MRS. BROWN ON THE COUNTY COURT. Or all the awdacious swindles as ever I know'd it's the wust, and as for law and justice why they're downright humbug, as the sayin' is, for whatever is the use of a-goin' to law, as is only made for to protect them thieves.

As to that old MCDAWDLER, why if hangin' ain't too good for him my name ain't MARTHA, for to come here a-cantin' and a-crawlin' and a-sayin' as he wasn't one for to overcharge nor overreach thro' a-bein' constant at his chapel, as I says to him, "You'd better prove by your actions than all your talk about thro' bein' a deacon, like one as I know'd as was tried at the Old Bailey hisself, and got fifteen year for forgerin', and serve him right, as wronged the widder and the orphan thro' his cantin' ways, as is the large chapel down close to where I lived in the Commercial-road, as you might hear the singin' clear of a summer evenin' a-settin' in my back garden, as is no doubt good sort of people, with the minister that fat as to make you think as it was easy times with him, tho' a large family, as was well brought up I should say, except the boys, as was that wild, and I've heard say got out of a night thro' the washus window a-goin' to plays and music halls after prayers, as is very proper things in their places, not as I hold with crammin' too much down young people's throats, as is apt for to act deceitful, and all three come to the bad, as broke the poor mother's heart, as some say did used to encourage them boys on the sly unbeknown to the minister, as is a thing as will come home to every mother as does it.

I'm sure when I see that old wagabone's bill, as were a yard long, I couldn't make nothin' on it till BROWN come in, as says as he were a old Scotch cobbler, which if I'd a-know'd I wouldn't have had nothin' to do with him, for I can't a-bear them Scotch thro' not a-holdin' with foreigners of no persuasions, as is all alike, palaver to your face and serpints all the while twistin' round your wery witals, as I've read about myself.

I'm sure there's no more to show for that twelve pounds, as I says to the judge I says, "My lord," I says, "if you will but step down to my place," I says, "and judge for yourself as the work is disgraceful and nothin' finished, and as to that washus shetter, why it's a downright defacement to the back premises, as is laid down in flags, with sixteen shillin's for paintin' that waterbut, as runs disgraceful, a-keepin' the place a constant flood, and not able to cross without pattens."

But I know'd how it would be when he come in that evenin', decided a little on, a smilin' treacherous just like them Scotch, and BROWN a-losin' of his temper and a-sayin' as he'd precious soon kick him out, as is hurtful to the feelin's, as I should not like myself; not as he did ought for to have summoned me like that, as BROWN says, "Pay the old thief." But I says, "No," I says, "I give the orders, and will see 'em righted if I dies for it," as I nearly did, for of all the stiflin' places as ever I was in it was that court.

When I see that 'oary-'eaded old sinner a-standin' there a-swearin' them falsehoods, it give me that turn that I couldn't keep my temper. So I says to the party as were a-conductin' my case, as he called it, I says, "Excuse me, MR. OPKINS," as were his name thro' bein' a lawyer, as they called a turney, as I says to the young man at the court, as says, "Where's your turney?" I says, "Whatever do you mean?" thro' never hearin' tell of them afore, as was only a lawyer after all, but that's the wust of them places, they do talk that rubbish a-purpose for to take you in I believe. Well, as I was a-sayin', I says to MR. OPKINS, I says, "Excuse me, but that party is a mask of falsehood and deceits, as did ought to be put in the pillery," as well I remembers seein' a indiwiddle exposed myself, as was hooted and pelted that dreadful, as served him right, not as I remembers what he'd done, but no doubt he was put there for his good behaviour. As to that judge, it's my opinion as he wanted for to get home to his tea, for of all the hurry and skurry as he kep' on a-makin' seemed for to confuse everybody, and hearin' of different parties as kep a-talkin', and as to that laundress havin' to replace them things, I calls it shameful, as she produced the little boy's nightgownd in court as yaller as a guinea, and tore down the front, as I know they will do with their pranks, and says as all the linen was like that as she'd had cut from the back of the cart, as certainly was her own carelessness, but not worth a pound as they put it at, with a sick husband, and to have to pay it weekly presses hard when Saturday comes.

I see as that judge were a temper thro' havin' of red whiskers, as is in general a sign as you can tell, specially where it spreads to the nose, and the way he spoke to every one it was downright disgraceful, and even a-tellin' old McDAWDLER for to speak quick, as is impossible thro' that Scotch bein' that drawlin' stuff.

As to me, bless you, he snapped my nose off every time, as tried for to get in a word edgeways, as the sayin' is.

What aggravated me most was my lawyer as set there quiet, and wouldn't tell that old willin as he was a perjed ippercrit, as I kep' a-nudgin' him for to do.

well."

pocket."

a-behavin' like that."

I says, "I should like to have seen him dare commit anything of the sort; " and if his expenses wasn't over a pound, and really I was more dead than alive, as the sayin' is, and it's lucky as I didn't get robbed, for the place was filled with them low-lived characters as I can't a-bear to be among.

What put me out was that lawyer's impudence as told me that it was all my own fault as the case was lost, a-sayin' as if I'd kep' quiet and spoke proper as somethin' would have been took off the bill, as I don't believe a word on, for I see as the judge were a-wotin' for old McDAWDLER all the time, thro' bein' Scotch hisself, as I was told arterwards, as will always stick together, and what one says the other'll swear to, as can't be right.

As I told old MCDAWDLER, I says, for I met him as he was a-comin' out of that court a-grinnin' like a Cheshire cat, as the sayin' is, I says, "Ill-gotten gains blows nobody any good, and," I says, "you mark my words, if my money don't bring you sorrow by the ladlefull."

Little did I think as it was so soon to come true, not as I wished him any harm, not in my heart, only felt that wexed at bein' so done, and never should a-thought as he'd a-left the glue-pot a-bilin' in his workshop, as is gross carelessness, with the place that full of shavin's as burnt in course like tinder, and his little grandchild nearly a-perishin' in the flames, and him at his club, with his wife a-havin' a talk with a neighbour when the flames busted out all over the place.

So you never don't ketch me a-prophecyin' no misfortunes to nobody no more, as might have fell on a innocent head, as was rescued by the fireman a-hearin' of its screams, tho' as to that old MCDAWDLER, they do say as he set the place a-fire hisself, as the parties where he was insured could a-proved in court, as he never dared to show his face thro' them judges a-knowin' no doubt, thro' the way he'd served me, as he was one as would swear anything, and went round for a subscription, a-sayin' as he'd lost all his tools, as I'm sure was perfect But BROWN he says useless, for of all the botchers as ever you see. as it's all my fault a-follerin' the man about a-orderin' things, and I'm sure if you don't stand over them nothin' ain't done; so whatever are you to do, for if they don't rob you one way they will another.

EPIGRAM.

To A TIMID ORATOR.

I CANNOT think what you intend

In saying you have not a friend-
Unless my sight, which is not short, errs,
While on your legs, you've two supporters!

WHY should CHANG be insured against hunger?-Because he can always manufacture a "chop."

and whose

THE DRAMA DEAD.

HERE now! let me be a little, for

my heart is dull as lead, Swift have I returned to London, and I find the Drama dead.

Pheasant covers,

croquétparties, I have left (and, ah! such eyes!)

Shouting, "Where is gay excitement ?" Echo simply "Where?" replies.

In the autumn towns provincial actors, ever active, quit, In the autumn youths lighthearted struggle to the stuffy pit.

Every autumn gloom and gaslight find us in dramatic mood,

London managers, in autumn, ought to bring out something good.

Is it well to make me savage? when you know I execrate Groans of a degraded drama which men call legitimate. Cursed be such social humbug, turning pleasure into painCursed be one weary evening when I slept at Drury Lane. Fails there yet another instance of a now degraded schoolTurn I then to that Princess's where "sensation" is the rule.

Better thou and I were eating young green peas with two-pronged fork,

Than beholding scenes disgusting-hideous nightmares born of pork!
Falsest of all fancy titles is the play, Love levels all.
Based on morals so degrading that one shudders in one's stall.
Never comes a point for ever wearily the speeches flag:
Tired's the word, till fustian passion brings Toм TAYLOR to his tag.
Once I bore it; all my nature fired by Ivan Khor's caresses,
Now, alas! my lovesome countess wears dilapidated dresses.-
I, to gaze at classic MENKEN, vacant of her woman's dress!
Shall I pin my faith to posters and a trumpeted success?
What is this? my wrath is heavy, think not I am turned a fool,
I have visions of a SOTHERN, and a too-long absent TOOLE.
Maybe I am termed censorious, that my growling is a bore,
Don't I love my CHARLIE MATTHEWS? don't I worship NELLY MOORE?
Comrades, leave me now a little, let me weep my drama dead,

"worth itself discloses

In pure chemicals for photographic purposes."

or we would give in extenso an ode which says:-
"Bees inspired MARO's classic song in Rome's meridian day,
And tipp'd the lips of PLATO as he in the cradle lay;

ST. AMBROSE and ST. CHRYSOSTOM have bees as attributes,

Bees have charmed bright lyres and themes and woke the sweetest flutes,
But now I strike a newer note and wake the loudest shell
For a hero rising into fame, unique of Clerkenwell."*

One quatrain, however, we must give our readers entire :-
"P.S.-I could not suspend even for an hour the forceful lyre,
Nor bid the muse rest with any degree of propriety,
Without a personal notice here of JOHN MOOR, Esq.,
Fellow of the Anthropological Society."

and another:

"I took some of his Shaving Cream once to SIR JOHN COLBORNE,
Who thanked me and ordered more from King-street in Holborn.
I consigned some to th' nephews of England's much loved primate,
They analyzed and found it fit for any climate."

If this is not poetry we should like to know what is. But our author's prose is very exalted too :

"P.S.-That glorious specimen of humanity, prince of millionaires, the Honourable BILLA FLINT, of Belleville, far-famed City of the Bay, would do well to use and by so doing generally introduce the products of into Upper Canada." He is full of information too-not only about the addresses of tradesmen, but on various topics:

"P.S.-Experiments made by me, in conjunction with a few scientific men, and what those observations demonstrated of what the Instrument is composed, etc., will be shortly published."

The following piece of information will be new to most people :

"JOHN CREIGHTON, of Kingston, C.W., he himself set up the poem written by me for that I suppose I must say--City, it having been a former capital of the province, a copy of which will be found in the British Museum."

We did not know the Museum contained a copy of the province of Western Canada. When our author says that some subjects are "too trady for a poem on Art," the reader will not be surprised to find how he can soar on the theme of biscuits :

"Maccaroons, Maizena, which doth ye Western Lands adorn,
Medium (9 kinds), Orange, Rock, Oriental, and Osborne,
With Presburg and Ratafias, the Minstrel might fill a

Vol., Hail Raspberry, Shrewsbury, Soiree, and Vanilla,

Plain Arrowroot, Albert, Brighton, those known as Brown College,
I ne'er saw them surpassed nor equalled to my knowledge."
These poems abound in classical and other references; the poet
wanders from the antique-

"Midst ærial revellings and pomp I did sight a
Transpaceous bridal train led by HIPPOLITA."

to the scientific

"Microscopic objects here the ardent minstrel sees, And Fossil Diatomaceæ from thousand localities."

the beautiful

"Aurora Borealis
Sent their flashing light through the dome of a fairy palace."
and the majestic-

"Careering now the muse of science rides on the western gale,
And entrances distant nations with the BROTHERS SMALE."

We congratulate the 19th century on having at last found its bard, who will, to quote his own words (applied to the Mayor of Buffalo),

"Clad in the deathless splendours of your poet's lay."

OUR LIBRARY TABLE.

Ir has long been a complaint that we have no epic poem of the 19th century. That complaint must cease now. The author of the Londoniad has supplied the desideratum of the age. This remarkable work gives "a full description of the principal establishments in the capital of England." It would appear at first sight that such a performance could be only a series of puffs of tradesmen, but a glance at it dispels any such idea; MR. JAMES TORRINGTON SPENCER LIDSTONE (he couldn't help being a poet with so many names) has exerted his muse on tradesmen who are not met with among the usual large and respectable advertisers, and the quality of his "poems" is such that it would be ridiculous to suppose any one would venture to offer such a poet any remuneration. Our space will unfortunately not allow us to quote largely from the Londoniad, or we would extract at length the praises of a firm of chemists who

"On the storm of competition looked calm and placid,
Known for the superiority of their Gallic acid."

Well might the inhabitants of Buffalo (including a plumber, a currier, an upholsterer, a lumberer, and a coachbuilder) present this great man with an address when he withdrew from among them!

"P.S." (to borrow a figure the bard loves).-We see it stated on the cover that the book "contains pieces of some of the most celebrated personages in the United Kingdom"-as we don't find them in our rectify this-we should like our piece out of a living celebrity, copy, we suppose they must have fallen out. Perhaps the author will à l'Abyssiniene. We see he has cut up a few tradesmen-probably those who wouldn't pay for a puff-we beg pardon, a blast on the trumpet of fame, but he needn't send a slice of them.

the House of Lords.

CLARENDON.-Yes. You don't object to smoking, by the bye, do you? You do? Pity; you shouldn't. Yes; we are strong especially at the Foreign Office.

RUSSELL. True; and I shall look in occasionally and write a little despatch myself.

CLARENDON (Sotto voce).-The deuce you will!

SOMERSET. Then we couldn't be better off as regards the navy. RUSSELL.-No. By the bye, of course, I shall often drop in at Somerset House. You know that joke of SYDNEY SMITH'S? Channel fleet, and so on? But, quite seriously, I have long wanted to have a little to do with the management of the iron-clads. I flatter myself

SOMERSET (sotto voce).—Yes; it's a way you've got! DE GREY.-The War Office, I take it, is all right. RUSSELL. Couldn't be better. By-the-bye, I've got a few alterations to make in the Articles of War. I'll take Pall Mall on my way

home.

GRANVILLE.-When they do agree, their unanimity is wonderfuland apropos des bottes, I wish you'd all dine with me on Monday. Delighted to see you, I'm shaw. Picked up an idea or two in Paris, by the bye, that I rather think you'd like, CLARENDON. Illustrious personage gave me some wonderful weeds. Delighted to offer you one, I'm shaw, only RUSSELL don't like smoking in business hours. He's quite wrong!

RUSSELL.-Really, my dear GRANVILLE, this desultory conversation is quite contrary to all precedent. Do you imagine that the late MR.

BURKE

GRANVILLE.-Connu ! I beg pardon. Pray proceed. RUSSELL. I am obleeged. Oh! yes. I was going to observe that we are terribly weak in the Commons. Of course I can help, administratively; but what we want is debating power. GLADSTONE.-Deeply impressed with the necessity of concord at such a crisis, I would echo your lordship's remark—We do! SIR GEORGE GREY.-I can really see no reasonGRANVILLE.-Just so, you know. That's exactly what the people complain of?

SIR CHARLES WOOD.-Well, for my own part, I don't knowRUSSELL.-Quite true, CHARLES; but I'll attend to the real business of the India Office myself.

WOOD (delighted).-Will you, though? Well now, that's what I call really kind; for what with the war in Bhootan, and what with the caves of Elephanta, and what with the ryots, and Rohilcunds, and palanquins, and sirdars, and what with LAWRENCE always complaining that I interfere with his policy, when goodness knows I really mean no harm, and what with Cape Comorin, and

DUKE OF ARGYLL.-Has it never occurred to this assembly that the true panacea for the troubles of Hindostan would be to have at the India Office a statesman young in years, but old in experience, a contributor to Good Words, and a countryman of the late LORD CLYDE

RUSSELL.-No, I confess it hasn't. At least, not to me.
GLADSTONE.--I think we shall get on capitally together! No, nor

to me.

RUSSELL.-Well, we must look out for some new recruits. GREY.-Excellent! I happen to have a relation whoGLADSTONE.-No, hang it all! I beg pardon-but that won't do. JOHN BULL'S pretty patient; but he wouldn't stand any more of that! Now; you must get new men: men with brains-no offence, Woon.

WOOD.-Oh, no, quite the contrary. The remark couldn't apply to

me, you know; for what with land-settlement and what with

GLADSTONE.-Exactly. I mean men like GoSCHEN, like Forster, like STANSFIELD; aye, or MILL himself, if he'd serve. We want to get the whole brain of the country with us.

RUSSELL.-There is, undoubtedly, great advantage in community of action; and if you like, GLADSTONE, I think I have a few notions about the next Budget that perhaps

GLADSTONE.-Well, we'll talk of that by and bye.

A MISNOMER.

A NEW Omnibus has made its appearance under the name of "The Volunteer." We cast a glance inside it the other day, and there we saw-a dozen pressed men!

IN THE MATTER OF OLD AGE.

BEING A LETTER TO A YOUNG NOBLEMAN OF SEVENTY-THREE.

MY DEAR JOHN,-Old age is venerable, and there is often much moral beauty in grey hair.

called to a very high office, which you have accepted with that In accordance with the traditions of our people, you have just been generous alacrity which invariably distinguishes you on such occasions. It is delightful to know that the event has called forth a remarkable exhibition of self-sacrifice on the part of younger politicians. It must be charming to you to witness such civic virtue as that of MR. GLADSTONE, the more especially since it has been very profitable to yourself. Abnegation, self-sacrifice, these are qualities which I presume to be unnecessary in a man of seventy-three; but, oh, how fortunate it is for you that they have been displayed by a man of fifty-six.

Personally, I can't help wishing that MR. GLADSTONE had been a little more selfish, and I am inclined to fancy that the country at large is very much of my opinion; but it is, of course, consolatory to know that we are again ruled by a scion of the historic house of

RUSSELL.

When a RUSSELL loses his head-pardon me, I am not alluding to a certain plenipotentiary who went to Vienna, but to your ancestor LORD WILLIAM, who perished on the scaffold in the cause of English liberty after amicably accepting money from the King of France.— When a RUSSELL, I say, loses his head, that article is adroitly picked up by his clever survivors, who use it very much after the manner of the Anthropoglossos.

Bedford.

LORD WILLIAM has been useful, I take it, to LORD JOHN; nor has that statesman suffered from his connection with the ducal house of But even on your own account you have rendered the country certain noble services, which I should be very sorry to forget. exactly a sufficient qualification for the Premiership? I only want to ask you whether you think, yourself, that seniority

is

Because, if it is, you know, we must again put faith in octogenarian admirals and generals, whom we were rather getting to distrust; we must keep the younger men down; and I am not sure whether we ought not to insist that MR. WILLIAM HARRISON is our ablest English tenor-which I deny!

I don't deny your achievements with regard to the Reform Billyou are an "institution;" you are a fine old crusted Whig; and I respect you, as I respect the barons who won Magna Charta. But if DE MONTFORD had survived to the present year of grace, 1865-nay, if even LORD SOMERS had done the same-I doubt whether I should

think either nobleman the best man for Prime Minister now.

And, my dear LORD RUSSELL, the world is moving rather swiftly, as I am informed. Stage coaches, I am credibly given to understand, have been superseded by railways; the electric telegraph has come into active operation; and QUEEN ANNE is really dead. I doubt whether you are accustomed to bear these facts sufficiently in mind. You have a man of genius for your subordinate, and you may, therefore, succeed. Only I don't quite like your relative positions. boy; you, yourself, at seventy-three, can hardly be considered as MR. GLADSTONE, at fifty-six, can hardly be considered an inexperienced quite in the full vigour of manhood.

I wish you well; and I am going to offer you, with all due deference, a little advice.

Do you remember why, when your first ministry fell, no man said party, much to the delight of the ELLIOTTS and the GREYS, but a good "God bless it?" It was because you had made it simply a family deal to the detriment of the British Empire.

You must learn, then, I fancy, to enlarge the circle of your sympathies. Have you any recollection of ever leaving your colleagues in the lurch? Do you remember that you were, for a considerable time, the most heartily abused man in the United Kingdom? You must learn, my lord, to be faithful to your friends. Do you remember the expression, "Rest and be thankful"? I am

inclined, myself, to alter the spelling of that famous phrase; and to say that unless you recommence as a Reformer, those very rights, which are now denied to them, the people will Wrest-and Be Thankful!

Pray ponder upon these matters. Be a little less exclusive. Talk Refrain from less of the Test and Corporation Acts, &c., &c., &c. Do not try to Volunteering snatches of political autobiography. thwart the infinitely greater man who has consented to hold office under you; and although even then I doubt whether you are the best man to be Premier, you shall have, my lord, what is called "a sincere but a disinterested support" from Your candid counsellor,

FUN.

I forbid your offering any appointment whatever to LORD AMBERLEY.