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guidance of a Charles "wood—there, gentlemen, I think that's the host plan for us, eh P No case for the defence; ahuse the plaintiffs attorney; is it not so P

C'ran Borne.—You don't seem to have cared to say anything which might lead to a personal encounter between yourself and Gladstone —how's that P

Disraeli.—Perhaps I had my reasons! At any rate, we've no policy and no cry. Unfortunately, nobody believes that the man you named means to rob tho Church; in point of fact, some people appear to think that his piety is rather more sincere than my own.

Derby.—By Jove, yes! I beg your pardon, Dishaeli. You were saying?

Diskaeli.— Sufficient for the day is the evil thereof. I're nothing to propose, I know that. Possibly Bulwer may, he's a man of genius, qwmd mhne!

Sir. G. E. L. Bulwer Lttton {after Jive minutes of intense and moody deliberation).—The Truthful and the Beautiful are One!

Malmeshuiit, Pakington, Walpoxe, General Peel, Noiithcote, "whiteside, Caihns, Cranborne, Uohert Montagu, &c, &c.— Adjourn, adjourn!

Derby.—All right. Personally, I don't care two pins about office. I'd rather not have it—I want to get on with the Odyssey; but I'll do the best I can. Though, by Zeus, you are a rum sort of team 4to drive! Next week, then P

Omnes.—Agreed, agreed!

Newdegate {/tith solemn earnestness).—I have listened to a lot of profane rubbish about the heathen mythology; I have heard a jocular allusion to tho Man of Sin; my feelings as a Churcluimn have been outraged by a Hebrew Jew; and a nobleman, from whom better things might have been expected, has incidentally alluded to me as

an old ram. If you ever see me here again I wish I may

Scene Close*.

SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.

Failure Of Gladiateur. The Prophet Under A Clovd And A
New Aspect.

Bermondset.

Revered And Honoured Editor,—It is of no use attempting to deceive you, Sh-, and the old man will not try such. Sir, he has lost enormous!

The sox has always been peculiar fatal to Nicholas, and, figuratively speaking, it is again a woman's hand that deals the avenging blow, alluding, of course, to Gardevisure, the mare that won the Cambridgeshire on Tuesday fortnight. You may have noticed he was absent from your columns in Numbers 24 and 25; in fact, I have a rather harsh and vituperatory letter from you to that effect;' but, Sir, revered and honoured Mr. Editor,2 the fact is, the Prophet was out of town, and up to hie old games. What's bred in the bone, Sir, will come out in the flesh; and despite his ample recent means, when once you're been a tout, a tout you'll ever be; and he was hanging about the stables just aa in the old days; and the cold getting into his head, not to speak of whiskey and water affecting him more than it did before he generally could partake of sherry-wine when be liked, the old man, Sir, overslept hisself,3 and was too ill to send his usual countrybution.

I wouldst, Sir, that this were the worst! But no! tho Star of Nicholas have set, perhaps to raise no more; and Newmarket Heath has been his Waterloo, not from the point of view of tho late occupant of Apsley Houso, but more Napoleonic in its character.

It is easy to say, after the event, "Why did you go and do so, oh Nicholas, you good but fond old man?" Why? Because I had a blind faith in a noble animal; because Jennings himself said, " He'll do it, Mister N., if they was to put a Pickford's van on the top of him!" because the Count De Laorangb said, with his own lips, "Coorage, mong voo!" Sir, my belief in Gladiateur was almost idolatryastical! It was vainly they told mo he couldn't do it with 9 stone 12; your Nicholas put the pot on heavy, and is now, speaking comparative, an abject pauper and a broken-hearted ruinous old man! It's lucky for me as Pre no one to come after me, in the way of children at least (there are a good many after mo in another way), former allusions to olive-branches having only been hypothetio and good-humourous.

On the morning of the race I was so sanguine that I burst into song. You may like, Sir, to hear the plaintive warble, even now, of a broken-hearted minstrel's loot:—

Gladiateur, Gladiateur,
Go it, my pippin! Your victory's sure!

Gladiateur, Gladiateur,
You ought to be painted by Rosa Bonheur!

Gladiateur, Gladiateur,
Look at him racing along!

Look at him? I did. Those old eyes, that are now bedewed with
Sorrow's honest juice, saw him—and where was he? Where was he f
He was Nowhere! That's whero ho was!

On the course I had met your young French countrybutor, Moosoo Jban Godln. It's little enough he knows about racing, though than whom perhaps I am sure a more affable gentleman; but he began a-declaiming against insular justico and narrow minded jealousy Britannic, at which I offered to punch his head, and would have done such had it been twenty years ago when more suitable to your Prophot's period ;4 but I found he was only grumbling about the 9 stone 12, so I shook hands along of him sewer le shone/, as we say at Paris; and when, being a little down upon his luck financially, though than whom perhaps I never saw a brighter necktie or a nattier pair of lavender kid gloves upon a human frame, it was not in the heart of your Prophet to refuse him a couple of glasses of sherrywine, besides lending of him half-a-quid.6

Do you remember—very likely not, for you know no more than a babe just unborn about sportive matters,6 though the best of editors and the most indulgent of masters I am sure—rto you remember the odds that wcro laid against tho winning mare, Gardevisure P They were 33 to 1.

Murder will out. They were laid ly Nicholas!

There. I feel easier in my mind after the confession. Ruin (again speaking comparative) stares me in the face with a vulgarity of aspect to which the contemptuous expression of unpaid landladies in former years was Kimmel's fountain to a rotten egg; the colossal edifice of Prophetic Wealth is rudely shaken by the breeze of Adverso Fortune; hut this emotion unbecomes a Nicholas, who, if he have known better days have also known worse, and was never ashamed of honest Poverty7, whatever may be said by the penB of the detractorial.

I have thought it quite as woll not to go back to Belgravia just at present. The fact is, that a little seclusion will do mo no harm, so shall lie by and try to pull it off over the Liverpool Cup. Ho has always borno a honest name, praise bo; and if the worst comes to tho worst he has still his abilities as a public writer to fall back upon. Mas. Ciupi-s, the landlady, has got me a lifo of Sir Walteu Scott, Baronot, from tho circulating library round tho corner, and it almost brings the tears into a poor ruinous old Prophet's eyes—thankye, Mas. Cripps, yes; a little more sugar in it this time, pleaso '."—to read how that good and great man paid off his debts by his novels. And will write one himself against any Prophet of his ago or size bar none! Well, well, it's a long lane that's got no turning; and yvhat says the classic bard, as I heard him quoted by an affable young gent from Cambridge College on the Heath itself P—

How d'ye p my eye! Crass Tibby !* Thanks much, my dear Mrs. Cripps. If the oiler of a old man's heart and hand10—where the deuce is Mrs. Criits? Shall make up to old gal, hang me if I don't. My clothes is all right; and still I looks the cynicsure of fashion with my light autumnal overcoat;" and, I say, Mas. PunCripps I mean—if a old man's honest hadoration, if a fond heart's gentle throb, if—oh, I say, old boj-, of course you won't print this, which is purely confidential—can't write any mora to-night—sight's not what it was, you know—only I was a-thiuking, Sir, you might havo it put in large type as I sent you Gardevisure For Absolute Winner, only you was out of town, and so such never saw the light ;u but anyhow you'll not desert tho old one in his adversity P You'll keep him on, noblo Captain, as your Sportive Editor P Eh? Thankyo; there's a dear good soul, Mrs. Cripps 1 If a old man's fervent—but will now conclude.

So no more at present from, yours,

The Ruinous Nicholas.

P.S. 1.—You don't happen to know Moosoo Godin's address, do you, SirP13

P.S. 2.—I have a good thing for next year's Derby.

Editorial Notm.
1 We limply gave expression to a very natural feeling Of

a This servile adulation will do Nicholas no good.
9 The old man ought to have known butter.

* We are afraid that the old man is given to be " vanity-glorious."
''M. Godin has sent us quite a different account of this little
« Don't you be loo sure of that, «M man!
Perhaps because he never tried it

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THEATRICAL NOTE.
By A Sage In The Streets.

Slight changes make great differences. "Dinnor for nothing" is very good fun, but you ean't say as much of "Nothing for dinner."

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GARRISON TOWNS.

Brother Frank (an impertinent little Cornet of Cavalry loquitur):"hullo, Motkeb, I See You've Been Advertising! Agae* Fob

THE GIRLS."

Mamma :—" What Do Tou Mean, Frank?"

Frank (reads newspaper):—" Why Look Here. 'Officers supplied with the hest description of barrack furniture, warranted superior quality, very portable, and lower in price than hitherto charged for these articles. N.B.—The stock must be got rid of.'"

RENT SERVICE.

The City Solicitor and the City Remembrancer have just got through the annual imbecility of "accounting as to rent services due to the Crown, to be rendered on behalf of tho Corporation of London." We understand that the following form was employed on the occasion:

Queen's Remembrancer.—How do you do, Mr. Solicitor?—Mr. City Remembrancer, I am glad to see you. Now suppose we get through this bit of tomfoolery as quickly as possible, eh?

City Solicitor.—By all means, Mr. Queen's Remembrancer. Fire away.

Q. R.—Now for the proclamation. "Tenants aud occupiers of a piece of waste ground called tho moors, in the county of Salop, come forth and do your service."

City Remembrancer (to City Solicitor).—Now, Nelson, go on.

C. S.—All right. Here! (Aside).—Where's tho fagot?

Q. R.—Hero, Mr. Solicitor, is the fagot, here is tho hatchet, and there the bill-hook.

C. S.—Oh, I perceive. Now, what am I to do with these things?

Q R.—Oh, just chop at the wood with each instrument.

C. S.—What preposterous bosh! Here goes. (Chops.)

Q. R.—That's it. Now for tho Forgo business.

C. R.—Will you read the proclamation, Mr. Queen's Remembrancer?

Q. R. (reads.)—"Tenants and occupiers of a certain tenement called the Forge, in the parish of St. Clement's Danes, como forth, and do your service!" Ha! ha!

C. R.—Now, Nelson, at it again.

C. S.—All right, Corric, don't put mo out. Here!

Q. R.—Now for the service.

C. S.—What am I to do?

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OR, WHAT MAY'BE GOT OUT OF THE HEAD OF THE GOVERNMENT.

MRP. BROWN ON GUY FAWKES.

I'm sure it's a wonder as I'm alive to tell the talc, that it is, and I do think as to Mrs. Giddins she must have a charmed life, as the savin' is, as a cat's is nothin' to, for I see her a mask of flames myself a screaming in her pattens with them things a blazin' all around, and if it hadn't been as I throw'd a pail of hot suds all over her, ashes she must have been. And to think as it Nv.is all thro' them hoys a-darin' for to make a bonfire in that field at the back aa Mr. Walker encouraged 'em in, thro' koepin' of a school with a tar barrel rolled all along the road by them roughs, as it's a mercy no horses wasn't frightened as well I remember 'nppened in the Bow-road one timo aa was nearly my death, thro' tho fright as I got a meetin' them boys with those masks and lettin' off a cracker lighted under me, and nevor left my room again till our Luer was six weeks old. But it so fell out as it come on a Sunday and was kep' of a Monday, as is ridiculous altogether, as I says to Mr. Walker as keeps the school, as called about the accident. I Bays, " Whatever is tho use of teaehin' a lot of boys for to insult other parties as tho' Irish is their elders and I'm sure as their feelin's liko Ilesh and blood." "Oh," says ho, "down with tho Pope."

I says, "certingly if ho have done what is wrong as can be provod, let him bo punished, but not," I says, " with squibs and crackers, a-frightenin' parties to death and don't do him no harm, a-livin' over there. But," I says, "tho Pope won't pay mo for them things as is consumed," I says, "and you must."

Well ho up and talked a-deal of rubbish, a-sayin' as I didn't ought to have washed on tho fifth of November, as I says, excuso me it wero the sixth, and I'm not a-going for to go beyond a month for all your Guy Foxes as ever lived, but," I says, "tho way as they're hunted down after death is disgraceful." Ho says "It's a glorious ifnadversity."

I says, "That's what may happen to any one, and didn't ought to be throwed in their teeth," as that cracker was in mine just a-oponin' of tho garden door for to tell them boys to be carefid how they throwed their squibs about my linen, as they kep' a-lettin' 'om off long aforo it was dark. I says, " Mrs. Giddins, p'raps it will bo as well for to have that large sheet in," I says, " and dry it by the fire, as the clothes horse will hear."

So she steps out for to get it and gethers it up in her arms, n-hen if a squib didn't come, full but, on to her, sheet and all, she unawares thro' being partly covered in it. I opons tho wash door for her, and there she was like a fiery apparition, and but for tho copper being that handy I never should have put her out in this world, and it's a mercy as the water was not a-bilin' or I should have scalded her to death a-tryin' to save her from a fiery grave, as the sayin' is; and as it was, her cap was burnt to her head, and her eyebrows that scarified as I didn't hardly know her.

As luck would have it Brown had just como in, and hearin' the noiso opened the washus door just as my cap took fire, as ho very nigh strangled me a-tearin' off, and throwed, with my hair and all, bang into the wash tub, as will never curl up no more to look decent in.

Of all the agony as ever I felt it was Mrs. Giddins a-standin' with all her weight on my foot with her pattens on, as I thought sho'd cut clean in half thro' givin' a stamp that wiolent in her torrors as was nat'ral in fire as I'm sure I foel myself, and even dumb creatures can't face, as well I remembers all tho horses bein' burnt in the brewery at Stratford, as their screams was heart rendering as nothing •wouldn't induce for to face the flames thro' a smellin' it even with their heads in sacks; and tho engines a-playin' all tho timo, tho' I'm sure one of them streams of water would bo as bad to me as tho firo, thro' a-comin' with that forco for to knock any ono down, as happened to a aunt of mine a-passin' down thro' Westminster when they was only a-practisin' and not mcanin' no harm, but she come sudden round tho corner for to gat it right in her chest as rolled her over and over •with her anclo sprained and her elbow put out, as walked lame to hor dyin' day.

As to them fire escapes they certainly aro wonderful, tho' for my part I'd as soon slide down a factory chlinbly as they looks like, tho' I've heard say as the firemen is wonderful a-grapplin' with you at the bottom, as saved old Mr. Audln as kep' the "Risin' Sun" with a clump foot, as was a hard drinkin' man, and the cause of tho fire thro' a-puttin' the candle nndor tho bed; and must have perished with the door locked but for them firemen as bust into the window and a-graspin' on him by his clump as he'd gone to bed in unawares, and pitched him head-first down tho' tho escape, and was saved at the bottom by tho man as was a-waitin' for him in a leather bucket of cold water, as cured his drinkin' for he put his other hip out and was a helpless cripple, and Mrs. Ardin nussed him, and never would allow hftn more than three glasses of sperrits and water of a night to his dyin' day, and being retired from tho public line, as that firo took 'em out of, he didn't got the chance on, tho' never in my opinion a-payin' business thro' old Ardin havin' lots a-friends as stepped in for to take a drain,

as tho sayin' is; and being insured heavy come out with a independence, and her a-havin' a-somethin' of her own.

If you'd seen my garden tho next morning and tho field as them hoys had had their fireworks in, you'd have said as thcre'd been a fiery snow stoim, and the grass all burnt in a black ring where tho bonfire was. I novor slept a wink all night for thinking as fire might break out, and Brown had burnt his hand with my cap, as raw potato scraped give liim ease.

Poor Mrs. Giddins, she wont homo more dead nor alive tho' she did have her Bupper and a good allowance hot forto keep up her spirits as had received a great shock, but she come tho noxt day all right, and Brown's burn wasn't much, so we had reason to be thankful except for the sheet as was cinders and a large hob in the counterpane as is my best, things as I did ought to have had washed up bofore, only thro' moving was throwed out everyway.

But when that schoolmaster come in, as is a white-faced soapylooking chap in a whito stock, as I'm told is a tyrant to the boys, and says as he wishes to act becomin' a Christian, tho' accidents will 'appen in the best of families, as is a excuse 1'vo heard give for goings on as I don't hold with, I says to him I says, "Them boys of yourn did it a purposo for to aggrawate mo, for I spoke to 'em over tho wall twice a-standing on them short steps as I hangs out with, and one on 'em shied a empty squib at me and encouraged the others for to call mo a reglar old guy, and certainly I did forget as I had my night cap on with a handkercher tied over it, as was the reason of their jeers."

What I do not hold with is that sohoolmaster's ways, as is mean, for I will inako him pay Mrs. Giddins for the fright if I gets nothin' for that sheet.

He como a deal of palaver as don't go down with mo nor Brown neither, for he was come in first aforo the schoolmaster and pretty, soon settled his rubbish about the Pope, for ho says, " You leave him alone and he won't interfere with you." Says the schoolmaster, "He will."

I says "Go on with your rubbish; however can he f" "Why," he says, "he'll undermind the constitution."

"Well," I says, " you don't look delicate, but if you was to ask my opinion you only wants plenty of exerciso for to keep you in health, and not to eat too much,"—'havin' heard say, thro' Mrs. Giddins, as he was a hog to eat, and special them hot suppers when the boys w;ia a-bed, and a-sendin' the husher in bread and cheese to the schoolroom.

Well ho talked a good deal of rubbish, and at last ho pulls out a couple of shillins and says, " I think this will be quite sufficient for tho washerwoman," and he says, "anything in reason I'll pay for your linen, my good woman."

So I says, " My good man you'll please for to pay five-and-twenty shillin's for my quilt as is as good as new, and tho first time of washin' as cost thirty, and that large linen sheet fifteen shillins won't replace as I can prove to you by the fellow as is down Btairs, and half a yard shorter thro' bein' tho bottom one." "Well then," ho says, "p'raps I'd better speak to my solicitor."

I says, " Speak to any one you pleases, but I tell you what it is, if you give me any of your airs and rubbish I'll pretty soon summons your boys for lettin' off fireworks in tho public ways, and," I says, "two shillins for that poor woman, as would hardly replaco hor cap, let alone the fright, won't never do."

So out ho walks, very grand and protrudin', all down tho steps without sayin" good ovenin'; but his good lady come in early next day and made it all square, as the sayin' is, being a party a3 is sharp, tho' I soon found out as they was going to mako the hoys pay for tho damage out of their weekly pocket money, as is a mean action, hut jest like them schoolmasters, as I've knowod myself charged seven shilling for shoe strings.

But all I've got to say is as no doubt Gut Fox was very wrong in tryin' for to let them fireworks off under Parliament, and as to his blowin' up the royal family, why it's out of all reason. But why other parties should he set in fiames every year in remembrance on him I can't think, as was a good-for-nothin' wagabone as the sooner he's forgot the better.

Literary Note.

People have been greatly puzzled to understand the changes in the name of the firm of Longman. Once there was a Brown, and than there was a Grebn. But now the mystery is explained—there is a T)trh in the firm.

AMUSEMENT FOR SHORT MONDAY MORNINGS.

Batches of new games are advertised with a frequency which denotes great love of change among the industriously idle classes. In one very recent batch we find a game with the rather startling, not to say morbidly sensational title, " Capital Punishment." Nice sort of thing this for introduction into quiet, respectable families. Though a game so denominated may be capital punishment, we are very much inclined to doubt its beingLcapit«l fun.

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