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CRINOLINE GOING OUT OF ENGLAND.
Scene.—The Antwerp boat.—Time —Sunrise. You see, the fact is those sleeping-boxes on board ship are so small the darlings were obliged to hang up their crinolines in the cabin last night,
and the stewardess hasn't come to distribute them again.
A SENSATIOW NOVEL.
By A Small Boy.
We meet at the Hick's, Jane Reid and I. On Twelfth Night. I love Jane Reid as soon as I see her. She is tall, grandly tall, graceful, dark, with big rolling eyes. She is older than I: in point of fact she is twentyseven. I forgot to say that I am nine. I dance twice with her; I fight James Jones for her, and I thrash James Jones, though he is ten-and-ahalf, and in trowsers. I give Jane Reid a harlequin off the Twelfth Cake. She does not eat it. Agony! She observes my sorrow and asks its source. I tell her. She pleads that it will disagree with her. So it will! I see it all! Rapture!
Our loves progress. James Jones has gone to school. I am to remain at home and have a governess. Poor James Jones! I have not yet declared myself, but we, that is Jane Reid and I, understand each other. On the fourteenth I send her a valentine—an original one. It is to the following effect:
11 Friendship fills the heart with love and admiration;
It should have been "happy," but no matter. It must not be supposed that I was going to leave her because I bade her adieu. I used the word in i poetical sense. I watched her as she opened it. She laughed—with joy, ao doubt. Darling girl!
Thunder! Our dream of bliss is destroyed. I hate Jane Reid. I loathe, I detest the false-hearted tigress. This is strong language from one so Young, but no matter. I will have her blood! Why'( Listen. She has 'lapped me!!! Why? For tearing her dress out of the gathers. In point if fact I was in the act of throwing myself at her feet. I miscalculated my distance (being new at it) and so worked my love's destruction! Revenge I
I cannot help loving her—she is so grandly beautiful! She has given me omo barley sugar, which I wear next my heart. Tho days are getting warmer, and the heat begins to tell upon it—the barley sugar, of course, t trickles in an uncomfortable manner. Nevertheless, I persevere. It shall abide there as long as the weather will allow of it. Everybody loves and Reid. Even my papa adores her. If I had a mamma, she would, I m sure, adore her also. I drink to her in ginger-wine!
Joy! Jane Reid is coming to stay with us as my governess. Dear papa is very fond of her. I think he has noticed our mutual attachment, and he already treats her as a daughter. She sits on his knee for hours together Dear Jane Reid! I am so glad you like your future papa! What a happy, happy family we shall be!
Misery! James Jones has come homo for the holidays! He lives next door to me, and makes love to Jane over the balcony. He has certain personal attractions, there is no denying that. But he is a boy of an ill-regulated turn of mind, and has a taste for skinning mice. I caught Jane asking him whether he liked his school! A hideous double meaning may lie beneath these remarkable words. I will watch him with her, carefully.
It is but too true! They love each other. She is unwell—he sends her a bottle of leeches of his own gathering, and she has accepted them, and they are now pulling a way at her own gathering! For it M a gathering! On the thumb! I need haidly soy that James Jones dies. I catch him in our parlour one day when nana is put with my Jane. He is at the jam. I hit him on the head, he kicks and dies. How to dispose of him? Agony! Papa and Jane are at the door—another moment and they will discover all! Ha! The grate! A good thought. I stuff the body in the drawing-room grate and conceal it with the fire board. I receive them with a smile. Jane says I am a good boy. And so I am.
Mr. and Mrs. Jones bear the loss of their boy with singular equanimity. They do not even allude to it. What can this mean? Callous parents. But Jones was always a nuisance, and I have no doubt but that they were glad to get rid of him.
That body haunts me! I cannot sleep! I cannot enjoy myself in tho drawing room with the knowledge that young Jones's hones are behind that board! Who could be light hearted with such a blighting secret in his bosom? So I am glad to go to Margate with Papa and Jane.
For a month I have been happy. Papa's affection for Jane is delightful. He asks me how I should like Miss Reid to live with us for ever? 1 reply, "Rapture!" He rejoins, " Quite so." Darling Jane, I must soon declare myself. This wooing of ours has continued long enough.
Homo to that dreadful drawing room! We have begun fires, and on the next occasion of our having any friends, the drawing room board will bo removed and all will bo known! But cannot I conceal I he hideous remains ere it be too late? Agony! It is too late. I might hide him in my playbox in the nursery, if he were fit to be removed. But he isn't. Despair!
I will propose to Jane, marry her, and leave this horrible house, and the ghastly evidence of my hideous crime. Ha! What is this my papa tells me'! I am to have Jane for a second mamma! Ha! ha! ha I ha! ha! These are, of course, hysterical. I see it all —his attention to her —her devotion to him —her devotion to me! I will go and drown myself. In the Serpentine. But ha! who is this f What is this dread apparition that pTavcly stalks towards meP Can it be—Jones? It is! Ha! ha! Have at thee, denizen of the sepulchre! We struggle—he explains that he was only
stunned—that he escaped from the fireplace, and that ho kept the thing a Bccrot on account of the disgraceful circumstances under which I found him. I thrust him into the inky waters. They close upon him. I hold him down. It freezes. It freezes hard. The ico thickens around my arms, though it is still "in a very dangerous state." I am afixture! I cannot get out! I must remain here until I die!
L'ENVOI. How do I writ i ■ this, if I am fastened in the ice f Never you mind. That's my look out.
A LITERAL FACT.
What's the matter 1 Oh! nothing, except that Mr. Baffle is in a hurry to catch the post and can't find his spectacles, though he is quite sure he
had them in this room.
coming down, we neared a stubble field, where we found a few cockneys merrily enjoying the seasonable sport of ParTridge Shooting. The wretched snobs fired at the balloon, and besides rendering her utterly useless for scientific purposes, wounded me in the right shoulder. This redoubled my scientific ardour. Dew point (agony prevented my havng it determined as Mr. Glaisher).
Octoher. As soon as I was able to stir about, had another mado, and christened her George Stephenson Deerfoot, in compliment to the great engineer and the Indian runner. Never was there a more delightful ascent; but Roderick (who was as drunk as a lord) brought us down near the edge of a cover where we
Clara:—" On, Dioos, Mama Wants You To Tack A Hamper Of Feu It And Things Foh Aunt
Little Mlhel: "and T'ease, Digos, You Must Tut In lots Of Bebeqables, 'cause Auntie's A Bantam."
(But the only meant that her aunt wai "Banting.")
OUR OWN ENTHUSIAST
Called the next one Bob Travers Brewster, in compliment to the African pugilist and the fritted inventor of the stereoscope. A lovely ascent; but Rodorick, who had recently taken the pledge, was so awfully desponding that I actually persuaded him to break it. Ho did not need much persuasion. Maddened by the liquor, he laughed at distance. "Ha, ha! we fly, wo skim!" Dcsconded near Sheffield, whero wo found a set of roughs, merrily enjoying the seasonable sport of Knurr and SrELL. Never will I reveal its awful mysteries; that must be left for tho pen of a Nicholas himself. Enough to say that tho hideous spectacle redoubled my scientific ardour, and that tho dew point was 1.2S (as determined by Mr. Glaishcr). Of course the balloon was torn to pieces.
The Young Housewife's Friend. To Preserve Meat.— Don't allow followers, and keep your eye on the policeman.
To Make Your HouseKeeping Money Go Far.— Send it to the Antipodes in a registered letter.
How To Get A ComfoutArle House. — Take one— [ can get it.
OUR OAVN ENTHUSIAST
Tho now one I named Johnny Gideon Humboldt, in compliment to the Rothschild of the Ring and tho Aristotle of tho nineteenth century. A beautiful ascent; but through Roderick's miserable inebriety wo drifted far away and reached tho earth—at least, the water, near Lymington, whero we found a grave and bearded man in big boots and a punt, mournfully enjoying the seasonable sport of WildFowl Shootino. When, pointing to my ruined balloon and my intoxicated companion, ho asked mo whether I did not think I was something after tho manner of a fool, I replied that I thought I was. This extinguished my scientific ardour. The wretched Roderick has sent in a disgraceful bill, and all the other accounts havo nearly reached the coming-due point. But in my firm resolution not to pay them, I am as determined as Mr. Glaishcr. There!
Or, "as The Sayin' Is."
When one door shets, another opens, as is the way as I got shet out myself, thro' tho draught a-banging the front-door right into my back.
It's a poor 'art as never rejoices, but perpetual grins is the nature of bamboos.