MRS. BROWN ON THE MOVE. I'm sure truer words was never spoke than as three moves is as bad as a fire, as the sayin' is, for rack and ruin is the word, as well I can prove by the wan-load as come in fragments, and of all the downpourin' rain, as I know'd it would be thro' the moon a-changin' on a Friday, as I've knowed it do often myself, with a wet Monday consequently as sure as ever it was my month's wash. As to movin', it's a thing as I do not hold with, as has had my share, and bad enough when only a few streets; but all the way from Stepney to South Lambeth, as I holds to be the North Pole for farness, as is a day's journey, as the sayin' is, for I had a cousin as lived in Kennington Oval, as used to take me till dusk to get home again, tho' never stoppin' for a cup of tea. But BROWN he says move he must, and that's the nearest where he could find a place with a bit of garden, as his heart is set on thro' bein' that passionate over flowers. Not as ever I fancied the house with a range as there wasn't no doin' nothin' with, and the oven as wouldn't hold a cheese plate, with a biler as didn't supply itself, and not a bit of copper not if it was to save your life. As to the garden, I see nothin' in it, as no more there weren't, thro' its bein' new made, with broken crockery on the walks, and the house a-smellin' mortary thro' its bein' all fresh cementary work. Certainly the parlors is noble rooms with folding doors, and picked out with pink paint and marble mantel-pieces, not as I hold with them French windows with shutters only a-fastenin' half away up, and a draught under enough for to cut your feet off; and a-makin' of the front kitchen a parlor is all very well, but don't seem nat' ral, as is on the ground after all, and if them two cupboards ain't damp my name's not BROWN, that's all. Of all the days as ever you see it was that Wednesday-as I will move on, thro' gettin' settled by Saturday night, but, law bless you, settled, why, we shan't never be, for as to gettin' things done unless you do 'em yourself it's heart-breakin', and to see the way as I packed them things, tho' as to MRS. CHALLIN, she's a born fool to go and put them flat irons and two brass candlesticks in along with my tea service, as can't be matched not for the QUEEN herself, as I valued nat'ral thro' bein' my own dear mother's, as is one I never had a angry word with, except that time as I knocked the spout off the teapot thro' a-fillin' it from the kettle contrary to her wishes, and could have cried my eyes out when I see it all come out piecemeal, as the sayin' is. As to MR. Poсock as moved us he's a false man, as I'd a told him to his face only BROWN interfered, as is a party I can't a-bear thro' a-marryin' two sisters afore the first was hardly cold in her grave, as brought on words atween us, thro' me a sayin' she wasn't his lawful wife, as made BROWN that wild with me, a-tellin' me to mind my own business. Of all the wans as ever you see, eighteenpence the hour, why I'd have drawed myself nearly as well as them rats of horses. I got 'em started off by ten o'clock, BROWN and me up before five, everything nearly ready over night, when just as the milk come round atween seven and eight it begun for to drizzle, as I says foretels a wet day, tho' the milkman he thought different, a-sayin', "Rain afore seven lift afore eleven; as says, "It's gone seven, as breaks the charm," as the sayin' is. I'm sure I never knowed no peace till I was off myself in a cab, that full as the door wouldn't shut, and that cat a-strugglin' like wild in my arms, just for all the world like a Christian took anywhere agin his will. Of all the rides as ever I had it certainly was the joltingest, and kep' a-throwin' me violent forward, and then a-checkin' me back like, thro' the horse a-actin' that contrary, and the abuse of that cabman was enough to make a worm turn as is trod on. So I up and give him a bit of my mind, and says, "If you ain't got your rights there's a summons open to you, as I can face any day; but," I says, "I'll have the law of you thro' not a- givin' me a ticket," as is a mean action in my opinion, as I wouldn't stoop to. But law, he up and forgot hisself that dreadful that I do not know what he would not have done only BROWN come in, as made him step it pretty quick, a willin as would have took a mean advantage of a lady, the same as that one did as I once give half-a-crown to, a-waitin' for change, when he jumps on his box quite sudden, and, with a rude gesture, said as he'd carry me for nothin' next time. I thought I should have gone wild a-waitin' hour after hour for them goods, with nothin' for to set on but a odd tressel, with a bit of bread and cheese, as BROWN got me, tho' certainly the beer was relishin'. It was quite dusk when the goods came, and when I see my beddin' all exposed thro' the tarpauling being blowed aside with the wind and rain a-blowin' violent, I could have cried my eyes out, and it's a mercy as I'd had some coals in, as is lucky with salt for to bring first into a house. So the fires was a-burnin' bright, and of all the beastly drinkin' wretches it was them fellows with the wans, as stifled me out with their rum, as they was reg'lar reekin' with all over the place, and a-fallin' up the stairs with the bannisters knocked out with their violent ways, a-bangin' things about as if they was cast-iron, and had been and broke my lookin'-glass, as will bring no luck for seven years. lost his temper, and went off in a huff, a-sayin' as I'd managed bad, As to gettin' our bed up that wasn't possible, for BROWN he reg'lar and there was me and MRS. CHALLIN a-slavin' for to dry that beddin', as was a-steamin' like mad. I do think as that woman was born into the world for to be my bugbear, for tho' well-meanin', she is the most aggravatingest party, thro' bein' that foolish in her actions, a-pilin' up wood and coals like a furnace, a-sayin' as the chimbly must be all right thro' bein' quite uninhabited, except the policeman and his wife as had lived in the front room, as kep' a smokin' in volumes, as the sayin' is. that bed, thro' not a-holdin' with a-sleepin' on the floor, as is apt for Well, I was that busy in the bedroom, a-seein' how I could contrive to settle on the eyes thro' draughts under the door, as is not to be kept out, when I hears a-hollarin' and a-knockin' violent, as I thought was them wan-men come back, as I would not settle with thro' a-seein' as they was far gone in liquor. So I says, "Let 'em knock, as will pr'aps attract the police," when I hears a rattlin' and shoutin'" Fire." Well, I runs to the window, and there I sees such a mob a-shoutin'. So I throws up the sash and says, "Whatever is it?" Says the police, "It's the engines, as ragin' flames is a-comin' out at the chimbly pot,' as I could hear a-roarin' like a lion. 66 and it's a mercy as it was the beddin' as I pitched on to, or I might It give me such a dreadful turn that I staggers all over the place, have done for myself. I the place full of firemen and police, as I says, "Keep out the mob, or It was ever so long afore I could get up and go down, and found shan't have a thing left in the place," as was a deluge for water afore the fire broke out, or I do believe it would have been washed a-swillin' all about, and it's lucky as I had got the beddin' up-stairs away, as I nearly was myself afore the fire was got under. and his wife hadn't been and stuffed a bundle of shavin's up that And what do you think was its cause? Why, if that policeman chimbly, as I should say the down draught would have done 'em good, as five was a-sleepin' in the room; but it's well as it was found out as it were, or we might have been burnt in our beds. If you'd heard BROWN when he come in a-seein' me that grimed as he busted out a-laughin', as set MRS. CHALLIN off, as tho' hard of hearin' could join in laughter, as she did in my opinion thro' bein' overtook in liquor, for if she didn't then begin a-weepin' and a-sayin' as she must go home to her husband, as is a wooden-leg cobbler, and brought home frequent in a frightful state, as she can only keep in by hidin' away his leg with them drinkin' fits on him. Well, what with her howls and BROWN's goin'-on, I was that drove wild that if my spasms didn't come on, as bends me double, and and if it hadn't been for a widder lady as lived next door, and is the there I was a-settin' on my feather-bed a-howlin' like a ram's horn, landlady a-comin' in, I don't think as I should have lived the night peppermint took medicinal, did not bring me round till past one o'clock, out. All as they could do with hot bricks perpetual, and brandy and been as JANE come over the next day for to help me, as I packed as made BROWN bestir hisself for to get the bed up, and if it hadn't MRS. CHALLIN off the first thing in the mornin', I don't believe as ever I should have got the place right any more, and as to the cat she took it that to heart as never to be heard on no more. All I've got to say is that I'd rather stop in a old house till it fell about your ears, as the sayin' is, than move to a palace, where the carpets won't fit, and everythin' secms topsy-turvy, and nothin' don't lost and got spoilt in that movin' was enough for to make a saint seem to be suitable. I'm sure as the cold I caught and the things I forget hisself, that it was. A LESSON IN HERALDRY. "WHAT shall the blazon be, cousin of mine ?" I asked, as we bent o'er the pages; "The Or and the Argent in splendour out-shine, Her little hand shook, and low drooped her bright head, Her earrings were gold and the soft cheek was red- THE VAGABOND TO HIS DOG. E.GRISET A PATHETIC DITTY. ICKS, not halfpence, have Since we set out in the But on, as friends, we have In stormy as well as in For we don't care much A drenching can cause rust with the wet, And I have no clothes But after the ingenuous family had accepted these extraordinary symptoms as evidence of headache for some time, an event occurred which opened their eyes to the real state of the case. One day Mrs. Hunter found her daughter's room locked. The door was eventually broken open, and the following distressing spectacle was presented to Mr. and Mrs. Hunter's gaze: "Nellie was on the sofa, asleep. The noise partially awoke her, and sitting up, in a maudlin kind of manner she asked, 'What was the matter? By her side was a bottle of gin, partially empty, and on the floor, as if it had fallen from her hands, was one of the fashionable novels of the day. Novel-reading and gin-drinking ! Truly, here was enough to appal any parent's heart. The pang it produced was something akin to the agony of seeing a child suddenly struck dead. "Nellie,' said Mr. Hunter, 'it seems to me there is enough the matter. How came this bottle of gin here? What are you doing with it? "Oh! papa, don't be angry,' she replied, for the shame of detection had quickened her perceptions, don't be angry, and I will tell you. I've often taken it for pains in my head and chest, and I suppose I took a little too much this morning, and so it made me sleep heavily.' "Sleep heavily! I should think so, indeed. The quantity you have taken shows me that you are accustomed to this kind of thing. I will not inquire how you got it, but I presume you bribed one of the servants to fetch it. As I cannot make a general inquiry, and so proclaim your shame and ours to the whole family, I will get rid of them all, and remember that for the future, there shall be no tampering with servants.'" This drunken beast of a girl married a loving husband, and had a to be spoilt by the little boy, who, we are interested to learn, was "named Johnny, after his father." But even Johnny failed to convert her, for as the narrator forcibly puts it, "she drank worse than ever," and the climax is told in the following words : rain. Our wants, like our com- A doorway will shelter Our companionship's dis- You ought to cost me But the tax collector, although he's a scraper, We live as we can, like honest chaps A mouldy crust we consider a feast; But pshaw! your fidelity doesn't deceive me And why I'll ne'er part with you briefly I'll tell you :- "FOR, OH, IT IS SUCH A NORRIBLE TALE.” Ir there are any clear-headed, intelligent men among the "Abstainers" they should really exercise their influence, and put a stop to the imbecilities which the contributors to the Temperance press perpetrate week after week, under the impression that they are benefiting the cause that they have espoused. Frenzied with temperance, these silly people rant and rave in a manner which must give unspeakable pain to the well-informed portion of the Temperance community. We gave, a little while since, a sample of the poetry with which these muffs propose to stimulate believers, and to convert heretics; here is a brief précis of the kind of prose anecdote which they imagine is calculated to wean a convivial man from his convivial ways. It is published in the Weekly Record, and is called "Nellie Hunter: a Sketch from Real Life." "Not four months since, a couple might have been seen travelling on one of our railways, a young married couple. Passengers, however, rarely looked at the gentleman, except to pity him. Their attention was wholly absorbed by the lady, who called incessantly for drink. At every station her husband was compelled to ply her with it, in order to obtain any degree of quietness; but as he did so, the silent tear would sometimes trickle down his cheek, telling eloquently of a tale of sorrow. I was puzzled every time the lady spoke. I seemed to have a dim recollection of the voice, thick and uncertain though it was. Presently I heard the gentleman call his wife 'Nellie.' Then it all flushed upon me, that it was Nellie Hunter, one of my former schoolfellows and young friends! But how had the fine gold become dim. I followed them to their destination, which I found was a house established for the cure and reformation of ladies addicted to habits of intemperance. There Nellie now lives, separated from all she knows. She is only twenty-seven years of age, yet she has drunk to such an extent that it is feared that she will fall a victim to softening of the brain. Nellie has fallen before the ruinous drinking customs of society, and therefore I would warn my young readers to beware." And then follows an appeal to the ladies of England to abstain from getting drunk, lest they follow in Nellie's footsteps. For aught we know to the contrary, the author's experience of young ladies may warrant him in considering this sort of warning absolutely necessary; but if so, we venture to think that he has been exceptionally unfortunate. As a rule, we are inclined to believe that young ladies of position are not raving drunkards; but, on the other hand, we may have been exceptionally lucky. But if the editor of the Weekly Record is under the impression that the publication of such blatant folly as the tale we have quoted will have any other effect than to bring ridicule on a really well-intentioned movement, he deserves to have his editorial stool plucked from under him. Answers to Correspondents. SIGMA, Cambridge.-A great improvement, but some of your lines still halt, and need, therefore, halteration. Go on and prosper! Do verse-and better. SCRUTATOR wishes to know if we will let him draw something for us. What is it? The cork of a bottle of the finest vintage? Speak, oh, cork-scrutator! AN ENQUIRER.-We have consulted Men of the Times, and learn that LINDLEY MURRAY was a City policeman, who acquired fame by always saying "Parse on." As nobody could tell whether it was a preposition or an adverb he was looked on as a profound grammarian. We cannot vouch for the truth of this story in all particulars. A PUMP.-The conjunction "ger' is the teetotal for "and." Thus by Gin-ger-beer the strictest teetotaller understands (and swallows) a judicious compound of the spirit of juniper with the decoction of malt The story opens at a date about twenty years since, and we there find little Alice Adams (a staunch teetotaller of seven, or thereabouts), prophetically endeavouring (but in vain) to induce one Nellie Hunter,-known to the profane as "dog's nose.' a young lady also of tender years, to join the Band of Hope-an institution which, we believe, was founded about fifteen years ago. The two girls grow up; Alice goes to India with her parents, and Nellie remains at home : "She was now in her teens, a tall, genteel-looking girl of seventeen. She had left school, and was supposed to be continuing her studies at home, and following out the train of education which had been commenced at school. Whether she really did so or not, however, we cannot say; she was absent from the family, and engaged in her own room, several hours a day, and her absence was supposed to prove that the said studies claimed her attention. Mrs. Hunter, however, saw, or supposed she saw, reasons for distrusting Nellie. Often when she made her appear ance at the dinner-table, her manners were deficient, her conversation wandering, and her accent thick. On such occasions she would plead severe headache, which plea would be generally entertained by the family." ΟΧΟΝΙΑΝ.—The words to which you refer-Πολιπύτθη κέτυλον -occur in the opening of a poem of ANACREON'S. O'F., Dublin.-Can't get the Index number? We point our index finger to the shop of MR. PLASTO, 144, Abbey-street. A YOUTHFUL ENQUIRER wishes to know why the Confederates required a Loan. Does not he know that they are so reduced in circumstances that they have since been compelled to enter the Union? S. CREWY.-We can't help you. If after taking what you consider a reasonable amount of liquid nutriment of an alcoholic character, you lose your legs, we can see no way to aid you. If you lost your upper limbs instead, MR. CULLETON, of Cranbourne Street, would probably be able to "find arms for you. OUR LIBRARY TABLE. SEVERE as were the trials to which Joв had to submit, there was one which he escaped, and from which even his patience might not have come out scatheless. He never was an inventor anxious to bring a valuable discovery under the notice of Government. Let any of our readers, who doubt this, read the pamphlet of Letters from Captain Cowper Coles to the Secretary of the Admiralty on Sea-going Turret Ships, and we feel sure they will agree with us. FROM OUR STALL. Caught in the Toils, the new piece at the St. James's, is exactly the sort of dramatic salad that is adapted from an excellent novel; that is, it is a series of effective incidents, cleverly contrasted characters, and well-arranged effects, but it is not a drama any more than four half-crowns, five shillings, eight sixpences, and three fourpenny pieces are a sovereign. MR. JOHN BROUGHAM'S Over-elaborate adaptation of MISS BRADDON's novel is worth seeing if only for the sake of those scenes in which MISS HERBERT appears. Her Julia Desmond is a thing to remember, and to be afraid of. As we saw and listened to her we were reminded of the lines from the child's story, "What gran'ma!" "All the better to tear you up with," &c. Then again we were reminded of the wife of Jason. Of the excellence of CAPTAIN COWPER COLES's turret-ships there does not exist a doubt among scientific men, and testimony to its merits has been borne by an American admiral, who had a practical knowledge of the value of iron-clads in the late war. But the Ad-great eyes you've got, gran'ma!" "What great claws you've got, miralty cannot yet be brought to recognize this fact-the only approach to such an acknowledgment on their part being that they have approved a bad and faulty imitation of CAPTAIN COLES's invention, which MR. REED, the Admiralty Constructor, proposed. This imitation, as the Captain predicted, has failed, and the Admiralty, with remarkable consistency, condemn the Captain's scheme, although the Royal Sovereign, in spite of all the official attempts to burke her, is a complete success. In this pamphlet CAPTAIN COLES having, with infinite difficulty and after incessant demands, obtained the adverse report of the Committee, examines the objections one by one, and applies them to the Pallas, MR. REED'S ship, as compared with a vessel built on his own plan, and then proceeds to point out their errors as far as concerns the latter. But as he fails to make reason heard by the dull, cold ear of the Admiralty, he appeals to the public. Unless we are mistaken, the result will be that MR. REED will be called to the bar of public opinion he has already had the unenviable distinction of being called to the bar of the House of Commons-and condemned, as all his ships ought to be, according to CAPTAIN COLES's proving. The question is a public one. The Navy Estimates are heavy, but the nation would not grudge the money if it could be sure it would not be misapplied, or that it was expended in endeavouring at least to obtain the best article by giving inventive genius a fair chance against official exclusiveness. Musings in a Music Hall. BY A YOUNG MAN FROM THE COUNTRY. Why do they, why do they, why do they yell? When a vulgar virago is singing her song, By" Whack fol the larity, larity, lay"? Oh, Golly-conda ! A RECENT number of the New York World furnished its readers with a tale of which a few extracts from the headlines will convey an epitome : "A Dazzling Discovery-Gold and Gems found by the Square Yard in Mount Cenis Tunnel-Work in the Tunnel Suddenly Suspended-France and Italy Dividing the Spoil-The Discovery Hushed up Official Prosecution of the Unwitting Aladdins-The Original Discoverer Murdered by his Fellows." Well! considering the amount that has been sunk there, it is no great wonder that a little gold should be found in the tunnel. TRES BON-NY. THE eldest daughter of the King of Bonny arrived in Liverpool last week, to undergo a course of French and English education. We understand his sable majesty's laureate has written an ode on the occasion commencing "Bonny lassie!" SLAP, BANG! FUN presents his compliments to the new appearances at the St. James's, and is happy to see them;-MR. WALTER JOYCE, MR. FREDERIC CHARLES, MR. BELTON, MR. DYER, and MR. WALTER LACY, and apropos des gants, he now admonishes his favourite child, WALTER LACY, to learn to keep on his hat sometimes, and to take off his gloves a little oftener. What is the use of a scene painter painting an exterior if MR. WALTER LACY as soon as he appears upon the stage doffs his Lincoln and Bennett as if he were entering a room? An Englishman's first impulse when he is excited, is to tighten his waistband and to take off his gloves. What should Frank Tredethlyn, when he finds his long-lost cousin, his "Syeusan," do with gloves? WALTER, we have spoken, and expect you to know better for the future. COLONEL STODARE ceases to be a conjuror and becomes a mere man When the gas is turned off, and the public are turned off; when like the rest of us; when CHANG, the great Chinese giant, relaxes from his dignity, and exhibits weaknesses in common with the smallest of humankind; when CHUNG Mow, the rebel boy, drops the buffoon, and sighs for the moon-faced beauties, and the gallant pig-tailed of his native land; when MRS. BROWN-our own MRS. BROWN-attired in a nightcap, with voluminous borders, and with her best front curled in papers with the words "ARTHUR" and "SKETCHLEY" in fine prominence upon her noble forehead, and with a flat candlestick in her hand, glares at MRS CHANG, and retires to rest;-what a strange place must the interior of the Egyptian Hall be? Dear reader, or if you be of the gentler sex, let me call you dearest reader (we are old and ugly, but "this heart can still, &c., these pulses can yet," &c.) you know what a valentine is, we mean one of the white lacery, tracery, papery, flowery, bowery sort of valentines, the kind of valentines that young men buy for HER. If you will go to the Egyptian Hall, into the room lately occupied by MR ARTHUR SKETCHLEY, you will see a platform fitted up after the fashion of such a valentine, the winged little cupids without knickerbockers excepted. The Queen Bee of this Point Lace Boudoir is MRS. HOWARD PAUL; and MRS. HOWARD PAUL when she appears as Miss Laura Dashaway is exactly the kind of being, whom, if she were a single lady, a young gentleman would wish to lead to that altar at whose foot waits one clergyman attended by several doves, and which you feel sure is situated behind the most distant lace curtain. However deeply you might fall in love with Miss Laura, the sight of the Unprotected Female would chill your heart, and turn your thoughts again to chambers, latch-keys, late hours, and liberty. Who is this lady fine, draped darkly, like the Tragic Muse ? She holds aloft a goblet containing what-poison or sparkling Burgundy? or both, for she sings a terrible anti-Bacchanal. The song of the Dream of the Reveller is a singular compound of teetotalism and tragedy. We do not like the song, but MRS. PAUL sings and acts it admirably. There is the classic attitude, the fearful repose, the weird light in the eyes, that tragic transparency and phosphorescent brilliancy that is evolved from the sacred fire that burns upon the other side of the eyebrows. Jemimer Lobb is the sort of servant girl that one sees early in the morning cleaning the doorsteps; and the other character-what a number of characters from her last place MRS. PAUL must have!-is Miss Amelia Gushington, a partner in a ball-dress, with eyes, arms, curls, neck, and shoulders to valentine, and this is the party and the costume to lead up to the altar. match, and apropos des allumettes, now the valentine stage looks like a After a brief space enter-possibly to ask for the honour of her handMr. Sims Reeves, face, voice, manner, musical execution, music sheet, moustachios, coat, and everything, exactly like the real MR. SIMS REEVES. MR. HOWARD PAUL appears in the entertainment, in several of these impersonations, which have been for some time stamped with public approval-Major Jonathan Bang, Mr. Rattleton Cheek, and Staley Mildew. He also sings a very effective sleighing song called "Over the Snow," and gives his famous representation of Old Roger Whitelock, set to one of OFFENBACH's sprightliest airs. He also is the Mr. Willie Spoonleigh whose heart has been captivated by the charms of Miss Laura Dashaway, and for whom is ordered an eccentric "How is it," asks a correspondent, "that most of the self-styled luncheon of goose, buns, and tea! Ye powers of digestion, what a 'Jolly Dogs' are such Jolly Young Puppies ?" repast! And what a dyspepsia must be in store for the consumer! |