SUNDAY DRAINS V. SUNDAY TRAINS. Obstructive:- "HOOT AWA, MON! DINNA YE KEN IT'S THE SAWBBATH (hic!)."

V. does not, that they happen to be men of established reputation, men of ripe culture, acknowledged honour and ability.

I am not a member of the Civil Service Club, though I have a good many valued friends in the profession, and I don't exactly know where it "draws the line," but really I can hardly believe that any one much above the grade of a tide-waiter would have penned the Blatant Vulgarity that is signed B. V.

Hoping to see you ere long in another and a better piece, I remain, my dear MR. WHINING, Your sincere admirer,

MRS. BROWN AT MARGATE.

FUN.

You may well say I must be glad to be home again. I'm sure I never should have come down only BROWN worreted so, and said as the sea air'd freshen me up a bit, as is good for every one; not as I wanted it, for home is my natural elephant as I likes to stop in.

But we come by the boat all reg'lar from Blackwall pier, as is a noble sight them docks, as puzzles me, for however they gets them wessels in is a wonder, and as to getting them out I should say it must be done piecemeal, as the sayin' is. And lovely weather, tho' the sun was sweltry, and looked to me as if it was a-drawin' up rain, as is its nature, and I must say as it were very agreeable, and met a many parties, as made theirselves that pleasant till overtook by the waves, as gives a dreadful qualm.

Just about the Nore is where you first feels it, not as I suffered anything to speak on, as I owes to takin' nothin' but a few sandwiches and a little cold without, constant; but them parties as dined hearty on sucking pig, and biled mutton with caper's sauce, and damson pie, was upset dreadful, which bottle porter will do, as it stands to reason must set everything of a work thro' bein' a constant fomentation itself.

Certainly that oshun wave is wonderful a-dashin' up like soap-suds as I stood and watched myself that very evenin' as we arrived in the moonlight, as was crowded to suffocation, and if MRS. YARDLEY hadn't got us a bed we might have been reduced to bathing-machines, not as I can say much for the bed, as were a tent, and rickety with the sackin' a-givin' way as soon as I was in, and BROWN forced for to draw it up afore ever we could get a night's rest; but I was thankful as it wasn't no wuss, for I've had bed-fellows as wouldn't let me rest, as I do think would find me out anywheres, as is my horrors of them lodgin's, for you'll never make me believe as they're not to be got rid rid or thro' strict cleanliness, as is not to be looked for in a seaside lodgin'.

But if there wasn't one insect there was another, for the gnats, or somethin', had took to my right eye and reg'lar bunged it up, as wasn't no pain, but a dreadful eyesore.

Certainly I did enjoy my breakfast, as was relishin' thro' the shrimps, and MRS. YARDLEY one as knows good livin'. But of all the things as ever I did see in my life it was the bathin', as is the grand sight of the mornin', it give me that turn as I was obligated for to set down, and couldn't keep my eyes off for wonderin' at 'em. However such things is tolerated in a Cristian country I don't know, as reminded me of a picter I've seen of them savages a-runnin' into the water for to murder CAPTAIN COOK, as hadn't no business there in my opinion; but to see full-grown Englishmen a-forgettin' of all decency is a thing as I don't hold with.

I says, "BROWN, you don't mean to tell me as it's right and proper." He says as he supposes as parties likes it, or else they wouldn't be a-settin' there a-lookin' on.

I says, "Likes it, indeed, then, they did ought to be ashamed of theirselves, and you may talk to me about missionaries to savages, it's a pity as they don't come here, not as I holds with their rubbish; but if I'd my way I'd just send out the police in a boat with some good stout cart whips, and soon make them counter-skippers jump into their clothes like disgustin' beasts as they are.

But, law bless you, I do believe as there's somethin' in the sea air as makes parties forget theirselves wonderful, for they all lives with the winders open, and not a bit of blind, as may be all very well on a uninhabitable island, as Margate used to be, as I went to see the caverns as they hid theirselves in, as struck that cold to me that I was glad to get out on, and have a little somethin' hot for to take off

the chill.

It certainly is wonderful to see the crowds as is on that pier, just for all the world like cattle in a pen, and flaunty-lookin' gals that bold in their hats, and their hair all dishovelled thro' hangin' out to dry after bathin', and a parcel of young chaps a-danglin' after 'em, as is a gigglin' set of idjots as don't suit me.

So MRS. YARDLEY and me was a-settin' on the end, a-waitin' for the boat as come in there, as YARDLEY were expected by, and there was a elderly party as had got a tellyscope, as he was a-making very

free with.

He says to me quite civil, "It's very wonderful." I says, "Oh, indeed! not a-knowin' what he was a-talkin' about. He says, "They must be millions of miles in size." I says, "It can't be," a-thinkin' he was a-talkin' about the Goodwin Sands, as I've heard say was swallered up in a single night, and is quicksands to this very hour.

He says, "It's my opinion as we must hear more about 'em." Well, I was a-beginnin' to think as he was pr'aps a 'armless mumbecile, when he says to me, "Would you like to have a look?" "What at?" says I. "Why," says he, "the spots in the sun, as my glass shows quite plain."

66

So I says, "With pleasure," and he holds the glass for me, as I never could see thro' in my life; but just for to please him I says "Wonderful," as makes him laugh, and he says, "That's a good un. Why you've got both your eyes shut."

Well," I says, "ain't that the way for to look thro' them things?" Well, he took ever so much trouble, but law, I couldn't see nothing but every now and then a round flash as came over the glass all black in the middle.

MRS. YARDLEY, as has had a boardin'-school edication, she saw it all wonderful, and talked to the old gentleman, as was a observatory like the one in Greenwich Park, as I've seen them old pensioners a-showin' myself. But law, I don't hold with any of their rubbish about the sun, nor the moon neither, as they goes a-watchin' thro' them glasses, but can't get near, nor find out nothin' about.

theirselves.

As to that old gentleman a-standin' me out as he know'd them spots to be holes as was thousands o' miles long. I says, "Go on with your rubbish, however can you measure 'em?" as said it was a burnin' mask, as I knowed afore he told me, as any one can feel for So jest then the boat come in, and there was YARDLEY, as is good company, and one to live, a-bringin' down nice things and all manner, not as there is no lack of nothin' in Margate, and a pleasant tea we had, and went arterwards to the Assembly Rooms, where I've heard my dear mother say the fust in the land did use to dance, as come down reg'lar in the hoys, as was boats afore steam was know'd about, and couldn't bring them numbers as comes a-rushin' in like the waves, as the sayin' is.

Certainly they did dance delightful tho' crowded, not as I cared much about it, for parties came a-gallopin' about the place, and give me such drives as throwed me down on to the laps of them as had got seats as I was a droppin' for, and made them rude in their remarks, follow me up like a-bumpin' agin me, till at last I watches 'em a-sayin' "fall easy,' and like that, and two parties seemed for to a-comin', and give 'em a shove as sent 'em over.

Well, there was a pretty how d'ye do. Up come a chap as called hisself master of the ceremonies a-talkin' to me.

So I says, "I don't want none of ceremonies, as I ain't one for to stand on none; but," I says, "if parties makes too free with me they know what they'll get, that's all."

Just then YARDLEY he come up and says, "You and me'll have a a-jumpin' me round the waist, as made parties roar, and I was that a dance together," and afore as I could hardly think if he wasn't put out, but law, YARDLEY is such a one with his larks as you can't just to the refreshments, where he got me a tumbler of hot port wine be angry, and didn't go too far, as is the way with some, but only went home to supper, as is a meal I always look to, and as to the seа negus with lemon and nutmeg, as did me a world of good. Then we air why you can be eatin' for ever and not feel it, as must be ruin to a family as I should say.

As to sleepin' I was no sooner in bed than asleep, and certainly no wonder parties like the sea-side, for it is a life, as the only pity is it can't last for ever, as p'raps we shouldn't enjoy it as much if it did, grievin' for me, as'll bring you to your grave afore your time; tho' for my part I likes to enjoy myself, and none of grizzlin' and for my part I do think, if it's ever so 'umble, there's no place like

home, as the sayin' is.

Conundrum.

(From the Sanskrit.)

WHAT two classes of paupers are best known in the Indies? The East Indy-gent and the West Indy-gent.

A Pun from the Persian.

but

"HAVE you seen my translation of Hafiz?" asked a well-known Anglo-Indian poet, the other day at the Oriental Club. "My friends tell me that it will share the fame of the original, which must for the future be considered Hafiz and half mine."

NO ADMITTANCE EXCEPT ON BUS-INESS.-What "bus" has found room for the greatest number of people?-COLUM-BUS.

THE SOCIAL SCIENCE CONGRESS. ACTUATED by that laudable anxiety to know all about everything, that has invariably characterized the promoters of the New Series, we despatched a reporter to Sheffield, who had bound himself by a frightful oath to give us an accurate account of the impressions which he received from the proceedings of the Social Science Congress at that melancholy town.

Our reporter, who is a careful man, with a large family, had already spent a day at Sheffield, on the occasion of the burying of an aged aunt, some four or five years since, so he knew enough of the hypochondriacal influence which that dismal town exercises over a casual visitor to induce him to leave all his razors at home. He has since had reason to congratulate himself on his foresight.

He went to Sheffield with an extremely vague and sketchy notion of what Social Science really was, but he has returned with the firm conviction that Social Science (as understood at Sheffield) is only another term for general impracticability.

He attended many meetings, at which many important questions were raised, discussed and finally disposed of with an inconsiderate dispatch which made our reporter tremble for the future of Things in General if many Social Science Congregators ever got into the House of Commons. However, he was pleased to find that no consequences of any kind ensued.

He was hurried about the dingy streets of that dingy town, from meeting-place to meeting-place, to hear A declare that the Masses should be Educated, to hear B declare that the Masses should not be Educated, and to hear the rest of the alphabet determine whether A or B was right in his views. And when that was settled there was an end of it, and A and B and C, down to Z, fell a-complimenting each other.

This is a general view of the features of every meeting at which our reporter was present. They settled matters in their own way in a

great hurry, that more time might be left for making mutual admiration speeches. And our Reporter assures us that he never heard so many complimentary superlatives at one time, as he did on the occasion of LORD BROUGHAM'S addressing a theatre full of Social Science noodles on Things in General, at Sheffield.

He was pained to see LORD BROUGHAM put forward to take the chair on this occasion. LORD BROUGHAM is a nobleman who has done good service to his country, and has done it well. He has earned his repose, for he is eighty-seven years of age. He is a hale man for eightyseven, but no man of that age is qualified to address a crowded theatre from the stage, for half an hour at a time. As it was, not a third of the audience heard a third of what he had to say.

Our Reporter noticed that such insignificant details of Social Science, as attention to convenience of seats, suitability of lecturerooms, convenience of access to them, proper space for the accommodation of two thousand visitors or so, and arrangements for the adequate supply of refreshments were totally beneath the notice of the promoters of the Congress. He noticed that discussions on various topics took place in different parts of the town, at the same time, and that one elderly (but obliging) waiter appeared to have the entire burthen of the refreshment department on his mind.

He was pleased with the courtesy exhibited by the principal manufacturers of Sheffield in throwing open their workshops to the inspection of the visitors. He was especially pleased with the gentlemanly treatment he experienced at the hands of the managers of BESSEMER'S steel manufactory, and NAYLOR, VICKERS and COMPANY's rolling mills. But he must be permitted to take exception to the behaviour of MESSRS. RODGERS, the cutlers, who availed themselves of the presence of the Social Science Congress at Sheffield to entice strangers into their warehouses under the pretence of explaining their manufacturing process to them, and then dun them to purchase any article the visitors happened to admire. Our reporter, in his guileless innocence, entered the warehouse of MESSRS. RODGERS, under the impression that

he would be treated as a visitor, but before he had been five minutes within their walls, he was so importuned to purchase scissors, fishslices, plate-baskets, salt cellars, and many-bladed knives, that he was only too happy to avail himself of the shopman's back being turned, to rush out of the establishment.

In conclusion our reporter cannot imagine why the Social Science Congress selected such a queer town as Sheffield, as a fit and proper meeting place. It is, he imagines, the town in England, which of all others, is the least adapted to such a purpose. It has no large meeting hall, it has no lecture-room, the places of meeting are scattered over the town at long distances from each other, the town is filthily dirty, and, beyond its manufacturing triumphs, does not offer a single feature of interest to the visitor. But the fixing on Sheffield as a place of réunion is on a par with the general impracticability which seems to characterise everything that the Social Science Congregators take in hand.

"IT IS NEVER TOO, &c.!"

MR. READE, you've written stories
By the dozen-and your best
Goes to prove, "Ad bonos mores
Via sera nunquam est."

Well, there may be something in it,
But I venture to contend
That there always comes a minute
When it is too late to mend!
For I sent a pair of highlows

To their maker in the Strand (Not a step from MR. MILO's

Where I purchase Maryland);
He returned them-it's a fact, sir!-
With a note obscurely penn'd,
Saying, "Upper leather's crack'd, sir,
And it is too late to mend!"

I have watched the colours dying
In the cheeks that I have kissed;
When the eyes once bright were trying
To dispel the growing mist.

I have known, in my affliction,

All the signs which make us bend

To that desolate conviction,

That it is too late to mend.

So I wonder you can cherish
That opinion, MR. READE,
While your fellow-creatures perish
And your melodrames are d-d.
When a vulgar play arouses
Only hisses at the end,

And is played to "paper" houses—-
Why, it is too late to mend!

OUT-OF-TOWN TALK.

3rd October, 1865. EDITOR, I am at Spa. Every good boy likes to be near his Spa; especially when his Spa is not a harsh Spa, and likes to see his dear boys playing with all their might and main. What a delightful place this is! How happy am I! How I approve of everything! Here's everybody's health in Spa(rkling) waters! Never mind the expense, for have I not won five hundred and seventy francs in half-a-dozen deals? There is an innocent pleasure combined with a healthy excitement in the life at this place which endears it to me. Editor, I shall stop a month here. I am writing this (in extraordinarily high spirits) in the reading-room of the Redoute. I am going to stake ten Napoleons just as a refresher before beginning another paragraph.

No man can calculate with certainty on making more than seven thousand a year at roulette. That is the worst of it.* There is a geniality about everyone here which is absolutely bewitching. The ladies' costumes are exquisite, and the ladies themselves the most artless and winning young things in the world. I am a winning young thing too, and so shall you be, if you come out here. You've no idea what jolly fellows the croupiers are-I go and chat with them when they are off duty, and they all remind me of PRINCE METTERNICH. They have just his cast of countenance. They are not at all angry at my winning little ways, although I have explained my system to them all in turn. They all admit its infallibility. They say that it is the only really infallible system, and seem very much depressed at my having discovered it. They are quite gentlemanly notwithstanding. One of them told me the other day that the bank reckons on the infallible system being known to twelve players in seven years (or seven players in twelve years-I forget which), and I am one of the seven (or twelve). They implore me to keep the secret to myself, and I affect compliance. Tra! la la! Excuse this inconsistent exclamation, but I am in high spirits, and when you are in high spirits abroad it always takes the form of Tra! la! la!

I believe Spa is situated in a woody valley, formed by part of the Ardennes chain, But I don't care. This (as I have had occasion to remark before) is not a guide book. Smore champagne. Here's jolly good health, ole feller. Nothin' like fallible cistern. I shall go and have 'nother shy. One again! I shouldsha, 1 again! (I never could remember which was One the number and which was 1 the verbperfectpasshiveparticiplepast of verb, that'sh to shay). Jesso. I shall go and back everything. Yes.

4th October.

A business appointment of an important nature compelled me to break off abruptly the dissertation on the evils of continental gambling houses, which I posted to you yesterday. I have, however, little to add to the remarks which are already in your possession. Of the evils that they work I am in a position to speak with authority; for, with the view of demonstrating to society the utter folly of embarking capital in such a speculation as roulette or rouge et noir, I have staked large sums of money on every combination that was open to me, and, of course, I lost eventually on all. This I was prepared for, and fully expected, notwithstanding the fact that fortune appeared, for a short time, to favour my speculations. Indeed, at one time I had won a considerable sum, and many persons would have stopped at that point, and have taken their unhallowed spoil away with them. But I am not a gamester, and have no sympathy with those who are. I have come to the sink of iniquity not to make a disgraceful income, but simply in order that I may be in a position to preach down the hideous folly of those poor deluded fools who think an income will turn up with a red or black card, and that when the wheel spins, it is spinning them a fortune. The haggard looks of the professed gambler, the feverish excitement that characterizes the demeanour of the novice, the low cunning that gleams from the beady black eyes of the sinister croupiers, suffice of themselves to tell such a tale of sorrow and of shame as should drive the intending gamester from the saloon into the train, and so home as fast as he can go to his innocent Peckham and his unsophisticated Camberwell. SNARLER.

AN IMPROMPTU.

DEAR EDITOR,-You send to me for a column and a half of verse in a great hurry. In a great hurry I furnish you with a column and a half of verse. Excuse haste, Yours,

HENRY STOPHANES.

TO MADEMOISELLE LUCCA.
(On her leaving England.)
BEAUTIFUL Star, you take your flight-
Rumtidy, rumtidy, rumti right-
Beauty, I wonder how you are,
Star of the evening, bright beautiful,
Beautiful Star!

Star! Beautiful Star-har!
Star! Beautiful Star-har-har!
Star-ar of the Even-

[Oh! bosh-ED.]

The infallibility of this system will be seen at once if the following equation is carefully studied:Hearts

Rouge Noir

Diamonds 26-3 I

Spades Clubs

=

I forget this quantity

32