September's Kalends and Ides are over;

Tho merriest month in stubble and plain, Fills tho pheasants, in femy cover,

With store of berries and gifts of grain; And the papers rely on sensation leaders; And columns are open to "constant readers;" And whilome in foreign lands a rover,

Tho British tourist comes home again.

Come, 0 tourist, from foreign places,

Oracle now of thy native town,
With friends that wonder at foreign graces,

With speech to a Delphic utterance grown;
Leave to Raffaelle his mild Madonnas
In the ancient halls of the great Colonnag;
For tho "Mo8SOo's" words and the strange grimaces

Are answered only by surly frown.

For the trips with tho tickets of Cook are ended,

And all the season of bags and bills,
The Circular Notes that his hand expended,

The hearts that were weary of travelling ills;
And he's been to Turkey, and swears by Allah;
To Rome, and looks scom on Caracalla;
And by faithful Murray once more befriended,

He gazes again on English hills.

For he comes by night and he comes by day,

Slower of foot than the City Police;
Speech with the garnish of " s'il vousplait;"

The girl, "ma JUle," and the boy, "monjils."
He's walked and chattered round Peter's dome;
A new Bolanus* in modern Rome;
While—as when classic swells held sway,—

Still does the Capitol echo geese.

But Dover is here and the luggage is right,

And Poseidon's perils are safely o'er;
The train is oil' in the heart ef the night,

And shimmer the stars on the sounding shore.
The train is off with a roar and rattle;
But the tourist talks with the lips that prattle—
To the ears that listen and take delight—

The traveller's tales and the guide-book lore!

TO THE EDITOR OP FUN.

Dear Sir,—I venture to imploro your kind assistance in solving three questions which have troubled me night and day for weeks past. Can you tell me, sir,

1. Tho differenco between an acrobat and a living made by stealing india-rubber f

2. Why phrenology resembles a corollary? and

3. Why did the Greeks do more than any other nation to retard the progress of the fine arts?

Answer me, dear sir, I bog, and receive the heartfelt blessings of

A Trembling Widow. *»* 1. One is an clastic incomprehensible, and the other is an elastic income-reprehensiblo.

2. Because it's a conk-illusion.

3. Because they supplied lots of Phidias (of hideous) statues.

Be happy, Editor.

THE BIGHT MAN IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

We understand that tho "Hummums," which were doomed, have had a reprieve. Mr. Barnum, who is on his way to England, is about to purchase the " Hum 'em "s for his private residence.

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