MRS. BROWN ON HOUSEKEEPING.

ALL I've got to say, then, is rubbish, and them should be words to my dying day to any one as said such things as is beyond reason and above patience, as the sayin' is.

Whatever is £200 a year? Reckon it up and see if you can make. much more of it than not quite four pounds a week with income-tax took off, as I knowed was done when Miss WENABLES married MR. HOSKINS, as had that income, being a inland revenue, as is never overpaid, thro' a cousin of mine, as was in one of their cutters, as was drove into bein' one hisself thro' debt, and sailed for America sudden on a Tuesday without no more than he stood up in, not even to a change of linen, as must have been unpleasant stifled up in a ship for months together.

Yes, it's easy for to say, "Take the book and read it," as of course I will when I come to be tied up for the arternoon, tho' I can't think wherever I've put my glasses, as don't suit me at all, as must be too powerful I should say, for I've no sooner got them on than I feels that they're a-drawin' me to sleep. But don't it stand to reason as no one can't keep a house like ladies and gentlemen on four pounds a week. Why, we spends just on three in our little way a-payin' money down for everything.

You come to have a butcher or a baker's bill, as them is forced into as gets the money by the quarter, and then see how a sov'reign goes like butter afore the sun.

Why, I nussed poor MRS. HOSKINS twice myself; as had a hundred a-year of her own extra, and never could make both ends meet was it ever so, with a little family a-comin' on, and often and often she's said to me as it was a reg'lar struggle, and as nice a gentleman, fond of his home, tho' not a takin' to the infant kind at night, a-sayin' if his rest was broke he hadn't no head for work in the mornin', as would sit up ever so late for to try and eke out a livin', as the sayin' is.

It's all very fine to go and write a lot about what people ought to do, but let them as writes try it, and they'll soon see. Why, meat alone is ruination, and the doctor a-orderin' strong beef tea for the little girl as is in irons, thro' bein' put down too soon.

I'm sure I often used to wonder how that young man could bear up as he did, a-takin' a bit of lunch with him and nothin' but that table beer, and wouldn't have a drop of sperrits in the house beyond a bottle of brandy, as I would not keep in the place without a wellknowin' what it is in illness, as has brought the life back to many as doctors have give over.

BROWN, you needn't say, "Read the book and see what it says," for I don't mean to. Don't I know them parties in the name of WILLIAMS, as lived in the small house in Springfield-terrace, where there was lion's heads a-grinnin' and a glass street-door, as I don't hold with, thro' not bein' that private as I likes, and bein' ketched a-goin' up-stairs, as I was myself not fit to be seen.

Why, that young man had £400 a year, and began quite grand; for I'm sure the electrified plate must have cost a little fortune, and only sold like rubbish, as I always says silver's quite good enough for me like my teapot, as I wouldn't have electrified was it ever so.

"I'm sure her pianer with yellow silk let in, as looked elegant, with the drawin'-room, as was all lace curtains and artificial flowers, with two lookin'-glasses and wax flowers, and that cheap furniture, as I never did hold with, all shiny thro' warnish, but no strength in it, as I'm sure that sofy as give way with me the very first time as I called for to see her, as says, "Take a settin'," polite like. So I drops on to the sofy, as was lower than might be expected, and the crash as that leg give way with a-throwin' me back with the crown of my bonnet thro' a pane of glass, as might 'ave been my death, for I don't hold with a-settin' agin a winder, and her a-sayin' quite cool as it had give way the night afore thro' her good gentleman a-bein' tired and a-throwin' hisself on it, as is all outside show, and her dressed out a-receivin' of her company, and two bridesmaids a-settin' and all, with a silver cake basket and a waiter to match, for handing of the cake and wine, and not able to do a hand's turn thro' bein' quite the lady, and her father only in the ready-made line after all, and I'm sure the trouble as I had a-goin' night and mornin' for six weeks to dress and undress that infant, as she couldn't hold let alone nurse, and said as she didn't care for children, as put my blood up.

natural.

I knows as a butcher's and baker's bills soon mounts up to thirty shillin's in ever so small a way, and add in your grocery and butterman with not a vegetable but potatoes, and see where three pounds a week will be for bills, then add in your coals and beer, as I hold to be waste in a house, for they send the casks a third full of muck and rubbish, as will turn sour at the least thing, and wasted dreadful tho' kept under lock and tilted reg'lar, yet left a-drippin' all night, as runs away with a quart or two before you can turn round in the mornin', and what's the end? why, of course, debt and difficulties, as I often used to say, "MRS. HOSKINS, mum, that grease-pot is a reg'lar catin' into you," for the things I've seen as has found their way there, and as to a tub for pig-wash, I'd as soon have the bottomless pit in the house, as will swallow up everything.

It is heart-breakin' for to see parties a-strugglin' on a-tryin' to be ladies and gentlemen, as is so in their places, but not havin' got the money is a-pinchin' theirselves with care in every line, and reg lar old afore they're young, and not a-makin' no show neither.

I'm sure that time as MRS. HOSKINS asked me for to stop with the baby, as she went for to dine with his head, as she called him, and was consequent obliged to go, and wore her wedding dress, as she had trimmed with black velvet and black lace square over her shoulders, thro' bein' in mournin' out of compliment like, as the sayin' is, tho' it's a compliment as I don't want no one to pay me in a hurry. In my opinion that white silk would never have bore the light but for the black trimmin', and really a-grudgin' the cab fare, as were heavy, thro' its bein' all the way to Bayswater, and them a-livin' off the Bowroad, and as she says, "Whatever pleasure is it," as was back by eleven, and might have heard her infant at Mile-end Gate, as nothin' wouldn't pacify after half-past nine, tho' I'm sure them tops and bottoms was like jelly with carraways for to comfort him.

I'll tell you how you can live on £200 a year. Start out of debt with something in hand for to be able to keep so, and the best things is unfurnished apartments, where you knows the end on it, for I'm sure get into a house and it never does end. First one thing and then another, your hands never out of your pocket, and as to a garden except for to dry the clothes it's downright ruin.

I'm sure to live in a house and have people a-comin' for money would be my death, as I've seed that young MRS. HOSKINS turn pale

always a-whinin' and a-frettin' and a-makin' him that savage as he'd I says, "Then, in my opinion, you ought to have kept single," and rush out of the house, as took to the bettin'-ring, and then it was all over, as might have been a steady man with a happy home, as I see broke up with my own eyes, and buried the infant the same week, as was as well, not as she felt nothin', but how to save her pianer. I says, "Why, you never touches it," as was no great player I've heard say, and as to her singin', why give me shrieks, as means somethin', not that uproar, as wasn't music neither.

If parties is honest, and a-goin' to pay their way, let 'em begin quiet, for it's easy to launch out, as the sayin' is; but as to livin' with a family on £200 a year, it can only be done decent, as I've said, except old maids and widders, and they may write books till they're

blind. At the price things is now it's only mechanics' wages, as I've knowed a gasfitter myself as earned it. Not as I means to say as they're ain't a many as is bad managers, and that extravagant as would spend a fortune on their backs alone, as isn't my ways.

So don't you come home a-expectin' to cut a dash on four pounds a week, MR. BROWN, and I wish as them as has been a-pisonin' your mind and a-fillin' up your head with such rubbish had to keep you on it with every delicacy, as I'm quite satisfied and thankful for what I gets, as is clean and wholesome, and none of your rubbish for me.

Business Maxims.

NEVER say "die"-unless you are a hairdresser and have an invention for doing away with grey hair. Do not cry 66 stinking fish"-unless you happen to be a vendor of smelts.

A stitch in time saves nine sewing machines.

PHOEBUS APOLLO!

A COTEMPORARY, in speaking of JOHN BROUGHAM's new piece, The Child of the Sun, says,

"It was written expressly for the Menken, and will introduce her to the public as she never was before.”

From this we conclude that she will appear dressed.

and for glory, as well as for that filthy lucre which is digged up, I believe, only to be a temptation to us in our early life, though enabling us to procure necessary comfort when arrived at NICHOLAS'S period. He would not say a word against LORD STAMFORD, who is a noble-hearted sportive man, but will freely confess all the same that his sympathies were entirely in favour of the Marquis, not merely on account of his superior rank, though that weighs a good deal with a constitutional statesman such as NICHOLAS is proud to claim the title, but because the Marchioness herself was present, and Beauty never appealed in vain to the chivalric enthusiasm of the fine old man, which here is her health in a bumper of sherry wine.

There she sat, sir, as if presiding at a tournament of old, than which I am sure a more medieval spectacle, though a little like ASTLEY'S ampitheatre, tastefully attired in an elegant white silk dress with trimmings, such being the colours of The Duke, and as EDMUND BURKE said, "A thousand swords should have leaped from their scabbards," which the Prophet took out his own real Indian bandanna and waved it like mad. She had recently been staying at Folkestone, a fact gracefully commemorated by MR. EDMUND YATES, in the Morning Star, and must say that, for my own taste in reading, EDMUND YATES is much more desirable than EDMUND BURKE.

BELGRAVIA. THE waning hours of sunlight already inform the old man that the season for out-of-door enjoyment is rapidly drawing to its close. Two great events still remain to be decided on the turf, namely, the Cesarewitch and the Cambridgeshire, and with regard to the former of these it will do you no harm to keep a look-out for Alabama, such being a good horse, whilst making all square with Salpinctes; and as for the other race, why, if Gladiateur is really meant to run, concerning of which NICHOLAS is not particular confident, not all the weight in the world could hinder that magnificent representative of La Belle France from making a wretched example of all his would-be competitors.

Well, sir, The Duke won, as the reporters have already told you, "amid great enthusiasm by three lengths," thus confirming what had often been written by the Prophet in his praise, not only previous to when he had unfortunately to be scratched for the Derby, which was done by the Marquis in an honourable and straightforward manner, but also subsequent as for instance, previous to the Leger, when I wrote in poetry,

Touching the first Newmarket October meeting, as it is all over, your Prophet will not trouble you with any retrospective predictions, such being idle, except as historical records, and prove the habitual accuracy of my sportive judgment. Indeed, there was only one event of real, general, and sensational interest, which the result was exactly that foreseen by the old man, who always said so in private life, though not having written on the subject in your organ. This was the match between two rare good horses, LORD STAMFORD'S Archimedes, which was third in the Leger, as fully expected by NICHOLAS all along, and the MARQUIS OF HASTINGS's The Duke, an animal which the Prophet has stuck to and vindicated through thick and thin, through good reports and evil reporters, such as many of my turf rivals, though I will not name them, as it might appear individuous.

Ah, Mr. Editor, and ye, O sportive men of England, who love the old man's ways, that was a race-one of the good old sort for honour

"Happy the man who hedged or backed the Duke" in Number Seventeen of the New Serious, Volume I., page 163, and was fulfilled by his coming in fourth, the distance being too much for him unluckily, though unequalled-as the match with Archimedes proved over a course like the Rowley mile-another proof of that sagacity which has raised the old man to a sportive pinnacle, superior to any other turf oracle, bar none.

Two more notes, and I have done my article, which I am sure is looked for with eager interest throughout an empire on which the sun never sets, such being highly flattering to the old man's honest pride. First look at these two remarkable scores at cricket: "JUPP, c. and b. PLOWDEN, 216."

Which is almost unequalled in the Prophet's long experience; and "MASTER G. F. GRACE, not out, 48."

Which was done in a match against Cheltenham College, and as the young gentleman is only fourteen years of age (like NICHOLAS himself at that period), I hope to see him some day or other at Lord's or the Oval alongside of his brother E. M., than whom I am sure a more magnificent hitter, though a little wild.

Lastly I chronicle the deaths of eminent sportive men, the DUKE DE GRAMMONT CADEROUSSE, of whom I will say no harm now that he is dead, and might have been a better man if he had had a better chance; and LORD STRATHMORE, as brave and kindly an English gentleman as ever kept his heart fresh and green amid the temptations and excitements of the Turf. NICHOLAS.

Answers to Correspondents.

OH, CREAM-INY!-You need be under no alarm about the supply of milk. While the Thames flows and the white chalk cliffs of England stand we shall never be without a supply.

PUZZLER.-Bigotry and Brutality both begin with B. But in Latin the resemblance is still closer. The transposition of two letters makes Credulitas becomes Crudelitas.

SMOKER.-Your "friend at a pinch" must, we conjecture, be the patent cigar-nipper.

A NATURALIST.-The domestic fowl does not take kindly to the water although we have heard from a gardener, living within hearing of Bow Bells, that he has seen a "hen-dive" in his own garden. A PHILOSOPHER.-Man has been defined as the only "cooking animal," but we have reason to believe the definition incorrect, as we have ourselves seen pig's fry.

LA MODE.-The last French fashion for this hot weather is the cool de sac. It is simply a coarse canvas receptacle such as is in use for the conveyance of coal and potatoes, with holes cut for the arms and legs, the mouth being tied round the neck.

JEMIMA wants to know how to get rid of grey hair. Why, cut it. RHYMER wishes to know whether some lines which he sends "contain sufficient fire." We cannot say, but, at any rate, we have put them into the grate.

A STUDENT.-If you wander by the brookside on these warm autumn evenings we have no doubt you will soon become acquainted with gnat-ural history.

BACK AGAIN!

BACK to the dust of the town,
Back to the work at the mill,
Back to the wig and the gown,

Back to the dun and the bill,
Back to SMITH, ROBINSON, BROWN,
Back to the paper and quill!
No more of BIEDECHER'S Guide,

No more of French table d'hôte,
No more of bridegroom and bride,
No more adventures afloat,

No more of diligence ride,

No more of circular note!

Back to my drama at day,
Back to my leader at night,
Back to the Westminster fray,
Back to the novel I write,
Back to my stall at the play,

Back to PAM, GLADSTONE, and BRIGHT.

No more rouletting afar,

No more of Baden or Ems,

No more disgusting cigar,

No more of Belgians and Flems,

No more of channel and bar,

No more upsailing of Thames! Back to policeman and guard,

Back to the Ovals and Squares, Back to the ill-treated Bard,

Back to the bulls and the bears,
Back to investments ill-starred,
Back to the slap-bangy airs!
No more of black demi-tasse,

No more six-sous petit verre,
No more liqueur as a chasse,
No Burgomeister or Maire,
No play worth seeing, alas!
No dining out in the air!
Back to the chimney-pot hat,
Back to the chop at the club,
Back to my dog and my cat,
Back to my evening rub,
Back-(I'm not sorry for that)
Back to my sponge and my tub!

No more ablution in bowl,

No more absinthe to be had,

No more fantastical roll,

No more excursioning cad,

And, to tell you the truth, on the whole I swear I'm uncommonly glad!

IN THE MATTER OF THE FENIANS.

A LETTER FROM THE O'PHUN TO MR. CORNELIUS MULLIGAN, OF DUBLIN, TAILOR, AT PRESENT IN CUSTODY ON A CHARGE OF TREASON.

MY DEAR MR. MULLIGAN,-When, a few weeks back and somewhat to your surprise, I settled your little account, I had no idea that you were contemplating the destruction of the British empire, and the establishment of an Irish_republic, with yourself and a few congenial spirits at its head. Had I been aware of this, I might possibly have postponed a pecuniary transaction which was more agreeable to yourself than to me. I believe that a traitor cannot recover debts, but then there are few cases in point. As a general rule, you see, tailors leave high treason alone.

On the whole, I consider that they are wise to do so. For my dear MR. MULLIGAN, whilst I am ready to admit that you have a pretty taste in the matter of waistcoats, I am not quite prepared to accept you as the chief of a provisional government.

You are in gaol. You will be prosecuted, and probably found guilty. I grieve to think of such a possibility, but it is not at all unlikely that you will pass the next few years of your life in healthy but unremunerative and involuntary toil. I trust you will not be hanged.

The patriotism of the O'PHUNS is notorious. On a hundred fields of battle they have bled for the Green Isle. SARSFIELD, and in late years EMMETT, WOLFE TONE, LORD EDWARD FITZGERALD, all had an O'PHUN amongst their counsellors. My father acted with DANIEL O'CONNELL. In my own hot youth I worked with THOMAS DAVIS, GAVAN DUFFY, and D'ARCY MAGEE, all of whom were men of courage and capacity, clever writers, thinkers, speakers.

But I declined to occompany poor MR. SMITH O'BRIEN-green grow the grass over the tomb of a gallant gentleman-on that insurrectionary excursion which led him to a certain cabbage garden, and I very distinctly decline, oh, my MULLIGAN, to have anything to do, except in the matter of apparel, with you!

Am I satisfied with the condition of Ireland then? I am distinctly the reverse of satisfied. I consider that we have a good many grievances, besides suffering from a still greater number of calamities. The Irish Church question, the law of Tenant Right, these points, I think, we had better settle quietly in Parliament. The English Liberals are very heartily with us, and you will possibly excuse my saying that, for a political coadjutor, I prefer MR. GLADSTONE to even MR. CORNELIUS MULLIGAN.

But there are calamities which legislation by itself can't obviate. I refuse to consider "a base and brutal Saxon government" responsible for the average rain-fall of the Green Isle, for the potato disease, or for the cattle plague, just as I should shrink from holding LORD WODEHOUSE responsible for measles, or regarding SIR ROBERT PEEL 28 the origin of small-pox.

And our dear countrymen, after all, MR. MULLIGAN, have certain little failings, which even the "holy right of insurrection" wouldn't cure. If a man is averse to handling a spade, you don't cure him of laziness by presenting him with a pike.

But, humming "The French are on the sea!" and thinking of the Americans, you have been confidently relying upon foreign aid. Pardon me, but you were wrong. The real Yankee is too smart to engage in a bad speculation, such as "The Deliverance of Ould Erin Company (Limited)," and though he may not be particularly friendly to Great Britain, he certainly wouldn't go to war for you.

A few hundreds of Filibusters might possibly have got smuggled across to help you. Even this is problematical. But if they had, do you remember what happened to a better man than yourself, GENERAL LOPEZ, when with Yankee adventurers he attempted to revolutionize Cuba? Sir, the Spaniards caught him, and in the public place of Havannah they made him take a seat on a chair, and administered the punishment of the garotte-throttled him, sir, to death.

I sincerely trust, and I honestly believe, that the British Government doesn't intend to throttle you. In the first place you have a bull-neck and would suffer much physical pain. In the second, who the deuce are you that you should be promoted to die for treason? Sir, ancestors of my own have laid their heads upon the block.

After a few years of retirement, you will possibly become a wiser man. If you do, you will quietly return to your trade. I don't advise you to give up politics. My tailor has as much right to be political as I have. Agitate, sir, for the repeal of any grievances that may then still exist. On my conscience, I believe that we shall have removed most of them whilst you are picking oakum.

But if you have any sense of gratitude, you will then thank with your whole heart and soul the policeman who arrested you before you had done any positive mischief, and you will be duly thankful also for the frank epistle of Your former customer,

THE O’PHUN