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Act II.—A. Prison. Enter Ha WES (the Governor), a Jailbk, and Josephs, a convict

numbered 215. Jailer.—215 has blown his nose.

HaWes.—It's against the silent system, Cut off his gas.

Music—"The light of other days has faded." 215.—Oh, don't!

Hawes.—What! Dare to expostulate? Bread and water for seven years.' 215.—It's vory hard on a poor hoy, sir!

Hawes.—You scoundrel, how dare you? Take away his bed for ever!

Music—" In going to my lonely bed." 215.—Oh! sir. And all for stealing a potato! Hawes.—What again? Strait jacket for life! 21.5.—It's killing me, sir!

Hawes.—I know it is. It's the system. Give him nothing to eat any more, and strap him to a wall. [They strap him to a wall.

Music—" Stone walls do not a prison make." Enter a Curate. A Curate.—For shame! [Exit a Curate.

Hawes.—You are an interfering scoundrel. {Exit Hawes.

Music—" Pray Goody." Enter Tom Robinson, a Convict. T.'R.—I am confined in a stone cell, fastened with several gigantic bolts, and chains, but with the aid of a bit of string I can manage to ; of it whenever I please. Hero is a paving stone which has lidentally dropped in my cell. I will smash Hawes with it. Music—" Here in cool grot and mossy cell." Enter a Curate.

A Curate.—Don't..

T. R.—No, your riveronoe. [Exit a Curate.

215.—Oh! I am choking.

T. R.—I will set you freo! [Sets him free.

Enter a Curate. A Curate.—He is dying.

215.—It's very hard—they gave me soven years' penal servitude for stealing a potato! A Curate.—Repent your hideous crimes.

215.—I do! [Bedoes.

Enter Hawes. Hawes.-—He is shamming!

215.—I die! [Dies.

Music—"Death of Nelson."
A Curate.—Mr. Hawes, there is your discharge!
Hawes.—Discharged! and by a curate!

Tableau !—Music—" Fare thee well, and if for ever."

Act III.—Australia.

Enter Georob Fielding and Faithful Black. George.—I am unlucky. My sheep have the cattle disease.

Music—" When the heart of a man." Faithful Black.—Golly, massa, dat berry much rather dam unfortunate.

Enter Tom Roiunson, a Ticket-of-lcavc Man.
T. R.—Don't you know me?

Georob.—Yes, you are Tom Robinson, the desperate burglar.
T. R.—But you will love mo nevertheless?

George.—I will. [Loves him.

Music—" Love not—the thing you love must due." T. R.—There is gold on your estate. Let us find it! George.—We will.

Faithful B.—Golly, massa, black feller knows whero find big yaller stone. 'Pose black feller find yaller stone big as white feller's head, what'll white feller gib black feller? Yah! yah!

T. R.—If you find me a lump of gold as big as my head, I will (in a burst of generosity)—yes, I will give you A Box Of I.ucifer Matches! Faithful B.—Golly, golly! 'Pose you wait a bit, buccra massa!

[Finds a lump of gold, weighing several tons. T. R.—The matches are yours.

Music—" Tako, oh take."
Enter Cuawlby.

Crawley.—I have seen thom tako a nugget worth millions. I will steal it, and then George will not be ublo to marry Sewsan.

Music—" Wedding March."

Act IV.—F Arnborouoh. Scene I.—Meadows' Souse. Meadows.—I am going to marry Sewsan to morrow. I have stopped all George Fielding's letters, and spread the report that ho has married an aborigine.

Enter Crawley.

Crawley.—I have just returned from Australia. Fielding has found an enormous nugget, and is in this very village.

Meadows.—Confusion! Is it worth a thousand pounds?
Crawley.—He has sold it for seven thousand.
Meadows.—Then I will go and steal it from him.

Music—" Nix my dolly."
[A panel opens and Isaac Levi is discovered illuminated by lime light.]
Crawley.—Gracious; there is a ghost! [Panel closes.

Music—" A norrible tale." Enter Meadows, pale. Meadows.—There is the seven thousand. Take it, and go to France.

Crawley.—Yes. [Takes it, and goes to France.

Music—" Je vais revoir ma Normaridie."
Scene II.—The village, with church in the horizon.
Enter Sewsan.
Sewsan.—I am going to marry Meadows to day.

Enter Meadows.
Meadows.—Ah, Sewsan, come and be married!

[Enter lads and lasses. Church bells ring a merry peal. Enter George and Tom Robinson. George.—Not so. I am here to claim you, Sewsan! Sewsan.—But, perfidious fiond, you are already married! George.—No!

Sewsan.—Oh! [Falls into his arms.

Meadows.—Foiled! (To villagers) Tell thom to stop those infernal bells!

(The bells, which are several miles off, in an adjoining ■county, are stopped
Enter Poligbmak.
Policeman.—Meadows, you are wanted for stealing £7,000.
Meadows.—Ha! Prove it!

Enter Crawlsy, in custody.
Crawley.—He gave me the money.

Enter Isaac Levi. Levi.— Remark the determined behaviour of an implacable Israelite. He turned me from my home, so for seven years I have lived bricked up in one of tho walls with no other companion than a solitary but effective lime-light; and there I havo patiently awaited an opportunity for detecting him in his crimes. I saw hini give the notes to Crawley!

Tom Robinson.—That being tho case, it will at once be patent to everybody that

"It Is Never Too Late To Mend."


No better locality than tho Egyptian Hall could be found for the Sphinx. It would have been out of place in the Guildhall, or at the South Kensington Museum. In tho stone quarries of the British Museum it might have found an appropriate residence, and congenial society, but still the Egyptian Hall, Piccadilly, has about it a solemn air of architectural elephantiasis which reminds the beholders of Ptolemy, the Nile, papyrus, and mummies most especially.

Not that the Sphinx now exhibiting near St. James's Park has the remotest connection with that remarkable thing, which was either animal, vegetable, or mineral, or all throe combined, and which—if we remember rightly, had the head of an owl, the body of " comet" port, and the legs of an American abolitionist. On the contrary, the new Sphinx resembles a closely-shaved head of one of that ingenuous race spoken of by Mr. Disraeli as Caucasian, and known to tho observer unlearned in ethnology as sharp practitioners in tho negociation of bills, or the sale of old clothes, new lemons, sponges, French prints, and mosaic jewellery.

The new Sphinx lives, when he is at home, in a small green box, that Colonel Stodaue, the clever prestidigitateur, ventriloquist, and Bengal basketeer, places on a table, the legs of which are visible to the naked eye, as to the doublo-barrelled opera-glass. Tho spectator sees an Egyptian head, tho eyes and lips closed and compressed. At the word of command from the gallant colonel, given in tho trumpettone, which ere that gallant officer laid down the sword and took up the conjuror's baton, battalions obeyed, the Sphinx opens its eyes, turns its head from right to left, and smiles. Imagine a Sphinx smiling! The notion of the usual prim audience at Exeter Hall singing "Slap bang" would be nothing to it, and then it speaks, in a deep, measured tone, and with a cadence that would remind us of tragedians but that it emphasises the proper words, and seems to understand what it is saying. Why do they not engage it at one of our national theatres? Its performance is extremely meritorious, and short, and in the language of the ancestors of Artemus Ward, "well worth the money alone for to sec." We advise everybody to go and see it who is fond of Sphinxes, and it has this great merit over the Sphinxes of antiquity that it does not ask riddles, and eats nobody up, except with curiosity to know how it is done.



From an unpublished Edition of Lord Derby's Homer.*

Patroclus Bkdfordides, who among

The groves of Wohurn had been roared when young—

Those ancient groves of oak, where legends tell

A rustle breathed the name he loves so well—

Strode to the shield that mirrored back his charms,

And with assurance donned the hero's arms.

Ah, hapless youth, unused to arms like those,

Not such you wielded when you view your foes,

No sword and lance your right arm waved, but still

The bill—the whole bill—nothing but the bill.

In vain her warning wink Minerva plied,

Alas! the goddess ne'er had been his guide—

The nymphs of Woburn saw the sight with pain

And flooded with their tears th' adjacent plain.

First the huge breastplate on his breast he placed,

And then the backpiece, and together laced.

As in a wooden cone the Sandwich strides,

With puffing posters pasted on its sides,

While draughts about his lumbar regions play,

And pouring rain gets in the other way,

Because the wooden cone is all too wide—

So stood Patroclus, that cuirass inside!

Then raised the ponderous gleaming helm aloft

Whose tossing plume has terrified so oft,

In mortal combat the presumptuous foes—

And it descended to his lordly nose.

So have you seen upon tho mushroom wick

Of tallow dip, in a flat candlestick,

* It is generally supposed that his lordship has translated Homer in blank verse, bat this, as will be seen from our quotation, is an error.

The huge extinguisher at once descend,
And bring its feeble flickering to an end.

Next in its order carefully he braced
The sturdy falchion round his puny waist—
Thus, fully armed, equipped at every point,
No strap unbuckled and no gaping joint
The great Achilles he was wont to see—
But thought he graced the arms as well as he.
Meantime stout Hector, whom Achilles' might,
Had often made the unwelcome dust to bite,
Beheld Patroclus in such warlike gear,
Smiled in his heart and griped his cruel spear.


Here's a chance! What do our readers say to this?

SINECURE, £150 a Year. Consideration nominal.—Applications, by letter only, to Mr. M. P , Teddington, Middlesex.

Generous Mr. M. P.! He knows where a hundred and fifty pounds a year will bo paid a man for doing nothing and yet does not grasp it for himself, but nobly offers it to the world at large. Consideration nominal, indeed !—his consideration for the wants of others is remarkable, glorious, transcendental (whatever that means), and makes one almost believe in human nature. By the way Teddington is a fishing place and people, we have heard, catch flounders uiere. Now the flounder is a flat-fish.


A FARMEn, writing to a daily paper the other day, apropos of the Rinderpest, said,

"Sir,—It any one -wants to see the cow cured of the plague, please refer them to


Does he mean he is a cow, or is it only a bull?




Patroclus .. EARL E*SS*LL. | Hector .. ME. B. D«SR»»L*.


Of all the awdacious swindles as ever I know'd it's the wust, and as for law and justice why they'ro downright humbug, as the sayin' is, for whatever is tho use of a-goin' to law, as is only mado for to protect them thieves.

As to that old Mcdawdler, why if hangin' ain't too good for him my name ain't Maktha, for to como here a-cantin' and a-crawlin' and a-sayin' as he wasn't ono for to overcharge nor overreach thro' a-bein' constant at bis chapel, as I says to him, "You'd better prove by your actions than all your talk about thro' bein' a deacon, liko ono as I know'd as was tried at the Old Bailey hisself, and got fifteen yaar for forgerin', and Berve him right, as wronged tho widder and the orphan thro' his cantin' ways, as is the largo chapel down closo to where I lived in the Commercial-road, as you might hear the singin' clear of a summer evenin' a-settin' in my back garden, as is no doubt good sort of people, with the minister that fat as to make you think as it was easy times with him, tho' a large family, as was well brought up I should say, oxcept the boys, as was that wild, and I'vo heard say got out of a night thro' tho washus window a-goin' to plays and music halls after prayers, as is very proper things in their places, not as I hohl with crammin' too much down young people's throats, as is apt for to act deceitful, and all three como to the bad, as broke tho poor mother's heart, as some say did used to encourage them boys on tho sly unbeknown to the minister, as is a thing as will come homo to every mother as does it.

I'm sure when I Bco that old wagabono's bill, as were a ynrd long, I couldn't make nothin' on it till Bkown come in, as says as ho were a old Scotch cobbler, which if I'd a-know'dl wouldn't have had nothin' to do with him, for I can't a-bear them Scotch thro' not a-holdin' with foreigners of no persuasions, as is all alike, palaver to your faco and sov\lints all the while twistin' round your wery witals, as I've read about myself.

I'm sure there's no more to show for that twelve pounds, as I says to tho judge I says, "My lord," I says, "if you will but step down to my place," I says, "and judge for yourself as tho work is disgraceful and nothin' finished, and as to that washus shetter, why it's a downright defacement to the back premises, as is laid down in flags, with sixteen shOlin's for paintin' that waterbut, as runs disgraceful, a-keepin' the place a constant flood, and not able to cross without pattens."

But I know'd how it would be when he come in that evenin', decided a little on, a smilin' treacherous just liko them Scotch, and Bkown a-losin' of his temper and a-sayin' as he'd precious soon kick him out, as is hurtful to the feelin's, as I should not like myself; not as he did ought for to have summoned me liko that, as Bkown says, "Pay the old thief." But I says, "No," I says, "I givo the orders, and will seo 'em righted if I dies for it," as I nearly did, for of all the stifiin' places as ever I was in it was that court.

When I seo that 'oary-'eaded old Binner a-standin' there a-swearin' thriii falsehoods, it givo me that turn that I couldn't keep my temper. So I says to the party as were a-conductin' my case, as he called it, I says, "Excuse me, Hit. Opkins," as were his name tlu-o' bein' a

oung man at the hatever do you was only a lawyer after all, but that's the wust of them places, they do talk that rubbish a-purpose for to tako you in I believe. Well, as I was a-sayin', I says to Mu. Opkins, I says, "Excuse me, but that party is a mask of falsehood and deceits, as did ought to be put in tho pillery," as well I remembers seein' a indiwiddle exposed myself, as was hooted and pelted that dreadful, as served him right, not as I remembers what he'd done, but no doubt he was put there for his good behaviour.

As to that judge, it's my opinion as he wanted for to get home to his tea, for of all tho hurry and skurry as he kep' on a-miikin' seemed for to confuse everybody, and hearin' of different parties as kep' a-talkin', and as to that laundress havin' to replace them things, I calls it shameful, as she produced the little boy's nightgownd in court as yaller as a guinea, and tore down tho front, as I know they will do with their pranks, and says as all the linen was like that as she'd had cut from the back of the cart, as certainly was her own carelessness, but not worth a pound us they put it at, with a sick husband, and to have to pay it weekly presses hard when Saturday comes.

I Bee as that judge were a temper thro' havin' of red whiskers, as is in general a sign as you can tell, specially where it spreads to the nose, and the way he spoke to every ono it was downright disgraceful, and even a-tellin' old Mc-dawdler for to speak quick, as is impossible thro' that Scotch bein' that drawlin' stuff.

As to me, bless you, he snapped my nose off every time, as tried for t# pet in a word edgeways, as the sayin' is.

What aggrawated me most was my lawyer as set there quiet, and •wouldn't tell that old willin as he was a perjed ippercrit, as I kep' a-mnlgin' him for to do.

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Well, if this hero old ScoVh tWAfAJMJt liJrASI swear as I'd give him orders for a new safe, whereas all as I said was, "Hit. Mcdawdleh," a-treatin' him respectful, "if you was to put in newzinc sides to tho old one, and put it on four legs," thro' it bein' one for to hang up, as I hadn't no place for, "with a new shelf inside and tho bottom repaired, and painted fresh all over, why, it would do very well."

But when I como to see the bill I was sWMkdunib; member the timo as I give him the oid and pourin' with rain, and thro' a-seein' hini that i little sperrits thro' his bein' elderly, as the cold for to turn on me liko that, a-sayin' afore tho j a-settin' alone a-doin' of my drains, as mado t me up as I couldn't contain myself, as tho sayin'

So I ups and says, "Hy lord." "Set down,'

"I won't," says I, "for I've got a character,' own for to lose, and I ain't a-goin' to have my life swore awaj willanous old swindler." "Hold your tongue," says my IaV

"What," I says, "you turn agin me as I'm a-payin'out 01 _ pocket." "Turn that old woman out," says tin judge- a-f"rgcttin' hisself gross, as roused me up like a lion in King Daniel's den.

So I says, "You'ro a wile set of swindlin' thieves," I sflyfy "as is all of a piece. But," I says, "do your wust, and I've got friends as will Bhow you up." "Come out," says a party.

"Who are you a-talkin' to?" says I. "I'll pretty soon show you," says he; and if ho didn't bring in a policeman.

So I says, "My lord," I says, "lam a lady as is not used to be so treated." I says, "If I've hurt your feelin's," I says, a-bendin' like to him, when, law bless you, I was seized like tigers behind, and tore wiolent out of tho place.

It was all dono in a minute like, and out comes that lawyer chap a-scowlin' and says, "It's give agin you, as was your own fault thro' a-behavin' liko that."

"jLike what?" says I. "Why," he says, "insultin the judge, as it's well for you as it ain't the ono as is here in general, or he'd a committed you."

I says, "I should like to have seen him dare commit anything of the sort;" and if his expenses wasn't over a pound, and really I was more dead than alive, as the sayin' is, and it's lucky as I didn't get robbed, for tho place was filled with them low-lived characters as I can't a-bear to bo among.

What put me out was that lawyer's impudenco as told me that it was all my own fault as tho case was lost, a-sayin' as if I'd kep' quiet and spoke proper as somethin' would have been took off the bill, as I don't believe a word on, for I see as the judge were a-wotin' for old Hcdawdler all the time, thro' bein' Scotch hisself, as I was told afterwards, as will always stick together, and what ono says the other'll swear to, as can't be right.

As I told old Hcdawdleh, I says, for I met him as he was a-comin' out of that court a-grinnin' like a Cheshire cat, as the sayin' is, I says, "Ill-gotten gains blows nobody any good, and," I says, "you mark my words, if my money don't bring you sorrow by the ladlefull."

Little did I think as it was so soon to come true, not as I wished him any harm, not in my heart, only felt that wexed at bein' so done, and never should a-thought as he'd a-left the glue-pot a-bilin' in his workshop, as is gross carelessness, with the place that full of shavin's as burnt in course like tinder, and his little grandchild nearly a-perishin' in the flames, and him at his club, with his wife a-havin' a taBi with a neighbour when the flames busted out all over the place.

So you never don't ketch me a-prophecyin' no misfortunes to nobody no more, as might have fell on a innocont head, as was rescued by the fireman a-hearin' of its screams, tho' as to that old Mcdawdlek, they do say as he set the place a-fire hisself, as tho parties where ho was insured could a-proved in court, as he never dared to show his face thro' them judges a-knowin' no doubt, thro' the way he'd served me, as he was one as would swear anything, and went round for a subscription, a-sayin' as he'd lo6t all his toolB, as I'm sure was perfect useless, for of all the botchers as ever you see. But Bkown he says as it's all my fault a-follerin' the man about a-orderin' things, and I'm sure if you don't stand over them nothin' ain't done; so whatever are you to do, for if they don't rob you one way they will another.

To A Timid Okator.
I Cannot think what you intend
In saying you have not a friend—
Unless my sight, which is not short, errs,
While on your legs, you've two supporters!

Why should Chang be insured againBt hunger f—Because he can always manufacture a " chop."

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